Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end a friendship over not being made a bridesmaid?

359 replies

SillyBilly1993 · 30/05/2023 00:24

I had a lovely wedding a couple of years ago. My best friend of many years was my chief bridesmaid, she was my witness and made a speech too. I paid for her bridesmaids dress, jewellery, for her hair and make up. She did a bit of a pants job of organising my hen party which was stressful as I had to pick up the slack, but over the years she’s been a great friend to me and I’ve always felt really lucky and proud to have her in my life as such a close friend.

My friend got engaged last year and I assumed that she would ask me to be her maid of honour too. But time went by and eventually I got an invitation to her hen party from another friend of hers, which confirmed my fears that I wasn’t going to be asked to be a bridesmaid.

I was incredibly hurt that my friend hadn’t spoken to me to let me down gently, but I didn’t want to confront her because I knew that she had other difficult things going on in her life and because I couldn’t see what good could come of making a fuss.

But it was her hen party over the weekend, and I found it incredibly difficult. It felt humiliating that everyone knew that she had been my chief bridesmaid but I hadn’t been given any role in hers. It was upsetting to see her talking excitedly about plans for the wedding weekend with the bridesmaids. It was jarring to see how amazing and well planned her hen party was - it brought it home how little effort she had put into mine. I’d recently tried to organise a holiday with her but she’d said she didn’t have enough annual leave to spare, but in front of me at the weekend she was organising a holiday with other friends.

I can’t see us moving past this. The friendship wasn’t what I thought it was, and I feel like a fool. It’s made me feel worthless - that someone that I valued so highly would so completely not feel the same way.

I don’t think that anything that she could say would save the friendship now, so I’m intending to reduce contact with her, attend her wedding, and then quietly stop seeing her. AIBU for cutting her off in this way without saying anything because I wasn’t made a bridesmaid, am I taking it too seriously or should I confront her with how I feel first?

OP posts:
Flowergirls19 · 31/05/2023 19:20

@Plipplopdrop I always feel like that too. If not 3rd or 4th thought

MeinKraft · 31/05/2023 19:25

Yet another loving friendship destroyed by wedding crap.

Densol57 · 31/05/2023 19:25

OP - dont want the thick skin of some of the posters on here. Just be glad THEY are not your friends ! Some very bizarre responses on here puzzled at why you are upset.

Of course you are right to be upset - Id feel exactly the same ! Time to drift away from this “friendship” and forget the hurt 💐

rainydaysandtuesday · 31/05/2023 19:26

Count your lucky stars you're off the hook....yipeee

Enjoy the wedding as a guest without the faff of being a bridesmaid

Oh god how i loathe being bridesmaid. It's such a drag

Thank god those days are behind me

Justyouwaitandseeagain · 31/05/2023 19:27

Haven't read the full thread but have you had children since your wedding? I've known some people say they haven't chosen people with young children to be bridesmaids as they presume they will need to be with their babies/kids.

Redkettle · 31/05/2023 19:28

I'd get covid on the wedding day. I cba with that

MadMadaMim · 31/05/2023 19:44

It's all about choices

It's really difficult when you realise friendships aren't what you thought they were and are unequal. It's also very, very common.

It's hard not to take this personally, but most of the time, it's really not. How we feel about our relationships and the importance we give then is our choice and we shouldn't expect that to be reciprocated. I'm not the best friend of the person I consider my best friend and I also realised this when she got married. It was a very small wedding with a small 'event/activity' and dinner after the ceremony and I was not invited to either. I hadn't been bothered before the day as I assumed it was family only but 2 other friends were included. I was confused and hurt but afterwards I removed emotions from it and thought about what it actually meant.

It meant she didn't consider me her best friend but it didn't change our friendship. I was obviously happy with the friendship as I considered her my bestie. She's been married over 20 years and she's still my bestie. I don't think about or care if it's reciprocal - it doesn't need to be.

If you really think about it, does it matter if you're not her best friend? What difference does it make? We're not children. We're old enough to understand we don't own each other's feelings.

And sometimes it is okay to walk away. A person I considered a close friend (we'd lived together in our early 20s) invited me to her wedding. I knew I wouldn't be bridesmaid/involved as I'd moved away for work (6 months nths before). As the date of the wedding approached I hadn't had details of the reception so asked. She then informed me, without a care in the world, that I was invited to the church only as it was a small wedding and the reception was for close friends and family only. I told her that was bizarre as basically, anyone can walk into a church and watch a wedding. She expected me to travel nearly 500 miles round trip. pay for a hotel etc to sit in a church for an hour. I declined and said I couldn't justify the expense.

When I saw her next and we looked at the photos, I realised I was the only one of our 7 friend group who hadn't been invited to the reception. That was the last time I saw her. 15 yrs later, nobody from the group speaks to her.

Choices. Is the friendship worth not being her best friend? If so, carry on enjoying your best friend. Good friends are really hard to find. If we step back, real friendship just 'is'. Pecking order shouldn't matter

Good luck

TillyBilly29 · 31/05/2023 19:49

Something similar happened to me and it was hurtful for a long time. You are not being unreasonable in how you feel. But I wouldn't say anything, as it won't change anything, it's just clear that she doesn't value the friendship in the same way ( which I guess is the hurtful part). I am still friends with my friend I am just not as invested in the friendship as I used to be, I guess it has changed how I view the relationship, I suppose. So I know OP it is hurtful but it will pass and the friendship will be a bit different but I wouldn't end the friendship entirely.

Vynalbob · 31/05/2023 20:04

I'd scale back like you said. Three possibilities strike me....

  1. She doesn't see you as a bff
  2. She's taking you for granted
  3. Her OH doesn't like you/not keen
If you back off and it's no 2 or possibly 3 she may put more effort in. If it's 1 or a strong 3 then it is what it is (hate that phrase but it's stuck in my head) & move on.

All the Best 👍

lcl · 31/05/2023 20:15

I’ve definitely had way too much experience of this kind of gut wrenching , sinking feeling that you aren’t as important to that person as you thought. I can relate to this. Not exactly the same scenario but some very similar ones and I did indeed let those friendships fizzle out.
I agree about stepping right back and letting it go. It’s incredibly hurtful and sad to go through this. Anyone who hasn’t shown sympathy on here has most certainly not had this done to them…yet. If you are a kind,loyal, giving friend this happens. I feel for you OP but honestly you will come through this and find more meaningful reciprocated friendship.

chubbychopsticks · 31/05/2023 20:36

It seems you and your friend had very different views on the depth of your friendship.

I'd just accept this as a strong message and move on. Of course its painful but now you are aware and know where to put your energy in the future.

Escapefromhell · 31/05/2023 20:45

It is not your best friend’s fault that you are not her best friend. She has done nothing wrong or dishonest. Just carry on, nothing has changed.

Rhaenys · 31/05/2023 21:04

Flowergirls19 · 31/05/2023 19:20

@Plipplopdrop I always feel like that too. If not 3rd or 4th thought

I always feel like I’m invited to stuff to make up the numbers.

I went through something similar to the OP with a relative. I knew her best friend was a bridesmaid and had assumed as she was a young bride and money was tight, that she’d be to only one. Imagine my surprise on the wedding day to discover she had 7 bridesmaids, including the daughter of one of her colleagues! It made me feel like shit that I was so low down the pecking order.

Yourcatisnotsorry · 31/05/2023 21:24

She’s your best friend but you aren’t hers. And that is tough to deal with and I understand your pain. Don’t do anything rash and think about whether what she adds to your life outweighs the pain of the imbalance.

Airspice · 31/05/2023 21:41

Exactly the same happened to me 30 years ago, I was so hurt by it, and ended up not even going to the wedding I felt that strongly about it. Drastic maybe but it made me realise our friendship didn’t mean as much to her as it did to me, even though we’d been inseparable since we were 14. I never saw her again after I RSVPd in the negative.

Browsing2023 · 31/05/2023 21:46

I have a lot of best friends. Each plays a different special role in my life. It was for this reason I didn’t have bridesmaids because I wouldn’t have been able to choose. My mum ended up being my witness and I suppose she was unofficial maid of honour but I planned my own hen do and paid for it etc.

I would be devastated in your shoes, so I completely understand your feelings.

Flowergirls19 · 31/05/2023 22:39

@Rhaenys totally get that! I too also feel like I’m there to make the numbers. Don’t feel important to any friends which has led to me isolating myself more I feel and not going to things.

PeachyPeachTrees · 31/05/2023 22:45

Your eyes are open now, OP. I would just cool off this friendship and concentrate on other friends who appreciate you.

7393sallyC · 31/05/2023 23:16

I would feel hurt by this, YANBU or entitled in any way. You obviously thought more of the friendship than she did and it hurts. I think I would back away from the friendship after the wedding as you said. It's not a nice feeling and it's painful especially if she doesn't reach out to ask why.

Rootingforcatherinecawood · 31/05/2023 23:23

ringsaglitter · 30/05/2023 00:47

To quote the internet:

"You may not be your best friends best friend"

Please don't lose your friendship over this hun - we lose friends as we get older anyway. Rather, just cool it a little and don't stress so much. :)

Yes this.
I get how upsetting this is, most positive outcome might be to focus on yourself and how you want to get to know more people going forwards. It's not a reflection of you as a person, but is def a sign to expand your own social circle and good luck to you! In a year, 18 months, things might be very different socially for you so ultimately this is a good turning point and can only bring better in future than the present imbalanced relationship. Go you!

MrsJellycat · 01/06/2023 01:15

I ditched my so called best friend over a very similar thing about 15 years ago.

We were best friends since school days. She often said I was her best friend, so I know it was not a one way friendship.

She announced she was getting married and having her child christened at the same time. As her bridesmaid and her child's godmother she chose another friend that we'd also been at school with. I was only invited to the evening do, not even the whole day. She still sent her wedding list with my invite though!

I declined her invite and then just stopped bothering to contact her. And, looking back now, there were other things that I then realised had been crap about our friendship. She's never managed to get the message and even now 15 years later she still occasionally tries to get me to meet up for coffee via FB messenger. I'm not interested.

I couldn't care less if my hurt, and subsequent dumping of my friend, makes me needy or childish or ridiculous. In my opinion she made a statement about how little she valued me and I'm glad I ditched her.

Funnily enough after a few years she fell out with the bridesmaid/godmother friend.

DreamTheMoors · 01/06/2023 03:19

@SillyBilly1993

Hi - it’s me, the one who got abandoned in Mexico. My friend who left me there, she was also my first cousin, so it wasn’t like I never saw her again. I was so mad at her, though and didn’t speak to her for ages.

I want you to know something. As we got older, she called more & came to stay with me & my husband often.

After awhile it dawned on me that the reason was because she had nobody else, no other friends. She had flaked her way out of all her other friendships. Do you know what I mean by “flaky?” Not repaying loans, skipping out on rent, not following through on commitments - things like that. All her friends abandoned her. She was a lousy friend.

She died in 2005 of breast cancer, alone. Her mom and I were there - that’s all. I felt very sad for her.

I know you feel bad now, and sad for the friendship you thought you had. Remember the Three Ts: Things Take Time. Lean on your husband and other friends. As time passes this person will become less and less important to you and your heartache will lessen and go away altogether.

I promise. Much love.

ringsaglitter · 01/06/2023 03:24

@MrsJellycat

Gosh that's interesting, I think you did the correct thing to end that friendship - sounds like she was a bad egg. On a side note, love your username!

kingtamponthefurred · 01/06/2023 06:25

The concept of 'best friends' should be ditched the day you leave primary school.

Freckles978 · 01/06/2023 08:03

You are going to lose a friendship over this? Also who is the maid of honour? Her sister?

My sister has many beat friends who have asked her to be a made her a made of honour, but when the big day comes, we both know it will be me.

You don't know who behind the scenes has a bigger impact in her life.

I do however think she could have at least made you a bridesmaid, or at least called to say why you weren't. And this is the part I find which is disrespectful.

Does she have the best communication style? If not, just stay friends and don't put this friendship on such a pedestal.