If you are a "working mum" or a "career mum", would you make the same decision again?

[SchoolFairNostalgia]

This is inspired by another thread (but not a TAAT) about how many women end up "doing it all" in the process of trying to "have it all".

I'm a mum with a career. Busted a gut to train with babies and toddlers, and am now the main breadwinner in our house and work more hours than my DH (and earn the large majority of our income). Very lucky to have a great husband - truly one of the good'uns, and a fantastic dad to the DC. However, I still think a disproportionate amount of mental/household/family load falls on me, inevitably, as the woman. Of course there are exceptions, but on average, I reckon it's pretty indisputable(?) that this happens in our society, for mums who work for money outside the home as much or more than their husbands/partners do.

My question: is it still worth it?
If I'm honest, I might have tried to work out something different, if I had my time again - something with more traditional sex/gender roles.

So, for other "working/career mums":

YABU - no, I would totally go for a career/job/breadwinner status again

YANBU - yeah, given my time again, I'd not focus so much on career (and look for alternative like try to get DH to earn more/train, etc.??)

Exactly. See also this unpleasant narrative which suggests that women who work do so because they are "materialistic", with unpleasant segues about not needing more shoes or a sports car. As if a life of Puritanical, penny-pinching dependence (either on a man or on the state) in order to facilitate spending your entire life running around after children, long after the point when they actually need it, was somehow morally superior.

Oh yes. This infuriates me!
The suggestion that women who work once they've had children are choosing fancy holidays, cars and handbags over spending time with their children.

I agree with this. If I didn't have my job, I would still do aspects of it for fun. It's who I am.

I’ve worked full time with 4 kids and tried to get promotions etc. I’ve had a bit of an epiphany and realised I was just juggling and existing and actually one of us needed to create more space for the family. I’m a teacher and love my job but my partner earns much more so I have decided to go 4 days a week and just be a really good teacher rather than seeking promotion etc. I don’t want my life to be like that anymore and want to have more work life balance. I would t want to be a SAHM tho. Too much risk if it all
goes tits up, want a bit of my own identity and want to she my daughters how to contribute out of thr home

Yes my partner has been encouraging me to become a SAHM so I can spend more time with my daughter since I no longer enjoy my job. Also I will never make partner in my firm after going part time for three years so I can never progress beyond senior associate. My career is basically dead. I am worried about become completely dependent on him though.

Ha! Amusing, especially given I live in DMs and Converses. The former, in particular, keep going practically forever (although I confess I do keep buying more)!

The further issue being, children are not small for long. Step out of my profession and you're never getting back in. It's that simple. Once you're out of the curve on the research side - and the sector in itself is not in the best of states compared with the way it's been in the past - that's your window of opportunity closed. It took me seven years on a meagre income to qualify.

If I'd given up work to stay at home full-time, what on earth was I to do with the remainder of my life once my child (now 9) no longer needed me? Paint oil canvasses and volunteer for wildlife and the local bat trust, I guess. I will always find something interesting to keep my occupied, but I want to be a productive member of society and to work to the benefit of others. I have a brain in my head, and I want to use it.

I don't like the 'sold a lie' nonsense. Say it's true and all us women realised we were sold a lie and then we all decided to come to our senses and devote our lives to our family henceforth. Where would that leave us as a society?
No women drs, teachers, mps, actors, solicitors and so on.
It would be awful and take us back a few centuries.
Thank goodness we have a choice.

This.

I envisaged being a SAHM with a part time job once kiddos got a bit older so i could have a bit of a foot in both camps as i like to work, pay my way and be stimulated etc. Unfortunately my husband had other ideas and bankrupted me and chucked me out so i've got no choice about being on the hamster wheel AND trying to be a great mum. Given my time again i would like a supportive partner willing to man up for his offspring and go back to plan A.

Yes, definitely. Honestly what I find stressful about life as a parent is all the parenting. It wouldn't be made easier if I had all day to clean the house. I still have to pick the kids up and deal with the fighting and cook meals and do bath and bedtime. I'm not the only one who does these things. Dh does too. But it's still not very enjoyable. They still fucking drive me up the wall screaming about who ate the last ice lolly and I a little bit want to get in my car and drive away. I wouldn't want to do that any less if I'd been at home doing the washing all day or been working. It's still hard work. But my career means I do have a nice house that I really love and I have hobbies I get a lot of enjoyment out of and I can travel. I wouldn't have these things if I was a SAHM because I wouldn't be able to afford them.

I'm a barrister. My husband also works, but in a less demanding role. At the beginning I did shoulder the greater childcare load, but now he does much more than I do. He is absolutely great and I couldn't have managed to do the job I do without such a supportive husband. My kids are still primary age (the eldest about to go into secondary) so it may all change, but as things stand, yes, I would absolutely do it again.

Thank you.

I always find it particularly insulting that the people who bang on about women having been "sold a lie" always imagine that working mums are storming around in corporate offices with huge shoulderpads, ball-busting their way through the Boardroom with big hair and three-inch Manolos like something out of a bad 80s movie while their kids languish in Dickensian-style childcare settings. It's such a load of old shit.

In fact probably a majority of working mums work in the public sector and in teaching, nursing or caring professions. Without working mums many schools and the NHS would grind to a halt overnight.

I work in a senior role in professional services as does my dh. If I had my time again I’d have chosen a different career as although I enjoy it, clients expect 24/7 availability and it’s just not compatible with family life. I do like working though but in all honesty for our family we just aren’t doing well enough for our children, simple as that.

I wouldn't change being a career mum for love nor money! It keeps me sane and my children have benefited from socialisation at nursery.

Yes, I’ve loved my career & it paid well. It set a great example for my DC who now also have great careers & plenty of money. It meant I also have a 50k a year pension which I’m looking forward to enjoying.

This is so interesting, and so hard to have a conversation about without it becoming judgemental/people feeling judged.

I took 6 years off work when my kids were little - a combination of factors, including relocation and three kids in 18 months meant if didn't feel like there was much of a choice to make really. One of the kids was high needs/often ill and would have been hard to combine with a job too.

Now, I am part-time, self-employed. I'm well paid for the area I live in, and totally flexible about how much I work and when I do it. I'm hugely lucky, and it worked brilliantly with primary age kids. I have always been the 'default parent' - DH is a very caring and involved dad, but has a demanding job and earns 10x what I do.

I'm just starting to wonder if I would/could/should have done things differently. We have a nice lifestyle - DH is sufficiently senior that he is able to set his own hours and fit work in around family stuff to a far greater extent than 10 or 15 years ago; I still really value being around the whole time and able to see the kids when they get in from school/college/facilitate their lives after-school etc. But I wonder if I would be more personally satisfied if I had a 'proper' job. I also wonder if we would be modelling something better for the kids than the relatively traditional home set-up that we have. Saying all that, I recognise how lucky I am to see it as a choice.

‘A hamster wheel AND trying to be a great mum. Given my time again i would like a supportive partner willing to man up for his offspring’

Ugh. This is so sexist and doesn’t help things for men or women. A woman can be a breadwinner, as can a man. No need to call it ‘manning up’. Horrid phrase.

Haven't read the thread.

Would I stay as a working/career mum? Absolutely. Not just for financial independence but also for the intellectual stimulation etc.

BUT

Would I have made different career choices earlier on which meant for a less stressful, more-easily-adaptable career instead of now scrabbling around to change career paths to something more family friendly that still pays the bills?

Also yes. And that is totally on me. Not my DH.

FWIW I don't think the family and work-life balance angle - plus adapting to new technology and working practices - was covered enough during careers advice at school (all-girls, early 2000s). I hope that's changed now.

My child is still little and I still think about quitting and staying at home with her. My husband is a good one too and pulls his weight. I've worked very hard for my career and I hold a senior position that I mostly enjoy, but work is work and my income is a drop in the bucket compared to his and I often wonder if it's worth it when the alternative would be spending more time with my daughter. I'm very pragmatic though and can't quiet the very sensible voices in my head.
"If I quit now when would I go back? Never? I'm in my 30s, never is a long time to not want or need to work."
"Would I be able to start back where I left off if I took a couple years off, probably not"
"Is it fair for my husband to carry the sole financial responsibility for our family. No."
"What if something happens to my husband or we get a divorce. We're in our 30s, life is long"
"I derive a lot of self-confidence from my job"
"Will I lose my identity if I quit/become uninteresting to my husband/friends, honestly maybe!"
"Is this a good example to set for my daughter"
"Will I get fat(ter) if I'm home all the time with unlimited access to the pantry"

So I probably won't quit. I would love to work part time though, but that just isn't really an option in my industry, and I don't think I'd find a non-professional level part time job satisfying, though with research I might be able to find something that's a good fit.

Absolutely would do it again. Love being a parent. Love my career/job. Love having and balancing both.

Been there, worked FT as a single mum, full responsibilities for the children and I wouldn't change it for a second.

I gained three promotions during that time. It meant I could offer my kids opportunities that I wouldn't have been able to otherwise. It's not so much about holidays etc...but being able to afford tutoring, extra activities, being able to take them to universities open days to decide which would be best for them etc...

It also meant that when I remarried, I didn't need to rely financially on my new partner who shouldn't have to financially support my kids. It also meant that together, we managed to pay our mortgage early and pay in a good pension.

This in turn means I can reduce my working hours, and will be able to retire when they have their children. I'll be able to help.

I love my life working but reduced hours, and still able to spend money without worrying. I can help me kids through Uni, and will be able to help them with a house deposit if required.

As kids, they loved being in nursery and afterschool clubs. They were kids requiring a lot of social stimulation.

If anything they need me more now. We are close, spend a lots of time together and they are pleased to have a stress free mum and don't have to worry about me.

So yes, I would do it again without a bit of a doubt. I am so relieved now I stuck to it when at times, I was so shattered and dreamed of being a sahm.

When my children were younger I resented bring a career mum. There was so much to take care of and I felt like I was missing out.

Now they are older I am glad I was. They've grown up to be great kids who work hard and I've progressed in my career.

Lone parent so career all the way.
Meant I never had to rely on a man and can afford private school for my ND teen.

Would take the same decisions.

Could've written this same post save for that I'd not do anything differently. Maybe had kids a little younger given the choice but fertility issues came into play with partner. Love my job and the mum guilt though awful is worth it overall.

I'd do it all again. It's been great, ds has a nice life and I'm proud he is a happy young man who is doing well and enjoying life.

His dad morphed into 1950s man shortly after ds was born and we left when ds was 2. Maintaining my career meant I could walk away, rent a flat, buy a house, build a life for us and not be dependent on someone who proved to be a sexist unreliable controlling knob.

Relying on someone else is not a good idea.

It's not patronising. I gave my opinion working till your on your death bed come on I'm a working mum myself I've been following the thread. It's a bit much that anyone would want to work till there death bed.

I've always loved working too however I just don't want to up until death. I haven't said anything wrong 😳