To think that I am not being transphobic

[Ijustneedtime]

Few weeks ago my DB told me out the blue that she started hormone therapy to become a female.
It was a shock. She is 30 yo and married to a woman, i was 100% not expecting that.
I have many questions, but i reacted in the most positive way, showing support and understanding.
But there are a lot of things i am not ready for. I am not ready to tell this to my kids. I am not ready to tell this to husband and his family because i know they will not understand. I am not ready to go against my parents to fight for this.
I know i could be better, but from a certain perspective i am still digesting everything. I occasionally still use her old name, or use the masculine. I am not ready to call her Sister.
I am struggling and while she is followed by therapists and support, i am by myself with no one to talk to.

She wrote me a messagge yesterday saying how disappointed she was by me. That my support was fake. That i am a transphobic person and i just want to give this fake nice appearance, and i am the worst disappointment.

I just need time. Or maybe i am really that bad and cannot admit it?

@Linning

I appreciate you sharing your experience. It was an insight for me into how it can feel to come out as a lesbian.

But I really don't think coming out with a sexuality is the same as a different gender. Lesbians are attracted to women. Trans people are trans AND have a sexuality like lesbian gay straight. They are different things

'Gender ideology denies the beautiful breadth of humanity. Within the sex binary, are billions of unique women & men, girls & boys.'

Beautifully expressed. Everyone is either male or female, but there are SO MANY ways to be a man or a woman, or a boy or a girl

Nah, I wouldn't want to play that game.

My brother has made a decision to gamble on the financial markets. I don't support it. I have expressed my concerns and have left it at that. He's not narcisisstically driven to involve me in cheerleading him along, and he respects my preference of not hearing what the next "big thing" in investments is going to be.

Equally, I could only handle my brother transitioning if it was understood that I'm in favour of mental support vs medical transitioning, that I won't be his carer if his self-harm ends up in disability and I'd rather not hear about any "big news" of the process and the details (as I find it horrifying). There's other stuff to talk about.

@PurpleBugz

They are definitely different things but to me they are extremely similar because both trans people and gay/bisexual folks (some of whom are trans) go through similar processes which are learning to accept parts of our identities (whether it’s our sexuality or gender identity), despite society so desperately wanting us to hate ourselves for it and to fit within what they consider the acceptable norm. We similarly face coming out and meeting often extremely harsh reactions or complete rejection (and in horrible cases violence) for just being who we are and learning to survive/live in a society that mainly wish we didn’t exist.

Being trans and being gay isn’t the same but there is a reason why trans people usually are and feel more welcomed within the queer community than in the overall straight and heteronormative society we all live in and it’s because we can relate to each other on many points. So usually our stories are a lot more similar (especially when it comes to the experience of coming out to people we care about and who have known us a while) than not.

Two lesbians wouldn’t have the same story either but would likely both relate to some aspects of being gay and feel completely opposite on other aspects of being gay based on their own personal experiences and what kind of lesbian they are/who they date/who they hang out with. Same goes for queer people and gay people I feel.

Queer & trans I meant to say at the end not queer & gay. *

@Linning

I see what you are saying. I just don't agree. Party because I don't believe in gender identity I believe in binary sex, whereas the existence of sexuality is irrefutable. To me gender is a harmful social construct and belief system not a universal truth. But mostly I disagree because a sexuality is a personal thing, something others may or may not accept about us but our sexuality doesn't affect or harm others . Gender identity and transgenderism I believe to be harmful to women and children and to be homophobic

@Linning Hmm. I don't think there's much love&understanding between lesbians and trans-women. In fact, LGB community generally seem to want their space back. Understandably so - it's a tenuous link at best between minority sexuality cause and that of people with body dysmorphia.

Indeed

For those reading who would like to understand this a bit better looking up 'cloth, ceiling' will be informative

So you made negative generalisations about mumsnetters? Well, of course that is not allowed. Just like no mumsnetter could make a negative generalisation about trans people or any group of people and not be deleted.

Why do you think people on this thread don’t care about the people in their life who have trans indentures?

Why can't he just be a swishy boy who likes wearing fairy wings? So many children who are now defined as trans are lesbian or gay. The staff at the Tavistock Clinic where so many of these children ended up used to make dark jokes about being employed to trans the gay away. Just because a boy likes fairy wings and frocks doesn't mean he's a girl.

It's so regressive and 1950s to think that if a child likes pink it must be a girl, and if a child likes riding a bike and climbing tree it must be a boy. How sexist and homophobic is that?

There are loads of different types and 'causes' of transgenderism. In older married men with kids it's almost always autogynephilia — a sexual thrill at the idea or image of themselves as women. These are the men lesbians are having to deal with in their social circles. In the case of boys liking dresses and girly things, it can sometimes/ often be that they're gay. In the case of adolescent girls identifying as boys, it's often autism, sexual abuse or the fear and discomfort of their bodily changes and becoming sexual objects in the eyes of half the population. It's a way of opting out of all the shit that girls are subjected to.

The best book on the subject is Trans by Helen Joyce: you'll learn a lot.

For those reading who would like to understand this a bit better looking up 'cloth, ceiling' will be informative

I think you mean 'cotton ceiling.'

Oops. Yea I did. Thanks for correcting

Same goes for queer people and gay people I feel.

Whenever I've asked what 'queer' means no one has been able to explain it to me. Can you? How would I know if I was queer? How do I know someone else is queer? What is it about them that's different?

More chance of people finding the information if they use 'cotton'!

This is an interesting read
https://4thwavenow.com/2017/12/07/gender-dysphoria-is-not-one-thing/

It's so regressive and 1950s to think that if a child likes pink it must be a girl, and if a child likes riding a bike and climbing tree it must be a boy. How sexist and homophobic is that?

As someone who spent part of my childhood in the 1950s and is well aware that that was the worst decade in the 20th century for women and girls, it was still downright progressive compared to the transagenda. I spent my entire childhood either up trees and playing football and I was never put down by anyone for doing that. According to the children's books that promote the transagenda, any girl that does stuff is really a boy.

No. no no no.

You can't tell small children that sometimes people change from men into women. That's not true, and you know that. We all know that. Even 5 year olds know that. Do not lie to your children. Lying about reality is not socially normalised for kids,no matter how much some people try and make it so.

He is not her sister, he is a man. He is her brother and always will be. He cannot ever become a woman.

She can tell her children the actual truth, that Uncle X wants to dress like a woman and pretend to be one, because it makes him happy. That is the reality.

'No. no no no.

You can't tell small children that sometimes people change from men into women. That's not true, and you know that. We all know that. Even 5 year olds know that. Do not lie to your children. Lying about reality is not socially normalised for kids,no matter how much some people try and make it so.'

Absolutely right. Well said

Lying about reality is not socially normalised for kids,no matter how much some people try and make it so.

Well apparently not. Apparently it is worthy of some kind of weird mockery or whatever to strive to maintain truth while navigating people’s feelings.

I have a little kid who has known ‘sometimes people change from a man to a woman or a woman to a man’ for so long I can’t remember when we first discussed it

How are you going to explain reproduction to this kid, when the time comes?

Lesbians and transwomen do not have similar stories, have nothing in common, and in fact are generally directly opposing each other, with TRA's trampling over lesbian rights.

A queer community that is loudly inclusive of TW is generally not very inclusive for lesbians, these days.

Does no one think that telling little kids that sometimes men change to be women might not distress them? Might the 5 year old not worry that suddenly his penis might disappear and he will become a girl? They don't have the ability to understand the reality of what is going on and could get the wrong idea. I can remember thinking all sorts of odd things at 4/5/6, because I just didn't have the ability to understand.

Some answers randomly:

The reason why I am Angry that is "out of the blue" is because...i am angry with myself! How the eck did i not notice any sign of this before? Surely there has been a long process in these years?

My DB does not have DC. DB and SIL married 2 years ago. DB says SIL knew about this before getting married.

What triggered DB message:

DB does not live close. DB knew that me and my family will be in her area in a couple of weeks and asked if we wanted to stop by.
I said i was not ready to include my family in this topic.
She made some esthetic changes in the last period (earrings, make up, hair removal) and I would have had to explain to my family before hand.
I don't know to approach the topic with them.

Not really getting this bit. You just tell them "My brother is dressing as a stereotypical woman and wants to be called X now, and referrred to as She. How do you feel about that?"

That's not the hard bit/