If you are a "working mum" or a "career mum", would you make the same decision again?

[SchoolFairNostalgia]

This is inspired by another thread (but not a TAAT) about how many women end up "doing it all" in the process of trying to "have it all".

I'm a mum with a career. Busted a gut to train with babies and toddlers, and am now the main breadwinner in our house and work more hours than my DH (and earn the large majority of our income). Very lucky to have a great husband - truly one of the good'uns, and a fantastic dad to the DC. However, I still think a disproportionate amount of mental/household/family load falls on me, inevitably, as the woman. Of course there are exceptions, but on average, I reckon it's pretty indisputable(?) that this happens in our society, for mums who work for money outside the home as much or more than their husbands/partners do.

My question: is it still worth it?
If I'm honest, I might have tried to work out something different, if I had my time again - something with more traditional sex/gender roles.

So, for other "working/career mums":

YABU - no, I would totally go for a career/job/breadwinner status again

YANBU - yeah, given my time again, I'd not focus so much on career (and look for alternative like try to get DH to earn more/train, etc.??)

Totally disagree and this opinion is the problem. Men and women can both do all tasks, mothering etc. Believing that women are better at certain things is the absolute core of the issue.

Yes, I can see that, @Mumof4plusbonus . Very difficult situation. Wishing you all the very best.

Yes I would. DH has been an absolutely equal parent, and now ds is 17 and I have a great job as does DH.
Has it been easy? No - but we have no family support at all which hasn't helped. But we worked together to get through it all, and have a very equal relationship

Career mum, although stepped off the ladder to change direction. No, I absolutely wouldn't do the same again, but as I didn't have the choice not to the first time I don't see what else I could have done 🙄 you speak like everyone has the choice!

I stepped back from my career and went part time for various reasons- didn't have much of a choice- and deeply regret it. If I could do it again, I would have worked full time all my life. On my deathbed, I will definitely wish I had worked more.

Nobody ever uses the phrase 'working dad' or 'career dad' do they?

And yes..... 100% I'd focus on my career as well as being a mum.

I'm a career woman but was also a sahm Mum for 26 years. Very lucky to have been able to do both.

I think things have changed and having a break isn't necessarily the career killer it used to be.

I'm a much better mother when I have more going on: work, exercise and adult conversation. It means when I'm with my child, I give him 100%.

That should be 16 years not 26!

Totally disagree and this opinion is the problem. Men and women can both do all tasks, mothering etc. Believing that women are better at certain things is the absolute core of the issue.

100%

Oh, I didn't really have the choice either. It's all theoretical really (I'd actually probably have had to choose another DH to do what I'm proposing). More to see whether other people feel the same about the choices they made, even if they had to really...

I am a career mum. Definitely would do it again.

I was married for 15 years. Exh became mentally unwell; eventually into psychosis and it became unsafe to live with him. Because he was unwell, he believed he was well and it was everyone else that was the issue and wouldn’t seek help. We divorced. I became a single parent.

While it wasn’t easy, I could pay for the kids counselling bought a house easy enough. Having the money to do it, made the whole situation a lot easier than if I had been a lower earner.

Now my eldest is an adult (at uni) and my youngest is a young teen. My career has progressed loads and life feels quite easy. I am at the level where I manage my own time. I am paid for my knowledges and skills and decision making rather than how many hours I am logged on. So it’s really flexible. I get plenty of time with DS. I can be around for anything he needs. I can take days off short notice and take him away for the weekend.

I do have a Dp but he doesn’t live with us full time. He earns significantly less. I don’t mind picking up the slack when it comes to going out, travel etc.

My career and earnings have made difficult times much easier and I will always be grateful for it

In a heartbeat. I’m so glad I made the choices I did. More so as my kids are grown. It was not always easy but it’s been worth it.

It's not as simple as being an 'either / or' choice.

When we got together, I was the breadwinner and he studied for a long time.
Then we both worked (I was earning more and in a much more secure job).
Then I went PT so I brought home less, but still in a more secure job and the FTE was more.
Now he earns considerably more.

Yes, I'd make the same decisions again. Keep working. Continue to apply for promotion / different jobs and maintain my career, but get the balance of having reduced hours so I also got to be involved with my dcs' schools, friends, activities on my NWDs.
100% recommend.

Worked hard on an msc whilst raising DD. Achieved a distinction. Got passed over for promotion anyway by less experienced male colleague who had not completed an msc.
It was an absolute waste of my time and I wish I hadn't bothered, I would have been in the same position either way

It's such a good question. I wouldn't be where I am if I hadn't worked.
I think on balance yes, but I would have fought harder to wfh more pre-pandemic.
There is no right or wrong, you do what works for you, what you can afford and adapt over time. No one year was the same as the one before for a variety of reasons. It's not just one big decision, it's a millions little ones throughout the years; do I take this job, does this child minder work, are they happy at this summer camp, can I buy more annual leave, should I go for that promotion, you get the picture.

I focused on my work and career and thank god I did! I'd make the same decision every single time. Having now divorced I was able to afford to by the ex out of the family home and my kids get the exact same lifestyle they had before. Never in a million years would this have happened if I'd been a SAHM or work a basic part time job.

I earn much less and work less than DH and therefore carry the mental/household load, but sad to hear that even those mums who are the main breadwinners still have to carry the mental/household load!

Oh and even though I am a single parent I don’t recognise the ‘mental load’ that many talk about. Until exh became ill. He did at least his fair share.

and as a single parent I don’t find the ‘mental loa to be intrusive at all. I think perhaps, it might be more difficult when you have another adult to consider, but who isn’t contributing

I’ve done career Mum, part time working and a bit of SAHM.

If I could go back to the beginning I would have put more pressure on my DH to do 50:50. It seemed silly back then - I’d get home at 7.30 he’d get home at 8.30 earliest. So I did the cooking/ tidying because on paper it looked like I had an extra hour or so at home.

But I’d still worked an entire day until 6pm then gone and picked kids up from nursery and done bed time etc. Ended up burnt out and massively stressed due to trying to do it all. I know single Mums do this and I have no idea how they manage!

So that would be the one thing I’d change . Would have loved to have kept my old career but with more support at home.

Oh, I don't know. I've been doing 3 days for nearly 5 years and will do 4 when DS starts school. DH is the breadwinner but WFH and will be doing both school runs. I'd probably do it again but honestly things went this way due to me being made redundant in Covid Times.

Yep, wouldn't change a thing. Thankfully DH does pull his weight, but if someone doesn't have a DH who pulls his weight the relationship would be doomed one way or another no matter the choice made, so better to have the financial independence.

I'm going to start

I'd definitely still focus on career and being a working mum so that I was financially stable in my own right.

What I would change is my expectations of my husband. I enabled a lot of his manchildness in the first 10 years of our marriage (married in 2003). I'd make him step up sooner than I did.

No, I wouldn’t change it - I’ve learned so much about myself and life through working.
Though now that I’m approaching 40, I fantasise about being married to a rich aristocrat, and quitting my day job to run the estate and associated businesses. 😆