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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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to ask adult DD to leave

222 replies

whackyattacky · 05/06/2023 19:21

It's been an incredible journey for me, having recently made a major move from one country to another. At my retirement age, my sister graciously invited me to live with her, and I was filled with hope and excitement.

However, just as I was starting to settle into my new surroundings, one evening, a knock at the door brought an unexpected surprise. It was my DD(42) , along with my three precious grandchildren, ages 21, 12, and 9. I was overwhelmed with joy to see them all

Initially, my DD mentioned that she would stay for a week or two, offering her support to help me adjust, navigate the bureaucratic processes of obtaining new documents, and even find a car. However, as the weeks turned into months, I couldn't help but notice that her departure seemed uncertain.

Regrettably, the promised assistance never materialized, and instead, I found myself facing instances of verbal abuse and frequent lectures. The household cleanliness was neglected, and any time I sought her help for basic tasks or requested the use of her car for essential errands, she dismissed me with lectures and refusals.

The latest incident occurred when I asked for assistance from either her or my grown grandson to assemble a bed frame, to which she callously responded that I should do it myself, disregarding my physical limitations and pleas for support.

Am I being unreasonable to ask DD to finish up her visit in the next week or two and go home?

OP posts:
ErinAndTonic · 05/06/2023 19:23

No, you're not being unreasonable at all.

So has she just attempted to unofficially move countries with all the kids in tow, or did she already live in this country? Im a bit confused.

LittleDonkeyKong · 05/06/2023 19:23

Tell her to leave now. What has happened to her house while she's been staying with you?

Valid8me · 05/06/2023 19:25

So are you all living with your sister? If so, what does she have to say about it, surely it is your sister that will have to ask her to leave?

Babsexxx · 05/06/2023 19:54

She needs to go yesterday! Tell her it’s gotten far too much and she needs to go home I don’t know what she’s playing at tbh? Wouldn’t enter my mind!

TomatoSandwiches · 05/06/2023 19:56

Well... is it your house? What does your sister think?

pinkyredrose · 05/06/2023 19:59

How is she doing this, don't she/the kids have work or school? Where are they all sleeping and what's happened to thier house?

Stompythedinosaur · 05/06/2023 20:00

You moved country to live with your sister, and then your adult dd, adult dgs and two kid dgc showed up without warning and moved in?

It wouldn't matter whether they helped you out the bedframe together or not, you are totally reasonable to ask them to go home.

I do wonder if there's a backstory to this though!

GCalltheway · 05/06/2023 20:18

There is a huge backstory to this.

whackyattacky · 05/06/2023 20:26

To clarify, I am the one who moved countries. My DD and sister live in the same country, just different areas.

OP posts:
Azandme · 05/06/2023 20:27

Tell her it's time to go.

unfortunateevents · 05/06/2023 20:30

whackyattacky · 05/06/2023 20:26

To clarify, I am the one who moved countries. My DD and sister live in the same country, just different areas.

So you are not living with your sister?

How far did your daughter move to be with you, over all the months that have passed what has been happening with her life, job, her children's education, etc? Have no conversations been had about any of this?

BattingDown · 05/06/2023 20:34

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MynameisJune · 05/06/2023 20:38

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AI?

titchy · 05/06/2023 20:38

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whackyattacky · 05/06/2023 20:44

Yes, this is exactly what happened. My sister and I are both getting ready to retire. She lives alone and I'm divorced. She invited me at the end of the pandemic so come and live with her. She owns the 2 bedroom 1 bathroom house. We talked at length and I decided to do it and sold everything and moved here to live with her.

I had been at my sister's about 2 1/2 weeks when DD and DGC showed up one evening right as we were going to bed. Turns out my sister knew and I guess DD told her not to tell me as it was to be a surprise. Yes, it was a surprise and I was very happy to see them all!

DD said she would stay for a week or two which of course I agreed to.

Now it's been months and I'm ready for them to go home.

What does my sister think about it? I spoke with her yesterday and mentioned that I was ready for them to go home and she agreed. She did say that she expected them to stay longer than 1 or 2 weeks as they've done it before.

Those who asked about work and school, DD does gig work so she was doing that here. The oldest DGS has a grandfather here that owns a business so he started doing work for him about a month after they arrived here. The other 2 are home schooled.

Where are they staying. We have a semi finished basement that they are staying in.

I hope that answers any questions.

OP posts:
whackyattacky · 05/06/2023 20:47

unfortunateevents · 05/06/2023 20:30

So you are not living with your sister?

How far did your daughter move to be with you, over all the months that have passed what has been happening with her life, job, her children's education, etc? Have no conversations been had about any of this?

Yes. I am living with my sister. My sister invited me to move in with her.

To clarify. I was living in NZ. I moved from NZ to the UK to live with my sister.

My sister and DD live in the UK.

OP posts:
VestaTilley · 05/06/2023 20:49

YANBU! She sounds awful. Give her two weeks notice then ask her to leave.

Aren’t the children in school, college or work themselves?

Assuming she wasn’t fleeing an abusive relationship you are not being unreasonable to ask her to leave. And even if she was in a bad place at home, that’s no excuse for her treating you badly and your new home like a hotel!

Gingergirl70 · 05/06/2023 20:51

So you have 4 people living in basement for months? Surely there's been a conversation about why she hasn't gone home? Where does she and her family normally live? Why can't you just ask her to go home and if she can't, why not?
Are you afraid of her? Is she controlling you both? Are you financially supporting them to some extent?

Jourdain11 · 05/06/2023 20:57

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KTheGrey · 05/06/2023 20:57

I would be worried she hasn't got a home to go to. But they all have to go, either way, mainly because they don't help out and you say your DD is also abusive.

They need to go by the end of next weekend.

whackyattacky · 05/06/2023 20:59

Gingergirl70 · 05/06/2023 20:51

So you have 4 people living in basement for months? Surely there's been a conversation about why she hasn't gone home? Where does she and her family normally live? Why can't you just ask her to go home and if she can't, why not?
Are you afraid of her? Is she controlling you both? Are you financially supporting them to some extent?

Yes, I am a little bit afraid of her. A couple of times when she was lecturing me the grown GS was standing over me and it felt intimidating.

I suspect she thought since I had sold everything, including my home, I would be giving her money and when that didn't happen she became cold and rude to me.

My sister had told me she hadn't heard from her in about a year and was surprised when DD messaged her saying she was coming for a visit.

She had been living elsewhere for several years but she is evasive about things so it is hard to know what is really going on.

OP posts:
Gingergirl70 · 05/06/2023 21:05

I'm sorry you're afraid of your DD and going through this. You should both be enjoying your retirement. I think maybe your sister might have to step in and tell them to leave, as it is her home and may have more clout in this decision.
Please both of you protect any savings you have too.

backseatwatching · 05/06/2023 21:08

This is your time now not her`s she has to go .
Tell her she has out stayed her welcome be firm and dont back down.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 05/06/2023 21:11

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Toddlerteaplease · 05/06/2023 21:14

Your sister is a saint, putting up with 4 extra
People in a two bedroom house. Where is everyone sleeping?