Hobby every weekend leaving me with step-kids?

[Roundly]

DP has DSS (11) and DSD (13) from a previous relationship. I have DS (8). DP has always played football every other Saturday and always the weekend he did not have his children. This would typically be from 8am to around 4pm, for training and then matches, and often it goes on even longer if there are drinks or socials arranged afterwards. I didn't mind this as it tied in to when my own DS was with his dad, so I would have the day free to do any leisure activities of my choosing.

At the beginning of the year, for various reasons, my stepson and stepdaughter came to live with us full-time. Since then, my DP has slowly started to play football more, and in the last couple of months has played every Saturday. He's just announced that he will be playing football again this Saturday, leaving the care of all 3 children to me.

AIBU to say I'm fed up and don't want responsibility of three DC all Saturday again, and that he needs to go back to EOW? I feel like I'm being a bit rotten as he does work very hard and does a lot for us throughout the weekdays. I wouldn't mind so much if it was just the morning, but it's literally the entirety of Saturday.

You could just say "that's nice dear, enjoy football! Remember you'll need to arrange childcare sooner rather than later as I know it gets booked up quite quickly, or have you arranged something already?" Unless he outright asks you to care for his children, act oblivious and assume he will be finding his own childcare. If he asks you directly if you'll have them? Say no.

They live with you full time now so he probably feels it is ok to play football weekly.
However, this means that you have three children at home and your dp has increased the time playing his hobby.
Dies this mean that you no longer get a child free day?

YANBU, no way is this fair. And it’s not about them being step children, it’s that he should be there with you having family time and being there for his children.

This isn’t at all acceptable.

"Sorry dear, that doesn't work for me. I will be out eow doing my own thing while X is at my ExH"
Presumably he's now a premiership footballer in which case he can afford childcare anyway

It's unreasonable for him to be out half of every weekend. I wouldn't be happy with DP being out for a whole day every other weekend either, honestly, but that's fine if it works for you.

What're your 12 hours out every fortnight? It should be equal free time as far as possible.

YANBU, nip it in the bud now.

It's a coincidence how many men seem to take up or increase their hobbies when their allocated time parenting increases.

It's almost like they want to opt out and show their children that they don't matter.

Yanbu. Start going out before football. On the weekends you would have been children free just go out wave bye have a good day 👋.

You make plans based on childcare for your child.

That's taking the piss. Is your DS with his dad every other Saturday still, so every other week, you are looking after DSC only, not your own child? When is your one-on-one time with DS? When do you get a day off? (Yes I know parents never have a day off but if your child is away with their other parent, you are supposed to be free, not doing free labour!)

I understand you don't want to be unkind to DSC but while you're sorting this out with DP, I'd be a bit less inclined to ferry them wherever, whenever - you aren't a taxi, and if they want to go places, it's their dad's responsibility to arrange that - even if just asking if you could give them a lift, rather than fucking off at 8am and leaving it all to you. There needs to be a lot more 'I know you want a lift to town/friend's house but this is the only day I have to do xx so you have to tag along with me, sorry.' And then let DP deal with the complaints and hopefully come up with a solution, such as being around for his own kids. Maybe his DD will start asking her dad for a lift into town on Saturday, as you can't (won't) do it, and he'll get the message from that angle too.

Surely though as soon as he said he's playing again this Saturday you replied with 'what's happening with your children then'. When he then says he thought you would do it you say 'no'.

This should be agreed between you with him taking the lead with his children. You do not have to give an excuse as to why you can't/won't do it. The problem is that he knows you have your child so assumes a couple of extras is ok. I would be saying 'oh but I'm going out this weekend, I assumed you would be having the dc'

I think you should also just "announce" that you'll be out next Saturday all day so he'll need to sort something out for the kids. If he can just unilaterally decide not to be a parent one day a week I don't see why you can't do the same. Plan a day out for yourself and leave him to it.

Tell him you're busy with your own ds this weekend. Or having a day out. You don't need his permission. You don't need to give notice.

It's time to reset the balance.

You're not his babysitter. Although he clearly thinks you are.

What a cheeky bastard.

When are they at their Mum's?

He's effectively edging out your DS, isn't he? You don't have the time or opportunity to do things with him on weekends when he's not at his own dad's home.

You need to make plans for the Saturdays you have free. Just shrug when the question of his children's care comes up.

You also need to insist that you and your own DS have time together at weekends. Could be Saturday, could be Sunday.

OP He should be doing the majority of the childcare for his children. That is not your job. You need to pull him on this as I think he has taken advantage of you and you have allowed it to happen. Easier said - I know. Pull him into line before he takes more advantage and you find yourself trapped

Regardless of your children / his children because you all live together 24/7 this shouldn't matter whether they are 'yours' or 'his' in this situation.

Either way, he shouldn't be leaving you every single Saturday with ALL of the children to go off and do his hobby

Would he be ok with you doing your own thing every single Saturday? Do you get any Saturdays off?

Think you need to speak to him.

What a piss-taking wanker.

You need to remind him that it is his job as a parent to look after his children and sometimes as parents we have to forgo fun stuff like hobbies because we are too busy parenting.

Why is it always men that move in with someone and then just assume all housework and childcare will now be sorted out by the adult with the vagina??

I'd be rejoicing I wasn't married to him and giving him the boot for this level of sheer cheek! He might work hard but he chose to have these children and they are his responsibility.

Well, regardless of everything, nobody needs to be out from 8-4 to play football every Saturday! Even accounting for travel for away games every second week, this doesn’t make sense. He’s taking the piss.

I don’t actually think this is entirely a step parenting issue. I wouldn’t accept my husband being gone all day every Saturday. And I presume it isn’t reciprocal? So he isn’t then doing all childcare for his and your kids, and all house work every Sunday while you fuck off all day?

I would just refuse. He wants to have his kids live with him full time while still being an EOW dad.

How can it take ALL day to play a football match? Fine if he wants to play every week but NOT if it takes the whole day.

YANBU at all.

I’m so so saddened to see how so many women think they’re entering good decent relationships only to find out they’re being unpaid babysitters. That weekend is YOURS OP, refuse and take it back and enjoy your leisure time

It’s definitely worse being lumbered all day with someone else’s kids.

Not to mention he’s defeating the point entirely of contact time

Well it’s not contact time though. The kids live with them full time.

But my point was that this isn’t unacceptable because she’s a stepmum - that implies that if they were her kids this would be acceptable, which I think is really the wrong way to think.

Doh - sorry totally missed that they live there now!

But yes you’re right when they’re at OP’s FT it’s not acceptable either.

You are a bigger mug to tolerate this.

He knows you are a mug and therefore is treating you as such.

He's a selfish waster who can't be arsed to put his children first so has decided to use the nearest mug. You.

Note he slowly did this then told you without discussion.

It's your child I feel sorry for.

You have allowed this to happen.

We teach people how to treat us.

He couldn't care less about your child or your free time.

You are his skivvy au pair🙄.

Why would you allow yourself to be used like this by someone who clearly has zero respect for you?