Dear Mr Hislop
I hope you don't mind me quoting your esteemed publication;
by Sofa Lorraine, Private Eye, Issue 1600, 16th June 2023, p.33
"Holly explains situation to viewers
In an emotional statement to the little children wathcing This Morning, Holly Willoughby reassured them that her former co-host Phililip Schofield "had gone to live on a farm".
Holly went on to explain to her viewers that the farm which was very special and lovely, and Phil would be looked after properly there, and be so happy that he would never leave, and so he would be never seen or heard from again.
After the statement caused uproar, ITV bosses cobbled together another press release that admitted that despite the way Holly spoke, This Morning viewers were not in fact little children. No, they were mainly housewives busy slagging Holly off on Mumsnet for being a totally fake patronizing cow."
Kind Regards
T.H.I.N.G.