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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end a friendship over not being made a bridesmaid?

359 replies

SillyBilly1993 · 30/05/2023 00:24

I had a lovely wedding a couple of years ago. My best friend of many years was my chief bridesmaid, she was my witness and made a speech too. I paid for her bridesmaids dress, jewellery, for her hair and make up. She did a bit of a pants job of organising my hen party which was stressful as I had to pick up the slack, but over the years she’s been a great friend to me and I’ve always felt really lucky and proud to have her in my life as such a close friend.

My friend got engaged last year and I assumed that she would ask me to be her maid of honour too. But time went by and eventually I got an invitation to her hen party from another friend of hers, which confirmed my fears that I wasn’t going to be asked to be a bridesmaid.

I was incredibly hurt that my friend hadn’t spoken to me to let me down gently, but I didn’t want to confront her because I knew that she had other difficult things going on in her life and because I couldn’t see what good could come of making a fuss.

But it was her hen party over the weekend, and I found it incredibly difficult. It felt humiliating that everyone knew that she had been my chief bridesmaid but I hadn’t been given any role in hers. It was upsetting to see her talking excitedly about plans for the wedding weekend with the bridesmaids. It was jarring to see how amazing and well planned her hen party was - it brought it home how little effort she had put into mine. I’d recently tried to organise a holiday with her but she’d said she didn’t have enough annual leave to spare, but in front of me at the weekend she was organising a holiday with other friends.

I can’t see us moving past this. The friendship wasn’t what I thought it was, and I feel like a fool. It’s made me feel worthless - that someone that I valued so highly would so completely not feel the same way.

I don’t think that anything that she could say would save the friendship now, so I’m intending to reduce contact with her, attend her wedding, and then quietly stop seeing her. AIBU for cutting her off in this way without saying anything because I wasn’t made a bridesmaid, am I taking it too seriously or should I confront her with how I feel first?

OP posts:
comfyshoes2022 · 30/05/2023 01:12

ringsaglitter · 30/05/2023 00:47

To quote the internet:

"You may not be your best friends best friend"

Please don't lose your friendship over this hun - we lose friends as we get older anyway. Rather, just cool it a little and don't stress so much. :)

I agree! I’m surprised so many people on this thread take a different view and would end the friendship. I understand why you’re hurt and upset, but it seems like it’s just one of those things that happens and you get through.

MovinGroovinBarbie · 30/05/2023 01:16

She might have already verbally agreed to the other holiday hence her not being able to also do one with you, but the MOH bit is defo a bit hurtful.

GuitarsUnderTheStars · 30/05/2023 01:19

I think you just need to adjust. She doesn’t class you as her closest friend but does class you as a friend. If you can think the same, it can all be ok. If you can’t do that, I think distancing yourself a bit is fine.

TomatoSandwiches · 30/05/2023 01:20

I would just be happy for my friend and her new engagement, honest to God this would never bother me at all, however I only had my sisters as bridesmaids.

EmmiJay · 30/05/2023 01:27

Sod her and her wedding tbh. Petty, entitled, whatever. She knows you'll feel excluded so eff it. GL!

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 30/05/2023 01:35

EllandRd · 30/05/2023 00:32

Oh get over it being so entitled. This is her wedding not yours, stop making it all about you.

she has every right to be upset if the friendship is not reciprocated. Stop being so nasty.

Grumpy67i8 · 30/05/2023 01:46

Yeah I can see why that hurts. You don't need to end the friendship but build some distance for your own mental health. She's not unreasonable to feel closer to other friends, life does move on and friendships sort of vary in closeness. You don't need to feel so embarrassed either, most people are too self absorbed to give it that much thought. And those who do, will get it as it has happened to some degree to many of us!

Grumpy67i8 · 30/05/2023 01:48

People would have noticed she was a shit bridesmaid as well at the time. I've been invited to a hen do where the chief bridesmaid is horrendously disorganised and It looks like the hen do won't even happen and there is nothing I can do but watch the car crash slowly happen.

VDisappointing · 30/05/2023 01:50

I am one of four girls. My oldest sister was my maid of honour. I was my younger sister’s only bridesmaid - we hold no resentment to each other. I think you have two issues - one your perception of tit for tat from a bridesmaid point of view and two your friendship with your friend is not what it once was.

barmycatmum · 30/05/2023 01:50

Just take the message - as you’ve mentioned - you’re not a priority to her.
that’s not a measure of your worth, by the way, OP. I know it can feel that way.
but what doesn’t choose us simply isn’t for us.
YANBU to pull away from this friend. In fact, I’d find it unreasonable to keep trying with her - you are worth more than that, never chase people.

Hold your head up. You’re a perfectly lovely person, I am sure, she just isn’t who you thought she was. That realization can hurt so badly. 💐

LemonTreeSkies · 30/05/2023 01:59

EllandRd · 30/05/2023 00:32

Oh get over it being so entitled. This is her wedding not yours, stop making it all about you.

Feel better for that, do you?

zombie0037 · 30/05/2023 02:04

Problem with people these days nobody communicates with each other, if it upsetting you that much, you need to talk to her, before it fester so much that it will cause serious bad feelings, ending a friendship due to this is understandable, but maybe not necessarily gonna make you feel any better.

LadyJ2023 · 30/05/2023 02:11

Are you joking what makes you entitled to be her bridesmaid lmao really....ive been bridesmaid at several friends but never had any for mine as ours was on a budget for a start. And your just nit picking about hen party if it was so bad you wouldn't have stayed friends and anyway everyone's definition of what a hen party should and shouldn't be it totally different organisation wise. Grow up.

JandalsAlways · 30/05/2023 02:20

It seems a silly thing to end a friendship over, but if you feel you can't move past it then fair enough. You might be best just to ask her about it (after the wedding) as it bothers you so much, maybe she feels closer to these people at this point in her life. I can see why you're hurt and a little bit embarrassed though. Also BTW the bride should pay for the bridesmaid dress, shoes, make up etc. I don't think a bridesmaid should be out of pocket for being a bridesmaid

ThereItIs1 · 30/05/2023 02:22

i don't know why you're being put on blast here! I am so sorry, what she has done sounds incredibly hurtful, I don't think YABU at all to end the friendship over this!!

Chamelion · 30/05/2023 02:25

YANBU
I wouldn’t even attend her wedding. Not a chance!

MrsMikeDrop · 30/05/2023 02:32

Grumpy67i8 · 30/05/2023 01:46

Yeah I can see why that hurts. You don't need to end the friendship but build some distance for your own mental health. She's not unreasonable to feel closer to other friends, life does move on and friendships sort of vary in closeness. You don't need to feel so embarrassed either, most people are too self absorbed to give it that much thought. And those who do, will get it as it has happened to some degree to many of us!

This is actually a really good point, no need to feel embarrassed no one would care. While I understand why you're hurt, it's quite immature to think because someone was your bridesmaid, you should be theirs

HoIIy · 30/05/2023 02:39

I wouldnt confront her. She's not done anything wrong it's her choice who she picks. But YANBU to step back, she doesn't value the friendship like you do.

JennyJenny8675309 · 30/05/2023 02:57

I would feel the same as you do. She doesn’t value your friendship.

For those saying it’s her wedding, she can choose whomever she wants, blah, blah, blah. Yes, of course she can, but that’s not the point.

I’d be done with this “friend” unless she makes a better effort to be one.

EmeraldPanda · 30/05/2023 03:17

I’ve been in a similar position OP. I understand the feeling of rejection and hurt you’re probably experiencing.

My friend told me she was just having her sisters as bridesmaids, and on the actual wedding day, I was in for quite a shock when four of her friends walked down the aisle ahead of her, as well as her sisters!

I think some people just avoid ANY conversation if they feel it might be confrontational.

It ended up being cathartic for me in some ways. I spent some time reflecting on our friendship and actually came to see we weren’t as close as I’d thought we were, and hadn’t been for years. We’d been much closer when she was my MOH, but had drifted when I had children and she was still single. Plus I wasn’t too keen on her fiancé (now husband) due to him mistreating her early on, and perhaps she didn’t like that I knew as much as I did. Ultimately I won’t ever know why she didn’t communicate the bridesmaid situation with me, and the ‘white lie’ about her sisters is probably what hurt most, rather than not being chosen.

We’re still close friends by the way, just not ‘best friends’ and with time having passed since her wedding I now don’t feel like it matters as much.

TheSingingCharm · 30/05/2023 03:18

Also excluding you from holiday plans she’s making with others in front of you. Lying she has no leave left. I couldn’t be bothered with all that nonsense and drama.

I think you’re doing the right thing OP. Quick turn up at the wedding, don’t stay long, then distance yourself.

AliceinSlumberland · 30/05/2023 03:19

I’ve been the bride in this situation - for two of my friends, I was their only bridesmaid but I didn’t have them as bridesmaids. I had two childhood best friends (we were always a three together) and my sister. I have quite a few very close friends and if I’d have had them all as bridesmaids it would have been silly. I didn’t actually have my best friend in the world as bridmesaid as she didn’t know anyone else in the wedding party and lives far away, so would have felt awkward, but I did speak to her about it. Tbh I do @regret that slightly but it was what she wanted.

Anyway, it’s not that I don’t love those friends and care about them dearly, it’s just that as I said, I have quite a few very close friends and so I ultimately had to pick as otherwise I’d have had about 7 bridesmaids. I went with my childhood best friends as they all know each other, know my sister and it was a cohesive group.

Player001 · 30/05/2023 03:33

EllandRd · 30/05/2023 00:32

Oh get over it being so entitled. This is her wedding not yours, stop making it all about you.

Wow, so much empathy.

Virgo1989 · 30/05/2023 03:43

YANBU to be upset OP - it's completely understandable given the circumstances and disappointing when you realise that others may not view your friendship in the way that you do.

That said - I wouldn't make a big deal out of it or confront her about it. What's the point - she's not going to ask you to be her bridesmaid just because you're upset you weren't considered in the first place, and even if she did it wouldn't feel genuine. Go to the wedding, try and enjoy yourself and like others have said build a bit of distance between the two of you and concentrate on other friendships that make you feel more valued. Your friendship with her may change but it's not worth losing it completely.

BaiesRosesAmbre · 30/05/2023 03:43

my friend is going through this exactly at the moment and I can totally understand why you feel upset.

Yanbu to feel that way OP.

Is she perhaps only having family as BM?

I think it would have been nice for her to quietly let you know that you weren’t going to be MOH.

why did she organise your hen so badly? What gave you the impression she didn’t care? It sounds like she did if she agreed to be your MOH and do a speech. Maybe she’s just not good at organising parties?

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