If you are a "working mum" or a "career mum", would you make the same decision again?

[SchoolFairNostalgia]

This is inspired by another thread (but not a TAAT) about how many women end up "doing it all" in the process of trying to "have it all".

I'm a mum with a career. Busted a gut to train with babies and toddlers, and am now the main breadwinner in our house and work more hours than my DH (and earn the large majority of our income). Very lucky to have a great husband - truly one of the good'uns, and a fantastic dad to the DC. However, I still think a disproportionate amount of mental/household/family load falls on me, inevitably, as the woman. Of course there are exceptions, but on average, I reckon it's pretty indisputable(?) that this happens in our society, for mums who work for money outside the home as much or more than their husbands/partners do.

My question: is it still worth it?
If I'm honest, I might have tried to work out something different, if I had my time again - something with more traditional sex/gender roles.

So, for other "working/career mums":

YABU - no, I would totally go for a career/job/breadwinner status again

YANBU - yeah, given my time again, I'd not focus so much on career (and look for alternative like try to get DH to earn more/train, etc.??)

I couldn't be a SAHM. I had a taste of it during mat leave and was bored out of my brain, while also constantly stressed because none of that stuff comes naturally to me. I had nothing to talk about and desperately missed working with intelligent people.

I would also feel horribly vulnerable relying on someone else for money. I like earning my own money and knowing if anything happened I'd be able to cope (the very high nursery fees stage freaked me out because I knew I would have to give up work if we split or my partner died).

Also I only know one SAHM, and they're clearly absolutely minted. All my friends work. It would be weird not to, everyone I know enjoys their jobs. However I appreciate that if it's the choice between being a SAHM and working in a shit minimum wage job with no autonomy, being a SAHM is probably better.

Absolutely! I took years to qualify into a profession and the financial freedom, intellectual stimulation and confidence it gives me are so important.

The SAHM’s I’m close to, now generally with older kids, have often over the years become bored, lacking in confidence, socially anxious and quite bitter that they’ll not get their careers back. They often resent struggling financially but seem unable to consider returning to work as an option.

DH works more hours than I do, but my freelance work is extremely well paid. He has a classic City, ‘it didn’t make sense for DW to work too’ job. But he’s always supported my career. I work (mostly) school hours. No work during the school holidays. He more than shares the load in terms of family admin/ childcare/ dog care/ lifts for kids/ house maintenance. We employ a housekeeper so there’s no arguments on that front. We had a great nanny with younger kids, and grandparents a day a week. He has supported my career over the years, and I’ve supported him. Our children see plenty of both of us and are thriving.

And, regarding money, it’s lovely not to have financial worries. We can easily afford investments, lovely holidays (DS and I are interrailing this summer as an extra ‘treat’), hobbies for ourselves and the children, I feel no guilt about buying new clothes, we’ve renovated our perfect (to us, it’s quirky!) home, have a house in France, no school fees worries.

Yes, it’s busy, sometimes a bit stressful and we work hard. I’m queen of the calendar juggle (and why is it always SAHM friends who double book or cancel at the last minute?!), but our whole family is a real team, and very close. My daughters are professionally and academically ambitious and that makes me proud. It’s a happy life!

I've always loved working too however I just don't want to up until death. I haven't said anything wrong 😳

But nobody is talking about working up until death.
They're talking about reflecting on their life and work. Telling someone to get an interest out of work did come across as a tad patronising....

Yes I'd make the same choice again. I had a great job that changed so I moved careers when my children were just starting school and did some low paid admin type roles for a number of years which I loved, but the previous career and experience gained has enabled me to have a great job again now, I would still be in the much lower paid roles if id stopped working whereas as now I'm much further up the ladder with a good salary and I enjoy work

It's great to have financial freedom. I'd be a working mum again.

I've always loved working too however I just don't want to up until death. I haven't said anything wrong
That's the whole point. I now have an option to retire at 55, or 60, continue FT, or go down to 3 days. Do something else I enjoy more even if less well paid. That's because I opted to stick to me career that allowed me to invest.

I feel so sorry for all those mums who have no other options but to work until 67 years old in lower paid job just to get the state pension. Working in your 60s is a million time harder than in your 20s.

My sahm friend is now looking for a job after 20 years. She met her husband in the City and then gave up work when pregnant. The colc has hit and their mortgage is about to treble. They have three young private school kids’ fees to pay.

She has zero confidence, huge anxiety about returning and is looking at minimum wage jobs to supplement the family income. Despite her previous experience and qualifications.

I am very fond of her and hate seeing her so stressed. Saying she regrets giving up work is an understatement. She has no self-belief at all.

That doesn't sound like it was very good for her health and wellbeing in the long run almostchaged.

That's the story women wrote in the 1950s which I read in the 70s.

The gender pay gap does still reflect a lot of women in that situation.

Hang on. That poster said exactly that. She even stated work is part of her identity or did I just make that up?

You are not wrong. However you don't know what's round the corner for yourself as long as your happy with your choices and you sound it. That's all that matters. I wouldn't swop my memories for anything.

Also just to point out to you not everyone is capable of a city job and so on so I dont think life always works how you are saying. Anyway I think its best to agree to disagree!

YABU. I kept my low-level career despite opposition from then-DH. Good thing I did, or the DC and I would have lost our home and been truly in the doo-doo when he walked out.

Also, going back to work helped me regain my sanity after maternity leave and PND. Never, ever again.

I think the key in all this is choice. I feel very privileged to have had real choices. There was a time when I didn't and I felt very frustrated and I think if it had continued bitterness would have developed.
As it is, life moved on a bit and I have at different times been able to choose to be a SAHM, part time and full time worker. I'm currently full time and so, so thankful for the security, fulfillment and interest that this brings. However, I still choose to keep things at a level that feels manageable for me. If I'm honest, I do feel thankful that I'm not middle aged with no job, no money, no pension and no professional fulfilment. There was a time when it would have been easy to give up completely but it would have left me without any progression opportunities. However, I wouldn't judge others who have made different choices in their circumstances and are happily doing it differently.

No I wouldn’t change anything. I enjoy work and I’ve realised that my child carries a pride when she talks about “what mummy does”. I think I am also setting an example and showing that you can work and that she never held me back. I’ve been lucky enough to work in environments I genuinely love and have been able to grow and as a single parent I can afford a life for my child.

I wouldn’t change anything. Maybe I would take more time off and spend more of the holidays together as I normally
worked through most of them. But I am doing this now as I am more established in my career and can delegate tasks.

I haven't RTFT

But no, I wouldn't make the same decision again - I'd keep the job, lose the children 😂😂😂

What a question to ask at the painful fag-end of the summer holidays!

Not sure tbh. It's bloody hard and I'm constantly trying to earn more for thr family. My DH is happy plodding along. I'd probably choose a diff partner tbh so I had options and didn't feel forced into promotion all the time