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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that I am not being transphobic

218 replies

Ijustneedtime · 25/05/2023 13:42

Few weeks ago my DB told me out the blue that she started hormone therapy to become a female.
It was a shock. She is 30 yo and married to a woman, i was 100% not expecting that.
I have many questions, but i reacted in the most positive way, showing support and understanding.
But there are a lot of things i am not ready for. I am not ready to tell this to my kids. I am not ready to tell this to husband and his family because i know they will not understand. I am not ready to go against my parents to fight for this.
I know i could be better, but from a certain perspective i am still digesting everything. I occasionally still use her old name, or use the masculine. I am not ready to call her Sister.
I am struggling and while she is followed by therapists and support, i am by myself with no one to talk to.

She wrote me a messagge yesterday saying how disappointed she was by me. That my support was fake. That i am a transphobic person and i just want to give this fake nice appearance, and i am the worst disappointment.

I just need time. Or maybe i am really that bad and cannot admit it?

OP posts:
loislovesstewie · 25/05/2023 15:02

No one changes sex. The words woman /she/ her are used to denote females. The brother cannot become female. Using those words is taking part in a delusion.

windowsopen · 25/05/2023 15:02

Typical. It's all about him and how he feels, what he needs, etc. Never pausing to consider that this is a shocking (and honestly, typically quite unwelcome) change in your own life. He's trying to force you to take sides against your parents? He wants to dictate how you handle things with your own husband and young children? He's utterly selfish. Fake support? He's lucky you're offering any support at all, tbh.

DollyParkin · 25/05/2023 15:03

She wrote me a messagge yesterday saying how disappointed she was by me. That my support was fake. That i am a transphobic person and i just want to give this fake nice appearance, and i am the worst disappointment.

Sorry @Ijustneedtime but your brother sounds like a narcissist, or in need of immediate and emergency psychological therapy. That is entirely unreasonable to write to you. YANBU.

It is unacceptable for your brother to try to force you to rethink your whole family life & history; and I can't even imagine what his poor wife & children are going through. He's trying to coerce you all into disbelieving and discounting your own lived experiences. It's outrageous.

What a selfish selfish man.

Men can't become women. If he finds that social stereotypes and expectations of masculinity - gender roles - are too much for him, he can become a brave pioneer to change things, as women have done for a couple of centuries, and as some men are finally starting to do nowadays. I can fully understand how a man might find some aspects of masculinity just too much or very unsympathetic but that doesn't mean he's a woman.

Good luck, but I think your brother is making his loyalties very clear - and they are not to you or his family. You might find some support in the Transwidows threads in FWR.

MariaVT65 · 25/05/2023 15:04

My honest opinion here is that people maybe be more inclined to disagree with the trans movement because of how agressive it is, or the agressive attitude of some individuals, such as OP’s DB.

I worked with a lovely transwoman years ago. Do I believe someone can change sex? Not really. But this lady was lovely and what was great was that she also openly talked about her life as a man and her marriage etc.

If someone hasn’t had much experience like this with trans people they meet, or only know what they see on social media, then this is why people may be more hesitant.

I also completely acknowledge there is a difference between my experience with a lovely colleague who had already transitioned, and the OP’s experience here of mourning the loss of her brother and dealing with what is told to little kids.

VestaTilley · 25/05/2023 15:09

YANBU. Transphobia is a word that’s lost all meaning. It’s just a way to try and shut up women who express any form of opinion or boundary.

It’s all nonsense as well- autogynephilia and self loathing gay men and lesbians. It’s very sad, but you do not have to play along.

Helleofabore · 25/05/2023 15:10

Damnspot · 25/05/2023 14:33

Would you? Do you have teens? They are perfectly likely to think you are a bigot and a dinosaur. If you are happy with that then fine but it's not quite as easy as you think.

I have a teen. And that teen has trans friends. We agree that no on changes sex. We also agree that young female people need a great deal of support and putting themselves into dangerous positions such as mixed sex facilities and sports is harmful.

I also tell my teen that I am campaigning to make sure that young female people receive the very best standard of health care and not what lobby groups deem is appropriate because male trans people have shaped the message for so long that people don't realise the extreme negative life implications of female transition.

I also tell my teen that women and girls are still discriminated against and that just because some female teenagers feel that they are not belonging to feminism, feminists are still working for the collective needs of ALL female people and their future.

My teen told me I was bigoted and was a dinosaur. I told them that that is fine, I am not here to be their friend but to be their mother, but that I will treat their friends with respect and welcome them into my house. And I will work regardless of my teen's opinion to ensure that the needs of all female people are considered in policy, in law for their health, their safety and their well being.

TastesLikeStrawberriesOnASummerEvening · 25/05/2023 15:14

Helleofabore · 25/05/2023 15:10

I have a teen. And that teen has trans friends. We agree that no on changes sex. We also agree that young female people need a great deal of support and putting themselves into dangerous positions such as mixed sex facilities and sports is harmful.

I also tell my teen that I am campaigning to make sure that young female people receive the very best standard of health care and not what lobby groups deem is appropriate because male trans people have shaped the message for so long that people don't realise the extreme negative life implications of female transition.

I also tell my teen that women and girls are still discriminated against and that just because some female teenagers feel that they are not belonging to feminism, feminists are still working for the collective needs of ALL female people and their future.

My teen told me I was bigoted and was a dinosaur. I told them that that is fine, I am not here to be their friend but to be their mother, but that I will treat their friends with respect and welcome them into my house. And I will work regardless of my teen's opinion to ensure that the needs of all female people are considered in policy, in law for their health, their safety and their well being.

Yes this, much fuller answer than mine.
Dd has her own home now, she lives her life and I'll live mine putting women first, all her friends including the trans ones were welcome here when she lived here of course, I liked them all, wasn't going to pretend they'd change sex though, and tbf I was never asked to.

Rinkydinkydoodle · 25/05/2023 15:15

YetAnotherSpartacus · 25/05/2023 14:58

Like other PPs, I’d say there’s no real percentage in keeping it a secret. You are entitled to love and support your sister as you see fit, and no-one gets to say otherwise.

The OP and anyone else in her situation is also entitled to the belief that her sibling is not her sister too if they so choose.

I agree. The OP wrote DB and she, I used sister where I should have written sibling; it didn’t occur to me until you posted that the word sister would be read as a form of pressure or judgement. I have a lot of sympathy for OP, it’s a hard situation to be placed in.

loislovesstewie · 25/05/2023 15:16

For reference, I have met, professionally, several trans women. Two of them, at least, were clearly, very, very, disturbed. We were instructed not to place ourselves in unsafe situations with them. Both flew off the handle and became aggressive at the drop of the hat. The ones who quietly got on with life, OK, but not all are like that. IMHO many have other issues which impact on how they behave, and remember, they were adult men. Much bigger and stronger than me. Becoming female, as they thought, had not changed them for the better.

Coyoacan · 25/05/2023 15:18

What IS transphobic is the amount of responses stating “him” (etc) , it’s disgraceful. I pray no one close to those posters ever feels as if they are in the wrong body

Thank you for that prayer.

Chickenkeev · 25/05/2023 15:24

Ijustneedtime · 25/05/2023 13:42

Few weeks ago my DB told me out the blue that she started hormone therapy to become a female.
It was a shock. She is 30 yo and married to a woman, i was 100% not expecting that.
I have many questions, but i reacted in the most positive way, showing support and understanding.
But there are a lot of things i am not ready for. I am not ready to tell this to my kids. I am not ready to tell this to husband and his family because i know they will not understand. I am not ready to go against my parents to fight for this.
I know i could be better, but from a certain perspective i am still digesting everything. I occasionally still use her old name, or use the masculine. I am not ready to call her Sister.
I am struggling and while she is followed by therapists and support, i am by myself with no one to talk to.

She wrote me a messagge yesterday saying how disappointed she was by me. That my support was fake. That i am a transphobic person and i just want to give this fake nice appearance, and i am the worst disappointment.

I just need time. Or maybe i am really that bad and cannot admit it?

Yanbu for talking some time to process it. I really don't like the expectation that people should be all 'cool, ok, whatever' straight away. It's allowed to take a while to get your ahead around it.

Coyoacan · 25/05/2023 15:26

Much bigger and stronger than me. Becoming female, as they thought, had not changed them for the better

There is a detransitioner on twitter who was all set to get castrated in a week's time when two transexuals told him not to do it, that they just daily wanted to die.

It is things like that that make me say I never want anyone I love or hate to transition.

Helleofabore · 25/05/2023 15:33

Stompythedinosaur · 25/05/2023 14:41

I think it can be helpful to think about if your sibling had told you they were gay rather than trans.

Would it be ok if you sometimes said they were straight? If you wanted to keep it a secret, as if it were shameful? If you didn't want to support them when your parents didn't want to accept it?

That's how it will feel to them. I imagine they told you because they thought you would support them.

It is understandable that it is a shock to you, though. But I think there might be a way to have time to adjust without them feeling as though you are ashamed of who they are.

OP, being gay is not a good comparator here. Because being gay, bi or straight is not driven by a belief in something that is not materially true.

What is materially true is that your brother wishes to not be seen as a man. Your brother can only ever be their interpretation of what they believe a 'woman' is. Nothing more.

This is completely different to being someone who is gay. And a brother who is gay moves forward without demanding you rewrite your language, your perception of being a woman as well changing your perception of your history with them and the future you imagined with your brother.

This is a huge change for you and it is not simply a matter of 'accepting' your brother as being gay, bi or straight. This does impact you on many levels that you might not have ever considered such as your brother accessing female single sex spaces. A much greater change has been demanded of you than him coming out as being either gay or straight or bi.

HoldOnMiGenna · 25/05/2023 15:44

OP cut contact. It is obvious that your brother correctly sees you as the person in his life who is the easiest to manipulate in order become his Forever Support.

You have already discarded normal human reaction to hearing fuckry as possibly being "non supportive" to a manipulative person rather than a normal human instinct.

You are hiding salient information from your probably better boundary having husband , thus indirectly letting your brother affect your marriage whilst he has abused his wife and is prepared to, at the very least change all the dynamics of his marriage, including his children's lives in order to render a sex parahilia a legitimised reality .

Don't listen to the pick me women on this thread. They are on that same spectrum of woman who turn their head the other way when their fella abuses a family member. Not all women like being women outside of making sure to marshall other women and children into facilitating the worst of male intentions to our complete lack of benefit.. Transactivism manages to let the more urbane, usually White, if not, over educated or willing to appear so ,previously needing to be seen as feminist woman express her utter disregard for female dignity and hatred of children, whilst gaining do gooding points.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with cutting contact with a grown man who is obviously co morbidly personality disordered.

Your parents are far from the only ones who wisely do not see supporting infringing delusion and paraphilia as the axis upon which being good parents spins .

There is a reason why Transactivism comes for the education institutions,
Tertiary educated, liberal, Ctorporate LGB and White liberal/left endorsed Male Identified Black Activism.

Amongst each of these factions are a concentrated large amount people who want to belong to 'power", without being seen tas wanting to as this wouldn't skew with their "more rebel than those conservatives over there" messaging.

Don't fall for this Okey doke, OP. The world is full of people who have no relationship with a sibling , a child, a parent and for more benign reasons than getting kicks from imagining themselves as the opposite sex and demanding that everybody around them rewrites reality and then calling it "identity". The world still turns.

I would never permit my child to mentally abuse me and flinging the word "transphobia_" to make me comply would just make me quadruple down in my refusal. Much less a sibling.

Superdupes · 25/05/2023 15:49

Meh, this isn't someone who wants a sister OP, this is someone who wants a full time cheerleader. Nothing else will be enough.

Hillarious · 25/05/2023 16:01

I work with young people, many with autism and mental health issues and come across a disproportionate number of transmen and women. I would love to have a conversation with the transwomen to ask them what they understand about being a woman and what that means to them. it appears to be flowing skirts, long hair and make up. I don't want to challenge them, I just want to be able to have that conversation to try to understand them. But I know that as a woman of a certain age, with a feminist outlook I would just been seen as transphobic. I'm not. I'm here to help them and that's what I do.

TinaYouFatLard · 25/05/2023 16:04

In the words of a woman far wiser than me: I’d rather be rude than a fucking liar.

I would never tell my teens such nonsense as human beings can change sex. They can call me a bigot and a dinosaur all they like.

Zarataralara · 25/05/2023 16:11

You need time to adjust, just as you would with any big life changing event.
Your db needs to realise he is not the centre of the universe and not everyone immediately clicks into his way of thinking.
I’d tell him exactly this, it’s surprising news and you want/ need time to digest it.

Damnspot · 25/05/2023 16:28

Helleofabore · 25/05/2023 15:10

I have a teen. And that teen has trans friends. We agree that no on changes sex. We also agree that young female people need a great deal of support and putting themselves into dangerous positions such as mixed sex facilities and sports is harmful.

I also tell my teen that I am campaigning to make sure that young female people receive the very best standard of health care and not what lobby groups deem is appropriate because male trans people have shaped the message for so long that people don't realise the extreme negative life implications of female transition.

I also tell my teen that women and girls are still discriminated against and that just because some female teenagers feel that they are not belonging to feminism, feminists are still working for the collective needs of ALL female people and their future.

My teen told me I was bigoted and was a dinosaur. I told them that that is fine, I am not here to be their friend but to be their mother, but that I will treat their friends with respect and welcome them into my house. And I will work regardless of my teen's opinion to ensure that the needs of all female people are considered in policy, in law for their health, their safety and their well being.

Does she bring her trans friends back to the house?

Helleofabore · 25/05/2023 17:02

Damnspot · 25/05/2023 16:28

Does she bring her trans friends back to the house?

Yes. They sleep over too.

Their friends are welcome in our home. There is no issue. Why would there be?

Ijustneedtime · 25/05/2023 17:39

AliceOlive · 25/05/2023 13:55

A phobia is fear of something. Perhaps we should not demonize people for being afraid in this case. I think you certainly must have many fears around your brother doing this.

Yes, I am absolutely scared.
I am so scared for her future that it makes cry.

What is going to happen?
DB says SIL is supportive, but does she really understand what this will mean? Will they split? What will happen then next? Will DB find again a healthy relationship? Will she die alone? Will i have to support her?

And also i am angry

Angry that is coming so out of the blue
Angry that this is such a difficult topic that i do not find the courage to voice my doubts
Angry with the therapist that diagnosed him with gender disphoria
Angry that i will never have nephews
Angry that this is how it will go

OP posts:
Damnspot · 25/05/2023 17:45

Helleofabore · 25/05/2023 17:02

Yes. They sleep over too.

Their friends are welcome in our home. There is no issue. Why would there be?

I just wondered if you are happy to use the pronouns they would like or not.

Ijustneedtime · 25/05/2023 17:50

Damnspot · 25/05/2023 14:07

I would have told my dh immediately and we'd have marvelled and rolled our eyes together! I think you should tell him. If you think he will be transphobic them tell your DB to write to him, not you.

Yes i know he will react bad

OP posts:
Damnspot · 25/05/2023 17:53

You can't not tell him. Tell your dB that you are telling him, your dh will be freaked out but it's nothing to do with you and if db has a problem then they need to take it up with your dh

Doyoumind · 25/05/2023 17:55

Damnspot · 25/05/2023 14:49

Fuck me. I agree with the poster who said the OP may not be transphobic but this thread has sure attracted those who are.

Why do you think the thread was started in the first place?

Swipe left for the next trending thread