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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end a friendship over not being made a bridesmaid?

359 replies

SillyBilly1993 · 30/05/2023 00:24

I had a lovely wedding a couple of years ago. My best friend of many years was my chief bridesmaid, she was my witness and made a speech too. I paid for her bridesmaids dress, jewellery, for her hair and make up. She did a bit of a pants job of organising my hen party which was stressful as I had to pick up the slack, but over the years she’s been a great friend to me and I’ve always felt really lucky and proud to have her in my life as such a close friend.

My friend got engaged last year and I assumed that she would ask me to be her maid of honour too. But time went by and eventually I got an invitation to her hen party from another friend of hers, which confirmed my fears that I wasn’t going to be asked to be a bridesmaid.

I was incredibly hurt that my friend hadn’t spoken to me to let me down gently, but I didn’t want to confront her because I knew that she had other difficult things going on in her life and because I couldn’t see what good could come of making a fuss.

But it was her hen party over the weekend, and I found it incredibly difficult. It felt humiliating that everyone knew that she had been my chief bridesmaid but I hadn’t been given any role in hers. It was upsetting to see her talking excitedly about plans for the wedding weekend with the bridesmaids. It was jarring to see how amazing and well planned her hen party was - it brought it home how little effort she had put into mine. I’d recently tried to organise a holiday with her but she’d said she didn’t have enough annual leave to spare, but in front of me at the weekend she was organising a holiday with other friends.

I can’t see us moving past this. The friendship wasn’t what I thought it was, and I feel like a fool. It’s made me feel worthless - that someone that I valued so highly would so completely not feel the same way.

I don’t think that anything that she could say would save the friendship now, so I’m intending to reduce contact with her, attend her wedding, and then quietly stop seeing her. AIBU for cutting her off in this way without saying anything because I wasn’t made a bridesmaid, am I taking it too seriously or should I confront her with how I feel first?

OP posts:
Seagullsbythesea · 30/05/2023 05:49

@SillyBilly1993 this happened to me but with my own sister! She chose her friends instead & I had people asking me all day why I wasn’t a bridesmaid! She did have my daughter as a bridesmaid & I did a reading but it wasn’t the same. I was really hurt!

MayThe4th · 30/05/2023 05:50

Are you twelve?

Honestly this whole notion of ending friendships is just so incredibly childish and belongs in the playground.

Friendships change over time, sometimes we see friends more,sometimes less,sometimes you don’t feel as close to someone and might just not make as much effort. But actively ending a friendship, unless the friend has done something so abhorrent that you need to make your feelings known, such as e.g. commit a crime, is juvanile.

And ending a friendship over not being asked to be a bridesmaid is pathetic.

malificent7 · 30/05/2023 05:56

This is why i am not having bridesmaids at my wedding. It is hurtful op ...try to talk about it but i think little girls should be bridesmaids and adult women should drop the drama.

TroysMammy · 30/05/2023 06:06

I wasn't a bridesmaid to my friend from school of 10 years but it didn't bother me at all. But 32 years later I'm still her friend, the bridesmaids, not so.

Dita73 · 30/05/2023 06:14

YANBU to feel hurt but she’s NBU either. You just value the friendship more than she does but it doesn’t mean she doesn’t see you as a friend at all. Go to the wedding and if you feel you want to back off a bit then do but whatever you do don’t say anything. It’s has the potential to become embarrassing and possibly a bit creepy

benfoldsfivefan · 30/05/2023 06:15

I’m surprised by the lack of empathy by some on this thread.

This is very hurtful, I get it. It hurts when we realise that people we care very much for don’t feel the same.

Why don’t you talk to her about it?

malificent7 · 30/05/2023 06:17

When I say" drop the drama" I'm not getting at you op...i mean the whole bridesmaids thing in general...it causes so much hurt.
I wouldn't be able to stay as close to this friend.

DrHousecuredme · 30/05/2023 06:23

I'm sorry this happened. It's painful to realise that friends don't hold us in the same regard that we hold them a NF d this is what's happened here. Clearly she likes you and wants you around but she has other friends who she currently feels closer to. It could be that this was always the case and it's taken the wedding to make you realise that or it could be that these are newer friendships that have become exciting and all encompassing to her fairly recently.
Either way, definitely don't confront her, she hasn't actually done anything wrong and don't ditch her completely because you enjoy her company. What I'd do is turn your time and attention to other friends, focus on having a full and interesting life and let her slide into her new position as a small part of that. Enjoy her company when you both find the time to meet but stop over investing in her and getting hurt when that's nor reciprocated.

Sierra26 · 30/05/2023 06:28

If this is going to change how you feel about your friendship, don’t make it about the bridesmaid point. Choosing bridesmaids is hard and planning a wedding is often stressful. It’s not about you.

It’s about the return (or lack of) of effort and thought, which is perfectly valid.

BalloonSlayer · 30/05/2023 06:30

No one has mentioned the most obvious point - traditionally bridesMAIDS are unmarried and once you are married you are never again a bridesmaid.

Traditional families still follow this. Pippa Middeton was famously Kate's bridesmaid but Kate was not hers, nor a "matron of honour," she was just a wedding guest like everyone else.

It could just be that.

Mainlinethehappy · 30/05/2023 06:31

This will happen a lot in life, OP. I’ve often liked people more than they’ve liked me, and the hurt of that disparity is magnified by events like weddings, birthdays, holidays, meals out… it’s like competitive socialising, and I feel a lot freer now that I don’t engage with any of it.
It’s lonelier, but I’m happy with my own company, books, films and hobbies - and that sickening questioning of “do I matter?” no longer features as a powerful dictator of my happiness.

gloriousmulch · 30/05/2023 06:40

I don't think I'd cut a friend off for not making me a bridesmaid, but it sounds as though the issues go deeper than that - you feel as if you're not such a high priority to her as she is to you. I think I'd be looking to alter my expectations of the friendship a bit, but there's no need to think about 'ending' it unless you really feel she has nothing to offer you anymore.

Thehonestbadger · 30/05/2023 06:41

I’m sorry you got hurt.
It must have felt like a real blow.
I think these are lessons usually learnt in the playground but every so often they slip the net and wrong foot us as adults.

Being someone’s best friend isn’t automatic when they are your best friend. So you might view her as your ‘best friend’ whilst in reality you are 5th or 6th down on her list. There’s no harm in that in theory but your emotional investment and expectations will always be much higher than hers.

I don’t think she did anything wrong per se, other than messing up your hen do (but personally think hen do’s are ghastly and shouldn’t exist anyway so struggling for sympathy) I’d also consider other trends like are any of the other bridesmaids married? Traditionally married women are not bridesmaids. A very close friend of mind from uni is marrying my brother this summer and I’m not her bridesmaid because I’m already married. My small DD is her flower girl instead.

connie26 · 30/05/2023 06:49

I would be hurt too op. It sounds like the friendship is just one sided and to do that to you says a lot about her. Move on and forget about her.

pollykitty · 30/05/2023 06:50

Not quite the same but I didn’t invite or tell two ‘close’ friends to my second wedding because of how one acted at the first. They kind of come as a pair, if I invited one the other would have to be invited too. At my first wedding, they showed up late and didn’t seem very happy to be there. Then over the years, didn’t seem to include me in baby announcements etc. Despite being like ‘oh you’re one of my best friends’ and meeting up fairly regularly etc. It just confused and hurt me and I took a step back. My second wedding was naturally not as ‘big’ as the first but thought they would stress me out and didn’t bother. It was the right decision. We are all still friends but the relationship has shifted. I would be very hurt and feel humiliated too. Take a step back and realize you have people in your life that will value your friendship more.

NameforMN · 30/05/2023 06:50

I can understand why you're hurt OP. It's a declaration of her feelings for you and they're not reciprocating your feelings for her, which is hurtful. But OTOH, she has the right to do that.

I assume that you will know other people at the wedding? If I were you, I'd go anyway and have a good time. IMO it's better to be a guest than MoH anyway. This will change your friendship as it reframes it, but I don't think it need be the end.

Friendships ebb and flow. Personally, I don't go in for the whole 'best friend' thing. I prefer my friendships to be more casual and less intense. People come and go.I've been hurt by situations where feelings aren't reciprocated. It's not people being mean, they feel what they feel. I have much better friendships how that I invest less in them and expect less.

WhatNoRaisins · 30/05/2023 06:55

It's tricky, some people do have a lot of different friendship circles that they keep separate which means it isn't always obvious where you stand. It's not necessarily either persons fault but it does sound like she could have handled this better. A discreet conversation might have helped, saying nothing until the hen do was insensitive.

Your feelings are your feelings and if this has changed how you see the friendship then maybe moving on from it is the best thing.

storminamooncup · 30/05/2023 07:00

@SillyBilly1993 is she having family members as her bridesmaids, is that perhaps the reason? I would be more understanding in that situation as I'd always go with sisters/future SIL/first cousins over a best friend.

DollyParkin · 30/05/2023 07:01

Oh, @SillyBilly1993 I feel for you. That sounds very uncomfortable. She’s already distanced you, so YANBU.

VestaTilley · 30/05/2023 07:02

She gets to choose her own bridesmaids, so YABU about that, but it does sound like yours isn’t the friendship you’d imagined it to be.

I’m in a similar situation with a close friend at the moment; it’s complicated by the fact she’s DC’s Godmother, but she’s actively cooled towards me in recent years and never given an explanation. I was due to read at her wedding, then she uninvited me from reading as she said she realised the service was too full! She’s good to DC, takes an interest and sends gifts, but I rarely hear from her now. I went to her hen with good grace, but won’t be making any effort anymore after her wedding. I suspect our relationship will peter out very quickly.

I was sad about it a few years ago, but I’ve since seen her to be manipulative and selfish, so I’ve done my mourning.

lucya66 · 30/05/2023 07:05

gently, If you ruin your friendship over this you’ll likely regret it one day. Sounds like you’re putting her on a bit of pedestal and when she doesn’t live up to it, you’re turning on her. It’s a bit all or nothing and it sounds a bit toxic to me.

I would do some personal searching on why you feel so snubbed at this and why you are so triggered to not be chosen. You were at the hen, you’re important but all this heirarchy of who’s most important stuff is silly.

love friends and their choices. Be so happy for her she’s got so many great friends.

good luck x

ThisNameIsNotAvailable · 30/05/2023 07:06

Is there a chance that she realised at your wedding that your approaches to weddings are very different? You say she did a pants job of organising your hen do and you had to take over and things were stressful. I wonder if you may have upset her with this and she realised that she didn’t want that level of stress in her own wedding.

SchoolShenanigans · 30/05/2023 07:07

Why does it have to be all or nothing?

She obviously likes you as you were invited to the hen and wedding. So you're friends.

But yes, it sounds like she doesn't regard you as a best friend anymore. That's ok, time moves on.

If you throw away the friendship, then that's on you. It's normal to feel hurt but I think it's dramatic to end the friendship completely.

pepperminticecream · 30/05/2023 07:13

You need to have a proper conversation with her, express how you are feeling and find out how she feels. It would be immature and unhealthy to back away, attend her wedding and then stop being her friend. Communicating with her is really the only option here.

I think it's possible that you value the friendship more but that doesn't mean that she doesn't see you as a friend, she might just be closer to the women she has in her bridal party. You don't need to see each other in same way or have the same roles for each other in your weddings. But you need to talk to her.

InsomniacVampire · 30/05/2023 07:15

gloriousmulch · 30/05/2023 06:40

I don't think I'd cut a friend off for not making me a bridesmaid, but it sounds as though the issues go deeper than that - you feel as if you're not such a high priority to her as she is to you. I think I'd be looking to alter my expectations of the friendship a bit, but there's no need to think about 'ending' it unless you really feel she has nothing to offer you anymore.

This!

But also, do you otherwise spend a lot of time together?
Maybe the frienship run its course (on her side at least). You don;t need to cut it of,, but let it fizzle out, dont ring or text and see what happens.
I think she is letting you kno you are not that important to her OP.

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