If you are a "working mum" or a "career mum", would you make the same decision again?

[SchoolFairNostalgia]

This is inspired by another thread (but not a TAAT) about how many women end up "doing it all" in the process of trying to "have it all".

I'm a mum with a career. Busted a gut to train with babies and toddlers, and am now the main breadwinner in our house and work more hours than my DH (and earn the large majority of our income). Very lucky to have a great husband - truly one of the good'uns, and a fantastic dad to the DC. However, I still think a disproportionate amount of mental/household/family load falls on me, inevitably, as the woman. Of course there are exceptions, but on average, I reckon it's pretty indisputable(?) that this happens in our society, for mums who work for money outside the home as much or more than their husbands/partners do.

My question: is it still worth it?
If I'm honest, I might have tried to work out something different, if I had my time again - something with more traditional sex/gender roles.

So, for other "working/career mums":

YABU - no, I would totally go for a career/job/breadwinner status again

YANBU - yeah, given my time again, I'd not focus so much on career (and look for alternative like try to get DH to earn more/train, etc.??)

I thought I'd become a sahm but after 9 months undecided it wasn't for me and I went back to work. I've done well in my career and now earn good money with a good work life balance. I just didn't enjoy being a sahm. I'm glad it worked out that way as my dh cheated and we divorced, so it put me in a good position as I was financially independent and could afford good childcare (ex had dc eow) so I could continue to work

I would do it all again because now I am a single mum, I don't need anyone or need to fight ex for money as I can cope fine without him.

I have my wonderful children and although life can have its ups and downs I have everything I ever wanted, children and a great career!

Absolutely I would do it again. I have a job I love and a great husband who shares the load 50/50 and always has. Letting men get away with doing less because "oh well women do it better anyway" is idiotic and part of the problem. Men are quite capable of picking up their share. My husband is far better at some housework than I am.

I'm happy with my life, I've worked hard, raised an amazing daughter. My marriage is great, but should anything ever happen I have the means to be totally financially independent. With both of us working and earning well, we can afford to give my daughter the life I couldn't have growing up in a family of nine. We both have good pensions, good prospects to keep increasing our earnings, and are on track for fairly early retirement.

I'm proud of us and happy with life, I wouldn't change a thing, even the bits that were harder.

I agree with you. It’s changed from being repressed at home to working and juggling most things at home!

I am now the breadwinner since covid and DH changing job which means he is around more and does more drop offs and pick ups than me! I still feel I carry more mental load but part of that is my control freak nature and needing to do it - I have handed over things that I don’t need to worry about. DH does the cleaning as he has a couple of mornings child free before work which I don’t.

I love working so wouldn’t change it but we are currently dealing with rolling sick bugs with the kids and it’s a nightmare! I feel like this is why people have a stay at home parent, as well as that then one person can work whatever days and hours and their life is a million times easier!
workplaces aren’t supportive in the slightest, whether low paid job or professional when children are sick and it’s just pressure to make the other parent take it off - we are just taking turns but actually DH has done most this year as it seems to fall on times I can’t take off.

Its just so hard!

Yes part of what drove me to climb the career ladder rapidly was because I didn't want to be reliant on ex's money. Now it's a nice to have if he pays it but I am not dependent on it

Everything you've just said - particularly the intellectual challenge, social outlet and structure.

I went back to work FT when dd was 6 months old. I never regretted this. I always wanted to have my own money and indeed was the higher earner for a few years. To be fair, DH used to travel a lot, and I didn't go for the promotions etc that I should have as I wanted and needed to be home. I was happy that I reached a point of seniority that allowed a lot of flexibility. She's at Uni now and I've decided im fine. My pension should be OK. I don't want the stress of promotion now, but wonder if I should go for the last push before I retire.

Yes - I did my education (degree and PhD) prior to children and worked both part time and full time. My DH now works FH and I do 2-3 days a week and it's great (as much as it can be for busy jobs).
I would only do it with the flexibility though that comes with our jobs

... just to add, when my son comes from from school he only wants to chill out with telly or iPad, there's no way he'd be doing homework then, so it's easy to work the last hour or so at work then get dinner ready, evening activities are usually covered my DH whilst I cook.
Both children are ND so being at home is very important to us though

It's not really a choice for me. I need to work so I do. I don't think anymore of it.

It isn't a choice for me either, I'm a lone parent and have never been able to rely on anyone else for money.

But I consider this a blessing tbh. It spurred me on to do better than I might have done if I had had financial support.

There are occasional moments when I find the pressure of being the main breadwinner tiring but I actually think being able to fall back on someone else's money can be a bit of a curse. I think if I hadn't had to do it I might not have achieved what I have. Necessity is sometimes the mother of ambition, to misquote that old quote.

Working mum and single mum when DS was 3. I loved it and would do it all again I worked 2 nights a week so I got to spend lots of time with DS. The fab day trips put we have had, lack of rushing and sharing days put with a close friend are priceless.

I also feel lucky that I've been able to maintain my same job but different area and hours now (still part time). We holiday every single year abroad sometimes twice! I wouldn't change a thing!

Working career Mum, hands down. It was tough in the early years but once career was established (luckily with a family friendly employer) I reduced my hours and took a couple of unpaid weeks leave each year.
I have fab kids, a job I love, a nice pension and savings. I was a better parent because I had adult interactions each day.

In these times I think it is important for women to have their own income. It is too easy for a person to walk away from their family and give up all their responsibilities. The trick is to find a a job/career that you like that suits family life and with decent pay.

I'm the lower earner, still professional role but work part time up to 3 days a week. DH earns twice what I earn, pays more towards the bills but still carries a a good portion of the mental load. He also works 3-4 days a week but his work nets him more money than mine. What he can't be bothered to do he outsources and pays for. Gardener and cleaner 5 hrs/week (2 visits). Yes I would do career again as personally would be mind numbingly bored otherwise.

Me stepping up my career made DH pitch in more at home and our life is actually more balanced with both of us earning well than it was when he out earned me.

It's been totally worth keeping my career going. Firstly, if DH decides to exchange me for a younger model I will be ok financially. Secondly, I have managed to get to the stage in my career where I have been able to negotiate great flexibility. That often requires a certain degree of seniority. Thirdly, if I didn't have the seniority and income to match DH's would I have to sort out all the DCs illnesses cover and everything else that disrupts work? Yes I would because he would be the main breadwinner/have the career - and me being on the lower income would probably swallow that line.

On the latter point it's still a struggle to get him to pull his weight. And I am not going to pretend that recently I didn't shout at the top of my lungs when he point blank refused to work from home when DD was ill. 'Of course you can't work from home today. Because you are a man. And your work is important. Enjoy your male privilege.' It did the trick though and he worked from home that day.

Did my career require sacrifices? Oh yes it did. But when I think of the sacrifices and risks the alternative would have entailed I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

On the mental load: we should not let the dads off the hook so easily. Yes most suck at it but they can learn and improve. Also my kids are at the age now where they whinge and get annoyed with dad if he doesn't do it properly. If they come to me to complain I say: I am sorry but Daddy was in charge. I can't do it all by myself. Please tell him directly how you feel.' That has also let to some improvement and it means that it's the kids whinging at him for forgetting/getting it wrong. Not me.

I don’t mind doing everything myself. I wouldn’t be happy without my career and I want control of all the mental load chores. My main regret is not having a partner who earns an equal amount. I feel resentful about that from time to time.

I have been a working mum, it has been hard at times but husband has now completely unexpectedly left me after 24 years, I can buy him out if the house and can move on without any financial problems. In fact I am far better off than he is. No regrets.

I wouldn’t have children if I did it again.

Career mum here, but the first and only in my family. There are moments where I regret my choices, especially when I travel a lot, or the or times I have had to miss school assemblies.

But, and this is what I base my approach on, I have grown up with women dependent on their pretty rubbish husbands and in most cases it has been catastrophic for them. They have never had security or the ability to cope financially when the relationship has failed. That scares me. I watched my mother bundle up our stuff into a taxi and move us into a council B&B when we lost our home. I never want my kid to see that.

I also have a husband, who is a dream in a lot of ways. We earn similar amounts, and we share the domestic stuff. He, however, has an illness that means he could pass away and cannot get any kind of health insurance and so I take nothing for granted. I have to be financially independent. I have to have this career because it funds my son's security. My female relatives see me as this big shoulder padded, strong, confident woman - whereas in reality, I am just doing what I feel I have to and have horrible anxiety, and quite a lot of therapy to cope.

Never regret it. Love my job, love the sector I work in.

ended up a lone parent, always had been the higher earner. I get nothing from him, thank goodness I kept my career going. Can manage myself, and work in an interesting career.

I also had PND and it was very helpful to return to work and get some sense of self back.

work is valuable for my own self esteem, interests and relationships.

also men never doubt themselves working and parenting! So I have never felt the guilt!

Not sure I'd do the mum bit, if I had the choice again. My child free friends don't seem to have missed out on anything.

It's not just one big decision, it's a millions little ones throughout the years;

this is a really good point

Yes I would do it again. I love my children with all my heart and give them the best life I can balancing time with me, time with DH, time with family/friends, money/financial security/the opportunities money brings and parental happiness. For me this involves working.

My DH is great and does his share and honestly I think people make too much of the mental load - we’re a busy family and it’s not a big deal.

I also enjoy my work and it makes the world a better place. I pay lots of tax and am proud to do my share for people in difficult circumstances. I’m proud to be role modelling to my kids and anyone else who cares a relationship where we both contribute financially and domestically.

It’s also quite risky not to work or to damage your career by going very part time etc. DH had a serious health problem and I was damn glad I was earning good money and we didn’t have to worry about that amongst everything else. Two of my fiveish best friends had their husbands suddenly leave them with young children and they were damn glad they had their careers. I’m only quite young so expect more dramas of this type.

I am a working mum and sometimes think I would love to be a stay at home mum. I miss my little one. However, we need two incomes with the current cost of living, we are more stable if we face job losses or other issues, I am making pension contributions and I continue to progress in my career.
We also hope to model a more even partnership, my partner works 5 days but shorter than my days, we split nursery drop offs and pick ups. I still do more with our child but not massively so and he’s very involved.