Hobby every weekend leaving me with step-kids?

[Roundly]

DP has DSS (11) and DSD (13) from a previous relationship. I have DS (8). DP has always played football every other Saturday and always the weekend he did not have his children. This would typically be from 8am to around 4pm, for training and then matches, and often it goes on even longer if there are drinks or socials arranged afterwards. I didn't mind this as it tied in to when my own DS was with his dad, so I would have the day free to do any leisure activities of my choosing.

At the beginning of the year, for various reasons, my stepson and stepdaughter came to live with us full-time. Since then, my DP has slowly started to play football more, and in the last couple of months has played every Saturday. He's just announced that he will be playing football again this Saturday, leaving the care of all 3 children to me.

AIBU to say I'm fed up and don't want responsibility of three DC all Saturday again, and that he needs to go back to EOW? I feel like I'm being a bit rotten as he does work very hard and does a lot for us throughout the weekdays. I wouldn't mind so much if it was just the morning, but it's literally the entirety of Saturday.

I thought that, faced with having to be a full time parent to his own children his response is to increase the time he spends indulging himself and leave OP to pick up the slack.
Also she says he 'does a lot for us throughout the weekdays' as if she feels she has to be grateful for what he does for his own children?

@orangegato

why?

how is that relevant?

@StormShadow

what???

he had two children by one mother, what are you on about??

That is really taking the piss. Either he sees his kids or it's EOW

Oh I read the OPs as being his as well. Looks like that's not correct? Either way, he has too many children to be able to behave like this.

Doggydarling ·
These men make me laugh. The women who put up with them make me cringe. FFS be an adult and tell him if his kids are home so is he!! It's that simple, you're not their parent so no he can't fuck off every Saturday and even if you were their mother he can't fuck off every Saturday

Exactly. No way on this earth would I put up with this. OP if you cant voice to him that hes taking the absolute piss out of you + neglecting his children, then there's something badly wrong with your relationship.

No man is worth this. At all.

Football has a season doesn't it, so it's not every weekend all year round?

In any case, if I'd loved him and was with him because I loved him better than your former partner, I'd probably put up with it.

Presumably you have Sunday

Working your plans around your DSD’s is very generous of you. My parents used to make me fit my plans around theirs, and I’ll do similar when my daughter is older.

How long is he out of the house for? If it’s all day that probably too much but if it’s just a couple of hours then I don’t see a problem. Has he actually asked you to look after the children rather than them being left alone?

Easy answer - if the kids might have a biological mother who is around to look after them. The biological mother might be in some other way unable to care for her kids - we don’t know.

@StormShadow on that we agree ! He has two too many to just puss off with his mates every Saturday!!

@Roundly I replied before I read your last post. Tell him to take them with him, every Saturday. The weekend DS is with his Dad is your time, the weekend he's not is his time with you.

I can see you care about his kids & that's lovely, but HE needs to realise they're HIS responsibility! Not sure what's gone down with their Mum, but it's not going to be great, so HE needs to actually parent them, be there for them. You're not actually doing any of them a favour by stepping in.

just out of curiosity, how much did he discuss having them full time? Did he ask how you felt, discuss the impact on your & DS's life?

Give him options. Either EOW or every week but mornings only with the occasional evening thrown in.
or say that you are going to keep your days free when ds is at his dads as usual and either his kids fend for themselves on those weekends, without lifts or he sends them to granny or something.

I agree that you shouldn't be left with them, however given their ages, he may be happy for them to be left home alone & that's up to him. Just go out and leave them to it.

Op I think you are doing the right thing by saying you aren’t prepared to do this and your dp should not have assumed you would. I don’t think a parent wanting time to themselves is selfish though . I think it is important to have your own hobbies and circle of friends- being in a relationship and having children doesn’t mean you cease to exist as your own person. BUT that doesn’t mean one person having their ‘own time’ every week whilst their partner doesn’t get any. Come to a decision together about what is reasonable in terms of his hobby and make sure you are also getting some time to do a hobby you enjoy.

Really? Would you expect an 11 year old to be fine being left totally alone all day every Saturday, which is what would need to happen? How will they access activities to coincide when there is nobody to take them?

This ‘they will be fine alone’ comes across like op should be available for them but shouldn’t complain as they won’t need a lot.

When do you get to do a hobby away from the family?

I wouldn’t put up with DH doing this and we only have joint kids. Your DP leaving his kids with you every Saturday is a special kind of cheek. No way on earth.

That whole day of hanging around playing 5 aside with mates every week isn't sustainable with having a young family. Do his friends have children?

Aren't they a bit old to need childcare? They aren't small children that need constant looking after. At that age I was home alone every day during the summer while my parents worked and it was fine.

I wouldn't adjust my plans to accommodate them on a regular basis to be honest. Maybe you could drop them off at their friend's house and dad can pick them up on the way home from football? Can the older child catch a bus into town? Ride a bike? Very presumptuous of your husband though.

Bottom line is that your SC are not in any way your responsibility, you do not accept in loco parentis responsibilities and duties. Their father needs to own and manage their care.

He can find a mid week team like all of the rest of us parents who like playing team sports. Matches every other weekend at the most. It's only selfish parents that play every weekend.

There seems to be a heck of a lot of discussion about football arrangements and almost nothing about who is taking care of the welfare of those DC - aged 11 and 13 is no age, they certainly aren't even adolescents yet. Does anyone care about them, it's really sad.

maybe not your responsibility OP but do you have any insights into how they've coped with separation from their mother - it seems like a very vague and incomplete picture where the mother fits in and the cooperation between your dP and their mother regarding ongoing continuity of care.

They are definitely adolescents at 11 and 13... The WHO defines an adolescent as between ages 10 and 19.

I would ask your DP who's going to look after his kids while plays football? If he says you, say you have plans etc.