To end a friendship over not being made a bridesmaid?

[SillyBilly1993]

I had a lovely wedding a couple of years ago. My best friend of many years was my chief bridesmaid, she was my witness and made a speech too. I paid for her bridesmaids dress, jewellery, for her hair and make up. She did a bit of a pants job of organising my hen party which was stressful as I had to pick up the slack, but over the years she’s been a great friend to me and I’ve always felt really lucky and proud to have her in my life as such a close friend.

My friend got engaged last year and I assumed that she would ask me to be her maid of honour too. But time went by and eventually I got an invitation to her hen party from another friend of hers, which confirmed my fears that I wasn’t going to be asked to be a bridesmaid.

I was incredibly hurt that my friend hadn’t spoken to me to let me down gently, but I didn’t want to confront her because I knew that she had other difficult things going on in her life and because I couldn’t see what good could come of making a fuss.

But it was her hen party over the weekend, and I found it incredibly difficult. It felt humiliating that everyone knew that she had been my chief bridesmaid but I hadn’t been given any role in hers. It was upsetting to see her talking excitedly about plans for the wedding weekend with the bridesmaids. It was jarring to see how amazing and well planned her hen party was - it brought it home how little effort she had put into mine. I’d recently tried to organise a holiday with her but she’d said she didn’t have enough annual leave to spare, but in front of me at the weekend she was organising a holiday with other friends.

I can’t see us moving past this. The friendship wasn’t what I thought it was, and I feel like a fool. It’s made me feel worthless - that someone that I valued so highly would so completely not feel the same way.

I don’t think that anything that she could say would save the friendship now, so I’m intending to reduce contact with her, attend her wedding, and then quietly stop seeing her. AIBU for cutting her off in this way without saying anything because I wasn’t made a bridesmaid, am I taking it too seriously or should I confront her with how I feel first?

End the friendship ..no
step back a little …yes.
I too would be upset but I would y cut of all together. Accept that ur on different paths. You had a good time together but now it is time for new adventures with others.

I think she’s your best friend but you’re not hers, iykwim.

I can see what you would be upset about but it doesn’t sound like she’s purposely set out to hurt you.

Why bother waiting till after the wedding and protracting the wedding
Decline your invitation and block (if you don’t have any mutual friends) or go grey rock and get on with your own life.

Protracting the agony

I think it's fine to go to the wedding, it's a free meal and good people watching.

Just don't invest in it, no new dress or expensive gift.

This happened to me OP. My 'best friend' was my only adult bridesmaid. When she got engaged she didn't mention anything and somebody actually asked me in front of her if I was her bridesmaid, seeing as she had been mine. It put me on the spot a bit and I said I didn't know and she said, 'oh I'm not having grown up bridesmaids, just children' which was obviously fine. Then on her wedding day she appeared with four adult bridesmaids.

It felt quite hurtful and embarrassing; not so much the fact she hadn't asked me (her wedding, she can ask who she likes) but the lie and then the fact that she had either forgotten what she said to me or didn't care. DH thought it was quite shitty of her too.

We are still friends but I keep it quite 'light'.

This happened to me. I could have lived with it, if my friend had picked another long standing friend, but she chose a "new" friend she had no shared history with. Our friendship never recovered. She also did the same when her child was christened. Chose another "new" friend that had no religious background. I can't fathom people that do this kind of thing, but seems more common now unfortunately.

Surely you can understand that it's NOT about the role per se- it's about the message it sends: of not being valued anywhere near as much as the OP thought she was, and as much as she values this friend?

I'm fairly sure that if the chose bridesmaids had been sisters or fiance's sisters or daughters the OP would have said and would not be feeling this way. But if she has, as seems pretty clear, chosen other friends over her for no reason other than she values them more, even though until this point OP had thought of the two of them as being super-close, then surely it is understandable she should feel sad and start to re-evaluate the friendship?

YANBU because she should have talked to you and let you know that she wouldn't be asking you to be bridesmaid.
I think there's a lot more to this than just the not being bridesmaid thing, maybe you feel this friendship is running it's course.

Yep, sounds like bride has a few BMs, so her leaving out OP and not even bothering to tell her says she doesn't value the friendship as much as OP. Not to mention the holiday stuff and half arsing OP's hen do.

Well it seems clear she has closer friends than you. That's it. Entirely up to you whether you want to end a friendship over this. I mean you can still be good mates but just acknowledge the fact you're not her best friend.

Some people have a few best friend type friendships. It depends how many bridesmaids she is having? Plus since you married have your lives moved jn different directions, nit quite as close etc.
I would be hurt, but I also recognise I xan be pretty sensitive. Arranging holidays with others and knocking you back etc indicates you are a little lower down the list of priorities. Would I end the friendship? Not sure, I would likely give it some time, reassess when things are not so raw.
Maybe you have friends in your life who were secretly hoping to be your maid of honor? Look at it from different perspectives. But in time, if you still feel this way, then if course its OK to walk away.

But why does being a bridesmaid = being a good friend.

OP has said what a great friend she’s been over the years and that would be more important to me than me not having a big role in her wedding.

Her friend obviously has reasons for choosing the people she did to be her bridesmaids.
If she has been a bridesmaid for numerous other women then she cannot have them all at hers and has to choose.

It is very possible that they are super close but the woman is also super close and probably more super close to other people.

It doesn’t mean you should end a friendship over it.

Flip side OP, I had a friend who was really rude and not very nice when I didn’t make her my bridesmaid. I was hers and she didn’t take it well. Didn’t come to my hen do and didn’t bother coming to my wedding (I had to chase her to see if she was even coming).

Our friendship never recovered, she messaged a few years ago, I was nice but made it clear I wasn’t bothered about keeping in contact.

I think your doing the right thing, got to the wedding then phase out contact if this isn’t the relationship you thought it was

Again, you are ignoring the 'friend's' other behaviour (lying about not be able to go on holiday, half arsing OP's hen do', etc).

That's not heinous behaviour, but it has made OP realise that the friendship is uneven, and that's a good thing, because she can now concentrate on other close friends.

YABU TeaParty to think OP should continue to be the one that gives the most in this friendship.

Yes I have close friends, thank you for asking. I also talk to my friends and if they upset me I tell them, I certainly don’t consider ending a friendship over something like this. OP is being ridiculous, if this person is such a great friend having a conversation like that shouldn’t be a problem and ending the friendship shouldn’t even be a conversation. Of course she can upset, I would be too but I wouldn’t end the friendship.

A couple of friends that were my bridesmaids didn't ask me to be their bridesmaids when they got married a year or two later, simply because I had young children by then and they thought I had enough on my plate.

I don't think I'd even want to attend the wedding. If you plan to back away what the point of going. Make an excuse and bow out x

Arranging a holiday with other friends would have been it for me. Sounds like she has new shiny friends to play with and doesn’t value you enough to even make arrangements behind your back it’s all in public.

OP I think the hurtful thing here was that she didn’t have the conversation with you beforehand - she would have known that you would be hurt by not being asked but instead of being an adult and breaking it to you gently, she chose the coward’s way out and let you find out from others. A humiliating kick in the teeth.

I didn’t ask one of my best friends to be my bridesmaid for various reasons and I knew if I didn’t explain/tell her beforehand then she would assume the reason was that I didn’t consider her a close friend, which wasn’t the case at all! So I just explained to her privately before I asked my bridesmaids, offered her an alternative role which I thought she would really enjoy and she was totally fine about it and pleased to have a role. Plus she then wasn’t blindsided when she got a message about the hen from the bridesmaids.

it’s just basic decency to consider your friends’ feelings when planning these things.

Do adults have “best friends”?? I just have friends

No reason why they shouldn't have 'best friends', @OMG12 - as long as you have friends you can trust and who are there for you, and vice versa, does it matter what you call them?

But these weren’t an issue until the bridesmaids thing and now suddenly they are.

OPs AIBU is asking if she should cut her off because she wasn’t made a bridesmaid.
And I think she is BU.

I tend to say my closest friend now rather than best friend as friendships change as you get older and my friendships are not as intense as in my younger years. My best friend growing up, although still a friend, has not been my closest friend for many years. My closest friend is the one I feel the most connection with now at my age and lifestyle.

Of course they do, well at least some people do. It isn't inherently childish to have a best friend.

For OP though this seems to be a classic example of one person valuing a friendship much more than the other.

My advice to OP is to do a slow fade and step back from the relationship until either you get to a place where you feel it is balanced (top tip would be that point is where your contact is being equally sought between both parties rather than one doing most of the running) or, if you can't do that, you can just let the friendship wind up of its own accord and move on completely.