To end a friendship over not being made a bridesmaid?

[SillyBilly1993]

I had a lovely wedding a couple of years ago. My best friend of many years was my chief bridesmaid, she was my witness and made a speech too. I paid for her bridesmaids dress, jewellery, for her hair and make up. She did a bit of a pants job of organising my hen party which was stressful as I had to pick up the slack, but over the years she’s been a great friend to me and I’ve always felt really lucky and proud to have her in my life as such a close friend.

My friend got engaged last year and I assumed that she would ask me to be her maid of honour too. But time went by and eventually I got an invitation to her hen party from another friend of hers, which confirmed my fears that I wasn’t going to be asked to be a bridesmaid.

I was incredibly hurt that my friend hadn’t spoken to me to let me down gently, but I didn’t want to confront her because I knew that she had other difficult things going on in her life and because I couldn’t see what good could come of making a fuss.

But it was her hen party over the weekend, and I found it incredibly difficult. It felt humiliating that everyone knew that she had been my chief bridesmaid but I hadn’t been given any role in hers. It was upsetting to see her talking excitedly about plans for the wedding weekend with the bridesmaids. It was jarring to see how amazing and well planned her hen party was - it brought it home how little effort she had put into mine. I’d recently tried to organise a holiday with her but she’d said she didn’t have enough annual leave to spare, but in front of me at the weekend she was organising a holiday with other friends.

I can’t see us moving past this. The friendship wasn’t what I thought it was, and I feel like a fool. It’s made me feel worthless - that someone that I valued so highly would so completely not feel the same way.

I don’t think that anything that she could say would save the friendship now, so I’m intending to reduce contact with her, attend her wedding, and then quietly stop seeing her. AIBU for cutting her off in this way without saying anything because I wasn’t made a bridesmaid, am I taking it too seriously or should I confront her with how I feel first?

I don’t see this as being entitled, I read OP describing how she feels and to me it seems completely understandable. I would feel the same, that doesn’t mean she thinks she’s entitled. Coming to terms with realities not being what you thought they were is hard.

Just another vote for not going to the wedding. Don't put yourself through that if you are planning on cooling the relationship anyway.

Yes same here, best friends since school, did everything together, always said we’d be each others bridesmaids….then she picked someone else from school and I only got a communal invite to the evening along with my mum and brother!!! WTAF!! I was so so so hurt by it I just couldn’t go, cried all day on the wedding day. Then firmly moved on with my life without her.
Side note: the other friend from school had parents who fitted with my friend’s parents aspirations, mine did not. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Such wise words here. So sad she passed away but you don’t try to sugar coat it. Some people are just all take. People pleasers or genuinely kind people get taken for a ride. My SIL was all take now I hardly see her despite being family. I give nothing and notice ( as with other takers ) I don’t see these people because it was a one way street.

I really feel for you OP.
That awful feeling when you just feel like you don't matter.

I remember going to visit my sister who I thought I was close too...
she said I just need to pop round to a neighbours house,come with me.
We got there and I was introduced to Mel,never heard her name mentioned before .
Sister says thought it was time me and OH got married,our two little girls will be bridemaids and Mel will be MOH.
I was gob smacked and felt so upset but obviously had to hide it.

Another friend came to see me and said she was getting married on holiday with just partner and family so she was planning her own hen do with close friends but because she wanted everyone there it would be a day out locally.
Could I babysit her kids on the day .

I don't understand. Your sister said this random Mel person should be your MOH?

Ouch @cleanasawhistle both of these are harsh, I'm so sorry!!
People can be incredibly thoughtless.

She has treated you shabbily. She’s not worth having as a friend any more. You need to move on.

I agree. This is very nasty.

How horrid to say that.

I'd feel the same, OP.

You can't dictate who she has in her wedding party and it doesn't make her awful that she hasn't asked you to be a BM, but I can see why you are hurt. Maybe you have drifted a part between the two weddings though? I was the BM for one of my best friends from college in our mid 20s. We mostly lost touch a few years later when she moved further away. I got married in my late 30s and invited her, but didn't ask her to be a BM. I have very fond memories of her, but had not seen her for over 5 years. She was the only non- relative I invited who I hadn't seen within the 2 years before my wedding, but it never occured to me to ask her to be my BM. I really hope she didn't mind. If I had got married in my 20s she would 100% have been one of my BMs, but it would have seemed odd to ask her when we had lost touch.

Hope you are OK. I think your plan to attend the wedding (if it won't upset you too much) and then just leave the relationship makes sense. She can always contact you if she wants to.

If you don't already know this story has been picked up by the Mirror.

So many messages advocating for unhealthy responses. Just talk to her and tell her how you are feeling and find out how she feels. I can't imagine being close friends with someone and then just backing away without a conversation--its so immature. To be honest OP, if you stopped texting me right before my wedding, internalized your feelings and expected me to just read between the lines, I would end the friendship with you!

I can understand the hurt you feel. I once had a very close friendship, though we both had other circles of friends & friends we had mutually. She decided to get married in Antigua & invited about 12 people including myself and partner (now husband) to go, but we were financially strapped as were not earning a lot and were renting and saving up for a deposit on a house, so had to decline her invitation, knowing at least she was planning a church blessing a few weeks later & a big reception that we could attend. At the reception of the blessing she seated all her ‘close’ friends who went to Antiga at Big table in front of her head table - these were all people we also knew and were friends with. We were placed at a table much further away with random people we didn’t know from Adam. I sucked it up, but was rather saddened that she had ‘rewarded’ those who had the budget to join her in Antiga & left me feeling like a distant acquaintance - I had already said I would have joined her if I had the money, but I think she assumed I just didn’t want to make the effort, and I was hurt that the level of our friendship depended on whether we were going to get financially in debt at a crucial time of our own lives, and eventually came to realise she was a very narcissist, selfish person, and I was better off without her in my life. I didn’t actually cut her off, she moved away, but in 20 years since I haven’t reached out to continue friendship and neither has she. Some friendships just run their course.

A similar thing happened to me and we are now NC and my life is better for it.

She is showing you how little she thinks of you (including not making much effort with your hen do). Listen, believe, begin the process of moving away and going low contact. You'll feel much better about yourself.

This happened to me many years ago. A friend whom I'd known from school and grew up with got married and I wasn't even invited to the evening do and yet people whom she had known less than 6 months went. I stopped bothering there and then! Message received loud and clear.

I get your hurt op its not nice. I would def cool that friendship. I remember doing it for my cousin til my mam told me years later other bridesmaid couldnt do it so I was next on list. I dont know I felt hurt about it but made most of her day. I decided last year I dont want to be used now so I suit myself!!!

Definitely don’t put this friendship on a pedestal. These things happen but I’d still say friends (less hassle) and move on and accept she didn’t feel the same way. Sad all the same.

I would be hurt too OP, you couldn't just expect to be her chief bridesmaid but not to be asked to be a bridesmaid at all seems a bit unkind. Turning you down for a holiday on the basis she has no annual leave, then organising one with other friends and not asking you along was pretty insensitive and would do it for me. You need to relegate this friendship now. I don't think you should worry about what others were thinking about your role, it probably didn't cross their minds, they would be focused on other things.
I would just stay polite, wish her all the best and attend her wedding, and then let the friendship fade away and not contact her anymore.

Get a new best friend as she has.

Don't dwell on it. Go to the wedding, have fun and then slowly reduce the level of friendship.

I think i would msg her and tell her you're disappointed at not being a bridesmaid. But to be honest she's pulled away from you already and has a new group of friends so she might not care. Either way I wouldn't go to the wedding as you'll just feel upset seeing other people as bridesmaids.

Since the hen do was four months ago, I think the wedding will have taken place months ago.

You need to either end the friendship as you suggest, or adjust your expectations. Clearly you want more than she is offering to you. If you don't feel you can be happy with her offer, and will feel miserable and pushed out, then you're better off out of it. However if you are able to downgrade her to the more casual friend she has made herself and enjoy her company on this level, then carry on.
Whatever you do, try to avoid linking it to the BM thing as she will become defensive and make you out to be petty and childish to other people.

Seeing as this happened in May I’m not sure OP is still seeking advice…