To end a friendship over not being made a bridesmaid?

[SillyBilly1993]

I had a lovely wedding a couple of years ago. My best friend of many years was my chief bridesmaid, she was my witness and made a speech too. I paid for her bridesmaids dress, jewellery, for her hair and make up. She did a bit of a pants job of organising my hen party which was stressful as I had to pick up the slack, but over the years she’s been a great friend to me and I’ve always felt really lucky and proud to have her in my life as such a close friend.

My friend got engaged last year and I assumed that she would ask me to be her maid of honour too. But time went by and eventually I got an invitation to her hen party from another friend of hers, which confirmed my fears that I wasn’t going to be asked to be a bridesmaid.

I was incredibly hurt that my friend hadn’t spoken to me to let me down gently, but I didn’t want to confront her because I knew that she had other difficult things going on in her life and because I couldn’t see what good could come of making a fuss.

But it was her hen party over the weekend, and I found it incredibly difficult. It felt humiliating that everyone knew that she had been my chief bridesmaid but I hadn’t been given any role in hers. It was upsetting to see her talking excitedly about plans for the wedding weekend with the bridesmaids. It was jarring to see how amazing and well planned her hen party was - it brought it home how little effort she had put into mine. I’d recently tried to organise a holiday with her but she’d said she didn’t have enough annual leave to spare, but in front of me at the weekend she was organising a holiday with other friends.

I can’t see us moving past this. The friendship wasn’t what I thought it was, and I feel like a fool. It’s made me feel worthless - that someone that I valued so highly would so completely not feel the same way.

I don’t think that anything that she could say would save the friendship now, so I’m intending to reduce contact with her, attend her wedding, and then quietly stop seeing her. AIBU for cutting her off in this way without saying anything because I wasn’t made a bridesmaid, am I taking it too seriously or should I confront her with how I feel first?

It is hurtful and embarrassing (internally) to find that someone you thought was your closest friend just views you as one of a crowd. I wouldn't say anything to her. As an earlier poster typed, recalibrate the friendship to a lower level, go to the wedding as a guest and start cultivating other friends more afterwards, without cutting her off.

This. I absolutely hate the term best friends. I have lots of friends but l know , in reality, l am not any of their best friends but l couldn't care less. We get on brilliantly and l am very happy for them to have their other friends. I see my dd is the same. She has a fantastic bunch of friends in her 20s . She has been bridesmaid twice. If she was getting married soon she possibly would pick an other friend to be bridesmaid but that would in no way reflect on her feelings towards those friends. The only thing that might have changed is them being married makes them less available so she has spent more time with the other unmarried ones and got closer in recent times.
In this situation l would just accept that things have moved on, enjoy the wedding and keep the friendship, but not rely on it.
And forget the talk about BEST FRIENDS!!!

If you like her as much as you say you do, why on earth would you end the friendship over what is essential one party?

Similar thing happened to me, a good friend of mine was a bridesmaid at my wedding then around 5 years later she got married and I didn’t get asked, although she was living a very long way away and I had small children at the time. The logistics would have been difficult but I did feel hurt that I wasn’t asked. A few mutual friends did say that she should have asked me which made me feel embarrassed. Long time ago now, she’s divorced and we are still good friends. Weddings are a minefield!

Very good point although I suspect Kate was well aware of this. This could be it OP, may be it’s worth thinking of it this way or asking if you feel you can.

I agree.

I don't get why people would seriously not go to a wedding simply because they were not asked to be bridesmaid/maid of honour.

Weddings are very stressful - lots of people to attempt to keep happy. Don't add to the brides stress.

OP I would feel like you, and I am really NOT needy in the least.

There's some nasty old vipers on here 'needy' 'entitled' 'get over yourself' all that old vitriol you normally get with threads like this.

You clearly aren't her best friend, so I would nestle yourself somewhere you feel comfortable, or you pull away, gradually if that suits you.

I personally don't do best friends, been there and done that, I don't want to be one or have one, I'm fine being just friends thank you!

I hope you feel better OP, it ducks for sure

Don't lose your friendship over this. She is still your friend and she is clearly very important to you. You have just realised she has other important people in her life as well. You need to take some time to process and understand this. This happens to lots of people.

Maybe you should think about the other people in your life and your other friendships and focus on them a little bit more for a while.

I also agree the term best friend isn’t so suitable for adult friendships. Close friends is a healthier way of terming it. Maybe if someone has been best friends since the age of five right through adulthood it’s used but any friendships formed as an adult are better off being close not best.

This.

I am my best friend’s best friend. I would be incredibly hurt in your situation. It’s a very clear message and I wouldn’t go to the wedding either.

I think your plan to back away quietly and with dignity is spot on OP. No need to make a fuss but, as you say, the friendship is not what you thought it was. It happens 🤷‍♀️. You have other good friends.

Totally normal to feel hurt. I wouldn't fall out with her about it, because she is entitled to choose whoever she wants as bridesmaids, and I would certainly go to the wedding. But I would re-evaluate the friendship and focus more on other friendships going forward.

In my opinion there is only one person that needs to like you 'best' and that's your partner. I think it would be cutting off your nose to spite your face because someone that you see as your best friend, sees you as a very good friend but not best friend. Although I can see that its hurtful to have invited someone to be bridesmaid and it not be reciprocated, it's not in my opinion worth ending an entire friendship over.

However it does seem as though she is pulling away from you for example telling you she doesn't have enough leave to organise a holiday, then organising a holiday in front of you, is worse in my view as its lying to you then not seeming to care that she rubs your face in it. It may be that you used to be best friends but now drifted apart and its mostly history keeping you together.

I wouldn't cut her out, I'd go to the wedding otherwise it will all become about your behaviour over her wedding and not anything else that's gone on. But I would quietly step back, let her contact me first and see how much effort she wanted to put in to continue the friendship

Agree with other PP who say that she doesn’t view the friendship like you do I’m afraid and probably made a pig’s ear of the hen because of that.
i would just ‘downgrade’ the friendship from bf to regular f to match - I wouldn’t blow out the hen or wedding as that really is childish.
im sure I’ve liked friends more than they’ve liked me over the years - it happens like that sometimes - but not to this extent.
I’ve been married over 20 years, some wedding attendees I don’t speak to any more, some friends I’ve made since then so things do change too.

This is very true. I’ve said yanbu. But I wouldn’t drop her. I’d see if she came to you after the wedding. She should at least be thanking you for the gift you’ll be giving them. @

This^^

I've been through similar with someone who was my closest friend all through uni. I think in hindsight there was a bit of hero worship involved from my side as I was just really impressed by her.

I had to have a word with myself as I grew up a bit. I was definitely putting the whole thing on pedestal as the first poster said on here.

I'm sorry that you've found out that your friend doesn't prioritise you the same way you do her. It always hurts to find out you're more emotionally invested than someone else. I do think she should have told you about her choice of bridesmaids ahead of the hen, it was either thoughtless or cowardly not to.

I would still go to the wedding and try and have a good time. It's a far bigger snub to not attend the wedding than to not be chosen as bridesmaid, friendships ebb and flow and if you want to be closer in the future not going might end the friendship entirely.

I wouldn't bring it up with her before the wedding, she has a lot going on and telling her you're upset might cast a bit of a pall over the day. I would step back and see whether you want to be friends going forward or want things to fizzle out.

My instinct is that you are both young and life hasn’t really touched you yet. Once you start having families of your own you’ll be amazed how things like this pale into insignificance. So my advice is don’t act rash. Just go to the wedding and let her reach out to you in terms of friendship. Please don’t write some Dear John letter expressing your pain as you’ll definitely regret that down the line.

YANBU. Poor you. This is so hurtful. The fact that she didn't have the courage or kindness to talk to you privately and explain would be a dealbreaker for me. I wouldn't make a drama but would extricate myself from the friendship.

I understand why you feel hurt.

Having said that, friendships can be very fluid things and mean different things to different people. She may be the most important friend in your life, but she has lots of other friends who she is close to. There’s nothing wrong with either approach, but you can’t expect someone to take the same approach as you to these things. It’s not ‘wrong’ for her not to see you as a a ‘best friend’ even if you see her that way. It isn’t a quid pro quo contractual arrangement.

It seems a shame to end the friendship just for the sake of a wedding (which everyone will have forgotten about a few weeks after the event). Allow yourself a day or so to be hurt, then move on and try and be happy for her.

I don’t think yabu. I do think some people on here like putting the boot in when someone is already feeling rubbish. Try to ignore them.
It is hurtful to realise that some friends don’t value you in the same way you value them. I once told a friend I considered her like a sister and she got the hump! Saying she had sisters and didn’t think it was right that I was trying to compare to them. Fair enough, it still felt crap. I understand why you feel upset. Can you accept the place you hold in her life ? If not you might need to let this friendship fade away.

I sympathise OP.

I have several very close friends, whose friendships I really cherish but my 'best friend' and I are clearly drifting apart.

It all came to a head over our joint 50th party which she did fuck all to help organise and made me realise just how flaky she has been since I had my first DC over 14 years ago.

The scales have fallen from my eyes and while it has been hurtful I'm at a stage in my life where I'm past caring.

Realise your worth OP.

That's harsh and unkind

Wow @DreamTheMoors THAT is actual drama! And horrible friends!

/I think it's just that things/the friendship/you as people have probably changed in the time since your own wedding. If you'd got married in the same month then perhaps you'd have both automatically been one another's maids of honour, but things ebb and flow, new people come onto the scene, life happens. It's a lovely idea to think you'll decide you're best friends once and then it'll always be that way, but that just isn't the case usually. Life happens, people change. It can be very, very hurtful and sad. I've had a best friend of nearly twenty years evaporate to nothing, a best friend of the same length of time hang on by a thread then rejuvenate, and other best friends where we've been consistently amazing together for many years. You can't always predict what will happen!

I do think if this person means a lot to you it's worth a final conversation though. I had a similar thing happen where I wasn't included in the wedding of one of my best friends but two other people were (we'd previously been a trio then a quad and then I'd drifted from two of them and those two were included if that makes sense). It was extremely painful and played on my mind for weeks, especially at the hen where a person casually mentioned their reading and I'd had no idea about that and realised I was the only one of them not to be included.

These things can be very painful but they happen. I'm usually a fan though of talking it over if the friendship meant a lot. Maybe it'll end in your not being friends anymore or maybe there'll be some reasons under the surface you just don't know anything about. But I think you'll always regret not having the conversation. When it happened to me we did talk and it was extremely healing, the bride apologised even though she didn't really need to and explained her thinking and why she'd chosen what she had and how sorry she was that it had hurt me. I apologised too for needing to raise it and not just letting it go and for bringing stress to her day, it was much better than it eating away and then resulting in the loss of a 25yr friendship. And we're stronger for it now, though I've definitely learned some lessons myself.