To say no to social services re: my niece and nephews...

[mrsneate]

To cut a long story short, this is the fourth time in 9 years social services are involved with my brother and his children.

The first time. I drove 200 miles with no notice to collect Brother and his three kids. They lived with me for 8 months. It was hell. Small 3 bed house, 3 children of my own and my ex husband (we were still married) I supported them all financially, got them into schools, he was then given a council property, the children were taken off the register (on it because of their mum)

Fast forward 3 years, a neighbour reported him for various things. They were put back on the register, my brother worked with them, I supported him.

18 months ago, 2am police knock on my door with my eldest nephew. (16 at this point!) him and dad had gotten into a physical fight, could I take him, of course I said yes, the next day social worker came round, when police had entered their property. It was t fit to live in. Stinking dirty, rubbish everywhere.

Me and my SIL (other brothers wife) went round, and blitzed his house, I did 20 loads of washing, 16 dishwasher cycles. The house was spotless.

They asked me to take all 3. I couldn't, I work full time night shifts and was a single parent, my nephew was with me for 10 weeks with no support from
Social services or my brother financial or otherwise, then my nephew was 17 and could decide he wanted to go home. He went home. Case was closed

This week, I randomly had a phone call from a social worker. There had been an anonymous report from someone that he was leaving the youngest alone for long periods (she's 11) and there was no food in the house. He's drinking all the time, the house is a state.

I only ever see my brother these days when he pops to my house with my niece. She always looks clean.

They told me it's looking like it's going down the route of removing the children (11 and 16?) and would I be in a position to take them in, until he decides to cooperate and work with them, told them no, although I'm no longer single, my fiancé works away for months at a time and I still work night shifts, and still only live in a 3 bed house with 2 of my boys (oldest has moved out) she got really arrogant with me after that. I pointed out they need to stop closing the case, keep them on the register.

But guilt is eating me up, there has been a suggestion they go back to their mother. But that will be a disaster. I have text my brother and offered to help him clean the house. Again, but I am
Pissed off with him, and it's annoying me that he keeps having passes because he's a male single parent! He works school hours and earns good money, he's not skint.

What would you do?

I'd have to quit my job! And live on benefits. Cos I couldn't work 13 hour night shifts and support them all

I'd 100% take them and keep them until they were old enough to live independently. I'd sleep on the floor, use foodbanks, sell stuff, whatever it took to be able to keep my family safe and secure. How could you even question it?

Yes, it is easy for people to say 'I'd take them' but they're saying that from their own personal point of view, which OP has asked them for. She's not asked anyone 'what should I do', has she? Nobody is trying to guilt trip her by truthfully answering the question she's asked, which was 'what would you do?'. So please stop jumping on everybody's back for saying this.

I think everybody can see how much OP has already done and how much SS had put the responsibility on her over and over again, obviously very unfairly.

But these are children we're talking about who have been let down over and over again by both parents.through no fault of their own and so of course it's peoples' natural instinct to say 'take them in' without being in that situation themselves.

OP, absolutely nobody can advise you what to do. You've done your absolute best over and over again. I think it's only a decision you and your family can make. Sit down and discuss it with your DP and brother and his family. And whatever you decide, that's the right decision for you. You can still keep in touch and support your niece and nephew regardless where they're living.

No you wouldn't

you could always put your money where your mouth is and take them on like.

I would take them I think but I would hate it. Ask what support could be offered, and do it if you possibly can. Could your brother pay child support?

Because I wouldn't be able to continue my job and my own children would suffer? They wouldn't have what they have now. I have two boys at home, one with adhd (16) who needs his own room and my 13 year old in his own box room.

Where would I put two more children of similar ages? How would I financially support them?

It sounds like you are not in a position to do what is asked for very good reason. Be clear about that, and offer what support you can. They will need the support of their extended family and you can still give that without breaking yourself trying to do the impossible

Equally, those getting on their high horse insisting OP should take them, no question, are being irrational and unfair. You're not in that situation, don't bloody judge

Thank you

My shift pattern is irregular (I'm a nurse)

I physically do not have room.

The posters on this thread immediately saying they'd take them in clearly haven't read OPs posts.

What good is it agreeing to take them in if OP would have to quit her job and therefore be unable to house and feed them - and her own kids.

SS just left her to it when she took in the 16 year old nephew. I have no doubt that they would do it again.

Told me they are my responsibility and I should have been more of a support for my brother so it didn't get to this point again,

I could list the endless support I've given him since 2014. Endless. He will not let me past his door so I haven't seen the state of the house more recently

He needs to get a bloody cleaner if he can't be arsed to do it himself.

So your brother earns good money and manages to hold down full time work

Yet he is so pathetic as a parent SS want to remove the kids?

Well you haven’t given the full story of what those kids are enduring because at their age I doubt a dirty house would cause removal

And you must have been well aware that those children have been living in filthy conditions? Even functional alcoholics keep their kids

I'd ask SS to find a Foster Placement for them close to where you live and say you'd have them over one day at the weekend and one evening for a meal each week. At the end of the day they are your niece and nephew. Your brother sounds pathetic. He could pay someone to clean the house a couple of times each week. What happened to the 17 year old?

Ss will always take the cheapest option .

you aren’t someone who has done nothing - you have tried .

you do have 2 children to consider .

I rather doubt you would. I also suspect you have never been in OP's position.

As a mum, I think you should put your own children first. SS will always try to get someone to take them so they can close the case.

I could have written this. I took them. Time after time. Got much abuse for it. But my niece is doing great, and that has made it worth it.
I will say that ChildrensServices can offer a huge amount of financial support, but will only do so as a last resort. We got a proper amount of money which enabled us to fill in the gaps for her. We also got quality psychological support via the Adoption Support fund. Con tact Kinship Care, they are ver good.
You have been a really good Auntie, do what’s right for you and your family.💐

I've literally posted in the originally he's drinking. Leaving them alone, no food in the house, if the house is anything like it was last time, it wasn't liveable..

He won't let me past the door. We go round there. No one answers the door. How could I possibly know,

I have my own life, my own stresses, a full time job (stressful one at that!) and my own children

I would want to say yes - on the understanding that they will not be sent back to him, ever.

But theres wanting to, and theres having the space to do so, and you simply don't.

I'd offer as PP said, that if possible, they are supported in visiting you once a week for dinner etc, to maintain a relationship with you.

Unfortunately, going into the care system at their age is, no way around it, shit. The chances of them being given stability and security are nil, really, theres also a very high chance they will be split up due to their ages.

If you don't maintain a supportive relationship with them they're probably going to sink, and pretty quickly.

However I can absolutely understand why you can't and why you're outraged at SS attitude towards you, that is an absolute pisstake!

How awful for you. You’ve clearly gone well above and beyond and your brother and their mum are shameful but everyone’s got their limit and you’ve reached yours. You don’t have space, how is that not a consideration for SS? Don’t your own kids matter? You’ve got to prioritise them, no one else will.

Are there decent grandparents on either side who could help?

You have to put your children first.
and that means preserving their home as it is, not causing upheaval for them.

You have to keep your job, so you can’t leave an 11 year old at home without an adult.

and you don’t need any more stress in what sounds like a busy life.

plus your niece and nephew need someone who is putting their needs first and foremost, which just isn’t possible for a busy single parent.

could you have them for Sunday lunch and then spend the afternoon together?

He is 19 and working full time now. Still living there but works nights. He was the one who let social services through the door and was very open with them