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AIBU?

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Original poster

It's bothering me that some people appear to be pitying me because I have 3 girls

209 replies

Hello55 · 26/05/2023 11:55

I had my 3rd girl last year and i hate that during this time a few people have made comments like they are pitying me for having 3 girls. I love them they are my world. It bothers me how dare they? Anyone else experienced this and how have you stopped it bothering you? I'm trying not to let what other people think bother me but I can't help it sometimes and it eats away at me. What can I do? For background I am Asian and traditionally boys are more favoured by people. Have had the odd comment from people from other backgrounds.. 1 person from a white background asking if we would try for a boy!

Also since having my 3rd i have become more conscious about things down the line when they get older.. i worry for them as it is a scary world we live in. Anyone else do this and how do you deal with it?

AIBU for letting peoples comments bother me and also having these future worries?

Tia X

OP posts:
Kerri44 · 27/05/2023 08:15

I've got one of each, boy 1st, then girl, she was born after 4 losses and the amount of people that have said I now have the "perfect" family......I just don't get the obsession, and before she was born my heart was set on another boy, and I was convinced it was as my pregnancies were identical....I was initially disappointed when my husband said it was a girl but now I'd not change her for the world, but I don't feel I have a perfect family purely because of their genders, but because I have 2 healthy happy children

Maray1967 · 27/05/2023 08:18

MrsSamR · 26/05/2023 12:02

I also have 2 girls and was told by my MIL when my second was literally a couple of weeks old "I think a boy next." Umm nope. I wanted 2 girls and I got them. Absolutely delighted with my lot.

Yes, I pushed back hard against any suggestion that another one of the same sex would be a disappointment. Folks who were likely to have said it to me were well aware that it would not be a good idea to do so. I just made comments like ‘no child of mine will ever be a disappointment’, said very firmly, and they didn’t say anything.

QueenofLouisiana · 27/05/2023 08:28

Honestly? Unless you have one of each, 2-3 years apart, people will make odd comments.

In my case it was “remarkable” that we’d stop after one (DS), when we were young enough, stable enough and could afford more. “Surely, you want a girl?” “You must want a sibling, he can’t be an only?”

My stock reply was that I couldn’t improve on perfection.

Duechristmas · 27/05/2023 08:34

I had this, it was the reason I didn't tell people when we knew we were expecting no3.
Now they're older I tell people I'm raising strong women and when people meet them, nobody doubts it.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 27/05/2023 08:39

Opinions are like arseholes - everyone’s got one 🤷🏻‍♀️. I have one of each - and husband is one of 4 boys. I have cousins with 3 girls and another with 3 boys. Just ignore them OP.

LT2 · 27/05/2023 09:07

People often assume other people would like one of each (I admit that it is my ideal, but I've only had 1 and I will still be over the moon if I get another of the same!). I wouldn't read into it too much. It would be the same sort of responses if you'd have had 3 boys and no girls!

Coolmom81 · 27/05/2023 09:08

It seems kind of ridiculous, since you have no control over the sex of your children. What do people want for you you tell them how disappointed you are that you have been blessed with 3 beautiful girls?!? I had a girl followed by quite a few miscarriages. It really puts in to perspective how lucky we are to be able to have a baby regardless of their gender. Eventually we had another healthy girl followed by a little boy. We weren’t “trying” for a boy, we just wanted another child and would have been just as happy with another girl. My children are now 20, 16 & 14. I have a different relationship with all 3 of them, but I don’t love either of them anymore than the others. Enjoy your girls!

mumof4andlovinglife · 27/05/2023 11:02

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BeverlyHa · 27/05/2023 11:06

SunnySaturdayMorning · Yesterday 11:58
I have two girls. When I was pregnant I had lots of comments along the lines of “oh you’ll want a boy so you have one of each”.

Nope! Was definitely hoping for another girl and thankfully I had another girl so I feel like I’ve won the lottery 😊

Just ignore the comments. People judge for everything. I’m also not worried for the future, people just like to catastrophise.

yes, my take also:

people love to judge and being negative because they are not proud with their own lives or children.

this is why i just ignore the majority of people anyway. I have one daughter and secondary infertility, and mums of two kids judged me i have only 1 - lol?????

My body just can't get pregnant again, so ????

KirstenBlest · 27/05/2023 11:49

@mumof4andlovinglife , did you read that she is from a community that favours sons over daughters?

mumof4andlovinglife · 27/05/2023 11:56

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NC2023678 · 27/05/2023 11:57

People pity people for everything, I had one boy until pregnant now and people pitied me that I didn’t have a daughter and that I he didn’t have a playmate. Well after five years of trying you can’t say we didn’t make an effort….Now I’m pregnant I’m sure I’ll get pity that there is a ten year age gap.

My point is who cares what they think. You could have one boy and one girl two years apart and be an awful mother to both or have three girls and give them support and strength. It really is what you make it.

NC2023678 · 27/05/2023 12:00

And I do worry about having a daughter yes, I get how you feel about it being a scary world…I’m thinking for her to go self-defense classes young

KirstenBlest · 27/05/2023 12:06

@mumof4andlovinglife , yes but the community probably still judges you if you only have DD, and that judgement might hurt.

mumof4andlovinglife · 27/05/2023 12:13

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KirstenBlest · 27/05/2023 12:14

@NC2023678 , but you probably did care when you were getting comments.
You probably got 'When are you going to have another one?' 'Only is lonely' etc

KirstenBlest · 27/05/2023 12:25

Maybe it's just me but i found a lot of the comments just irritating, some infuriating. Wanted to give the other person a piece of my mind, but knowing that if I did, it would be me in the wrong and that they would say that I was denying that I was not disappointed.

I know someone lovely who is married to someone just as nice, they tried and tried to have a child. People can be so insensitive. Do you really want to hear that you are being selfish for not having children when you have just had another miscarriage?

TeenLifeMum · 27/05/2023 12:33

I was once told that one girl and one boy is the perfect family… I disagreed. My 3 girls are the perfect family for me and dh. I do think boys throw in a different dynamic but all combinations are wonderful and challenging in equal measure.

NC2023678 · 27/05/2023 12:36

KirstenBlest · 27/05/2023 12:14

@NC2023678 , but you probably did care when you were getting comments.
You probably got 'When are you going to have another one?' 'Only is lonely' etc

You’re right I cared at the beginning but then I massively reduced my social circle and blocked a lot of people out emotionally. I felt a lot better doing that. We also had long summer holidays in countries like Spain and I was was so surprised at how many people there have one child, it made me feel totally normal and like the obsession with having another one in the U.K. is weird. Sure if you want another one, have one. But I stopped seeing it as a necessity. I think large groups of people, dare I say it, especially communities of women, can be toxic. Their obsessions with trivial things.

We ended up doing IVF over a few years and honestly if I’d had those women in my life, it would have been so much harder. Pitying me at every pitfall, it’s enough when you’re trying to deal with the pain yourself. I know not everyone can do that though, luckily the women I blocked out were playgroup mums/nursery mums/school mums etc not family as we don’t have a large extended family. I’m grateful for that to be honest! 😅

NC2023678 · 27/05/2023 12:40

Don’t mean to detail the thread, just to say OP if you can minimise your interaction within these communities it might help you, their opinions about the most important people in your life, your children, are just irritating and upsetting, so what’s the point in constant interaction with them? My mum is Asian and she had me and my Dad in her life. She ended up reducing contact with a lot of the community because she couldn’t be bothered with their views.

Applesinmyhouse · 27/05/2023 12:41

This happened to my SIL. She is also asian. People asked her if she would try for a third as she ‘only’ had girls. It’s sad and sexist.

1984Winston · 27/05/2023 12:41

I must admit I know someone with 3 girls and before I had kids I thought they must be lying about not caring that they didn't have a boy, I now have 2 girls and if I ever decided to have another I would want another girl if I'm honest! I have had comments saying my husband must want a boy, he is not bothered at all

KirstenBlest · 27/05/2023 13:09

@NC2023678 , Hugs. Best wishes for DC2. Be prepared for 'Bet you're glad she's not another boy?' Smile

MumblesParty · 27/05/2023 13:23

SunnySaturdayMorning · 26/05/2023 11:58

I have two girls. When I was pregnant I had lots of comments along the lines of “oh you’ll want a boy so you have one of each”.

Nope! Was definitely hoping for another girl and thankfully I had another girl so I feel like I’ve won the lottery 😊

Just ignore the comments. People judge for everything. I’m also not worried for the future, people just like to catastrophise.

@SunnySaturdayMorning so it’s OK for you to say you wanted another girl and you’d “won the lottery” when you got one. What would you have done if you’d got a boy? Not won the lottery I suppose, and been disappointed.

the hypocrisy on this thread is amazing. Getting angry with people expressing gender preference on your behalf, but then expressing gender preference yourself.

aSofaNearYou · 27/05/2023 13:36

These threads always end up really heated because people read all the generalisations people are making about the sex their children are, and it gets their back up and makes them want to do the same in reverse. I'm guilty of it myself, but it makes for unpleasant reading.

I have to say though, it does always feel jarring to me reading of women saying how shit they think girls are. Seems like internalised misogyny/self hatred from a woman.