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Original poster

It's bothering me that some people appear to be pitying me because I have 3 girls

209 replies

Hello55 · 26/05/2023 11:55

I had my 3rd girl last year and i hate that during this time a few people have made comments like they are pitying me for having 3 girls. I love them they are my world. It bothers me how dare they? Anyone else experienced this and how have you stopped it bothering you? I'm trying not to let what other people think bother me but I can't help it sometimes and it eats away at me. What can I do? For background I am Asian and traditionally boys are more favoured by people. Have had the odd comment from people from other backgrounds.. 1 person from a white background asking if we would try for a boy!

Also since having my 3rd i have become more conscious about things down the line when they get older.. i worry for them as it is a scary world we live in. Anyone else do this and how do you deal with it?

AIBU for letting peoples comments bother me and also having these future worries?

Tia X

OP posts:
SunnySaturdayMorning · 26/05/2023 11:58

I have two girls. When I was pregnant I had lots of comments along the lines of “oh you’ll want a boy so you have one of each”.

Nope! Was definitely hoping for another girl and thankfully I had another girl so I feel like I’ve won the lottery 😊

Just ignore the comments. People judge for everything. I’m also not worried for the future, people just like to catastrophise.

MwahHaHa · 26/05/2023 11:59

They do the same when you have 3 boys. People are idiots, ignore them.

Magssss · 26/05/2023 12:01

I have 4 boys and I think it might be even worse this way round tbh, ppl especially seem to think that having all boys must be a terrible fate! It’s very sad

MrsSamR · 26/05/2023 12:02

I also have 2 girls and was told by my MIL when my second was literally a couple of weeks old "I think a boy next." Umm nope. I wanted 2 girls and I got them. Absolutely delighted with my lot.

DontTouchMyMug · 26/05/2023 12:07

People are honestly weird about baby's sex. You see threads on here all the time where people are gutted about having a particular sex (99% a boy).

I had one of each and then a 3rd baby. People were absolutely shocked I would have a 3rd when I had one of each already... Like why would I possibly want another child. So weird!

As for the worrying - can't help you there. I just try to put things into perspective. I've had a good happy life, so has DH. My children have a stable loving family in a relatively safe country. A bit of adversity is normal in life. They will almost certainly be fine. The urge to lock them up forever and keep them close to protect them from the world is strong though!

Mynotsoperfectlittlefamily · 26/05/2023 12:08

It can be infuriating I'm having my 4th boy and there is so much pity from people and oh no's. Some were adamant that it would be a girl, some are still saying that we might be lucky and they made a mistake with the sex (which did happen with the 2nd). No one will accept that we are happy with boys 🤷🏻‍♀️

Moomoo36 · 26/05/2023 12:18

I have three girls and am pregnant with my fourth baby. People assume we are trying for a boy but secretly I really want another girl and was delighted when my last three were all girls.

There seems to be an idea that the only acceptable family is 2 children of different sexes born 2 years apart. Ive got my girl gang with weird age gaps and couldn't be happier!

Bumpitybumper · 26/05/2023 12:18

Ah now you're straying into very controversial MN territory about whether males and females are intrinsically different and therefore if having a daughter or son is likely to have a material impact on your life.

I firmly believe male and females are inherently different so I think raising three girls will be fundamentally different than raising three boys or a mix of the sexes. Not necessarily better or worse but probably different. I do also think that women tend to lean towards wanting a daughter and men towards a boy. I think this is because people often think that they will have more in common with a child of the same sex and will find it easier to raise them as they can draw more on their own experience of being a child of that sex. So often people commenting on three girls will be assuming that the father is a bit disappointed. Of course this isn't always the case and plenty of families are delighted with children of the same sex but I definitely have some friends that would have chosen the opposite sex child if they had total control at the point of conception.

Buddythecat1 · 26/05/2023 12:19

I pity myself having 3 girls 😂 I'm dreading the teenage years. I suspect people's recation would be much the same with 3 boys

MargotBamborough · 26/05/2023 12:20

YANBU.

Congratulations on having three lovely girls.

I am lucky enough to have one of each but if my second child had been the same sex as my first I would have been perfectly happy to have two healthy children.

I also worry about what kind of world I have brought my children into.

FlounderingFruitcake · 26/05/2023 12:21

People are really weird about this. I have one of each and apparently that’s the gold standard and it’s all ‘you won’t need to have a third now’, like it’s some sort of weird card game where you only go back in for another round if you haven’t completed the set yet.

RaceToTheMiddle · 26/05/2023 12:24

Have 3 girls ranging from 3yrs -14
Honestly I have never had comments like that.

Also I don’t worry on behalf of them.. yes the world can be a scary place. But it is what you make it.
I have raised mine to be positive, see the good in things, be friendly, work hard etc… they look forward to things as do I, rather than be worried x

MargotBamborough · 26/05/2023 12:26

FlounderingFruitcake · 26/05/2023 12:21

People are really weird about this. I have one of each and apparently that’s the gold standard and it’s all ‘you won’t need to have a third now’, like it’s some sort of weird card game where you only go back in for another round if you haven’t completed the set yet.

When my husband and I were discussing whether we would ever have a third, he said he'd be more likely to want a third if we already had two of the same sex, whereas I said the opposite. I wouldn't want to have three boys and for the second and third to wonder whether we were disappointed that they hadn't been girls, whereas if we already had a boy and a girl and then had a third, it would be because we just wanted a third child.

We probably won't have a third but if we did I don't think I would find out the sex beforehand either. (We did both times with our two.) We have a girl name that we didn't use and a boy name that we didn't use, and a third child would really just be a bonus child, so we'd be delighted either way.

LakeTiticaca · 26/05/2023 12:27

Magssss · 26/05/2023 12:01

I have 4 boys and I think it might be even worse this way round tbh, ppl especially seem to think that having all boys must be a terrible fate! It’s very sad

I'm a 4 boy mum as well . Always got comments like " oh thats a shame"
"Were you trying for a girl " etc.
I'm pleased to say that despite the fact every day was fight day when they were kids, they all grew up to be responsible working men and all get on well together 😀

ParentsTrapped · 26/05/2023 12:28

People always assume that most people want a mix but who cares really.

There are also a lot of people who seem to think that boys are awful and would massively envy you. A friend of mine literally said to me that she was too scared to have another child in case it was a boy.

(I have one of each but at the time had just a boy and was mortally offended by that as quite obviouslh he was the best child on earth!)

creditcrunch2023 · 26/05/2023 12:38

The preference for boys is deeply entrenched in Asian and many other cultures and I don't see it changing anytime soon. Boys are seen as an asset and girls as a liability, hence the pity. I think you probably know this.

Sleepthief · 26/05/2023 12:39

When my niece's mum was expecting baby no.2 DN used to response to 'are you hoping for a brother or sister?' with 'I don't mind what it is, as long as it's a healthy girl!' 🤣

Another mum of x4 boys here, from 9-18. People used to ask silly questions like 'were you trying for a girl?' when they were little, but no one has for ages - or maybe I'm just not listening anymore 🤷‍♀️ I actually think people often speak simply to fill the silence, without any real thought about what they're saying...

Pinkea · 26/05/2023 12:43

Same here - 3 boys! In fact I’d say probably worse for me to be honest, as everyone thinks women want girls and men want boys.
Never understood ‘lucky enough to have one of each’ either, eh? Why are you lucky?

Holly60 · 26/05/2023 12:44

I feel so lucky to have one of each but im sure I'd feel lucky to have all the same, too.

I do think most people assume one of each or a mix is the ideal. But in reality surely everyone just loves the children they have

MargotBamborough · 26/05/2023 12:46

Pinkea · 26/05/2023 12:43

Same here - 3 boys! In fact I’d say probably worse for me to be honest, as everyone thinks women want girls and men want boys.
Never understood ‘lucky enough to have one of each’ either, eh? Why are you lucky?

Lucky enough to not have to deal with these kinds of comments, at least!

Daffodilmorning · 26/05/2023 12:47

I have two boys and when I was pregnant so many people assumed I wanted a girl… I genuinely wasn’t bothered.

My existing little boy was (and still is) an absolute joy and I was pretty sure my next child would be great, regardless of gender (and he is!).

The only person to comment after he was born was my DH’s grandad who asked if I’d try again to have someone to shop for dresses with 🙄.

Ignore anyone who comments OP. We all have the perfect children for us, and that’s because they are ours!

SleepingStandingUp · 26/05/2023 12:49

Opposite here as I have three boys. I jsut reply with positivity.

"Ooh 3 boys eh, hard work! "
"yeah, they're amazing"

"you gonna try for a girl?"
"why??? My boys are awesome"

Etc.

Or just be direct. Ask they why
"oh no 3 girls, you poor thing"
Why?
"well 3 girls, I just pity you"
"why?"
"well you know..."
"nope, what?"

They'll learn to back off

SleepingStandingUp · 26/05/2023 12:51

Holly60 · 26/05/2023 12:44

I feel so lucky to have one of each but im sure I'd feel lucky to have all the same, too.

I do think most people assume one of each or a mix is the ideal. But in reality surely everyone just loves the children they have

So your just lucky to have your kids.

Next time someone asks you their sex, and yo u say "lucky to have one of each" just think what that tells everyone. I know it's never ill meant but "one of each, so lucky to have such great kids" is fine

Original poster
Hello55 · 26/05/2023 12:59

creditcrunch2023 · 26/05/2023 12:38

The preference for boys is deeply entrenched in Asian and many other cultures and I don't see it changing anytime soon. Boys are seen as an asset and girls as a liability, hence the pity. I think you probably know this.

Yes I am aware of this and find it absolutely disgusting, what they don't quite realise is a lot of them the older generation who think like this say that they realise its actually girls that stick by them when they are older opposed to boys!

OP posts:
vanimal · 26/05/2023 13:00

I am also Asian with 3 girls (and no boys) - I had these comments when my daughters were born, but now they are teens and everyone thinks they are great as they have got to know them as people.

I have had the odd comment from mums of boys, more around their own expectations that their sons will bring a wife home and will support them in old age etc, but I always counter that by saying how close my girls are to me, and how they will always look out for me, whereas a son is more likely to move out with his wife, and then get on with his own life.

I can confirm that having 3 daughters is amazing, please do ignore them and enjoy it!

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