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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hobby every weekend leaving me with step-kids?

207 replies

Roundly · 06/06/2023 14:14

DP has DSS (11) and DSD (13) from a previous relationship. I have DS (8). DP has always played football every other Saturday and always the weekend he did not have his children. This would typically be from 8am to around 4pm, for training and then matches, and often it goes on even longer if there are drinks or socials arranged afterwards. I didn't mind this as it tied in to when my own DS was with his dad, so I would have the day free to do any leisure activities of my choosing.

At the beginning of the year, for various reasons, my stepson and stepdaughter came to live with us full-time. Since then, my DP has slowly started to play football more, and in the last couple of months has played every Saturday. He's just announced that he will be playing football again this Saturday, leaving the care of all 3 children to me.

AIBU to say I'm fed up and don't want responsibility of three DC all Saturday again, and that he needs to go back to EOW? I feel like I'm being a bit rotten as he does work very hard and does a lot for us throughout the weekdays. I wouldn't mind so much if it was just the morning, but it's literally the entirety of Saturday.

OP posts:
redheadcurl · 06/06/2023 14:16

Do you SC go their mams at all? EOW?

Newusernameaug · 06/06/2023 14:17

He’s taking the utter piss - my big concern is why doesn’t he want to spend this precious time with his own children, is he that selfish that he only thinks of himself and not his kids after they’ve clearly been through some major stuff with a change in parental care.

OhComeOnFFS · 06/06/2023 14:17

No bloody way. It's HIS time with HIS children, not yours.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/06/2023 14:18

Announced it did he? Cheeky shit. No need to change the contact pattern as it’s presumably in place for a good reason. But no to him sodding off and leaving them with you.

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 06/06/2023 14:18

Imo you take your dc and go out well before he leaves... It really is up to him to organise childcare.. When he rings you remind him you had them last Saturday.. This weekend it's your turn for some free time..

44PumpLane · 06/06/2023 14:20

I'm not sure why you should be having them at all by yourself every other Saturday.

If you're fine with it then do feel free to have them occasionally but I imagine you are doing a decent amount for them in general ....if he wants to spend Saturday playing football he needs to arrange childcare.

OopsAnotherOne · 06/06/2023 14:20

When do you get your child-free day each week?

HomeB · 06/06/2023 14:21

So you've gone from never looking after them to looking after them every weekend? He's taking the piss

Laurdo · 06/06/2023 14:22

I'm sure you work very hard as well. Why is his personal time more important than yours?

He's being a CF just assuming you'll be available and absolutely taking you for granted. What if you wanted to make plans? What if you just wanted a day doing nothing?

Did he even discuss with you how he would manage childcare of the kids when he agreed to take them full time or did he just assume the woman would do it and he'd just carry on as normal? I'd be furious, honestly.

45387pob · 06/06/2023 14:22

Not the first thread I've read with this scenario. What is it with these men!? Can you imagine a woman. leaving her DC with their stepdad and buggering off to her hobby every weekend?

Doggydarling · 06/06/2023 14:22

These men make me laugh. The women who put up with them make me cringe. FFS be an adult and tell him if his kids are home so is he!! It's that simple, you're not their parent so no he can't fuck off every Saturday and even if you were their mother he can't fuck off every Saturday.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 06/06/2023 14:23

I'd reply "ok who is looking after SDC when you're out?"

Cheeky fucker. My DH would at least ask if i minded and our DC are shared!

Curseofthenation · 06/06/2023 14:24

He should have given up football when he agreed to have DSC full-time. It's his primary responsibility.

It's time for a chat with your DP. Also, you should definitely put some Saturdays in the calendar for yourself. Perhaps a shopping trip with friends or something for you! What a CF.

Original poster
Roundly · 06/06/2023 14:25

He does most of the childcare for his children during the week, including all the school runs (I was helping with this at first but it started to impact on me and my DC so I don't do it anymore). I do help out now and again, for example when he cannot take the time off work for an appointment or he desperately needs someone to pick or drop his DC to school.

It was a perfectly good arrangement with every other Saturday, but now it's started to turn into every Saturday with me being responsible for all 3 DC. My stepdaughter also often wants dropping to town or a friends house, so I'm also having to work my Saturday around those arrangements.

OP posts:
Caiti19 · 06/06/2023 14:25

He's massively taking the p*ss.

redheadcurl · 06/06/2023 14:27

Tell him he needs to find childcare if he's going out every weekend.

TeeBee · 06/06/2023 14:28

We'll say something then!! Why are sitting there putting up with it? He's taking the piss and slowly making you his default babysitter.

Tryagainplease · 06/06/2023 14:29

If you were happy with every other Saturday then it needs to go back to that IMO… but you should also make sure you get children free time EOW too

Laurdo · 06/06/2023 14:29

Roundly · 06/06/2023 14:25

He does most of the childcare for his children during the week, including all the school runs (I was helping with this at first but it started to impact on me and my DC so I don't do it anymore). I do help out now and again, for example when he cannot take the time off work for an appointment or he desperately needs someone to pick or drop his DC to school.

It was a perfectly good arrangement with every other Saturday, but now it's started to turn into every Saturday with me being responsible for all 3 DC. My stepdaughter also often wants dropping to town or a friends house, so I'm also having to work my Saturday around those arrangements.

Doing the school run during the week does not entitle him to every Saturday off. That's what he's supposed to do. It's called being a parent. Can you imagine a mum having this attitude?

How often does he watch your DS so you can go out? How often does he do the school run for him or take him to appointments?

coxesorangepippin · 06/06/2023 14:30

At the beginning of the year, for various reasons, my stepson and stepdaughter came to live with us full-time

^^

What are the reasons?

Gazelda · 06/06/2023 14:32

He has a day every week for his hobbies. When do you get the equivalent? He's taking advantage of you. Even if all of the children were your own, he'd be taking advantage by leaving childcare to you every single Saturday.

EL8888 · 06/06/2023 14:33

Doggydarling · 06/06/2023 14:22

These men make me laugh. The women who put up with them make me cringe. FFS be an adult and tell him if his kids are home so is he!! It's that simple, you're not their parent so no he can't fuck off every Saturday and even if you were their mother he can't fuck off every Saturday.

This every day of the week. He’s a twat, especially the “announcing” bit

Lkgcsr · 06/06/2023 14:34

I’d definitely tell him he can’t do it every weekend. My stepchild lives with us and while I certainly do a lot for her as we’re a team in terms of parenting I wouldn’t be doing this every weekend and the same with out joint DC

MostlyHappyMummy · 06/06/2023 14:37

I think you need to reframe it as you're not minding his children alone so what is he going to do to ensure they have childcare for his hobby.
This may be easier at the beginning if you make yourself unavailable on Saturdays

Giraffestail · 06/06/2023 14:41

Does your DS go to his dads eow still? If so I would book to be out eow when he is away. Yes it may mean less family time but he needs to understand the impact. I’d then book you and ds onto something every Saturday for a few weeks. Archery club, learn to rock climb, litter picking, volunteer at the cat shelter.

Let him see you are not a default option. At present he expects you to be available and he doesn’t have to ask as you are at home.

It would be better to discuss it but often it gets turned around that you are being petty/there anyway/ he works down the mine 60 hours a week and deserves a rest.