to ask adult DD to leave

[whackyattacky]

It's been an incredible journey for me, having recently made a major move from one country to another. At my retirement age, my sister graciously invited me to live with her, and I was filled with hope and excitement.

However, just as I was starting to settle into my new surroundings, one evening, a knock at the door brought an unexpected surprise. It was my DD(42) , along with my three precious grandchildren, ages 21, 12, and 9. I was overwhelmed with joy to see them all

Initially, my DD mentioned that she would stay for a week or two, offering her support to help me adjust, navigate the bureaucratic processes of obtaining new documents, and even find a car. However, as the weeks turned into months, I couldn't help but notice that her departure seemed uncertain.

Regrettably, the promised assistance never materialized, and instead, I found myself facing instances of verbal abuse and frequent lectures. The household cleanliness was neglected, and any time I sought her help for basic tasks or requested the use of her car for essential errands, she dismissed me with lectures and refusals.

The latest incident occurred when I asked for assistance from either her or my grown grandson to assemble a bed frame, to which she callously responded that I should do it myself, disregarding my physical limitations and pleas for support.

Am I being unreasonable to ask DD to finish up her visit in the next week or two and go home?

What an unnecessary snide comment . In case you don’t know a grocery is a store that sells groceries. Just thought I’d fill you in as it seems you don’t know .

She needs to leave

She came as a guest for what was meant to be a week. She's not a lodger so 24 hours notice is plenty. Tell her to tomorrow that you need her out by Wednesday.

Then they will have no trouble paying for themselves. I hope you stay strong and get them out of the house before they take the house over and force you and your sister out.
Your NVDD and NVDGC sound very rude and entitled.

Please let us know what happens.

Here in the states, in my area at least, we go to the grocery store. The "corner shop" is usually a gas station type store and few people, that I know, say supermarket.
I guess it must depend on where you live(d) or grew up.

It's the same in Canada.
grocery shopping
grocery store
groceries

It's not difficult to figure out. 🤷‍♀️

She could be trying to avoid bills or just about anything. You referred to your daughter as DD and your grandson as DGC. Dear people do NOT intimidate, lecture, ignore and BULLY their family. There is nothing dear about either one of them. They are more AD and AGS, the "A" for abusive or "NVD" for not very dear. The fact that you are afraid of both of them is being used by them to their advantage. I wish I had good advice for you. Here in the states, I'd be asking the police and a lawyer for advice, but have no idea what one does over the pond.

After reading further and seeing how they bully you, do NOT give them more than 2-3 days to get the heck out.
I truly am starting to feel that they are there to drain all of your money and perhaps the sisters too. I hope you don't have many valuables and if you do, get a lock put on that door now. I am sure you can hire a handyman to do that.
You both need to protect yourselves. If your AD and her crew had good intentions they would not be treating you as they are.
“When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.”
― Maya Angelou

She's a grown up and she has out stayed your kindness.
Give your daughter a calm three weeks notice and then have the locks changed.
Only meet her at coffee shops for a while until she has made a home and invites you for a cup of tea.
She is your daughter, so hopefully you will stay on good terms and hopefully your daughter will secure safe living for your grandchildren.
Compromise could be had with you offering to babysit when it suits you or having a child to stay for a night in school holidays etc.

Sorry but who rocks up with 3 kids in row late at night to someone's home without prior warning and just barges their way into your home without mentioning it to anyone, on top of not making contact with your sister for a year. And no one has told her and her rude arse brood to leave as she's been emotionally abusive and you've been intimidated by her and your grandchildren. Really???

You need to woman up here and defend yourself. Daughter or not tell her to fuck off!

Of course tell her to leave, immediately. You at least owe your sister that

I think the point was a comment on the incongruent style of writing.

Also I am struggling to imagine a 2 bed 1 bathroom house in the U.K. with a cellar ( sorry basement) - let alone one big enough for 4 people to live for months.

Hope you can summon up the courage to ask them to leave. I feel sorry for your sister too.

And my post was sarcasm .

Please read and reread this comment op. If you’re feeling too intimidated to ask them to leave, this is coercive control and abuse. The police will help you if they refuse to leave willingly. It doesn’t matter if she’s been evicted from her house, if she has an income of 45k, that’s ample to rent a property for her and her family. You wouldn’t be making her homeless and I suspect the posters saying she wants your money are correct. However, you need that money for yourself. You won’t have a British pension for starters.

Maybe, just maybe, they call them groceries or grocery stores sometimes in New Zealand. You know. Where OP lived until very recently.

@Allthegoodnamesarechosen

As a NZer, I can confirm that yes, I say I have to pop down to the grocer or need to grab some groceries (although also sometimes say I'm going to the dairy or supermarket, depending on whether the store is smaller or larger than a grocery shop).

I'm well below retirement age but my retired mum would say this even more commonly than I would.

@Allthegoodnamesarechosen 'how very ignorant are you!! It's not OP's problem that you've never left the UK. Grow up!! Travel!!! Get some education!!!

Tell them to go OP this is no way to spend your life being intimidated and berated in your home

Honestly, I’d be calling the police ASAP. Your daughter and her kids are thugs. I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this. I would also be open about what’s going on with your sister and get some decent security set up at the house because I wouldn’t put it past your dd and her offspring to be vindictive.
Just out of interest, are you paying for their food?

Dont give her two weeks she’ll just take the piss!

@whackyattacky this is awful. It's time for her to get herself home, right now.
I wish I could send you a hug and help you sort your bed frame. 💐

I'm a GC in this situation, kind of.
Basically my DM fell on hard times and moved back into my DGM house.
She literally made her life hell for years, she's quite entitled anyway.
She'd eat all her food, smoke her cigarettes, she'd be obnoxious and complain about absolutely everything but never help.
It made my Grans life miserable.
She'd cause arguments, upset DGM terribly and then go into her bedroom and laugh about it on the phone to her friends.
In the end I went up, (DM is a typical bully, BTW I love her dearly I'm just not blind to her behaviour) DM is scared of anyone who'll stand up to her, so she's terrified of me because I'm V assertive, anyway, I told her if she made my gran upset, cry, anything else in her own home, I'd pack her stuff and she was coming to my spare room.
She got really upset, but after a week went back to helping herself to gran's bank card and causing arguments.
In the end I put a deposit on a flat down for her and moved her in, kicking and screaming of course because her freeloading was over.

When DGM was physically unable to stay in her home, I moved her in with me and my family and the 5 years we had her we spoilt her rotten, my DH would have film nights with her and my DC would spend time with her as much as they could.

You deserve much more than this OP x

I suggest you frame it as TELLING them to move, not ASKING.
Also, the way they turned up without an invitation, have extended their stay indefinitely and are taking advantage of you and you sister almost seems like a kind of "cuckooing" to me. (Even though there is no criminality).
The more quickly you get rid the better! I hope you can soon start to enjoy a new stress-free life in the UK.

What about telling your daughter in a roundabout way as you are clearly anxious about asking her or you would have already said, so "DD, your aunt and I are going away from say 10-17 June for a holiday leaving you time and space to get your things together and go home. When we come back on xx date we are starting our retirement and will want the place to ourselves then."
Good luck OP it's a difficult situation. Discuss with your sister and therefore be prepared if DD asks for DGS to now stay permanently as he's working