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Original poster

To think that I am not being transphobic

218 replies

Ijustneedtime · 25/05/2023 13:42

Few weeks ago my DB told me out the blue that she started hormone therapy to become a female.
It was a shock. She is 30 yo and married to a woman, i was 100% not expecting that.
I have many questions, but i reacted in the most positive way, showing support and understanding.
But there are a lot of things i am not ready for. I am not ready to tell this to my kids. I am not ready to tell this to husband and his family because i know they will not understand. I am not ready to go against my parents to fight for this.
I know i could be better, but from a certain perspective i am still digesting everything. I occasionally still use her old name, or use the masculine. I am not ready to call her Sister.
I am struggling and while she is followed by therapists and support, i am by myself with no one to talk to.

She wrote me a messagge yesterday saying how disappointed she was by me. That my support was fake. That i am a transphobic person and i just want to give this fake nice appearance, and i am the worst disappointment.

I just need time. Or maybe i am really that bad and cannot admit it?

OP posts:
Boltonb · 25/05/2023 14:00

I’d tell him to grow up and stop being so fucking rude to me. If he’s wanting you to go against your parents etc, they’re clearly not supportive of what he’s doing. Therefore he’s using you as an easy punch bag, because you ARE supporting him in many ways.

He’s taking out his frustrations on you, which is unfair and selfish. Tell him to leave you out of all of it is he’s going to be a dick about it all

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 25/05/2023 14:00

There seems to be no room for questions, thoughts or even growth for some people in the trans community.

There doesn't seem to be any grey area, you are either instantly onboard, no questions asked, or you are a raging transphobe.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with the narrative they have written for you.

Are you in the position financially where you could speak to a third party?

Original poster
Ijustneedtime · 25/05/2023 14:00

My kids are 3 and 5 yo and they know her as Uncle J.

I think she is dissappointed by the fact that i am not ready to talk about it with my DH and my family. But honestly it touches me so closely, I don't know how to process it.

Our parents have temporarely stop contact and don't want to talk about it.

OP posts:
TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 25/05/2023 14:01

Tell them that you now identify as an only child.

peachicecream · 25/05/2023 14:02

There is a sort of grieving process when someone you are close to announces they are trans. That is valid and you are not being dismissive or unsupportive, it's just a big change to process. I think you have to balance supporting her with your own feelings of loss. Perhaps talk to a counsellor if you are able to?

Beowulfa · 25/05/2023 14:02

Your sister-in-law and their children are the ones who need support.

Be mindful that EVERYTHING is transphobic; reality, biology, womens rights, saying No to men. So you may have to get used to the label. I can certainly live with it.

mumda · 25/05/2023 14:03

Testina · 25/05/2023 13:54

If they can declare your support fake, then you clearly have shown support.
Therefore, they can get to fuck, frankly.

I would reply, “I can’t control how you interpret my support.” and leave it therefore. Don’t argue back - you don’t need to. It may be part of their personal narrative to decide the whole family is against them and you get caught in the that. Step away.

And yes, I’m using they/their deliberately, not to avoid saying he/him but to avoid saying she/her.

And certainly don't ask if it's their time of the month.

Testina · 25/05/2023 14:03

Ijustneedtime · 25/05/2023 14:00

My kids are 3 and 5 yo and they know her as Uncle J.

I think she is dissappointed by the fact that i am not ready to talk about it with my DH and my family. But honestly it touches me so closely, I don't know how to process it.

Our parents have temporarely stop contact and don't want to talk about it.

Reading between the lines - are they expecting you to cut contact with your parents in solidarity?

mn29 · 25/05/2023 14:03

I’d tell your kids and H. Both my kids (teenagers) have trans girls in their year groups at school who they initially knew as boys throughout primary school. They just came home and said ‘x is a girl now, her name is y’ and they honestly haven’t batted an eyelid, just started using the female pronouns. Although a bit different maybe with a family member, I think it’s less of a big deal to the younger generations. It does sound like you’re being supportive, I’d just reiterate the message to your sibling that it’s taking time for you to come to terms with but you are trying to be as supportive as possible.

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 25/05/2023 14:05

How are you supposed to explain this to a 3 and 5 year old, when you haven't even wrapped your head around it yet yourself?

Take your time.

Are you worried that your husband will react negatively?

crosstalk · 25/05/2023 14:05

Did she mention how her wife feels about it? Or is it all about the transitioning one? Clearly it's a major step for your family member and hormones make most people highly emotional. You say you just need time to digest it - I'd just take a step back for a bit. Say you regret she feels this way, that you will always be there to talk to, but that just as it's a major thing for her it is also in a different way for you (and her wife).

Damnspot · 25/05/2023 14:07

I would have told my dh immediately and we'd have marvelled and rolled our eyes together! I think you should tell him. If you think he will be transphobic them tell your DB to write to him, not you.

usernother · 25/05/2023 14:08

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This post has been removed as the content wasn't civil.

I agree with this

IAmAnIdiot123 · 25/05/2023 14:08

This is the problem with transactivists, needs to be all or nothing straight away, nothing else will do and no allowances are given to the people not transitioning.

LadyMary50 · 25/05/2023 14:10

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LittleMG · 25/05/2023 14:11

Op I think you should tell your husband, are u worried he’ll make a fuss about it?

TastesLikeStrawberriesOnASummerEvening · 25/05/2023 14:11

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Absolutely this.

bibbityboppityboo · 25/05/2023 14:11

Your children are still so young!

Your support (if that's what you want to do in this situation) can be anything you're willing to do. They don't get to hold you to whatever standards of support they've assumed they're due!

Honestly, I think your young children and DH don't need to be involved in all of this at the moment, it's whatever they want to do at the moment - there's no need for it to be a huge family drama / teachable moment.

Your brother is allowed to decide whatever they want to do with their life, but they don't get to dictate your reactions / how you deal with the news. A few weeks is still so soon as well! Take whatever time you need and react however you want. They're not owed your support, or whatever performative support they're expecting.

ArabeIIaScott · 25/05/2023 14:11

She wrote me a messagge yesterday saying how disappointed she was by me. That my support was fake. That i am a transphobic person and i just want to give this fake nice appearance, and i am the worst disappointment.

This is emotionally manipulative bullshit. OP, you don't have to accept these attempts to make you feel bad.

Doyoumind · 25/05/2023 14:12

On the off chance you're posting in good faith, let me tell you that if you simply woke up this morning it's probably enough to be labelled transphobic nowadays.

No one should compel you to do something that doesn't align with your own values.

Calling someone transphobic for not doing things as they want is manipulation and blackmail.

TinaYouFatLard · 25/05/2023 14:13

I would tell him that he is not the centre of the fucking universe and that you are a real human being with feelings and not a side character in his attention-seeking drama. I would ask what support his wife is receiving and trying to make sure she isn’t being coerced into accepting this situation under accusations of transphobia too.

I would under no circumstances, tell my DC that Uncle J is a woman. That is not the truth.

LadyMary50 · 25/05/2023 14:17

TinaYouFatLard · 25/05/2023 14:13

I would tell him that he is not the centre of the fucking universe and that you are a real human being with feelings and not a side character in his attention-seeking drama. I would ask what support his wife is receiving and trying to make sure she isn’t being coerced into accepting this situation under accusations of transphobia too.

I would under no circumstances, tell my DC that Uncle J is a woman. That is not the truth.

Totally agree.I’m also pleased to see you didn’t call him she.All the posters on here calling him she,it’s fucking ridiculous.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 25/05/2023 14:18

OP, it is NEVER enough.

it’s your SIL who needs ( and might actually appreciate) some support.

As for your very small children, I’d just keep them out of it.

TastesLikeStrawberriesOnASummerEvening · 25/05/2023 14:20

Yeah, I wouldn't be getting my young kids involved either, at least not right now when your brother is being manipulative which will never end