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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's bothering me that some people appear to be pitying me because I have 3 girls

209 replies

Hello55 · 26/05/2023 11:55

I had my 3rd girl last year and i hate that during this time a few people have made comments like they are pitying me for having 3 girls. I love them they are my world. It bothers me how dare they? Anyone else experienced this and how have you stopped it bothering you? I'm trying not to let what other people think bother me but I can't help it sometimes and it eats away at me. What can I do? For background I am Asian and traditionally boys are more favoured by people. Have had the odd comment from people from other backgrounds.. 1 person from a white background asking if we would try for a boy!

Also since having my 3rd i have become more conscious about things down the line when they get older.. i worry for them as it is a scary world we live in. Anyone else do this and how do you deal with it?

AIBU for letting peoples comments bother me and also having these future worries?

Tia X

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Original poster
Hello55 · 30/05/2023 14:40

PinkTeaForMe · 30/05/2023 07:00

Asian mum of three girls here (aged 11-16). Only yesterday I got a text suggesting a name for a boy that I should use when I have him. I had to politely explain (again) that I'm done and that I now look forward to my future grandchildren. I can't imagine that this will be the last comment on the subject though. I used to get really offended when the girls were little. Now I couldn't care less. Very happy with my lot thank you very much!

Gosh how ridiculous that someone messaged you that! When did you find you stopped caring? I do get offended! These people try to make me feel inadequate and that does upset me x

OP posts:
Original poster
Hello55 · 30/05/2023 14:41

Spellcheck · 30/05/2023 08:42

3 girls - how wonderful! I have 2 girls and 3 boys and people used to say all the time how l’d surely be wanting to even up those numbers. Nope.
My girls are 19 and 24 now, and I’d say for the future, being as open as possible so they feel they can come to you with anything is important. As is not making looks their worth, praising them for being pretty, as though it’s a great achievement. That’s hugely damaging later down the line. They need to hear they’re hard working, kind, funny, and that you love to be with them. Encouraging friendships, telling them they’re enough.

Thank you so much for the advice taken on board. Sorry what was damaging? X

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Original poster
Hello55 · 30/05/2023 14:44

SparklyBlackKitten · 30/05/2023 08:53

Maybe in your culture they pitty you
But in different cultures they might just feel sorry for you? Because they feel girls are hard work
And a lifetime of worry? I dunnow

But who cares
You love your kids
Your husband loves your kids

Then who the hell cares about what other people think

2 those people i would say girls are no more hard work than boys. I think once your a parent regardless of what sex it's a lifetime of worry as most parents worry!

OP posts:
Original poster
Hello55 · 30/05/2023 14:45

SparklyBlackKitten · 30/05/2023 08:53

Maybe in your culture they pitty you
But in different cultures they might just feel sorry for you? Because they feel girls are hard work
And a lifetime of worry? I dunnow

But who cares
You love your kids
Your husband loves your kids

Then who the hell cares about what other people think

Sent without finishing your right tho need to stop caring what others think

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GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/05/2023 14:49

I think in your particular case there’s probably a cultural element to it - plus the white person probably perceiving through bias that you will have a preference for boys.

But yes, also in the population in general people are weird about the sex of children and assuming everyone will want one or more of each.

I have one of each and not sure it’s a plus as mine aren’t particularly close (also 5 yr gap, although “full” siblings). Plus makes handing down clothes etc harder, and if you live in an area with lots of single sex state schools!

Original poster
Hello55 · 30/05/2023 14:56

There wasn't a cultural element to the white person as he shared that his grandad had just girls and they kept going as they wanted a boy but ended up with 9 girls.

Yes I see what you mean same gender children share interests and I guess find it easier confiding in each other about certain things as they get older

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CornishGem1975 · 30/05/2023 14:58

I have 3 kids, I'd pity you more if you had 3 boys. 3 girls sounds like a dream.

I have family member who is married to an Asian man. She had 3 girls and she actually found it quite stressful during pregnancies as her husband heaped pressure on her about having a boy. Of course, when the babies were here he was over the moon but the pressure for her to have a boy was ridiculous.

Spellcheck · 30/05/2023 15:08

@Hello55 I meant telling girls that their only worth is in their looks - praising them just for their looks can be damaging. My daughters are immersed in Insta culture, as so many are (nothing particularly wrong with that), but a lot of their friends are obsessed with how they look, and the inevitable comparison with others has lead to suicide attempts and eating disorders. There seems to be an overwhelming force of opinion that female looks are all that matters despite society trying to overcome this by celebrating women’s achievements in all other areas.

Original poster
Hello55 · 30/05/2023 15:25

Spellcheck · 30/05/2023 15:08

@Hello55 I meant telling girls that their only worth is in their looks - praising them just for their looks can be damaging. My daughters are immersed in Insta culture, as so many are (nothing particularly wrong with that), but a lot of their friends are obsessed with how they look, and the inevitable comparison with others has lead to suicide attempts and eating disorders. There seems to be an overwhelming force of opinion that female looks are all that matters despite society trying to overcome this by celebrating women’s achievements in all other areas.

Thank you for clarifying, gosh that is so sad, i see what you mean now about the importance of telling them they are kind, funny etc so looks arent the only thing they are defined by. Could I please have any advice you are able to give on how to build resilience in girls, I want them to be strong mentally but need tips on what could help with this please xxx

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