To think that I am not being transphobic

[Ijustneedtime]

Few weeks ago my DB told me out the blue that she started hormone therapy to become a female.
It was a shock. She is 30 yo and married to a woman, i was 100% not expecting that.
I have many questions, but i reacted in the most positive way, showing support and understanding.
But there are a lot of things i am not ready for. I am not ready to tell this to my kids. I am not ready to tell this to husband and his family because i know they will not understand. I am not ready to go against my parents to fight for this.
I know i could be better, but from a certain perspective i am still digesting everything. I occasionally still use her old name, or use the masculine. I am not ready to call her Sister.
I am struggling and while she is followed by therapists and support, i am by myself with no one to talk to.

She wrote me a messagge yesterday saying how disappointed she was by me. That my support was fake. That i am a transphobic person and i just want to give this fake nice appearance, and i am the worst disappointment.

I just need time. Or maybe i am really that bad and cannot admit it?

I've a 21yr old, yep, I told her just that because it's the truth.

@mn29

I hope you've told your teens that their friend cannot change their biological sex and therefore is not a girl but clearly someone with mental health problems.

Would you? Do you have teens? They are perfectly likely to think you are a bigot and a dinosaur. If you are happy with that then fine but it's not quite as easy as you think.

Not mine. My teens know perfectly well that you can't change sex, @Damnspot. And they are shit hot at supporting women's rights.

This with bells on. I'm another one that would follow your parents' example and walk away. The level of self-obsession, narcissism and (presumably) trans porn that has led to this sudden declaration is not something I'd want anything to do with. His poor wife.

I'd simply tell your sibling that they have had years to come to terms with how they feel and to decide to alter their body, life and relationships accordingly.

You have had a few weeks to try to digest this information, and will need more time to come to terms with how YOU feel about this change to your previous relationship and family dynamics, the effect on your children etc, because the ripple effect will take YEARS to settle !

It's entirely unrealistic for immediate support/acceptance to be forthcoming when you've all effectively been blindsided.

I'd also be very blunt about the 'entitled' attitude you've had from your efforts to support them. What do they expect ? For you to know how to 'support' them and what they need/want from you without any help or direction given ? and without their 'consideration' for how this also impacts you/your family ? I'm sorry, but that's simply an unattainable and completely unrealistic 'expectation' they have foisted upon you !

You need time and you need communication, all round. The whole family will need to communicate, and you will also need to 'grieve' for the brother/son/uncle you have all lost before you would be able to welcome the sister/daughter/aunt that has replaced them...

No one can change sex so that idea that a middle-aged long married bloke suddenly adopts some feminine accoutrements and calls himself a woman does not make it so.

This is why it’s such a challenge - he’s trying to change everyone else’s reality to fit his own. But real life isn’t The Matrix and so to everyone else he’s just some silly bloke prancing about pretending to be something he’s not. Some people take this really seriously and earnestly but quite frankly those of us who value honesty, integrity and trust in our relationships it’s asking the impossible.

I would say you support him in his mental health journey but you can’t rewrite history. Prioritise your boundaries and your own mental health too. And that of your children.

Rather than going on the defensive with any replies, could you say, “I’m sorry that’s how you feel. Can you help me to understand how I can be more supportive?”

They can then lay out the specifics. It’s not your job to try to make anyone else behave differently to your sibling, so if that’s what they ask, you can let them know that you’re offering your love and an ear to listen. You’re also very much allowed to take time to process the news, before you tell others.

Why are you hiding it ? Are you ashamed or are you thinking this is a fad that will go away ? Did you speak more in dept with her ?

Ugh I couldn’t be bothered to indulge this bollocks. Sex changes are impossible, he can’t be a female and I don’t believe in encouraging peoples delusions. I’d accept him being trans, same way I’d accept a sibling coming out as gay, but I’m not going to get drawn in to playing pretend with him.

As you mentioned your brother said they’re ‘starting to become a woman’ I’ll stick with referring to him as ‘he/him’ and your ‘brother’ as he obviously doesn’t think he’s arrived at ‘destination woman’ yet.

Are you afraid of your DH’s reaction? I don’t understand why you’re not telling him. What benefits does not sharing this info with your spouse help? As far as the kids are concerned, if they’re going to be seeing your brother anytime soon I’d just say that he’s maybe going to look different and has changed his name - and that grown ups sometime do this and like to express themselves by wearing different clothes but that it’s still uncle X. I’d not get into pronouns and I’d bristle if he started trying to give a 3 year old a lecture about it before discussing it with me.

Sounds like your brother wanted you to instantly put the flags out for him. No thought for how this reorientates your lifelong relationship. As someone else has said - how’s his wife? I’d be checking in on her - she might be going through absolute hell now.

Honestly, it’s just polite to give someone time to process this news. It’s obviously come out of absolutely nowhere for you.

I don’t think you’re being transphobic, OP. It’s great you recognise you can do better. This is going to be a tough journey for both parties.

What IS transphobic is the amount of responses stating “him” (etc) , it’s disgraceful. I pray no one close to those posters ever feels as if they are in the wrong body.

Mumsnet isn’t the best place to get true perspective on this, OP. The majority of comments will not help your relationship or understanding.

He’s showing you clearly that manipulative narcissism is now a major personality trait.

Believe him and back off, nothing you can do or say will ever be enough. Save yourself time and heartache.

As others have said his SIL will need some support, but she may still be in accepting wife mode right now.

Don’t ask him what support his wife is receiving to parent their children as their world falls apart. He doesn’t care. Ask her.

Your sibling is being unfair.

You'll understandably need time to process this.

You might not be transphobic but your post has seemingly attracted some attention from those who are.

'saying does not make it so'

He will never be female of course.

However, he regards himself as a woman now.

This is his identity... a matter about and for himself.

This is fine and he can take hormones to make him appear a little more feminine if he chooses. He can wear what he likes - call himself what he likes. The world should not mind about this at all.

On the other hand, he has been your brother for 30 years. You shared his boyhood! He has been and still is a man to you. You have long identified as sister to a brother.

You matter too.

Remember, he might identify as your sister ... but this is a relationship and so not all about him.

His wife is another matter again. (He can't make her identify as a lesbian.)

He is a married man with children ffs. Get real. 🙄

I think it can be helpful to think about if your sibling had told you they were gay rather than trans.

Would it be ok if you sometimes said they were straight? If you wanted to keep it a secret, as if it were shameful? If you didn't want to support them when your parents didn't want to accept it?

That's how it will feel to them. I imagine they told you because they thought you would support them.

It is understandable that it is a shock to you, though. But I think there might be a way to have time to adjust without them feeling as though you are ashamed of who they are.

I'm sorry, OP. I don't hate or fear transpeople but rather fear for them.

Cross-sex hormones are harmful and shorten their lives.

I would also be wary of telling children that it is possible to change sex, because it is a dangerous lie and children believe everything we say.

It’s great you recognise you can do better.

Wow.
OP you will never be able to validate him enough, or meet up to his expectations of how he should now be treated in untouchable Transland.
He is he. He’s a man, no man can become a woman, and no decent man would disrespect women this much. Such a predatory and troublesome ideology.

Just say your love is nothing to do with what se they are, but you aren’t interested in being attacked for who you are. Then let them come to you when they’ve simmered down.

Absolutely this!
Not a chance would I lie to my children and tell them to call their uncle, their aunt! I'd rather cut contact than do that.

If they feel they are in the wrong body they need psychological help, the OP doesn't need to be gaslighted or lie to her children to "do better", that's horrific involving children in a man's fetish.
WTF?

@Curiouspotatoze you expressed my feelings more effectively than I did.

You can literally only be born into your own body.
If someone feels they’ve been born into the ‘wrong’ body they need mental health support to accept reality.

Thank God a thinking grown up has turned up. Such internalised misogyny and pick-me male pleasing on this thread.