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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's bothering me that some people appear to be pitying me because I have 3 girls

209 replies

Hello55 · 26/05/2023 11:55

I had my 3rd girl last year and i hate that during this time a few people have made comments like they are pitying me for having 3 girls. I love them they are my world. It bothers me how dare they? Anyone else experienced this and how have you stopped it bothering you? I'm trying not to let what other people think bother me but I can't help it sometimes and it eats away at me. What can I do? For background I am Asian and traditionally boys are more favoured by people. Have had the odd comment from people from other backgrounds.. 1 person from a white background asking if we would try for a boy!

Also since having my 3rd i have become more conscious about things down the line when they get older.. i worry for them as it is a scary world we live in. Anyone else do this and how do you deal with it?

AIBU for letting peoples comments bother me and also having these future worries?

Tia X

OP posts:
GeoffGiraffe · 26/05/2023 13:02

I have one boy and have loads of people think it's a shame for me! They soon shut up when I tell them I actually have two boys and a girl but he's my only living child so is literally my miracle golden boy.

Zippedydoo123 · 26/05/2023 13:05

People are full of shit. Endless opinions bandied about far too freely.

Original poster
Hello55 · 26/05/2023 13:12

Bumpitybumper · 26/05/2023 12:18

Ah now you're straying into very controversial MN territory about whether males and females are intrinsically different and therefore if having a daughter or son is likely to have a material impact on your life.

I firmly believe male and females are inherently different so I think raising three girls will be fundamentally different than raising three boys or a mix of the sexes. Not necessarily better or worse but probably different. I do also think that women tend to lean towards wanting a daughter and men towards a boy. I think this is because people often think that they will have more in common with a child of the same sex and will find it easier to raise them as they can draw more on their own experience of being a child of that sex. So often people commenting on three girls will be assuming that the father is a bit disappointed. Of course this isn't always the case and plenty of families are delighted with children of the same sex but I definitely have some friends that would have chosen the opposite sex child if they had total control at the point of conception.

My husband isn't disappointed in the slightest he loves them dearly and said he doesn't care about other peoples opinions, that our children are our children they aren't defined by their gender

OP posts:
GrandTheftWalrus · 26/05/2023 13:13

I have 2 girls and I'm over the moon about it. I never wanted boys. Since I was a little girl myself I always wanted girls.

My dad was a bit disappointed my 2nd was a girl as he wanted a grandson but he's happy with them.

I did have a miscarriage between my girls and I do wonder if it was a boy.

OhmygodDont · 26/05/2023 13:18

You’ll always get the comments unless you have the one big one girl and done.

Multiple girls oh don’t you want a boy
Multiple boys oh don’t you want a girl

Have one of each of why are you having another.

We had the “perfect” boy then girl so everyone figured we where crazy to have a third like the sexes of my children determined how many I wanted 😅

RoseGoldEagle · 26/05/2023 13:19

Is there a part of you that would have liked a son OP? (I think it’s fine to say that if so, it’s not the same as saying you didn’t want your girls). I think peoples comments can be annoying, but only really hurtful if they hit a nerve. I would have loved to have three girls so I know those opinions wouldn’t have bothered me, other than rolling my eyes a bit. (I have a mixture which I also love, they’re all such different personalities and their sex doesn’t really come into it). Congrats on your gorgeous girls 😊

ItsCalledAConversation · 26/05/2023 13:20

When you only have girls, people can have a sort of traumatised “you don’t know, man, you haven’t seen” reaction, because parenting boy (toddlers/ younger kids) is understood to be “harder”.

FilthyforFirth · 26/05/2023 13:22

I have 2 boys. I suffer horrific HG pregnancies and got sterilised at 35 after ny 2nd. I am CONSTANTLY asked 'when I'll be trying for a girl'. Someone the other day was horrified when I said there would definitely be no more babies 'but what about having a girl?' I couldnt give a shiny shit about having a girl. I am very happy with ny family.

Just ignore! Your girls are so much more than their sex, they are your people.

Magssss · 26/05/2023 13:22

@vanimal “I always counter that by saying how close my girls are to me, and how they will always look out for me, whereas a son is more likely to move out with his wife, and then get on with his own life.”

And how do you think it feels to hear this as a mum of 4 boys?

HermioneHerman · 26/05/2023 13:23

No matter what sibset you end up with, people love to weigh in and comment. I have two boys and then a decent age gap and a girl. Not a day goes by even now when I don't get a comment about how incredibly thrilled and relieved I must have been to have 'finally' got a girl. I find it so unbelievably offensive, especially to my boys who are sometimes in earshot and basically being told they were the consolation kids before I finally got the prize! I've enjoyed having a girl for sure but that wasn't the goal and a third boy would also have been lovely... no doubt I'd get all the pitying comments instead though!

HerMammy · 26/05/2023 13:26

I have 3DD, 1 DS, whenever I say that to anyone I tend to get 'oh is he the youngest?', no he's not.
It is a very old fashioned attitude that we need a son.

vanimal · 26/05/2023 13:35

Magssss · 26/05/2023 13:22

@vanimal “I always counter that by saying how close my girls are to me, and how they will always look out for me, whereas a son is more likely to move out with his wife, and then get on with his own life.”

And how do you think it feels to hear this as a mum of 4 boys?

If it's something that touches a nerve with them, perhaps they see a grain of truth in it. But I say it to counter the Asian narrative that boys will undoubtedly stay and look after their parents, whereas girls 'belong' to their inlaws.

Dulra · 26/05/2023 13:36

Ignore ignore ignore I also have 3 beautiful witty charismatic caring girls. I am delighted with them. They are now 16, 13 and 11 and could not be more different from each other but at the same time a fantastic support to each other they are great sisters. Of course they clash from time to time but always have each other's back. I actually think having the same gender can be easier because they are interested in doing similar things for days out and holidays. I sometimes see with boy/ girl families the mum goes off with the girl and the dad with the boy whereas we do everything together.

I got comments about trying for a boy when they were younger but never now people are more likely to comment on how lucky we are. What does irritate me though is when people who have one of each seem to think they're experts on raising boys or girls! You've one of each how do you know which is easier? I've 3 girls and each is so different from each other I couldn't generalise like that

NorthORSouthThatsTheQN · 26/05/2023 13:38

People judge on everything these days, you need to block it out.
I have 1 girl and 1 boy, and I get given the comments frequently ‘it’s a shame for your daughter, nothing beats sisters, my sisters my best friend, my girls are SO close’. People criticise no matter what, you have to try and ignore them and enjoy what you do have.

Sceptre86 · 26/05/2023 13:43

I have girl, boy, girl and was told by my mil that my son was on his own. How, when he has two sisters that love him was my response. She also said I could try again, I've had 3 emcs and I realised at that point that whilst she is nice enough to me she really doesn't love me as a dd having never had one of her own.

I would love a 4th child but just because I would love another, not because I would be trying for a boy. If I did go for another I would be happy with whatever I was given. I'm one of 4, 3 girls and one boy. My parents never favoured my brother and we were all quite rightly treated as equals. My dad said of us that his son is his life but his girls are his whole heart.

You develop a thicker skin and come to the realisation that you can't argue with stupid. Unfortunately in our culture it's the women with outdated views like this that perpetuate the myth that boys are better. Children are a gift regardless of gender.

Mischance · 26/05/2023 13:54

Ah yes .... 3 girls. When I had my third (and last) child I cannot begin tell you the weird responses I got.

I was wheeling her round M&S one day when she was just a few weeks old and a little old lady (a patient of my GP husband) grabbed me by the arm and said "I am so sorry" - panicking I asked what for - I wondered if something had happened to my OH whilst I had been out. She said - for another girl. I pulled back the covers on the pram and pointed to my DD3 and said: "Look at this beautiful new person .... how dare you be sorry about her!"

I do not know whether this lady ever went to consult my OH again! ... and I don't care!

It is unbelievable really. My DDs are all adult now they and are a delight - close, caring, inseparable - indeed 2 of them have just set off on a girly few days away together. They are the joy of my life.

Marchitectmummy · 26/05/2023 13:55

So we have 5 daughters and we had the same from our 3rd. People assume if you have more than 2 children you are trying for a girl or a boy whichever you don't have.

It gets worse if you have any twins, which we do. Then you get comments about that too, things like oh I'll bet you were thinking just one more and look blah blah

Don't let it worry you, if you are happy all is good.

wyntersuhn · 26/05/2023 14:04

I have all boys. I've had people refuse to accept that I'm very happy with my boys and never wanted a girl. Apparently all mothers want a girl...not this one!

Original poster
Hello55 · 26/05/2023 14:06

vanimal · 26/05/2023 13:00

I am also Asian with 3 girls (and no boys) - I had these comments when my daughters were born, but now they are teens and everyone thinks they are great as they have got to know them as people.

I have had the odd comment from mums of boys, more around their own expectations that their sons will bring a wife home and will support them in old age etc, but I always counter that by saying how close my girls are to me, and how they will always look out for me, whereas a son is more likely to move out with his wife, and then get on with his own life.

I can confirm that having 3 daughters is amazing, please do ignore them and enjoy it!

Aww sounds amazing, I am excited about how close they will hopefully be especially as they get older being all girls and what a support they will be to each other. I never had a sister but always wished I had when younger! But I have my daughters now instead so I don't feel that way anymore as much.

Well said its so true, only reason Asian people think this is because they think sons will live with them and care for them in older age.. that simply isn't the case as often now as a lot of people get there own houses and enjoy living that life.

Did you have worries all of a sudden once your 3rd daughter was born about how scary the world is? All of a sudden im constantly worrying about how girls can be more vulnerable to certain things. What are the age gaps for your girls? X

OP posts:
justme2022 · 26/05/2023 14:09

I have one of each and several people said some variation of 'you'll be stopping now you've got the perfect pair' those were the words my MIL used. No, we are stopping now because we don't want a 3rd child. 2 boys or 2 girls would have made no difference.
I'm 1 of 2 girls and my dad was asked over the years if he was disappointed to have us and no boy. He just looked at them like they were mad.

Topseyt123 · 26/05/2023 14:10

SleepingStandingUp · 26/05/2023 12:49

Opposite here as I have three boys. I jsut reply with positivity.

"Ooh 3 boys eh, hard work! "
"yeah, they're amazing"

"you gonna try for a girl?"
"why??? My boys are awesome"

Etc.

Or just be direct. Ask they why
"oh no 3 girls, you poor thing"
Why?
"well 3 girls, I just pity you"
"why?"
"well you know..."
"nope, what?"

They'll learn to back off

This was exactly my approach when confronted with these stupid comments once I knew I was expecting a third DD. I would then just watch the idiots squim in their own embarrassment. It served them right!!

Hollyppp · 26/05/2023 14:18

I ABSOLUTELY hate the comments about baby’s gender.
I have a son and am pregnant with second baby. Everyone said things like I bet you’re hoping she’s a girl.
It turns out it just happens to be a girl.
My mum said ‘well done’ and cried when I told her the news. Which was ridiculous. I got so many over the top congrats you must be so happy comments. I thought it was vaguely amusing at the beginning but now I’m furious.
Also my mum keeps ringing and handing tv phone to random people saying you must tell them your amazing news. And I’m like what news and it turns out she means ‘how lucky I am I have one of each’.
I said to her what would you have done if I had told you it was a second boy? She said I would have paused and said well at least it’s a healthy baby.
The audacity. Honestly a lot of people have not held back that they see having a child of the same gender is some sort of curse ?!?
also tons of people have told me I’m not going to have a third clearly because I already have the perfect family. WTF how weird

Bluebells1970 · 26/05/2023 14:21

I've got 3 DD's, all now young adults and adore having girls. They're very thoughtful and very close to me and each other. They remember birthdays, christmas, and have been a huge source of comfort since losing my Dad/their grandad earlier this year. We go for coffee, shopping days, spa days. Their Dad often mumbles that he feels left out of our bond.

However my 2nd baby was stillborn, and it put their sex into complete perspective - I didn't care what sex they were as long as they were born alive. And was quite vocal to anyone who dared ask if I'd wanted a boy. Incidentally my stillborn baby was a boy.

Red0 · 26/05/2023 14:30

Probably not actual pity, but more joking like “good luck when they’re all teenagers!” kind of thing. I doubt anyone actually pities you for having 3 daughters so I would just take it in the manner it’s probably intended and laugh it off. If you’re happy having 3 daughters I’m not sure why you would care what others think anyway.

Squiblet · 26/05/2023 14:31

I'm a third girl. It really sucked for my parents, so I can see where the commenters are coming from tbh.