If you are a "working mum" or a "career mum", would you make the same decision again?

[SchoolFairNostalgia]

This is inspired by another thread (but not a TAAT) about how many women end up "doing it all" in the process of trying to "have it all".

I'm a mum with a career. Busted a gut to train with babies and toddlers, and am now the main breadwinner in our house and work more hours than my DH (and earn the large majority of our income). Very lucky to have a great husband - truly one of the good'uns, and a fantastic dad to the DC. However, I still think a disproportionate amount of mental/household/family load falls on me, inevitably, as the woman. Of course there are exceptions, but on average, I reckon it's pretty indisputable(?) that this happens in our society, for mums who work for money outside the home as much or more than their husbands/partners do.

My question: is it still worth it?
If I'm honest, I might have tried to work out something different, if I had my time again - something with more traditional sex/gender roles.

So, for other "working/career mums":

YABU - no, I would totally go for a career/job/breadwinner status again

YANBU - yeah, given my time again, I'd not focus so much on career (and look for alternative like try to get DH to earn more/train, etc.??)

After a dreadful experience divorcing my shit of a father, my mum very much impressed upon me that the best thing I could do was to make sure I could support myself (and my children). I am very glad of that advice, and I would pass the same message to all young women.

Has it often been hard? yes. Incredibly so.

But knowing that I could walk away from
a bad marriage and stay afloat has been so important. There was a short period during maternity leave when, for the first time in my life, I wasn’t the one financially supporting myself and the bastard financially abused me (left me with no access to money). I left and was SO glad I could go back to work and say ‘fuck you. You cannot control me.’

I hate the ‘have it all’ nonsense too.

not least because it seems to blame women for finding themselves in situations where they need to do everything.

No id have worked harder prior to kids then given up work for 20 years.

If id loaded up my pension from the age of 18 like id planned to, paid up more of my mortgage then enjoyed my time with my kids without doing bits and pieces throughout their childhood, a waste of my time but we needed the money at the time

There are various levels of this, but yes I think there are women (who probably would answer the OP as wanting to be SAHM) who think it’s the women’s responsibility to get the parenting done. I’ve definitely had conversations at school gate about how they want and expect the dad to call them at work when dc are sick so the mum can advise, and I feel judged if I say I leave my DH to parent when he’s in charge.

In my experience, it’s also a learnt response from society that the woman has to be the one to keep the plates spinning and if one crashes it only reflects badly on the mother.

I'm a single parent. If I hadn't had an established career that I could continue to build after exh left I'd have been at the mercy of council housing/UC etc and struggling. There are some many stories on here/fb etc that say this

Do I think my kids miss out & have too much screen time - sometimes, am I always grateful to give them security even if they don't realise it - also yes.

Yep.

I have a baby so obviously not at school yet but if I bump into someone I know, at the weekend if I'm not with the baby they always ask where he is.

DH is never asked where he is in the same situation.

Also I'm bloody good at my job & my organisation would be a poorer place for not having career women in it.

Yes definitely. Tried being a sahm but just wasn't for me.
I was a much better mum for having some intellectual me time.

Career woman is a sexist outdated term.

There's no such thing as a career dad. Also working dads similarly unused term. We are a long way past this dinosaur thinking.

You only need to look at threads where the woman is dependent on a dickhead husband to understand why independence is by far the better option.

I was a working mum because I earned more than my partner and anyway we couldn't afford to have one of us not working.

6 months maternity leave for each ds was plenty for me. I didn't particularly enjoy that phase of parenting and had no desire to extend it even if we could have afforded it.

My partner dumped me not long after ds2 was born at which point I was fortunate in being financially independent enough to carry on working and supporting my family on my own.

While we were still together we did actually share the mental load fairly well. That changed after we split and he became less and less of a supportive parent

It’s true: “career woman” gives the impression it’s a bizarre anomaly to have a woman with a career (like “working girl”). Since more mothers now work don’t work it’s time this phrase was retired.

You don’t have a voting option for me. If I had my time again I wouldn’t have kids.

I had dc later in life and had a good career by then. I switched to part time when I had dc and that worked well. I wouldn't have been happy working full time or being a sahm.

The point isn't about career vs SAHM when the kids need a lot of input though. The point is much longer term. Your pension. Your enjoyment and interests in life when you're 50/60/70. Your social life maybe.

When women post that they've given up work totally to become a SAHM, it usually transpires that they haven't thought about what the consequences of that will be 10, 20, 30 years down the line. That makes me feel frustrated. We should be more conscious in our choices. A lot of things in life we have no idea of the consequences and just have to do our best. But giving up work has some very obvious consequences if you think on it for more than 30 seconds, and a woman giving up work should be making an informed choice i.e. be aware that she is choosing those consequences. Rather than 10/20 years later going "oh...."

I'm a career PARENT and would always choose this. Husband died when I was pregnant with number 2 so we'd have been screwed if I hadn't protected my earning capacity, there's only so long the life insurance can last.

Also, I would never support a man's career at the expense of my own, it's 2023

Where are all these women who say they want to 'have it all'? I've never met one, but I have seen the phrase endlessly since I was a kid in magazines! I think it's an urban myth that women actually say this. Besides having a baby and a job is kind of a low bar for 'having it all' anyway isn't it? If it was having it all that we were after, surely we'd be looking for a beachfront pad in Monaco a private jet and Brad Pitt as well as having children.

Anyway yea I'd make my decision again! I was able to be a SAHM for a bit when they were v little then went back to work. Worked great but everyone has different financial situations etc so I guess it's different for us all. Much respect from me for all SAHM and working mum's.

Yes yes yes to the last paragraph

So sorry for your loss @whatfreshhellisthis23

Me staying working meant I had to freedom to split from my husband and not worry (too much) about financial implications. Had I stayed at home I would not have had that choice.

We were able to remain in the house and I bought him out giving stability for my children.

I have a career but I do work part time. Dh has also compessed his hours.When we had our older two he was able to work from home 2 days a week so they only went to nursery in the morning and napped in the afternoon. I did feel guilty that they were in childcare but it was the best solution we could find. We wouldn't have been able to buy our house if I hadn't gone back to work as wouldn't have got enough of a mortgage on dhs salary at the time. Fastforward 7 years and we have 3 kids and I work 2 days. No guilt over leaving my 1 year old as she is with dh on my working days. She's happy and I'm happy. Dh outearns me 3x but still values my contribution. I help people as part of my job, it's challenging and overall I enjoy it. He supported me to go freelance and I have a new lease for life.

The answer to your question is no I wouldn't rewind time to be a sahm. I put my kids before myself all the time but having a roof over the head is important and we wouldn't have this house had I not gone to work after my first and second may leave. I am organised to the hilt and dh is an equal partner. Had he been lazy or a waste of space I wouldn't have gone onto have 3 kids and would have left him. We did have a conversation early on in our marriage about the mental load and when I pointed it out to him he got it.

@Outofthepark

Where are all these women who say they want to 'have it all’

Theres a thread on here roughly once a month from someone who self importantly tips up and posts “AIBU to think it’s a myth that women can have it all?”. Cue pages and pages of conspiracist nonsense about women being “sold a lie” like some JFK style cover up. Who has sold them this lie (apart from evil feminists) is never made clear.

Theres still a very strong school of thought among many people, despite the fact that non working mothers are now in a minority, that mothers who work are playing at being a “career girl” as if we were all raiding the dressing up box for fun. The suggestion being that at some point we will all come to our senses, have a nice cuppa and put the briefcase and the shoes back.

The problem with this attitude is that for a large number of us working isn’t just play acting, it’s survival. I wish people would think about this before posting this kind of bollocks.

So true. I employ lots of mums as I run my own online business and operate 9-3 and then do accounts/payroll/marketing etc in the evenings once DS is in bed. They were all career women in the city on good salaries who became SAHMs for years and years and all regret giving up their careers as job opportunities are limited for them now. Two of them met their husbands when working with them and are quite resentful having watched their husband's careers flourish when they had the same qualifications and training.

From my understanding about OP I thought it was about those who have worked whilst their little ones were small doing a graduate job/training rather than being a mum and working a less intense job. Not being a SAHM per say!

The question was would you do it all again or make different choices and step back a bit/step up a bit more.

Absolutely. I went back to work pt at four and five months respectively. I didn't need to but we had no family help and it was the only break I ever got. Spent many thousands on nursery fees- best investment ever.
It maintained my mental health, the power balance in our marriage and my professional skills.
Now twenty years on the DC are smart and independent young adults off to uni, all bonded just fine. My pension looks great and am looking good to retire at 55.

Oh sorry I didn’t realise you only wanted to hear the musings of people who “had a choice” 🙄

I am also going to start using “working father” and “career dad” and asking my make colleagues how they juggle a career and parenthood.

*male