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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end a friendship over not being made a bridesmaid?

359 replies

SillyBilly1993 · 30/05/2023 00:24

I had a lovely wedding a couple of years ago. My best friend of many years was my chief bridesmaid, she was my witness and made a speech too. I paid for her bridesmaids dress, jewellery, for her hair and make up. She did a bit of a pants job of organising my hen party which was stressful as I had to pick up the slack, but over the years she’s been a great friend to me and I’ve always felt really lucky and proud to have her in my life as such a close friend.

My friend got engaged last year and I assumed that she would ask me to be her maid of honour too. But time went by and eventually I got an invitation to her hen party from another friend of hers, which confirmed my fears that I wasn’t going to be asked to be a bridesmaid.

I was incredibly hurt that my friend hadn’t spoken to me to let me down gently, but I didn’t want to confront her because I knew that she had other difficult things going on in her life and because I couldn’t see what good could come of making a fuss.

But it was her hen party over the weekend, and I found it incredibly difficult. It felt humiliating that everyone knew that she had been my chief bridesmaid but I hadn’t been given any role in hers. It was upsetting to see her talking excitedly about plans for the wedding weekend with the bridesmaids. It was jarring to see how amazing and well planned her hen party was - it brought it home how little effort she had put into mine. I’d recently tried to organise a holiday with her but she’d said she didn’t have enough annual leave to spare, but in front of me at the weekend she was organising a holiday with other friends.

I can’t see us moving past this. The friendship wasn’t what I thought it was, and I feel like a fool. It’s made me feel worthless - that someone that I valued so highly would so completely not feel the same way.

I don’t think that anything that she could say would save the friendship now, so I’m intending to reduce contact with her, attend her wedding, and then quietly stop seeing her. AIBU for cutting her off in this way without saying anything because I wasn’t made a bridesmaid, am I taking it too seriously or should I confront her with how I feel first?

OP posts:
DreamTheMoors · 30/05/2023 03:46

You want to cut her out, @SillyBilly1993 -
kindly, I think she beat you to the punch.

My closest friend left me in Mexico. Yep - she and her friends abandoned me in a foreign country. I had to hitchhike 80 miles back to San Diego with strangers. It was terrifying.
People. You can’t win for losing.

SD1978 · 30/05/2023 03:59

How often do you actually meet up?

Guavafish1 · 30/05/2023 03:59

I like your former plan.... I think you need to distance yourself from her tbh. I suspect the friendship is more one sided.

Allosaur · 30/05/2023 04:16

Ah, I'm sorry, OP. A close friend of mine asked me to be a bridesmaid and help organise her hen then cut me and another girl out quite last minute due to the numbers on her boyfriends side being uneven! I was really hurt as I considered her a close friend, I felt so awkward organising the hen with the other bridesmaids I ended up asking if it was ok for me to opt-out since it was awkward for them too avoiding bridesmaid stuff around me! She has a lot of friends though, I only have a few close female friends so I just figured I wasn't as valued as the others. It hurt at the time but I did get over it and I didn't want make a thing about it but I understand why you're hurt. I used to have a lot more friends but I have just become a lot more anti-social over the last few years so need to get myself out there so holding on to the few I have left!
I wouldn't get rid of the friendship, I would just keep it at arm's length until you feel better and see how you feel from there.

Mamaneedsadrink · 30/05/2023 04:20

DreamTheMoors · 30/05/2023 03:46

You want to cut her out, @SillyBilly1993 -
kindly, I think she beat you to the punch.

My closest friend left me in Mexico. Yep - she and her friends abandoned me in a foreign country. I had to hitchhike 80 miles back to San Diego with strangers. It was terrifying.
People. You can’t win for losing.

Wtf. I'm sorry to hear this, my goodness. I think you need to start your own thread!

ChilliHealer · 30/05/2023 04:31

Yanbu to feel the way you feel. I think you're right in that your friend doesn't now feel the way you felt towards her when you asked her to be MOH. What has changed, since you say she's less affectionate these days? Maybe her friendships have shifted and she's feeling more in tune with the people she's appointed as bridesmaids. That's an explanation but it doesn't make you feel any better and it's sad that she hasn't considered your feelings in all of this.

If you feel humiliated or embarrassed about people making the comparisons, try and get past that (as they say, it's none of your business what others think about you). My advice is to go to the wedding, wish your friend well, and then focus on other friendships that are more equal.

aloris · 30/05/2023 04:31

I think if you look back, you can see the signs of this were starting to show earlier. Her doing a poor job with your hen party is a sign, don't you think? She didn't prioritise it enough to make it really nice for you. Hmmm....

On the other hand, picking bridesmaids can get very political and awkward. Maybe she has been a bridesmaid in a lot of weddings and all of them expect to be her bridesmaid. Maybe her fiance is best friends with the husband of one of her bridesmaids and would be really offended if she didn't ask his friend's wife. Maybe one of them got her an interview for her current job. Maybe maybe maybe. You just never know what is going on with people. I think it's fine to pull back a bit (or a lot) depending on how you feel, your instincts, etcetera.

The reality is that after you get married, your spouse should probably be the person to whom you are closest. You won't be as available to friends who are still single. It's ok for you to prioritise your spouse and your new family. It's ok for your friends to move other people up their priorities as yours change and you are no longer as available to them. Relationships change, life changes, etc.

There's no right or wrong answer. It's ok to do whatever makes you happiest here.

Zippedydoo123 · 30/05/2023 04:33

DreamTheMoors · 30/05/2023 03:46

You want to cut her out, @SillyBilly1993 -
kindly, I think she beat you to the punch.

My closest friend left me in Mexico. Yep - she and her friends abandoned me in a foreign country. I had to hitchhike 80 miles back to San Diego with strangers. It was terrifying.
People. You can’t win for losing.

That sounds horrific.What an expeeience!

SparklyBlackKitten · 30/05/2023 04:47

She was obviously your bestest of friends
But you are not that for her

That is NO reason to end a friendship over

Unless you are 8.

Clementinesucks · 30/05/2023 04:48

You don’t need to end the friendship. Step back and let it fizzle out.

allibaby · 30/05/2023 04:52

EllandRd · 30/05/2023 00:32

Oh get over it being so entitled. This is her wedding not yours, stop making it all about you.

You know it doesn't make you edgy to be so nasty to the op who was just asking for advice

Get over yourself.

allibaby · 30/05/2023 04:57

LadyJ2023 · 30/05/2023 02:11

Are you joking what makes you entitled to be her bridesmaid lmao really....ive been bridesmaid at several friends but never had any for mine as ours was on a budget for a start. And your just nit picking about hen party if it was so bad you wouldn't have stayed friends and anyway everyone's definition of what a hen party should and shouldn't be it totally different organisation wise. Grow up.

Oh look another one being nasty to the op.
Seems to me the only ones that need to grow up are the likes of yourself trying to be all edgy and hard on a public forum.
Pathetic!

QueenMegan · 30/05/2023 04:59

People only hurt you if you allow it.

Just decide if going is worth it. You're an adult if not decline and do something else.

allibaby · 30/05/2023 05:02

SillyBilly1993 · 30/05/2023 00:24

I had a lovely wedding a couple of years ago. My best friend of many years was my chief bridesmaid, she was my witness and made a speech too. I paid for her bridesmaids dress, jewellery, for her hair and make up. She did a bit of a pants job of organising my hen party which was stressful as I had to pick up the slack, but over the years she’s been a great friend to me and I’ve always felt really lucky and proud to have her in my life as such a close friend.

My friend got engaged last year and I assumed that she would ask me to be her maid of honour too. But time went by and eventually I got an invitation to her hen party from another friend of hers, which confirmed my fears that I wasn’t going to be asked to be a bridesmaid.

I was incredibly hurt that my friend hadn’t spoken to me to let me down gently, but I didn’t want to confront her because I knew that she had other difficult things going on in her life and because I couldn’t see what good could come of making a fuss.

But it was her hen party over the weekend, and I found it incredibly difficult. It felt humiliating that everyone knew that she had been my chief bridesmaid but I hadn’t been given any role in hers. It was upsetting to see her talking excitedly about plans for the wedding weekend with the bridesmaids. It was jarring to see how amazing and well planned her hen party was - it brought it home how little effort she had put into mine. I’d recently tried to organise a holiday with her but she’d said she didn’t have enough annual leave to spare, but in front of me at the weekend she was organising a holiday with other friends.

I can’t see us moving past this. The friendship wasn’t what I thought it was, and I feel like a fool. It’s made me feel worthless - that someone that I valued so highly would so completely not feel the same way.

I don’t think that anything that she could say would save the friendship now, so I’m intending to reduce contact with her, attend her wedding, and then quietly stop seeing her. AIBU for cutting her off in this way without saying anything because I wasn’t made a bridesmaid, am I taking it too seriously or should I confront her with how I feel first?

I think you have every right to feel hurt.
I wouldn't fall out with her over this but I would definitely pull back a bit from the friendship because as others have said she doesn't value the friendship as much as you do.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 30/05/2023 05:04

I can understand your hurt, OP.

I wouldn’t ditch the friendship altogether. As life goes on, I think we need more friends, rather than less.

Just step back a bit and relegate her to the level you think she may have you at.

myheadisspinningoutofcontrol · 30/05/2023 05:05

If you feel humiliated and upset and don't feel you can move past this, then I wouldn't go to the wedding. It will only upset you more!

Sundaysundaebananasplit · 30/05/2023 05:16

Oh my goodness. So many emotionally detached robots here. Some people have zero nuance!

Of course its going to be incredibly hurtful!

She should have spoken to you or had you as a bridesmaid. I couldn't move past this. Not because I'd want to wear a dress and get my hair done, but because being a bridesmaid often has a lot of symbolism in friendships. It means, you are important to me and I'm giving youa special role on my special day.

Obviously sometimes it's done to tick a box, keep people happy, but the general system is about respect and acknowledging those closest to you. To give that role to someone, and then them not give it to you in return represents a one sided friendship. It shows that all of the love you had for them isn't reciprocated, and if it is, it's really on the bride to explain things as this is the natural conclusion to make if you're cut out of the role. You are absolutely not BU.

I'm sorry. I would back away from the friendship. Its not the friendship it was, or that you had imagined.

Sundaysundaebananasplit · 30/05/2023 05:18

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 30/05/2023 01:35

she has every right to be upset if the friendship is not reciprocated. Stop being so nasty.

Show quote history

I agree that this was a horrible post. Being entitled indeed.

Shoxfordian · 30/05/2023 05:20

I wouldn’t bother going to the wedding either tbh; she clearly doesn’t think of you as her close friend

Primrosefrill · 30/05/2023 05:22

God there are some fucking horrible bitches on this thread who get their kicks out of being nasty. I bet they were the playground bullies at school.

YANBU OP. At the very least she should have mentioned this to you beforehand given you did her the courtesy of asking her to be your chief BM. Anyone normal would feel hurt and embarrassed by this. I don't think you need to cut her off but if it were me I would be backing right off. In all honesty I wouldn't go to the wedding either.

Lovemylaminator · 30/05/2023 05:26

This may seem a bit childish to some, but I can see where the embarrassment and humilation comes in.

Now, you can obviously 'end' this friendship after the wedding, but by the sounds of it it will fizzle out anyway even if you don't actively do anything.

I would imagine if you analyse your friendship, you'll see you're way more proactive and invested.

Isthisexpected · 30/05/2023 05:32

Some weird replies here. It's not just about the bridesmaid stuff it's also she blew you off about the holiday and then in front of you plans a holiday. Rude. If she were a bloke I'd be saying he's just not that into you.

theGooHasGone · 30/05/2023 05:33

This is rough. I see why you're upset and humiliated by the whole thing. It's not at all unreasonable to disengage from her - after all, she's made it clear that she doesn't consider you as good a friend as you do her. It might be easier to cut your losses at this point.

Londonlassy · 30/05/2023 05:48

YANBU. Absolutely ok to be hurt and need to step away from this friendship

EverythingsCominUpMilhouse · 30/05/2023 05:49

I'm so sorry OP 😔 this is really hurtful. I can understand why this has upset you and you're now reconsidering your friendship.

You need to do what feels comfortable for you and to be authentic to yourself. You know you're a good friend, and if she can't see that - then fine, her loss. Don't hang around with people who don't know your worth.

Your feelings don't come second place to hers.

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