to ask adult DD to leave

[whackyattacky]

It's been an incredible journey for me, having recently made a major move from one country to another. At my retirement age, my sister graciously invited me to live with her, and I was filled with hope and excitement.

However, just as I was starting to settle into my new surroundings, one evening, a knock at the door brought an unexpected surprise. It was my DD(42) , along with my three precious grandchildren, ages 21, 12, and 9. I was overwhelmed with joy to see them all

Initially, my DD mentioned that she would stay for a week or two, offering her support to help me adjust, navigate the bureaucratic processes of obtaining new documents, and even find a car. However, as the weeks turned into months, I couldn't help but notice that her departure seemed uncertain.

Regrettably, the promised assistance never materialized, and instead, I found myself facing instances of verbal abuse and frequent lectures. The household cleanliness was neglected, and any time I sought her help for basic tasks or requested the use of her car for essential errands, she dismissed me with lectures and refusals.

The latest incident occurred when I asked for assistance from either her or my grown grandson to assemble a bed frame, to which she callously responded that I should do it myself, disregarding my physical limitations and pleas for support.

Am I being unreasonable to ask DD to finish up her visit in the next week or two and go home?

I think you and your sister should ask them to leave together, just so that you arent alone. Sister doesnt have to say anything but being present would support you.

I would just say that their time with you has now come to an end and you would like them to leave, within a fortnight. (altho tbf I would be saying tomorrow as 2 weeks is a lot of time for mischief and abuse)

Don't give two weeks. Just say, 'I think you and the family have been away from home for too long now. This visit has also been very long for me, and I have a lot I need to do that I am better placed organising myself. Aunty and I need you to go by the end of Friday at the latest.'

I think the above is perfect. If she threatens you or he does then call the police.
they have outstayed their welcome and need to move on.
will your sister be willing to be there while you say it?

Dear Daughter, the time has come for you and the children to end your visit. You have stayed with us for a number of months and as you are aware this is to be my home with Aunty. I am grateful she has allowed you to stay this long, we have discussed it and are in agreement the visit should now end. I am expecting you to leave by the end of the week.

Don't be drawn into explaining, justifying or apologizing. If there are protests and you feel you must respond to some, use questions. Why would you have thought that ? Who agreed this with you? Why would you assume I wanted this or that? Then use closure statements. You have misunderstood this situation entirely I am glad I could clear this up today. As I have said.... repeat same statements. If there is escalation or travelling in circles - I am going to end this conversation now, you are aware of my decision, please respect it.

“Okay, thanks for visiting. It’s time you get home and get back to your regular lives. I’ve got to get on with mine too. You’ll need all of your stuff out of here by the end of the weekend. I’m getting the locks changed on Monday.”

Was she even invited? Tell her to fuck off.

I feel sad about your 2 younger grandchildren, having to put up with their mother’s and elder brother’s behaviour. I hope it goes well for you, OP, so you can begin your retirement properly and fulfill your retirement plans.

Although tbh I don't get how you'd get CPTSD from your daughter and grandson swearing at you (which may or may not have been valid). Considering CPTSD is childhood post traumatic stress disorder...

The C sometimes stands for complex.

Really?🙄

I am confused why you and your sister have allowed her to stay so long given the history you have of her and her son abusing you.

What are the younger dc up to all this time in the basement? Tell them to leave by the end of the week.

Does your sister also live there? Or nearby? Can she be there for moral support? Do you have any other dc? Could they help?

Architectural historian here. There are thousands of nineteenth-century terraces in rows in towns across the UK which have exactly this arrangement. One of the former three bedrooms has been turned into an upstairs bathroom. Former basements and cellars have been converted to additional living space. There is nothing about what the OP says about her home which raises any question about her veracity.

Why would it be valid for these uninvited spongers to swear at their mum in her own home?

You’ve not been too dumb at all, you just don’t want to think too badly of your dd and dgs. If after you’ve spoken to them, they get nasty, please call the police.

I don't think she's telling you the truth OP but telling them they have to leave may well make the truth come out. I feel for you, it's awful if your child turns out to be a not particularly nice person and sadly I don't think she deserves you!!

SURPRISING UPDATE:

I'm guessing she has somehow seen this thread as I went out there and their things were packed and I asked if they were going home and she said they were planning to leave shortly. I'm surprised and shocked I didn't have to say anything.

Awesome news! Let’s hope she has seen this thread and realised how poor their behaviour has been.

Correct. This is a very old house. Here is a diagram of a similar house. The red arrow showing the stairs to the cellar. The cellar almost is the same size as the upstairs. The washer and drier is down there. I believe the previous owners used it to watch sport and have parties as there is a built in bar area.

Thats good to hear OP.

I went out again and they had left. They didn't even say goodbye.

Good riddance to them OP. Let's hope it's a considerable time before either you or your sister hear from them again and you don't have these home invaders back any time at all. 🌹

What an odd outcome not to say goodbye. How do you feel?

Both relieved and sad.

Have you counted the silver? I'm only half joking.

After what you've said about their behaviour, I'd be looking to see if my papers had been rifled through or any of my possessions (especially valuable ones) are missing. And I also think you and your sister should get the lock barrels changed.

I know you feel sad right now. But I think that you'll soon realize that, family or no, they really don't add to your life or your peace of mind and are best viewed from a distance.

I went paperless years ago and my jewelry has always been in my room with me.

She never did give them a key as someone was always here.

It's still sad as I've always wanted the best for them. I just don't want to be used and abused.