To end a friendship over not being made a bridesmaid?

[SillyBilly1993]

I had a lovely wedding a couple of years ago. My best friend of many years was my chief bridesmaid, she was my witness and made a speech too. I paid for her bridesmaids dress, jewellery, for her hair and make up. She did a bit of a pants job of organising my hen party which was stressful as I had to pick up the slack, but over the years she’s been a great friend to me and I’ve always felt really lucky and proud to have her in my life as such a close friend.

My friend got engaged last year and I assumed that she would ask me to be her maid of honour too. But time went by and eventually I got an invitation to her hen party from another friend of hers, which confirmed my fears that I wasn’t going to be asked to be a bridesmaid.

I was incredibly hurt that my friend hadn’t spoken to me to let me down gently, but I didn’t want to confront her because I knew that she had other difficult things going on in her life and because I couldn’t see what good could come of making a fuss.

But it was her hen party over the weekend, and I found it incredibly difficult. It felt humiliating that everyone knew that she had been my chief bridesmaid but I hadn’t been given any role in hers. It was upsetting to see her talking excitedly about plans for the wedding weekend with the bridesmaids. It was jarring to see how amazing and well planned her hen party was - it brought it home how little effort she had put into mine. I’d recently tried to organise a holiday with her but she’d said she didn’t have enough annual leave to spare, but in front of me at the weekend she was organising a holiday with other friends.

I can’t see us moving past this. The friendship wasn’t what I thought it was, and I feel like a fool. It’s made me feel worthless - that someone that I valued so highly would so completely not feel the same way.

I don’t think that anything that she could say would save the friendship now, so I’m intending to reduce contact with her, attend her wedding, and then quietly stop seeing her. AIBU for cutting her off in this way without saying anything because I wasn’t made a bridesmaid, am I taking it too seriously or should I confront her with how I feel first?

Go to the wedding if you want then let her slip away after that. I wouldn't even go to the wedding tbh but that's me.
If you are still as close as you were when she was your bridesmaid I'd be silently fuming

I would probably just demote the friendship to the same level she has placed it at to balance it out. See her less, talk to her less etc. I don't think I would cut a friend out for having closer friends though.

Surely we've all that that experience of not being bridesmaid / godparent etc?

Yes, it gives a message that perhaps you're not as close as you thought. Yes, that stings. Yes, it's upsetting

But IRL, I don't think it's wise to cut off a friendship completely. Better to recalibrate the friendship for what it is, and stay friends (albeit with slightly lower expectations)

I don't think you're upset just because you're not s bridesmaid, you're upset because she's not such a great mate afterall.

Do what you plan, it's not unreasonable to turn relationships down. But you def should speak to her. If you do this before the wedding you won't even need to go to that.

Well, you now only need to spend 10% of what you WOULD have spent on the prezzie!
And go to the wedding in a transparent white dress.

I can understand why you are hurt by this. I think some people are enormously loyal with friendships and care deeply, others enjoy their friendships but will spread themselves thinner to follow the fun and convenience at that particular time of their life.
I would have to talk to her about how it made you feel, but not until after the wedding. Let her enjoy that without awkwardness (even though she’s oblivious of yours!). Explain that you were surprised not to be a bridesmaid or part of the wedding, explain that you viewed her as a best friend and this has highlighted that she doesn’t feel the same, which has hurt you. Acknowledge that you can’t change how she feels about your friendship but it would have been kinder to talk to you about the bridesmaid situation rather than just receive a standard invite along with all her other mates, seeing as she was such a pivotal part of your wedding day. I think she owed you that care but she doesn’t necessarily owe you a return of bridesmaid honours, as upsetting as that is for you.
invest in other friends who can empathise with your feelings and know you well enough to be more sensitive.

First bunch of responses are so harsh, OP acknowledges in her post the friendship isn’t what she though it was.

I think you’re right to gently pull back OP, and I understand you feel hurt. I don’t think you need to end the friendship but maybe just let it drift.

Friendships ebb and flow so I’d say just leave as is. I’ve hardly got any close friends more acquaintances and work colleagues so be grateful you had a good friend at that time to be maid of honour. It’s her choice who she chooses to be hers and by the sounds of it, the friendship had cooled anyway. You can’t expect anything from anybody.

I agree. You can't punish someone for making better friends later in life with other people, it's really a natural part of life (to meet other people). I do understand why you are hurt though. I think just give it a bit of perspective.

I haven't had the same experience, but I totally understand how you feel. Make sure you keep your dignity, dont let her know how you feel. I would go to the wedding but then be in contact much less. I wouldn't confront her or say anything, I would just be in touch less and concentrate on making other plans.

Oh get over it being so entitled. This is her wedding not yours, stop making it all about you.

This is a prime example of the nastiness so prevelant on MN. Someone posts about something that they clearly are hurt and upset about but normal human emotions relating to hurt, rejection and insecurity are now apparently "entitlement".

I still haven't worked out why someone would feel the need to be so nasty to a random stranger though.

Yabu and sound very needy. Enjoy the wedding without being in the main party. I bet no one at the hen party even gave it a second thought why you not moh. Just be happy for her like a friend not bitter. Friendships change over time.....enjoy the changes and all the new friends you make over the time....

Ah OP, I hope you’re OK.

This is definitely not the place to come when you’re upset and hurting. It can be a place of great support, but equally, coming on here can end up making you feel so much worse about a situation. There really are some bitter, miserable awful people on MN. Not quite sure what went so wrong in their lives.

You haven’t done anything wrong, and you’re not wrong to feel the way you do.

The thing about best friends is that it needs to be mutual (or at least acknowledged there’s an imbalance). If your best friend doesn’t view you as her best friend then that is when these kind of issues happen. I agree that it seems odd and not very nice that you’ve not been included at all in the wedding party but maybe you need to take an honest view of what the balance of friendship has been over the years. If there has been no significant imbalance then maybe ask her why ( you could ask after the event if you’d prefer not to have an atmosphere before the wedding). I’d decide where the friendship status is after I knew why.

I feel for you, she obviously doesn’t view your friendship the same way you do and while that’s fine and she’s done nothing wrong, it’s hurtful for you and you feel a bit foolish.

I would downgrade the friendship also, as you suggest, but maybe not cut her off entirely.

Totally agree.

Enjoy the changes? Enjoy the demoting of your friendship? That’s quite an odd way of seeing things. I think, providing the friendship was not all in OP’s head she has every right to feel hurt.

It sounds like the friendship means very different things to each of you. It also sounds like you will find attending the wedding difficult, I'd be considering not even going.

If you're going to end the friendship you may want to ask friend if something has happened as you thought you were closer than she seems to treat it as. I guess depending on whether you want closure or just want out of it.

I can't believe that adult women carry on like this.

If you like someone, you'll be happy for them and be interested in their lives and what they're doing.

"Best friends" are best left in Year 3.

@londonrach how is the op being needy by feeling hurt that the friendship wasn't what she thought it was. That isn't needy. That is coming to a realisation and it hurts. She probably considered the friendship to be fine before this.
What a poor comment

Yep I've been there. My bridesmaid was my cousin and we were best friends from a very young age but things admittedly fizzled out by the time her wedding came around. She had the other 2 girls of our little friendship group and I was really really upset about it. I felt completely rejected and embarrassed. It probably wasn't my finest moment and I can see 6 years on why and that it was her wedding and nothing to do with me. I didn't speak to her about it and went to the hen and was very polite and she would not have known at all I was upset but I did not go to the wedding. I made an excuse about work.

We weren't close for many years but thankfully now I live close we are very close again. We have never spoken about it. I'm glad I never went tbh, I wasn't in the space to be able to process how sad I was about it so publicly.

I paid for her bridesmaids dress, jewellery, for her hair and make up.
If you want a bridesmaid to wear a certain dress then this is normal.

She did a bit of a pants job of organising my hen party which was stressful as I had to pick up the slack ... It was jarring to see how amazing and well planned her hen party was
Well, either someone else organised hers, and was better at it than her (what's that got to do with your wedding?), or she organised it herself, reflecting the fact that she does not expect a bridesmaid to organise a hen party.

I didn’t want to confront her because I knew that she had other difficult things going on in her life and because I couldn’t see what good could come of making a fuss.
This was very sensible of you, and a good attitude. It's a shame you have changed your mind now.

I’d recently tried to organise a holiday with her but she’d said she didn’t have enough annual leave to spare, but in front of me at the weekend she was organising a holiday with other friends.
I should think her annual leave has gone towards her own honeymoon? Maybe try to organise a holiday with her in a year that she's not extremely busy.

I think there is a clue in the fact your friend made a ‘pants job’ of organising your hen party, then clearly showed that it was not due to lack of organisational skills when it came to her own. That leaves a bad taste for you and leaves you wondering what that event meant to her, especially in light of her recent actions. If you look back at your own wedding, hen do, what do you see? It could be a person placing less importance on being invited to organise things and be an honoured bridesmaid than you did. That could be for many reasons ie not necessarily that she doesn’t value the friendship, but I think etiquette would demand a conversation with you as to why she felt unable to return the invitation when it came to her own wedding plans. What’s the tone of the friendship outside wedding plans? Do you otherwise feel important and cared for or do you feel sidelined or called on when it’s convenient? I’d find a time in private to tell her that it meant a lot to have her as your chief bridesmaid and you feel sad you are not able to do that for her. You will need to make it clear you are not asking her to change her plans, but just wanting to understand her reasons, and you’d need to be prepared to own all the feelings, so how you felt when, rather than ‘you made me feel’. She may have reasons of which you are unaware, and she may not realise it means a lot to you.

Some people seem to live in an emotion free vacuum. Normal human emotions are seen as needy and entitled. Feeling rejected by your best friend requires you to get over yourself. I mean who are these people in real life? I get the impression they don’t have friends themselves or any type of relationships that require connection to other humans. Some very nasty people on MN that’s for sure.

Not sure why you're feeling hurt TBH ... If you like spending time with this person, carry on, and if you don't, don't?