To end a friendship over not being made a bridesmaid?

[SillyBilly1993]

I had a lovely wedding a couple of years ago. My best friend of many years was my chief bridesmaid, she was my witness and made a speech too. I paid for her bridesmaids dress, jewellery, for her hair and make up. She did a bit of a pants job of organising my hen party which was stressful as I had to pick up the slack, but over the years she’s been a great friend to me and I’ve always felt really lucky and proud to have her in my life as such a close friend.

My friend got engaged last year and I assumed that she would ask me to be her maid of honour too. But time went by and eventually I got an invitation to her hen party from another friend of hers, which confirmed my fears that I wasn’t going to be asked to be a bridesmaid.

I was incredibly hurt that my friend hadn’t spoken to me to let me down gently, but I didn’t want to confront her because I knew that she had other difficult things going on in her life and because I couldn’t see what good could come of making a fuss.

But it was her hen party over the weekend, and I found it incredibly difficult. It felt humiliating that everyone knew that she had been my chief bridesmaid but I hadn’t been given any role in hers. It was upsetting to see her talking excitedly about plans for the wedding weekend with the bridesmaids. It was jarring to see how amazing and well planned her hen party was - it brought it home how little effort she had put into mine. I’d recently tried to organise a holiday with her but she’d said she didn’t have enough annual leave to spare, but in front of me at the weekend she was organising a holiday with other friends.

I can’t see us moving past this. The friendship wasn’t what I thought it was, and I feel like a fool. It’s made me feel worthless - that someone that I valued so highly would so completely not feel the same way.

I don’t think that anything that she could say would save the friendship now, so I’m intending to reduce contact with her, attend her wedding, and then quietly stop seeing her. AIBU for cutting her off in this way without saying anything because I wasn’t made a bridesmaid, am I taking it too seriously or should I confront her with how I feel first?

It doesn't mean that she's not your friend, it just means that she has other friends that she feels closer to
If your best friend has other friends that she feels closer to, she’s not your best friend. In those circumstances it’s reasonable to take a step back and stop treating her as your best friend, because she isn’t. Never invest more into someone than they’re investing into you.

I totally understand where you are coming from, i don't think you're over reacting

I recommend reading/listening to 'Friendaholic' by Elizabeth Day, it covers this kind of friendship wierdness so well and was helpful to me when i was going through something similar

This is a tough one. You’re not being unreasonable to be hurt. It’s totally understandable. I can imagine it must of been hard to be at her hen do feeling left out of the bridal party chit chat.

See for me personally, I chose my maid of honour knowing that she probably wouldn’t choose me to be hers. At the time she was one of the closest to me but I know she has other closer friends than me so I know when she gets married that I will not be maid of honour and maybe not even bridesmaid depending on her budget or numbers. I was fine with this.

It is hard to swallow but someone you might see as a best friend might not see you as one of theirs. Just like someone else might think of you as a best friend when you don’t see them as one. I think this is totally normal.

We had a smaller wedding but I didn’t invite people just because they invited me to their wedding. Just like I wouldn’t expect to be invited to others weddings just because they came to ours.

So I think YANBU for being a bit hurt but YABU for wanting to cut her off for this. She still values you as a friend, she clearly wanted you to go to her hen do.

OP, I’m so sorry 😢 this has actually happened to me 3 times and it hurt like hell every time.
First my best friend of 20 years did it to me and I was gobsmacked and incredibly hurt not to mention completely baffled. I didn’t attend her wedding. I slowly pulled away and ended our friendship without ever asking her why. It took about a year before she understood that I didn’t want to be friends anymore. I still love her very much but it did irreparable damage and for my own self esteem, I had to let her go.
Then, my 2 sisters did it to me. They also shocked me because I basically raised them whilst Dad was gone and Mum cared more about being with her friends than she did for us.
I protected them, fed them, drove them everywhere-I would do anything for them.
We were a tight sibling unit. They both asked my brother to be groomsman and excluded me completely. I later found out that my sisters were jealous of me which you could have knocked me down with a feather! They felt I was a competitor which hurt so much because I am their big sister not some love rival!
Both their marriages are on the rocks and they are in couples counseling with their husbands. My best friend (ex bf) is also separated from her husband who was controlling and abusive to her. You think you know someone, they are solid, dependable, they would never hurt you and then they get engaged and the mask completely slips and you find out who they really are. I am so sorry this happened to you, you have every right to be shocked and upset and you deserve a better friend than her. I also suspect some of these nasty commenters attacking you is because it’s hit a nerve for them. Perhaps they were the ‘brides’ who behaved badly and excluded people they shouldn’t have and they regret it now and are projecting onto you. 🤷🏻‍♀️

What has the bride-to-be done that is supposedly so bad?

I do not understand.

I’ve been maid of honour, I have not been maid of honour, I felt nothing in all cases.

If op curs her off/doesn’t go, I’d say it’s her who never was an actual friend.
Three year old’s are more mature than op/most of the comments here.
I thought people were trolling, but now there’s too many of you….

She hasn’t done anything “bad” per se. She’s just made it clear that she doesn’t think of OP as her best friend. Or even her second, third or fourth best friend. In which case it makes sense for OP to take a step back and stop treating the bride as her best friend - because she isn’t.

It's one thing to find you value a friend more than she values you: this is hurtful but it happens and it's possible to adjust expectations and friendships accordingly and without necessarily ending the friendship. But discussing holiday plans in front of someone excluded from those plans is very pointed. At best it's tactless; at worst cruel. There's something pretty reminiscent of 'Muriel's Wedding' about this kind of behaviour.

As to whether or not it's still advisable to attend the wedding, I have no real opinion. I'm I'll-advised to judge as I obviously don't set the same store by weddings as the majority of MN (I find them tedious, overblown, too-often divisive, and a general pain in the arse, the extend to which DH and I eloped and washed our hands of the whole irritating business).

But in this situation I'd take a broad, not-so-subtle hint and gracefully step back.

Sorry you're hurt OP, I know it sucks 💐

I think some people just avoid ANY conversation if they feel it might be confrontational.

I'm not so sure about that. I have a lower tolerance for BS as I get older - especially the kind of petty BS that's the subject of this thread - but I choose my battles.

If you plan a confrontation, even a mild one but in a situation where the other person is likely to become defensive, it's useful to ask yourself what you stand to gain. Confrontation is worth having only if some desirable outcome is possible as a result end.

If not - and this probably applies is most cases - it's a waste of wind and hot air. I'd suggest this is one of those situations. The yardstick for judgement isn't necessarily what people say, it's what they do.

If the motivation is 'well, it will make me feel better', it likely won't. In this particular situation I can all-but guarantee Bride won't have anything to say that OP cares to hear. Her actions have already told her everything she needs to know.

Sometimes, in the interests of our own dignity and well-being, the better part of valour is discretion. It's also worth bearing in mind that silence is itself a response.

Sorry, that was meant to say 'end result'.

I think that's a little unfair on the bride - from the OP it sounded like it came up in conversation during the hen do and OP realised the bride was actually going away with her group of friends. Not "let's make plans for a holiday that excludes the OP right in front of her," or anything so exclusionary.

OP was upset because she wanted to go away with the bride. Bride said she didn't have enough annual leave, presumably because she intended to go away with other friends.

It hurts when you realise the friendship has faded on one person's part. That doesn't mean she doesn't like or value you, OP! Just that she also has other friends, interests, workmates etc who fit in with her life a little more easily than a friend from school or uni days at the moment.

Don't bin a long friendship over this, just pull back a bit.

3 of my 4 bridesmaids did not ask me to be theirs.

Unlike OP I was actually rather relieved. Went to the weddings, wore fabulously non-prescriptive outfits, had a marvellous time with none of the dramas.

Leaving you out of the Hen invite is rather low, but again no dramas so that's a bonus.

I don’t think i would end a friendship; i do think, however, that your feelings are valid and went through something somewhat similar with a friend recently so can relate to the feelings of hurt and hearing plans you have no involvement in being discussed.

I would not confront - she is perfectly free to choose whoever she wishes to be her bridesmaid. I stepped back and think its fine for you to do so too.

I imagine you’ll feel even worse at the wedding but if you can fake it…

Wrong thread ,sorry 😱

Thanks to everyone who has left comments, many of you have articulated the way that I feel and it’s been really helpful to see that set out in black and white. It’s not about being a bridesmaid for a day, it’s that she was my best friend and I’ve learned that I’m not hers - and the message wasn’t delivered particularly sensitively. I’ve tried to not let it bother me, but it really f*ing hurts! I’m sorry for everyone else that’s been in this position (particularly the poor person stranded in Mexico!!!!!) but it’s been comforting to know that this isn’t an uncommon situation or reaction.

I think she’ll work out quite quickly that something is up because we usually message every day but I can’t face it. I don’t think that she’s a bad person but I agree with the commenters saying I shouldn’t invest so much of my time in a friend that’s made me feel rubbish - I need to take the message, create a bit of space and concentrate on other friendships.

I’ll see if she says anything or whether she reads between the lines and lets me have some space. I think she knows me well enough to guess what the issue is and how I am feeling - which just makes her actions even more difficult for me.

I think if I don’t attend the wedding then that really would be the end of the friendship, so I’ll try to go but just not spend too much effort on a gift/outfit and will see whether I want to pick up the friendship in a less intensive form in the future.

Some people here have a very blasé approach to friendships coming and going and to think that it’s childish to be upset by a snub from a friend. I wish I had your thick skin, but I don’t!

@SillyBilly1993 Don't put too much emphasis on whether she notices you've gone quiet just now - people do get all swept up in making wedding arrangements etc so she might not pay the attention she would in normal circumstances. Her head will be full.

I hope you are able to find an acceptable level of engagement that allows you to feel good about yourself and your friend.

I can’t quite recall what I wrote but I’d feel similar to you. You’re not her best friend from her POV yet she’s not told you this and has let you guess from her snub re bridesmaid. I never know with people like this if it’s deliberate (a kind of putting you in your place, control) or whether they’re really so unaware they don’t know what they’re doing!

I’ve had two friends I considered very close but not best and another one now considers me a best friend but I don’t see her in that way, various reasons.

I’m also quite cold in my ways, so if someone has been nasty, unpleasant etc then I’ll cut them off. Will give chances first but have no qualms in cutting them off. My first best friend from age 5 to 24 I did that and then my second best friend from 13-42. The latter I regret a bit as I behaved badly and she was in a relationship with someone toxic who I think influenced her thinking. I tried to apologise and make amends but she was being controlled.

I think I’d definitely attend the wedding but do as you say, low key. You never know, she might be being a bit bridezilla and will contact you and say so, probably after the wedding!

I understand that you feel hurt - but it's three years since your wedding - have things changed for either of you in a significant way? e.g. had kids, moved away?

I was two people's "MOH" (only bridesmaid) and neither of them had a role in my wedding some years later, it was because they both had numerous small kids at the time and I didn't feel it was fair to ask. One wasn't even able to attend in the end due to kid being poorly.

I would simply walk away. You have nothing to gain nor anything to lose at this point.

It is a shame you are so hurt, but it sounds like she doesn’t see you in the same way you see her. I would ask her about it, but be prepared for a hurtful answer.
I wouldn’t say cut contact because she didn’t ask you to be a bridesmaid, that’s her choice to make. But definitely rethink the friendship and realise it’s not as code as you think it is x

Just a thought, your best friend was in an abusive relationship. Did you ever think she was being controlled and bullied and maybe that’s why she did that to you. Abusers like to isolate their victims from their friends and if it was down to her husband then he hit gold with you cutting her off like that. Maybe I am completely wrong but I would have had to have asked her.

I think lots of people on her are being very unsympathetic! I’ve been in similar but not identical scenarios (not involving bridesmaids etc) and it is very hurtful. You aren’t unreasonable at all to distance yourself.

I do understand your frustration and anger at the situation but if you are as close as you say you are, could you open up to her and have a chat to just let her know your feelings maybe after the wedding?

There might be a valid good reason for it. In my culture, the norm is only an unmarried person can be on your train (MOH and bridesmaids). Could this be the case with her thinking as well? I wasn’t on my best friend’s train even though she was my maid of honour and I thought absolutely nothing of it. But to me, that’s the norm.

If you can air your sadness once the wedding is over, and you understand where she comes from, then you can make your decision. I feel ending the friendship without knowing the full picture is rash.

You’ve not been able to see the wood for the trees; but now it’s all crystal clear maybe it’s time to bow out now; accidentally fall ill; the weekend of the wedding; then leave the initialising to her if she doesn’t contact you leave her; make new friends who value you & your kind heart x

This struck a chord with me, because I feel very much like the second-thought friend in basically all my friendships.

Honestly, OP, I'd not go to the wedding. Make some kind of excuse and just move on.