To end a friendship over not being made a bridesmaid?

[SillyBilly1993]

I had a lovely wedding a couple of years ago. My best friend of many years was my chief bridesmaid, she was my witness and made a speech too. I paid for her bridesmaids dress, jewellery, for her hair and make up. She did a bit of a pants job of organising my hen party which was stressful as I had to pick up the slack, but over the years she’s been a great friend to me and I’ve always felt really lucky and proud to have her in my life as such a close friend.

My friend got engaged last year and I assumed that she would ask me to be her maid of honour too. But time went by and eventually I got an invitation to her hen party from another friend of hers, which confirmed my fears that I wasn’t going to be asked to be a bridesmaid.

I was incredibly hurt that my friend hadn’t spoken to me to let me down gently, but I didn’t want to confront her because I knew that she had other difficult things going on in her life and because I couldn’t see what good could come of making a fuss.

But it was her hen party over the weekend, and I found it incredibly difficult. It felt humiliating that everyone knew that she had been my chief bridesmaid but I hadn’t been given any role in hers. It was upsetting to see her talking excitedly about plans for the wedding weekend with the bridesmaids. It was jarring to see how amazing and well planned her hen party was - it brought it home how little effort she had put into mine. I’d recently tried to organise a holiday with her but she’d said she didn’t have enough annual leave to spare, but in front of me at the weekend she was organising a holiday with other friends.

I can’t see us moving past this. The friendship wasn’t what I thought it was, and I feel like a fool. It’s made me feel worthless - that someone that I valued so highly would so completely not feel the same way.

I don’t think that anything that she could say would save the friendship now, so I’m intending to reduce contact with her, attend her wedding, and then quietly stop seeing her. AIBU for cutting her off in this way without saying anything because I wasn’t made a bridesmaid, am I taking it too seriously or should I confront her with how I feel first?

This is a good idea. Don’t ‘invest’ in the day but don’t burn your bridges with the friendship (just yet at least). Observe how the friendship is going after the wedding and you can probably make a better judgement call on it then.

Whilst I agree that it’s hurtful to realise that perhaps your friend doesn’t value your friendship as highly as you clearly do, I don’t think it’s a reason to end the friendship. Accept that she may be in the same situation as you described yourself in one of your earlier posts - having several close friends, any one of which she could ask, and let it go. Not worth losing a friendship over.

Maybe you need to talk to her. Maybe she feels the friendship has changed over the last few years. You can still be friends but maybe not best friends. She should have explained to you. Maybe that’s why you are hurting.

Might there be other reasons she’s picked the other ones - sisters, SIL etc?

Nothing you’ve said indicates to me she doesn’t think of you as a friend, although probably less close than a few years ago.

You feel how you feel, and I probably would be a bit put out in your shoes, but I would suggest being more grown up about this. If this hasn’t happened would you think anything was wrong with your relationship? If not, you can assume she’s still a friend. The next time you are out for coffee or whatever you can raise if you want - without making it a big deal.

''Proud'' is an odd thing to say of a friendship..
I have said I'm ''Lucky'' to have certain friends- eg, that that one feels completely at ease with them, but 'Proud' does seem that a friend is looked up to- rather than being 'equals' or complimentary.

But I can understand @SillyBilly1993 feeling hurt.

@SillyBilly1993 I was part of a group of three which is never a good number...I found out that two of them were going to a specific event- It absolutely upset me, which was so out of the blue- It took me right back to being a child again, the feeling of 'rejection'

One of them 'phoned as I was feeling 'Lump in throat~ish' and I'm afraid to say I broke down in sobs.

To my surprise, the person was very understanding- and it was talked about and the three of us still go out together.

But the feeling of emotional pain was very real. It hit completely out of the blue.

Knock over the pedestal you have put her on. She's not your greatest friend. She considers you a friend of sorts but not the same value you gave her.

Move on.

She was MOH (chief bridesmaid)

I'd be very hurt too, OP.

My understanding is that bridesmaids are the unmarried female friends/ family. I wouldn't expect to be a bridesmaid as a married woman. Even with a very close friend I wouldn't necessarily expect to be maid of honour as there might be a sister or cousin that is considered closer.

I wouldn't cut her off completely if she's otherwise a good friend because it sounds like an example of cutting your nose off to spite your face.

But if you see this as a watershed moment of realisation that she sees your friendship in a different way to you then it's absolutely fine to reassess on that basis and almost recategorise her in a lower friendship level.

e.g if you would have bought an am expensive wedding present for a best friend but spent less on just a normal friend, if you'd do a favour for a really close friend but wouldn't for just an acquaintance, how often you'd make time to see her and prioritise her over other friends, etc.

Agree with this…what a lovely message! Gosh some of these replies are upsetting to me that people can be so nasty! Don’t take them to heart OP.

The “stop making it all about you” thing is classic gaslighting.

I wouldn't even attend the wedding, to be honest.

She's made herself very clear. Book a holiday a little break away and go do something with people who love you.

Just tell her something's come up and you can't make it then put her on temporary block. You are not a priority for her so why do you need to attend? The day is going to make you feel even more shit than the hen do. Why bother?

Yeah - I know exactly how you feel - same thing happened to me. I am still good friends with the bride.

Some of it was because I am not as close to her other close friends and we're not that geographically close. She ended up in a wedding bubble with the people who were geographically closest to her that I don't know so well. She asked one of our joint closest friends to give a reading, and that hurt me too - that someone from 'our' group was given a role - but I realised she had asked the friend who was an actor to perform a poem that she had written and I would have been shit at that. She assigned a role based on skills rather than strength of friendship.

Our friendship is still strong and we talk to each other about lots of things, it's just that I know she has other close friends who are not part of my world. And looking at my life, so do I. I am not likely to be married again, but next time I'd probably choose one of my newer friends as they are close to me in my everyday life - not a past life where we only meet up every two/three months for an evening or theatre trip

Try not to let it upset you too much. Don't cancel your friendship and have a look back after the wedding and you may see why the bride chose who she did.

She's playing games and enjoying the power of her getting to make all of the choices.

A true friend would not make you feel like this, OP. She is entitled to pick whoever she chooses but the way she's gone about it is nasty.

Move on.

Yes, surely it's just this. No bridesmaids in our family have ever been married.

I am quite astounded that anybody would remain friends with somebody who has clearly shown you are no priority to them
I would rather have no friends than hang on to the dregs of a friendship which clearly is not one

I think this is pretty outdated now.

My two bridesmaids were both unmarried but I was just the first of our group of friends to get married. I'd still have asked the same two friends if either of them had been married, and I was a bridesmaid to one of them the following year.

I mean this gently, but do you actually have friends, like real ones you socialise with, can call for a chat etc,? It’s just such an extremely sensitive reacrion to end such a long friendship just as you’re not a bridesmaid,

Actually, my mum and I were both bridesmaids for my auntie in 1989 and my mum had been married for 8 years by then.

I don’t think this is about “not being made a bridesmaid”. It’s about a power imbalance where you regard her as your best friend but she clearly doesn’t feel the same about you. Not being a bridesmaid isn’t a problem - it’s all of the other stuff.

Not only did she not ask you to be “the bridesmaid”, you aren’t even one of a number of bridesmaids and you have no role in her wedding at all. Which signifies you’re nowhere near the top of her list of priorities. This is echoed in the fact that she can’t make time for a holiday with you but is able to make time for a holiday with others. Again you’re nowhere near the top of the list. Now you’re aware of this you can probably think of other examples of where she’s pushing you aside and deprioritising you.

Honestly I would take a step back and let this friendship go. You’re not her best friend. You’re not even in her top three.

^ this.

there just sounds something a bit off about it, even if in theory she can choose who she wants. She may not see you as chief bridesmaid, fair enough, but not to include you at all? There’s something “off” there. Emotional power games “I’m all that” even.

I’m inclined to say the same. The wedding is going to be upsetting for you, why put yourself through it? Tell her something has come up - I doubt if she’ll even ask what it is. Don’t embarrass yourself any further, just step out with your dignity intact.

Yabu

I am really surprised at all these people saying that the friendship is over.

People can have more than one close friend - being MoH is not a right just because you asked that person. It also doesn't mean they don't value you as a friend. It may mean that they don't view as close a friend as you viewed them - but why does that mean you have to stop being friends.

The balance may have shifted but doesn't mean you can't still be friends.

Perhaps it is because I am now over 50 and have seen friendships come, go and rekindle. Things change as people change and lives change and circumstances do - like it is easier to keep in touch with the Mum friends when you have kids, but as I have got older, see more of my old school friends. I used to have friends based around kids being similar ages, but now have friendships based around combined interests. Some people straddle more than one group, some have slipped away... it's life.

No one has a 'right; to a friendship with anyone and no one should feel pressured to be friends with someone.

OK you are upset because you wanted to be MOH, - but she chose someone else - who knows why, could be all sorts of reasons, but doesn't mean she still care about you, she just chose someone else. This MoH might have a sister who runs a bridal wear shop and got her a discount, or they get on really well and chat more than you two do, or her DH may be friends with the fiancé and is best man or they are all in a group together who see other all the time, or her mum has just died and she wanted to cheer her up or she is just really good at organising things or is rich and will pay for stuff or or or or or ... it really may not be a reflection on you at all.

People really worry about this stuff? I've never been a bridesmaid for anyone. I have very good female friends that I've known for over 40 years, & one of them was my "best woman" and witness - should I have dumped them because they didn't ask me to wear a frilly frock? No, and thank goodness I didn't because (aside from my husband) they are the most important relationships in my life. Time to think about what really matters, OP.

Some people have more good friends than others. I've been bridesmaid quite a few times, but wouldn't be able to have all these women as bridesmaids at my wedding as there would be too many.

It doesn't mean that she's not your friend, it just means that she has other friends that she feels closer to.