If you are a "working mum" or a "career mum", would you make the same decision again?

[SchoolFairNostalgia]

This is inspired by another thread (but not a TAAT) about how many women end up "doing it all" in the process of trying to "have it all".

I'm a mum with a career. Busted a gut to train with babies and toddlers, and am now the main breadwinner in our house and work more hours than my DH (and earn the large majority of our income). Very lucky to have a great husband - truly one of the good'uns, and a fantastic dad to the DC. However, I still think a disproportionate amount of mental/household/family load falls on me, inevitably, as the woman. Of course there are exceptions, but on average, I reckon it's pretty indisputable(?) that this happens in our society, for mums who work for money outside the home as much or more than their husbands/partners do.

My question: is it still worth it?
If I'm honest, I might have tried to work out something different, if I had my time again - something with more traditional sex/gender roles.

So, for other "working/career mums":

YABU - no, I would totally go for a career/job/breadwinner status again

YANBU - yeah, given my time again, I'd not focus so much on career (and look for alternative like try to get DH to earn more/train, etc.??)

I am also going to start using “working father” and “career dad” and asking my make colleagues how they juggle a career and parenthood.

Cue nonplussed expression while they start to say: “Oh my wife does all the childcare…. Oh, wait”…..

Life is not work unless you are absolutely desperate for money it's understandable if not you need to find a life outside of work!

Im a mother first. I just happen to have a career. my eldest is 20 now & she hasn’t been damaged by going to nursery we have a very close relationship. When she was younger I earned nothing while paying nursery but I was only just starting my career with a surprise pregnancy - just kept telling myself think of the long term not the short term.

My husband is the same he is a Dad first - has been to all school events and also regardless of his job has taken on his share of the pickups and sick days. We a team and we share the load. I recently had to go home due to a death in the family he was fine for the week all the thinking and mental load too.

Though I will never judge a women choice SAHP or a Mum that works - we all just trying to do our best for our families.

Life is not work unless you are absolutely desperate for money it's understandable if not you need to find a life outside of work!

What a patronising response!

YOU might feel this way but others view life/work differently.
My career is a huge part of my identity and my life.

I would absolutely be a 'career woman' if I had my time again. Mainly because I've been divorced twice and I have had to rely on myself for income. Now I am the main breadwinner. DH is probably going to have to give up work in a few years as it is very physical and his body won't be able to take it as already getting injured.

Life is not work unless you are absolutely desperate for money it's understandable if not you need to find a life outside of work!

Invariably posted by people who don't need to work but who lack the imagination to recognise that many of us do need to. See also "people who live to work are boring" and "If you enjoy your job you have no imagination".

If you need to work (as I do), you will want to make damn sure that you get some pleasure out of your work. Even if you don't need to. There's absolutely no shame in wanting to enjoy what you do, taking pride in your job and wanting to make it count, and no it doesn't make you dull or lacking in imagination, nor does it preclude you from enjoying your family or having hobbies.

If I had a choice then sahm. Dh would also prefer and no he is not a misoginist twat

Unfortunately, given the cost of living and desire by government to make everything unattainable - house, mortgage , car, rent, food, utility bills, unless both partners work or earn a massive salary that option is impossible for us.

I did spend a few years being main breadwinner but overall it’s been DH. Absolutely worth it just to exercise the brain, make friends and mainly make money. Never trapped due to lack of money. Plus even in the most loving mutually respectful relationship someone can drop dead.

I am a bit older than DH and retired early safe in the knowledge that as an individual I have a really decent pension that is enough to run a household easily with some left over without having to rely on state pension.

Good idea re the male colleagues. I already do that sometimes, in my job, and it's interesting to see the reactions.

As for "Oh sorry I didn’t realise you only wanted to hear the musings of people who “had a choice” 🙄" - please read the post. You don't have to have directly had a choice (as it happened, I didn't really have one, in the specific circumstances I was in, either) to muse on it.

Why would DH prefer you to do it? Why wouldn't he want to do it himself?

I had a choice when the dc were born. I was married. I am very glad I made that choice because when my circumstances changed I wasn’t left high and dry.

your first answer to me sounded very much like “single parents need not answer”. Hence the rolling eyes.

Everyone is different so I would recommend you follow your gut feeling. Whichever you decide, you will have some regrets I think. Please don't judge those who decide to make a different decision though.

I don't agree. I think work is very important for a number of reasons other than money as well. Self-respect, structure, ambition, pride in getting to the top...

I don't want to moan too much as stepping back from work did enable me to achieve in a hobby which earns money, but not much. I was also able to be an SAHM for a while, but tbh I don't think that made much difference to my DC. If I had had a choice, I would have worked full time.

This is a good summary of the nuances of that discussion. It's for sure not women who are trying to balance their professional and domestic lives. It's (once again) a mechanism for putting upstart women back into their box; the same sort of attitude extended to my daring to retain my original family name and then have people inform me it's not really my name, and persisting in addressing me as Mrs Hisname.

'Having it all' is coming from the same place as this. It's no more used about men than the repulsive term 'maiden name' ever applies to them.

The PP was right in stating that having a family and a job is a low bar, and to point out that very few people in the world really do 'have it all'. Again, the implication behind this is greedy, 'selfish' women wanting their slice of the workplace.

I kept my career, because I wanted to. We could have survived as a one-income family. I value and love my work and thrive on the research in particular. I'm also extremely good at it, have worked for years on postgraduate qualifications on a very meagre income, and see no reason why my biological sex alone should force me to give that up.

Incidentally, the marriage bar imposed in the interwar period was only fully revoked with the Sex Discrimination Act of the mid-1970s. Seems unbelievable, I know, but true.

@Crankleberry I'm a psychologist

I'm working part time currently (three days a week) with a three year old and I know I will get a lot of hate for saying this but if I could go back in time I just wouldn't have my kid. I love her to bits and she's the love of my life. I've tried spend more time with her in her early years but my career has been greatly compromised and I can't focus on grinding the way I used to with such an adorable dumpling at home.

There is no one option and no options that doesn't come with compromised and downsides and men in our society do face those facts less often than mothers.

When my kid were little I found huge pressure and judgement as many seemed to want me to do same with my children as they did as if that somehow validated their choices. I had a Mum friend who was similar around work/mothering - she tried every combination and when she moved to next work/life combination on was judgemental and scathing about mothers doing different even if their circumstances were different - it felt similar looking for everyone to do same to validate her as she was so unwilling to accept there wasn't a perfect solution.

Wishing changes nothing - you move forward making best choices with limited information that you have and with situation open to change with time- juggling with work children balance changes as they grow being SAHM is fun in early days but hard when you try and re-enter workplace and implication hit later.

@SerafinasGoose

Again, the implication behind this is greedy, 'selfish' women wanting their slice of the workplace.

Exactly. See also this unpleasant narrative which suggests that women who work do so because they are "materialistic", with unpleasant segues about not needing more shoes or a sports car. As if a life of Puritanical, penny-pinching dependence (either on a man or on the state) in order to facilitate spending your entire life running around after children, long after the point when they actually need it, was somehow morally superior.

If I had my time again I'd probably, if possible, organise things so I could have a proper career break and be at home longer with DDs when they were small. But I wouldn't choose to pursue a low-earning non-career job, no way.

1. I think I might have just had one child.
2. I would have chosen a better man. It should have been possible.
3. I would definitely prioritize keeping on with my career as I let it slide and now am looking at working for a long time as my pension suffered badly.

I don't regret working or keeping my career going. If I didn't enjoy my profession and my job was "just" a job then I may have felt differently.

DH did compressed hours in his last job, 4.5 days a week. I think he was worried he'd be seen as a slacker but there was no impact on work and he got to pick the kids up from school and kick about with them for a bit which they all enjoyed.

I did SAHM for 2 years or so after second dc. I nearly went mad. No thanks.

My mum was a SAHM and growing up I was embarrassed about that, so was always very keen to have a career myself. My job is not my life, but it's hugely important to me and being a person who stays home was not and is not for me.

I am a divorced career mum. My career allowed me to divorce once the marriage became untenable without significant financial issues. I own my home, I can afford for us to holiday and live as we please. I'd also be bored as a SAHM. It's horses for courses but my choice suited me and my DD. It did help that I worked from home throughout her life so I am here even if I am on the phone a lot!!

I'd do the same again, staying in work and keeping my career going. I have two boys and think it is important for them to see that I go to work, I am an equal to DH. DH also pulls his weight in the home, although I carry more mental load. That is my nature though, I am a planner and he is not. However when there is a disaster (like our dishwasher packed in last week) DH sorts it so that my life remains largely unaffected.