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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say no to social services re: my niece and nephews...

528 replies

mrsneate · 13/06/2023 21:48

To cut a long story short, this is the fourth time in 9 years social services are involved with my brother and his children.

The first time. I drove 200 miles with no notice to collect Brother and his three kids. They lived with me for 8 months. It was hell. Small 3 bed house, 3 children of my own and my ex husband (we were still married) I supported them all financially, got them into schools, he was then given a council property, the children were taken off the register (on it because of their mum)

Fast forward 3 years, a neighbour reported him for various things. They were put back on the register, my brother worked with them, I supported him.

18 months ago, 2am police knock on my door with my eldest nephew. (16 at this point!) him and dad had gotten into a physical fight, could I take him, of course I said yes, the next day social worker came round, when police had entered their property. It was t fit to live in. Stinking dirty, rubbish everywhere.

Me and my SIL (other brothers wife) went round, and blitzed his house, I did 20 loads of washing, 16 dishwasher cycles. The house was spotless.

They asked me to take all 3. I couldn't, I work full time night shifts and was a single parent, my nephew was with me for 10 weeks with no support from
Social services or my brother financial or otherwise, then my nephew was 17 and could decide he wanted to go home. He went home. Case was closed

This week, I randomly had a phone call from a social worker. There had been an anonymous report from someone that he was leaving the youngest alone for long periods (she's 11) and there was no food in the house. He's drinking all the time, the house is a state.

I only ever see my brother these days when he pops to my house with my niece. She always looks clean.

They told me it's looking like it's going down the route of removing the children (11 and 16?) and would I be in a position to take them in, until he decides to cooperate and work with them, told them no, although I'm no longer single, my fiancé works away for months at a time and I still work night shifts, and still only live in a 3 bed house with 2 of my boys (oldest has moved out) she got really arrogant with me after that. I pointed out they need to stop closing the case, keep them on the register.

But guilt is eating me up, there has been a suggestion they go back to their mother. But that will be a disaster. I have text my brother and offered to help him clean the house. Again, but I am
Pissed off with him, and it's annoying me that he keeps having passes because he's a male single parent! He works school hours and earns good money, he's not skint.

What would you do?

OP posts:
mrsneate · 19/06/2023 10:34

Toddlerteaplease · 18/06/2023 22:16

My friend (also a nurse) took I. Her three great nieces and nephew. She loves them dearly. But to be quite honest it's ruined her life. She had to give up her job. Got no financial support for years and was on the bread line. The children have horrendous behaviour problems. Due to their early trauma. It's so bad that I'm actually surprised that the nephew hasn't actually stabbed her. As he's threatened to do. She's such a lovely person, but with hindsight they would have been better in care with someone trained to look after severely traumatised children.

Your poor friend 🥲

This is my worry! My eldest nephew has had periods of awful mental health where houses have been smashed up etc

I'm sticking to my guns but the SW isn't happy

OP posts:
JenniferBooth · 19/06/2023 13:28

@mrsneate Shes not happy is she? Awww Diddums. Dont let her harass you by phoning you/coming round and starting in with the emotional blackmail.
Shes obviously a misogynist as well because the only reason your bro has had this much leeway is because hes a man.

qazxc · 20/06/2023 10:47

She's not happy because if you had caved it would be done and dusted for her. But it wouldn't be in the best interest of the children to be in an unsuitable environment for their needs (and your family's needs).
At this stage you have made crystal clear to her where your boundaries are, I would be starting to get annoyed at her being "unhappy" or sulking about it. You are doing all you can, she needs to stop with the guilt trip.

billy1966 · 20/06/2023 10:50

mrsneate · 19/06/2023 10:34

Your poor friend 🥲

This is my worry! My eldest nephew has had periods of awful mental health where houses have been smashed up etc

I'm sticking to my guns but the SW isn't happy

Who gives a fxxk if she's happy or not😡.

Honestly OP, I would be making a complaint about her.

You have zero obligation to make her job easier.

She's a CF and you need to tell her that.

The cheek of her.🙄

Lunde · 20/06/2023 14:16

mrsneate · 19/06/2023 10:34

Your poor friend 🥲

This is my worry! My eldest nephew has had periods of awful mental health where houses have been smashed up etc

I'm sticking to my guns but the SW isn't happy

Of course she's not happy - dumping the problem on family is a zero cost/zero effort "win" for the SW.

Now she's actually got to work this case with a proper investigation and package of interventions.

But you are doing the right thing - you cannot set yourself on fire to keep others warm!

JenniferBooth · 20/06/2023 14:30

If she starts anything remind her that coercive control is now against the law

DangerPigeon · 21/06/2023 08:35

"you cannot set yourself on fire to keep others warm" is probably the best piece of advice I've read for a good while.

JenniferBooth · 21/06/2023 14:50

Havent we been saying a woman would not get the same leeway from SS that your brother has.

This was posted on the step parenting board this afternoon.

Misste · Today 13:18
I met my bf in December 2017, I knew he had 3 children to two different women but he only saw the oldest one who was then 8.. great kid and she often stayed with us at my home.. fast forward to march 2019 and social services contact him because the two other children’s mother wasn’t capable of looking after them anymore these are 2 and 4 years old… i said I would stand by him & help him with whatever was needed. We set up home together & the kids came to live with us in august 2019 and have lived with us since.. they were dropped with us on a Saturday and my bf went back to work on the Monday FULL TIME ..leaving the kids with me from then. I had my child in 2020 and we got on with life… the other morning while eating breakfast his oldest daughter who lives with us who’s now 8 said that her grandparents said “she does nothing for those kids”… ok so, for four years I’ve took them to school, picked them up from school, made sure they were clean and tidy, got them dressed, wiped away tears because real mother didn’t care, been abroad, all the “normal things” families do.. my family have welcomed them with open arms, they buy gifts and give cuddles when needed!.. I’ve saw a lot of their “firsts” apparently I’m not “doing enough” for two children who aren’t mine… please don’t reply being mean, I’m already at my lowest point because of all this toxicity and horrible things that have been said about me, but what more can I do 😞 I feel like a huge failure

Jwhb · 21/06/2023 17:56

@JenniferBooth

Can you explain how you feel that post is related to this one? Genuinely trying to understand

Issania87 · 21/06/2023 19:10

It is perfectly acceptable to say no. What is going on with the children is absolutely not your fault nor your responsibility. You have helped plenty over the years by the sounds of it. Perhaps you could offer to provide respite care for their foster carers if you feel you could do that, but don't feel bullied into taking them

JenniferBooth · 21/06/2023 19:35

sigh. SS have taken the kids off boyfriends ex PERMANANTLY (female) They must have done cos Miste has had them for four years.
but they keep giving the OPS bros kids back to him. (male)

EmeraldFox · 21/06/2023 20:18

JenniferBooth · 21/06/2023 19:35

sigh. SS have taken the kids off boyfriends ex PERMANANTLY (female) They must have done cos Miste has had them for four years.
but they keep giving the OPS bros kids back to him. (male)

Much younger children, could be very different level of risk, we don't know.

EmeraldFox · 21/06/2023 20:20

Also a suitable other parent willing and able to take the children. In the OPs case they would need to go to extended family.

JenniferBooth · 21/06/2023 20:23

@EmeraldFox OP has had her nephews and niece before more than once when they were younger and they were still given back to the bro

CaroleSinger · 21/06/2023 20:26

I'd disown your brother and take the kids.

JenniferBooth · 21/06/2023 20:26

@CaroleSinger RTFT!!!!

EmeraldFox · 21/06/2023 21:07

JenniferBooth · 21/06/2023 20:23

@EmeraldFox OP has had her nephews and niece before more than once when they were younger and they were still given back to the bro

She had the eldest for three months at 16 from what I understand. When they were younger they were staying with her with their father as well.

It's still a step further for children to be removed from a parent and given to another relative, than to be given to the other parent with equal parental responsibility.

EmeraldFox · 21/06/2023 21:08

And older children are less likely to be removed so the situations are not directly comparable.

Mix56 · 26/06/2023 08:48

You can't, because you can't leave 11 year old niece alone at night. So you would be neglecting her too.
SS should not be bullying you in this case, you are unable, it stops there.

JenniferBooth · 26/06/2023 16:11

How are things now @mrsneate

mrsneate · 26/06/2023 16:43

JenniferBooth · 26/06/2023 16:11

How are things now @mrsneate

Haven't heard anything else yet!

OP posts:
anyolddinosaur · 26/06/2023 16:53

Stand firm. You do not have the space or the time to give these children what they need and your first duty is to your own children. The social worker needs to find foster care for them.

JenniferBooth · 01/09/2023 22:53

@mrsneate How are things now?

skinnytobe · 02/09/2023 00:06

I haven't heard anything in a few weeks. I've heard from my other brother that social services are still involved. But no body has contacted me for a while. I stood my ground

Sueveneers · 02/09/2023 11:45

mrsneate · 13/06/2023 22:25

Told me they are my responsibility and I should have been more of a support for my brother so it didn't get to this point again,

I could list the endless support I've given him since 2014. Endless. He will not let me past his door so I haven't seen the state of the house more recently

How DARE the social worker speak to you like that! How fucking dare they?! You are not your brother's keeper, and you may be a woman but you are NOT RESPONSIBLE for your brother. I would put in a complaint about the way that SW spoke to you, they have no business speaking to any woman that way, especially since it's THEIR fault that the kids are still with him. Whoever spoke to you needs to be cautioned by a superior for speaking to women like that and I would urge you to make a complaint.

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