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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's bothering me that some people appear to be pitying me because I have 3 girls

209 replies

Hello55 · 26/05/2023 11:55

I had my 3rd girl last year and i hate that during this time a few people have made comments like they are pitying me for having 3 girls. I love them they are my world. It bothers me how dare they? Anyone else experienced this and how have you stopped it bothering you? I'm trying not to let what other people think bother me but I can't help it sometimes and it eats away at me. What can I do? For background I am Asian and traditionally boys are more favoured by people. Have had the odd comment from people from other backgrounds.. 1 person from a white background asking if we would try for a boy!

Also since having my 3rd i have become more conscious about things down the line when they get older.. i worry for them as it is a scary world we live in. Anyone else do this and how do you deal with it?

AIBU for letting peoples comments bother me and also having these future worries?

Tia X

OP posts:
Helena91 · 27/05/2023 15:45

Well of course people think you'd want both/a mix, so many are very loud on social media about wanting that, having tantrums at gender reveals etc. I personally wouldn't assume but I can totally see why people do.

Gettingbysomehow · 27/05/2023 15:48

I'm one of three girls. It was relentless - are you going to try for a boy then to my mother every 5 seconds, what a shame all those weddings to pay for - I paid for my own wedding.
Nobody to carry your name on then, what a shame. Etc ad nauseam. I'm surprised I haven't got a massive complex.
I don't think anyone will care about carrying our name on, it's as common as Smith.

GreenShadow · 27/05/2023 16:49

I'm afraid to some extent it's a natural reaction. It's just that most people are too polite to speak it out loud.

When I was a teen, my brother's best friend was one of 3 boys. I used to feel so sorry for his mum (though I'm sure she was absolutely fine with it).

Now I'm all grown up myself, I have - you guessed it - 3 boys, and it feels the most natural thing in the world.
We never went into the 2nd and 3rd pregnancy expecting or hoping for a girl. It would be what it would be.

But at the same time, I do think it is probably (slightly) beneficial to most children to grow up with at least one sibling of the opposite sex.

Meixo · 27/05/2023 17:05

PoePoePoePoePoe · 26/05/2023 22:40

@Meixo ah that’s really lovely. Thank you. 🙄

There's negatives to having a daughter, you worry so much about the world they are in and the rampant misogyny and porn etc. My daughter had her first lewd comments made towards her she's not yet 10 years old.
I love having a daughter but I feel for her that she will probably experience this multiple times during her life and that's the way the world is.

Original poster
Hello55 · 27/05/2023 22:33

I appreciate all the messages, people are cruel these comments do upset me as they make me feel like there's something wrong with me.. as though I'm inadequate :( I wish I didn't feel this way

OP posts:
PucketyPuckPuck · 27/05/2023 23:05

Some people will feel sorry for you if you 'only' have dc of one sex because you're missing out on experiencing parenting the other. Some people will feel sorry for you if you have one of each because your dc will never experience that special same-sex sibling bond. Some people will feel sorry for you if you have one dc because 'lonely'. Some people will feel sorry for you if you have 3 plus dc because 'manic'.

The only thing that is categorically true is that some people are twats. And best ignored.

Namechanger355 · 28/05/2023 00:17

PucketyPuckPuck · 27/05/2023 23:05

Some people will feel sorry for you if you 'only' have dc of one sex because you're missing out on experiencing parenting the other. Some people will feel sorry for you if you have one of each because your dc will never experience that special same-sex sibling bond. Some people will feel sorry for you if you have one dc because 'lonely'. Some people will feel sorry for you if you have 3 plus dc because 'manic'.

The only thing that is categorically true is that some people are twats. And best ignored.

This

some people will complain about you having a child at all, or too many children or not enough pets

basically you can’t please everyone - and you really don’t need to waste your life trying to

Sarahtm35 · 28/05/2023 00:23

I have 3 girls so I can relate. Comments I’ve had
“ oh didn’t you want a boy?”
”having a boy feels so special, you wouldn’t understand”
”oh never mind you can always try again”
“Dad is outnumbered, must be hard on him”

it bothered me when they were little but now they’re grown I really couldn’t care less.
I wouldn’t change my girls for the world.

allhailthebrain · 28/05/2023 01:45

I had this a lot - on the boy side. I remember having to see a dentist a few days before I had my second, she asked if I knew what I was having (knowing I already had a boy) - I said another boy. "oh... never mind" she said in a consoling tone of voice... WTF?!

Even in the congratulations cards I found I got comments - people thinking they were funny making jokes about being outnumbers and needing to get started on trying for a girl! Wow. Any chance I can enjoy my gorgeous newborn son at all...?

When pg with my third the comments were off the scale. Anybody who asked if I knew what we were having (we didn't) would tell me how I would obviously be hoping for a girl... Often in front of my boys. I started replying with "actually I think we make pretty amazing boys!" and watched them squirm a bit! Or if I really wanted to shut them up I'd explain that having lost a previous pregnancy and had a few scares with this one, we'd really settle for any healthy baby, but thanks anyway...

Enjoy your daughters, and throw a question back at commenters to make them see how rude they're really being!

(On the what's the hardest work, girls or boys debate - my eldest son is WAY harder work than his brother or sister put together!)

Kokeshi123 · 28/05/2023 02:10

I have had the odd comment from mums of boys, more around their own expectations that their sons will bring a wife home and will support them in old age etc

This is a common way of thinking in some Asian cultures, but it literally only works in social systems where women are so cowed that they are prepared to move in with their in-laws and be their dogsbody! The mothers saying this to you are in for a shock in the future.

JMSA · 28/05/2023 02:52

I have 3 girls, two of whom are teens. I feel sorry for me Grin

Groutyonehereagain · 28/05/2023 03:21

I have three boys and I’ve experienced the same negativity. I’ve learned to cherish what I have and to crack on. If anyone makes a negative comment, I tell them, not so politely, to mind their own business. Enjoy your girls @Hello55 you are blessed to have them. 💐

Achwheesht · 28/05/2023 05:40

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Mamma2017 · 28/05/2023 10:15

Huge congratulations on 3 girls! 💖💖💖 💐
congratulations on recognising the ugly in other peoples and the culture’s judgment, expectation and utter ignorance. Do not let it phase you one iota! Believe in what makes you and your beautiful family happy 😊 Best wish for the future xxx

Original poster
Hello55 · 28/05/2023 15:40

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Aww thanks for sharing your story and your right.. People are arseholes. They make me feel inadequate and I hate that I really do, why can't people just leave others alone x

OP posts:
JamSandle · 28/05/2023 16:07

Just forget about them. People are arseholes a lot of the time. Enjoy your happiness :)

SleepingStandingUp · 28/05/2023 16:42

thankfully I had another girl so I feel like I’ve won the lottery 😊... Just ignore the comments. People judge for everything
Jus how you judged about having an boy you mean @SunnySaturdayMorning

SleepingStandingUp · 28/05/2023 16:48

Meixo · 27/05/2023 17:05

There's negatives to having a daughter, you worry so much about the world they are in and the rampant misogyny and porn etc. My daughter had her first lewd comments made towards her she's not yet 10 years old.
I love having a daughter but I feel for her that she will probably experience this multiple times during her life and that's the way the world is.

Show quote history

So what would you have done if you'd had a boy? Did you conceive through a donor as males are so abhorrent? How will you feel is you end up with a grandson?

Meixo · 28/05/2023 16:51

SleepingStandingUp · 28/05/2023 16:48

So what would you have done if you'd had a boy? Did you conceive through a donor as males are so abhorrent? How will you feel is you end up with a grandson?

Show quote history

I had no strong preference either way when I was pregnant it changed afterwards. I'm happy I have a daughter is all and a Grandson would be fine. My nephew is adorable.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/05/2023 17:29

Meixo · 28/05/2023 16:51

I had no strong preference either way when I was pregnant it changed afterwards. I'm happy I have a daughter is all and a Grandson would be fine. My nephew is adorable.

Show quote history

So actually the "I'd only ever want a girl" when you didn't have a preference until you had a girl is a bit.... over dramatic eh?

arlequin · 28/05/2023 18:19

@Meixo your comment about only a daughter being for life is really hurtful

PinkTeaForMe · 30/05/2023 07:00

Asian mum of three girls here (aged 11-16). Only yesterday I got a text suggesting a name for a boy that I should use when I have him. I had to politely explain (again) that I'm done and that I now look forward to my future grandchildren. I can't imagine that this will be the last comment on the subject though. I used to get really offended when the girls were little. Now I couldn't care less. Very happy with my lot thank you very much!

Spellcheck · 30/05/2023 08:42

3 girls - how wonderful! I have 2 girls and 3 boys and people used to say all the time how l’d surely be wanting to even up those numbers. Nope.
My girls are 19 and 24 now, and I’d say for the future, being as open as possible so they feel they can come to you with anything is important. As is not making looks their worth, praising them for being pretty, as though it’s a great achievement. That’s hugely damaging later down the line. They need to hear they’re hard working, kind, funny, and that you love to be with them. Encouraging friendships, telling them they’re enough.

SparklyBlackKitten · 30/05/2023 08:53

Maybe in your culture they pitty you
But in different cultures they might just feel sorry for you? Because they feel girls are hard work
And a lifetime of worry? I dunnow

But who cares
You love your kids
Your husband loves your kids

Then who the hell cares about what other people think

Ohyeahyousay · 30/05/2023 08:55

creditcrunch2023 · 26/05/2023 12:38

The preference for boys is deeply entrenched in Asian and many other cultures and I don't see it changing anytime soon. Boys are seen as an asset and girls as a liability, hence the pity. I think you probably know this.

I think this is the essence of it.

The attitude in other European cultures is similar as well, I don't know about the rest of the world but can guess.

As a mum of boys I get a smile and a "well done, you had boys" nod when I introduce my kids on visits home.

I guess maybe it used to be the same here (the "heir and a spare" thing) but has changed more recently.

It's age old male bias etc. etc.