to ask adult DD to leave

[whackyattacky]

It's been an incredible journey for me, having recently made a major move from one country to another. At my retirement age, my sister graciously invited me to live with her, and I was filled with hope and excitement.

However, just as I was starting to settle into my new surroundings, one evening, a knock at the door brought an unexpected surprise. It was my DD(42) , along with my three precious grandchildren, ages 21, 12, and 9. I was overwhelmed with joy to see them all

Initially, my DD mentioned that she would stay for a week or two, offering her support to help me adjust, navigate the bureaucratic processes of obtaining new documents, and even find a car. However, as the weeks turned into months, I couldn't help but notice that her departure seemed uncertain.

Regrettably, the promised assistance never materialized, and instead, I found myself facing instances of verbal abuse and frequent lectures. The household cleanliness was neglected, and any time I sought her help for basic tasks or requested the use of her car for essential errands, she dismissed me with lectures and refusals.

The latest incident occurred when I asked for assistance from either her or my grown grandson to assemble a bed frame, to which she callously responded that I should do it myself, disregarding my physical limitations and pleas for support.

Am I being unreasonable to ask DD to finish up her visit in the next week or two and go home?

Ah, I couldn't quite figure out why this was written so passively...

Very strange!

To clarify. I agree that it is indeed a very strange situation. Imagine my horror and dismay when I read such a sad tale.

Thanks. I doubt she will tell them to leave as she is pretty non confrontational.
Ha! well I guess I am too as I haven't asked her to leave either. As I mentioned before, we discussed it and is ok with me asking her to leave.

So, I guess I will try to gather some courage and tell her in the next day or two.

OP you must ask them to leave. It seems a very odd situation the 4 of them staying so long. And you don't know why. Don't be intimidated by your daughter and GC. Unless they are actually homeless? In which case you have a bigger problem.

Not an excuse but are you sure she isn't homeless?

I hinted at the homelessness but she quickly shot that down as well as me mentioning government help. She scoffed and said she makes well over £45k and doesn't need any handouts and the DGS is making £20 per hour working for his DGF.

this a form of domestic abuse and coercive control.
please contact local police on 101 to ask for advice.
please do not let this situation slip.
you may need actual physical support to see them off.
your daughter may have disposed of her housing/ been evicted and intends sponging off older family members indefinitely.
please seek help. urgently.
let us know how you get on.
all the best.

This talk of salaries and not needing help sounds very odd. I would get her to leave, because the next stage is you paying for everything by degrees.

At 20, this is cheeky. At 45 there is something desperate about this and your daughter is not telling you the truth.

This was the first thing that came to mind.

Cost of living crisis in the UK has pushed many to the brink.

She may be trying to hide the reality of her situation.

Key point is how she arrived at the sisters home (unnanounced at night), and the way she focuses on money.

I know if I was homeless and someone took me in, I certainly wouldn't be treating their home like a hotel and being rude to my hosts. Like her taking me to the grocery a couple of times but she expected me to pay for her groceries and when I stopped, she refused to take me anywhere.

She seems to have money as she's has a lot of expensive beauty products.

I'm gathering my courage and will give her 2 weeks notice tomorrow.

That is a really weird situation. Do you have no idea what happened to her previous house? I think you and your sister need to join forces and confront them. You should speak to your sister when she is on her own.

Two weeks' notice?
Why not two days?!

You and your sister originally thought they were only going to stay 1-2 weeks in total - it's turned into months and she's been so rude/ obnoxious that you (both?) feel threatened by her and are scared to ask her to leave more quickly?

The point of this comment is...?

My gut feeling is DD has turned up thinking you have money after the sale of your house and feels she is entitled to her share.. but I'm cynical these days
They need to leave but is there any chance they're homeless
As you say she's evasive she must be hiding something

so what is plan B if she point blank refuses to leave? given her piss take level of entitlement described I would expect just that.

Maybe, just maybe, they call them groceries or grocery stores sometimes in New Zealand. You know. Where OP lived until very recently.

Wild I know, to learn that places exist outside the UK and people can even live there!

Two weeks notice? Can't you just imagine the 'atmosphere' in the house, not to mention the probability of coercion or even threats for that two weeks?! Besides, they aren't 'lodgers', they're visitors!

No, I agree with a PP upthread. I'd say "Well it's been an interesting visit but it's time for you all to go home now so your auntie and I can get settled into our new arrangement. You can leave on <day two days hence>. Plenty of time to make your travel arrangements back home".

I don't think it's been mentioned, but does she have a spouse/partner? Could they possibly have kicked her and the DC out and she doesn't want to tell you?

I would say you need to get your own place as you can't really say or do anything awful as it is

No more than a few days. Not two weeks
Do it now.

Not sure about the situation but just to say don't pick on OP for saying "grocery". In Australia we say "grocery store". Or "I need to grab some groceries".

It's long past time for them to be gone from your sister's house. The two of you need to sit them down and give them their walking papers with a two-week deadline to be gone. They have been no help and just moved in with that excuse to be able to mooch and get free room.

OP is from NZ and people use different words for things in different countries.

Its the same in the US.

UK folks tend to be a bit insular about these things.