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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hobby every weekend leaving me with step-kids?

207 replies

Roundly · 06/06/2023 14:14

DP has DSS (11) and DSD (13) from a previous relationship. I have DS (8). DP has always played football every other Saturday and always the weekend he did not have his children. This would typically be from 8am to around 4pm, for training and then matches, and often it goes on even longer if there are drinks or socials arranged afterwards. I didn't mind this as it tied in to when my own DS was with his dad, so I would have the day free to do any leisure activities of my choosing.

At the beginning of the year, for various reasons, my stepson and stepdaughter came to live with us full-time. Since then, my DP has slowly started to play football more, and in the last couple of months has played every Saturday. He's just announced that he will be playing football again this Saturday, leaving the care of all 3 children to me.

AIBU to say I'm fed up and don't want responsibility of three DC all Saturday again, and that he needs to go back to EOW? I feel like I'm being a bit rotten as he does work very hard and does a lot for us throughout the weekdays. I wouldn't mind so much if it was just the morning, but it's literally the entirety of Saturday.

OP posts:
NameChangedAnon · 07/06/2023 18:33

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 06/06/2023 14:18

Imo you take your dc and go out well before he leaves... It really is up to him to organise childcare.. When he rings you remind him you had them last Saturday.. This weekend it's your turn for some free time..

I don’t agree with this. I think he’s being a CF but his kids live with OP and actions like this will impact them/make them feel unwelcome or like they’ve caused something.

Better to just speak to him and tell him it’s not on.

PaterPower · 07/06/2023 18:42

Realistically, he’s not actually playing for 8 hours in a day. At most it would be an hour of training and perhaps the same again as a match after.

Premiership level footballers would be pretty knackered after two hours of play, so most amateurs would be blowing. So most of his Saturday is actually socialising. He’s not being reasonable.

Darlingx · 07/06/2023 18:55

45387pob · Yesterday 14:22
Not the first thread I've read with this scenario. What is it with these men!? Can you imagine a woman. leaving her DC with their stepdad and buggering off to her hobby every weekend

I know u have to wonder why things didn’t work out first time around😂I am just trying to imagine a woman daring to pull this one off she would have to be a fictional character .

whycantmenfindstuff · 07/06/2023 18:58

Cheeky f*er

Don't the SC spend any time with Mum?

Id be considering separation over this as he treats you like his servant

CauliflowerBalti · 07/06/2023 19:02

They’re all your kids now. I don’t understand the language of, I help him with his childcare when I can in the week, or, he’s left me looking after his kids every Saturday. I feel so sorry for the step children here. I was a step daughter and my step-dad made me feel like his family. He still does. My husband is step dad to my son and sees him as his son.

That said - your husband is massively taking the Micky. It doesn’t matter who spawned them - he’s leaving with you the kids every Saturday. Cheeky fecker. And none of the kids are getting much time with him. I think it’s fair to ask him to revert to every other weekend.

Lilyt14 · 07/06/2023 19:07

There seem to be so many stories of men like this on mumsnet!

OP please do not have a child with him, it will be so much more difficult to leave if you have a mutual child.

Also, no YANBU. He clearly sees you as a (unpaid) maid with benefits. I would wonder if he would have been as willing to take his children in full time if you weren’t around?

Its great that you are willing to step up and help, but he is absolutely taking the p*ss. You need to set very clear boundaries now to ensure that you have a similar amount of child free time to him, and also that you get family time. If he does not stick to it then I’d seriously consider leaving, the longer you stay in this relationship, the worse he’s going to get and the more difficult it will be for you to leave.

MySoCalledWife · 07/06/2023 19:26

Oh look, another man who has found a new woman to look after his kids

why do women accept this?

Sara198 · 07/06/2023 19:28

They are his kids they came to love with you both to be with him for whatever reasons none of our business probably.

on the weekends that your DS goes to their other parent just say I am sorry I am working can you make arrangements for the 11 and 13 years old please can I drop them anywhere - shows you are offering to drop them somewhere meeting him half way but if I was 11 and I lived with my dad I would want to see my mum if I could … could they not see her

Turquoiseturtle3 · 07/06/2023 20:15

How did your chat go, OP?

ASimpleLampoon · 07/06/2023 20:19

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 06/06/2023 14:18

Imo you take your dc and go out well before he leaves... It really is up to him to organise childcare.. When he rings you remind him you had them last Saturday.. This weekend it's your turn for some free time..

Agreed except the taking her dc. She should go out every other Saturday all day alone. It's what is fair.

Macinae · 07/06/2023 20:23

Having sole responsibility of looking after/entertaining/giving lifts to 3 kids every Saturday isn't on. What if you want to make plans?! Every other at most so you can have a Saturday each, and Sundays for family time if possible.

itsmylife7 · 07/06/2023 20:29

What would he do if he didn't live with you though ?

Hmm1234 · 07/06/2023 20:45

Tell him to get a nanny after all they’re aren’t YOUR kids

whynotwhatknot · 07/06/2023 21:02

theyre not all ops kids theyre not even married

its h8is job to sort out what they are doing and buggering off every saturday is out of order

RachaelN · 08/06/2023 06:22

The audacity of men. That is all.

Mummydrama · 08/06/2023 07:17

Can't he not take them with him at least some times. Mine dose, sometimes I go with when I have nothing on, they usually have a club house so they can eat etc.

Maybe go along once and have a look sometimes there's things there for the kiddies to do.

Laurdo · 08/06/2023 09:30

Mummydrama · 08/06/2023 07:17

Can't he not take them with him at least some times. Mine dose, sometimes I go with when I have nothing on, they usually have a club house so they can eat etc.

Maybe go along once and have a look sometimes there's things there for the kiddies to do.

Exactly. My DH used to play football on a Saturday but it was never an all day affair. He was there for 1pm to warm up, 2pm kick off and home for 4.30. Sometimes me and SD would go with him. Other people brought their kids too. There was usually a swing park near the football park so I'd take SD there. At home games we'd go back to the clubhouse for snacks and a drink.

Memyselfandsunshine · 08/06/2023 12:57

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Samlewis96 · 08/06/2023 13:53

ButterCrackers · 07/06/2023 07:24

The biologically mother could be rightly concerned about who is looking after her kids when their dad is away all day and evening. She could complain about this and stop the kids visiting their dad. That’s why it’s important to think about the kids biological mother.

Show quote history

Visiting? They live there

mainsfed · 08/06/2023 13:56

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Well done! How did H react to you setting boundaries / leaving him with his kids?

Bluebells1970 · 08/06/2023 14:34

So he's basically laying out that your free time isn't as important as his, and after his DC have been at school all week, he'd rather spend the day without them ....

What a prince among men you found there, OP.

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/06/2023 14:37

So what was his reply to looking after his own kids every Saturday

Do they ever go and see their mum now

Sunshine0x · 08/06/2023 15:20

I get pissed off when DH does this with his hobbies for our shared DC and I put my foot down. No way would I allow it for step kids they aren't your responsibility. He sees you as an unpaid, nanny housekeeper and shag he's taking the piss!!

Sunshine0x · 08/06/2023 15:22

If bio mum is safe and no risk to the kids I'd ask her to have them on those days as their father cba. She might want to know

BlueMongoose · 08/06/2023 17:16

Tell him you'll be taking turn and turn about with Saturdays, and going off to please yourself alternate ones when he stays at home with the kids. Alterntively, as I know it is difficult to play every other week if you're in a proper team, you take every Sunday off, or another day in the week as it suits you.
At the very least he should come back directly after the match every other week and not socialise.