Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's bothering me that some people appear to be pitying me because I have 3 girls

209 replies

Hello55 · 26/05/2023 11:55

I had my 3rd girl last year and i hate that during this time a few people have made comments like they are pitying me for having 3 girls. I love them they are my world. It bothers me how dare they? Anyone else experienced this and how have you stopped it bothering you? I'm trying not to let what other people think bother me but I can't help it sometimes and it eats away at me. What can I do? For background I am Asian and traditionally boys are more favoured by people. Have had the odd comment from people from other backgrounds.. 1 person from a white background asking if we would try for a boy!

Also since having my 3rd i have become more conscious about things down the line when they get older.. i worry for them as it is a scary world we live in. Anyone else do this and how do you deal with it?

AIBU for letting peoples comments bother me and also having these future worries?

Tia X

OP posts:
MidsummerNightsDream · 26/05/2023 16:03

I have 2 boys (teenagers now) and learned a long time ago to shut this down with the truth so my standard reply was always that after 2 miscarriages, I felt extremely blessed to have 2 healthy babies. People don’t comment on it now my boys are older.

Congratulations on your 3 lovely daughters, OP.

Onomatopoeia4 · 26/05/2023 16:05

DontTouchMyMug · 26/05/2023 15:58

I do sometimes comment to twins. I just think they seem so wonderful and special 💕 (and I know how hard it was to look after just one baby at a time) it's a mixture of wonder and awe and just their cuteness.

I'm the same. I also think that twins are great 😍

MidsummerNightsDream · 26/05/2023 16:06

Ilovemycatalot · 26/05/2023 15:06

My parents had 2 girls and a boy. The boy (my brother ) never bothers with anyone and is only interested in what his wife wants. Me and my sister are close and always bother with my parents. I’ve seen this a lot with sons once they marry everything is about their partner and partners family. If you have a son you will just be the dreaded MIL that you read about on here so much. Very happy I have a dd.

Huge generalisation there!

Opaque11 · 26/05/2023 16:07

Yanbu, I never understand why people do this. It's not like they get to keep the child they 'wish' for so what does it have to do with them. I would have to say something about this in case her words extend to her treatment of your children.

Original poster
Hello55 · 26/05/2023 16:16

RoseGoldEagle · 26/05/2023 13:19

Is there a part of you that would have liked a son OP? (I think it’s fine to say that if so, it’s not the same as saying you didn’t want your girls). I think peoples comments can be annoying, but only really hurtful if they hit a nerve. I would have loved to have three girls so I know those opinions wouldn’t have bothered me, other than rolling my eyes a bit. (I have a mixture which I also love, they’re all such different personalities and their sex doesn’t really come into it). Congrats on your gorgeous girls 😊

Aww thank you. We didn't find out the gender we always wanted 3 children and that was that.. we loved the idea of them having more support between them through life . If I had had a son I would have seen him in the same way as my daughters.. my child who i will always love and adore x

OP posts:
Thethreegirls · 26/05/2023 16:19

I have 2 sisters and no brothers and I am from Indian background.
I remember whole of my childhood people asking me about my siblings and I telling them that we are 3 sisters and then them clarifying no brother?!
It's like I would remove brother from my sibling list!!!

Also my dad's brother has 5 daughters so we are like 8 cousin sisters in 2 families. You can imagine the gloom and doom that surrounded all of us!

In all of my family, us girls have done far far better than the boys and have been there for our parents, whenever needed. One of my sister and my cousins have managed to have successful careers in the same town where our/their parents live, so that they are always closer.

Now the same people who questioned all of our parents choices and independence we were given(even after being girls, the horror!), do not stop singing praises.

Now I am also having my first child(that too rainbow) , a girl, I am preparing myself to answer such people. I have had some passing comments but I am waiting for her to be out in the world before I start the war, lol!

I find girls far more compassionate and are closer to their parents, especially in South Asian context. They see their parents combating the prejudice, it makes them stronger too.

So don't worry about it and don't let the comments bother you. People are set in their ways and cannot see beyond what they have seen/experienced. It is on us to ensure our daughters are strong enough to stand up to such prejudices.

BQ91 · 26/05/2023 16:19

we have 2 daughters and when we found out the second was a girl my husband was delighted and told everyone at work, to which someone he knew said ‘oh I’m gutted for ya mate’!!

phoenixrosehere · 26/05/2023 16:21

windowsopen · 26/05/2023 15:00

I'm one of three girls, and two of us were very easy as teenagers, I'd say. Yes, we could be moody, but we never gave our parents reason to worry or despair. The third of us was probably more of a worry for a while, but that wasn't related to her being a girl. The idea that girls are worse as teens seems strange to me. It's largely down to up-bringing and fate/genetics/mental health. If anything, I'd worry more about the teen years with a son than a daughter.

YANBU to be annoyed. People should keep their negative opinions to themselves. In general, don't daughters tend to be more involved in their parents' lives than sons, more likely to visit, offer help, etc.? It seems to be the case, in my experience.

The idea that girls are worse as teens seems strange to me. It's largely down to up-bringing and fate/genetics/mental health. If anything, I'd worry more about the teen years with a son than a daughter.

Same. I’m one of two girls, dad hoped to try for a son, but mum wasn’t going through a third pregnancy due to having pre-eclampsia and us born 2 months prematurely. My sister and I did well in school, won awards, both have degrees, independent and successful. We were rarely ever in trouble, and parents could say that they didn’t really have to worry about us, who we were with, and who are friends were.

Meixo · 26/05/2023 16:26

I would only want girls, a daughter is your daughter for life as the saying goes.

Original poster
Hello55 · 26/05/2023 16:28

Bluebells1970 · 26/05/2023 14:21

I've got 3 DD's, all now young adults and adore having girls. They're very thoughtful and very close to me and each other. They remember birthdays, christmas, and have been a huge source of comfort since losing my Dad/their grandad earlier this year. We go for coffee, shopping days, spa days. Their Dad often mumbles that he feels left out of our bond.

However my 2nd baby was stillborn, and it put their sex into complete perspective - I didn't care what sex they were as long as they were born alive. And was quite vocal to anyone who dared ask if I'd wanted a boy. Incidentally my stillborn baby was a boy.

Aww going for coffee, shopping days, spa days sounds amazing :) thank you for sharing your experience. I am also so sorry to hear of your loss xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
Hello55 · 26/05/2023 16:30

Red0 · 26/05/2023 14:30

Probably not actual pity, but more joking like “good luck when they’re all teenagers!” kind of thing. I doubt anyone actually pities you for having 3 daughters so I would just take it in the manner it’s probably intended and laugh it off. If you’re happy having 3 daughters I’m not sure why you would care what others think anyway.

Because I don't like the idea of anyone feeling sorry for me.. as there's nothing 2 feel sorry about

OP posts:
Original poster
Hello55 · 26/05/2023 16:32

itsabigtree · 26/05/2023 14:36

I'd feel like I'd won the lottery with 3 girls!
Daughters are amazing.
You're happy about it, so don't let irrelevant people steal your joy.

Aww that's a good 1 to remember these people are irrelevant! Lol thank you x

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 26/05/2023 16:37

Meixo · 26/05/2023 16:26

I would only want girls, a daughter is your daughter for life as the saying goes.

Whereas I'm selling my lads on ebay at 18 🙄🙄

bittertwisted · 26/05/2023 16:38

What a ridiculous, and frankly insulting comment

No wonder young men's mental health is so bad

I am extremely close to my adult son, and his wonderful girlfriend

What would you do if you did have a boy? Send him back?

SleepingStandingUp · 26/05/2023 16:38

People should keep their negative opinions to themselves. In general, don't daughters tend to be more involved in their parents' lives than sons, more likely to visit, offer help, etc.? It seems to be the case, in my experience.

I mean do you even see the irony in that @windowsopen ?

Original poster
Hello55 · 26/05/2023 16:39

Moooooooooooooooooo · 26/05/2023 14:56

What other people think and say doesn’t matter.

Sit and think about it for a moment … no matter what the subject is, unless someone close has died/had an accident/is very ill, what difference is it going to make to your life? Will them saying things change your life? Will them thinking things change your life? No! Nothing will change. But YOU have to change the way you react. Simply realise none of it matters and then you’ll free yourself from all that worry and anxiety.

I love that thank you that's helped give perspective.. everyone's comments have I really appreciate them xx

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 26/05/2023 16:44

Ilovemycatalot · 26/05/2023 15:06

My parents had 2 girls and a boy. The boy (my brother ) never bothers with anyone and is only interested in what his wife wants. Me and my sister are close and always bother with my parents. I’ve seen this a lot with sons once they marry everything is about their partner and partners family. If you have a son you will just be the dreaded MIL that you read about on here so much. Very happy I have a dd.

What a shitty generalisation based on not liking your brother.
My mother in law has two boys, both sons are close to her in their own ways, she has great relationship with her grandkids and I love her to bits. She's a great mil with an excellent dil who has also had 3 sons. My husband is the lewdest example to show his lads about being a good adult son, and mil is a good example of being a decent mil.

KirstenBlest · 26/05/2023 16:48

Meixo · 26/05/2023 16:26

I would only want girls, a daughter is your daughter for life as the saying goes.

If you have sons, would you put them up for adoption?
What if your daughter decided she wanted to be a he?

SmashedApricot · 26/05/2023 16:49

Had this too . Sick of people saying oh what a shame another boy . Sister had a girl 2 weeks later and boy was my nose rubbed in it . People asking when I was going to try again for a girl .Nope . My niece is vile , son is loved by everybody so it all turned out ok in the end .

SleepingStandingUp · 26/05/2023 16:52

Squiblet · 26/05/2023 14:31

I'm a third girl. It really sucked for my parents, so I can see where the commenters are coming from tbh.

Why?

ToddlerIs2 · 26/05/2023 17:00

Meixo · 26/05/2023 16:26

I would only want girls, a daughter is your daughter for life as the saying goes.

Do you intend to find out the sex and then abort accordingly @Meixo ?

Red0 · 26/05/2023 17:02

Hello55 · 26/05/2023 16:30

Because I don't like the idea of anyone feeling sorry for me.. as there's nothing 2 feel sorry about

Show quote history

I honestly don’t think anyone will be feeling sorry for you.

MwahHaHa · 26/05/2023 17:04

Red0 · 26/05/2023 17:02

I honestly don’t think anyone will be feeling sorry for you.

Show quote history

You're very wrong about that.

3sthemagicnumber · 26/05/2023 17:05

DontTouchMyMug · 26/05/2023 15:58

I do sometimes comment to twins. I just think they seem so wonderful and special 💕 (and I know how hard it was to look after just one baby at a time) it's a mixture of wonder and awe and just their cuteness.

I always liked those types of comments! Smile And I do it myself now sometimes too. When you haven't obviously got twins anymore (because they're not with you, or in my case they look nothing alike), you feel a kind of urge to identify yourself to your fellow twin parents with their buggies sometimes.

It was just the crazy/thoughtless ones - or the people who try to engage with you when one or both of them are starting to cry etc.

frazzledasarock · 26/05/2023 17:05

@Red0 OP says she is getting pitying comments. Why do you think you know better?