Left out of family holiday

[Nmum21]

My parents are away in Greece having booked earlier in the year - originally just for themselves. However since booking they have now invited all of my siblings (x3) plus a partner. We were not invited.

We have two children and I feel like they didn’t want us there. I hate to feel like I’m an inconvenience or not wanted because of the kids.

I get they probably want a child free holiday, but think it was quite thoughtless to invite everyone else in the family except for us. I can’t help feeling hurt about it.

To top it off they are now posting pictures and posts of their wonderful holiday.

Am I being unfair to feel this way?

Can you ask them about it? As a mother I’m appalled at this. I’d never do it to one of my children

Post a message under their photo's saying looks like you are all having a wonderful family holiday, shame we weren't invited. That will embarrass them and their friends will wonder what kind of people they really are.

Family holidays with children are relatively complex due to term dates, flights & differential pricing.

Your siblings are still your parents’s children & the adult dynamics between them may have evolved, but still they are parents & kids. As an adult group, they can keep any hours, get sloshed/stay up late/sleep in etc if they wish & focus on R&R. Kids on holiday change that.

Also consider how things are during the intensely family focused times such as Christmas. Are you parents & kids brought together then, do your parents morph into wonderful grandparents?

OP, maybe you need time with your parents? Maybe that is what you are missing & the root of your grievance? Possibly your parents will miss you when away with all your siblings & there is a gap at the family table.

Have a chat with them when they get back, be honest & adult about how your feel & look for something/treat day/short break with them that is enjoyable.

Of course their approach is hurtful and insensitive, that’s a given.
But you can’t change people; you can’t make them be more thoughtful.

Just clock it, and bear their attitude in mind when it comes to your future involvement with them. I would remain polite, no drama, but do less reaching out to them in future. Focus on your immediate family (and maybe friends) who I presume treat you better than this.

As I edge towards 60 and are having friends die and become unwell, I'm getting more precious about my holiday/free time. I do help out with childcare, but I don't want to holiday with my GC and they won't see me this Christmas. I'm not going to spend double the amount, in accommodation not to my choice and not doing what I want to. I've done that for thirty six years (my eldest age). However, I've been honest about this. It's the lack of honesty and ignoring the elephant in the room.

I wouldn’t do this; would be too dramatic. Their embarrassment would quickly turn to anger, defensiveness then attack. Readers of the post would just think there had been a family fall out which the OP could equally be responsible for.
Nothing good could come of it.

YANBU

It's fairly shitty to not tell you we're having an adults only holiday.

There's nothing wrong with wanting that but it would have been nice of them to tell you.

It's not like saying nothing to you and you seeing pictures would be any less hurtful for you, so it must be they didn't want to have an awkward conversation and are hoping you'll say nothing when they get back.

Don't do this unless you want to look like an immature dick

Perhaps. I'm usually all for childfree, I just found this situation a bit odd, probably as I assumed they'd get to just do the fun stuff as you do if you're not the parent and id assums they've all got seperate rooms. But yes, I agree children will change the dynamic amd maybe they didn't want that, also it depends what the family dynamic is like as maybe they thought they mind end up having to babysit

I don't think it's unreasonable to want or have a childfree holiday. I do think it's unreasonable to have one with two out of your three children and their partners without any discussion with your child who has been left out.

The child-free holiday is understandable

The lack of conversation about it is not.

They could have at least explained their reasoning and apologised for leaving you out. Just avoiding the elephant in the room is hurtful

Are they close to your children? Would you maybe have a UK holiday with them?

This isn't a hen party type situation though. It is a family holiday. Very hurtful behaviour

My family did (do) this with every summer holiday and Xmas.
I just unfollowed them on social media and am very low contact with them due to this and many other similar situations.
I feel better that they are not in my life

It must be very hurtful but I suspect they wanted a child free holiday and couldn't bring themselves to discuss that fact with you knowing how upset you'd be.

Children on a holiday changes quite a bit, especially if they are younger.

Did your siblings get inviting, or did the actually invite themselves along? Were you told you couldn't come because you had children.

I understand a child free holiday, but in that kind of family scenario I can understand why you're hurt. I hope you have your own holiday plans.

I have kids. I fully support child free holidays.

It's the lack of honesty for me. Got no problem with people doing what they want with their holidays.
But a heads-up to you before the holiday snaps are plastered all over social media would have been the decent thing.

Add a post saying "Looks great. An invite would have been nice."

Have they said anything to you?did they explain they wanted a child free holiday?if so yabu.
If they said nothing at all and just went then that's pretty mean of them.
Hope you manage to get a great family holiday together as your own family of four.

Sorry you are hurting @Nmum21 I can see why it stings a bit.

I always think things like this are made so much worse b/c people don't communicate. I completely understand why someone may want a child free holiday, but it probably would have been much better had they said to you they are wanting a child free holiday and will try to have something special with you and grandchildren when we are back, rather than just let you see the photos without saying anything.

Hi - totally understand that you would feel a bit left out - so YANBU for feeling a bit sorry for yourself. We are all human.

Your parents are also NBU to want to child-free holiday and it's not wrong for them to include your siblings.

As to whether you have genuine cause for a gripe about their thoughtlessness- there is too little information in your posts to tell.

Have they spoken to you about this or not? Are they paying for everyone or all paying themselves? Would you have been able to go/afford holiday this week if you had been invited? Do they sometimes do things with you and your children separate from siblings? Are they generally good and engaged grandparents? Etc..

Don't feel hurt about it.
When your siblings have kids, if they do, you'll understand.
It's a different dynamic.
I know with my own kids everything changes but to have my siblings kids as well, even more crazy. If we want a holiday with kids we'd arrange one as we'd know what we're in for.

Can you afford to go on holiday to Greece with children?

I ask because for years I was the one with DC - and my parents, brother and sister went away on jolly holidays overseas (in school time) and they asked us if we'd like to join them - every time KNOWING that we would have to say 'No thanks' because

a) I can't take 3 children out of school for two weeks in term time
b) we can't afford to go abroad somewhere expensive and fairly upmarket if we are paying for 5 of us to go.

Playing Devil's Advocate maybe they realise you would turn it down?

I think they're total twats.

I'd have a huge celebration for the children's next birthdays and blast that all over social media without inviting them. I'm talking bouncy castle, professional cake, video of everyone singing happy birthday - the works.

@Nmum21
If the event is intended to be an adults only event, perhaps those of your siblings who could manage to travel without kids,(either because they have no kids or where will to travel without their kids) expressed an interest in going.

Would you parents have said no to your attending if you had made other arrangements for your children?

The reality is that now that you have children , your ability to do certain things may be curtailed or limited based upon your willingness to make plans for child care and sitters.

This event was not a family even ; it was an adults only event.

You were not excluded; instead you did not make the arrangements that would have allowed you to attend.

Perhaps ask your parents how they would feel if you invited all your siblings for a holiday but left them out of the invites?