To think that I am not being transphobic

[Ijustneedtime]

Few weeks ago my DB told me out the blue that she started hormone therapy to become a female.
It was a shock. She is 30 yo and married to a woman, i was 100% not expecting that.
I have many questions, but i reacted in the most positive way, showing support and understanding.
But there are a lot of things i am not ready for. I am not ready to tell this to my kids. I am not ready to tell this to husband and his family because i know they will not understand. I am not ready to go against my parents to fight for this.
I know i could be better, but from a certain perspective i am still digesting everything. I occasionally still use her old name, or use the masculine. I am not ready to call her Sister.
I am struggling and while she is followed by therapists and support, i am by myself with no one to talk to.

She wrote me a messagge yesterday saying how disappointed she was by me. That my support was fake. That i am a transphobic person and i just want to give this fake nice appearance, and i am the worst disappointment.

I just need time. Or maybe i am really that bad and cannot admit it?

It's essential to communicate your struggles and emotions to your DB openly. Let her know that you are trying your best to be supportive, but that you also need time to process the situation fully. It's crucial to express your genuine intentions and feelings, emphasizing that you are committed to understanding and accepting her transition.

For the people saying "just pretend he said he was gay"

It is not the same!
Coming out as gay does not involve all the fears i have about the physical and mental healt impact of this life long journey she started.
Being gay would have not caused DP going no contact.
Being gay is easier to explain to a 5 years old.

Maybe for other people is the same, but this hit me completely differently.

Lesbians and transwomen do not have similar stories, have nothing in common, and in fact are generally directly opposing each other, with TRA's trampling over lesbian rights.

A queer community that is loudly inclusive of TW is generally not very inclusive for lesbians, these days.

Indeed — and an increasing number of gay men are protesting about being expected to enjoy having sex with women with vaginas who say they are men. LGB people are same-sex attracted. The TQ+ are mainly straight. Transpeople, particularly the older autogynephiles, are straight — ie, attracted to people of the opposite sex. It's homophobic to insist that LGB people have anything in common with, let alone would welcome a relationship with, a transperson.

The T attached themselves to the LGB without consent, following advice from a major legal company, Dentons, on how to to normalise transgender ideology. They advised finding a successful and respected lobby group and attaching to it. Here in the UK they found Stonewall.

https://www.spectator.co.uk/article/the-document-that-reveals-the-remarkable-tactics-of-trans-lobbyists/

Trans law center did a strategy document in 2021 about trans and racial justice issues.

static1.squarespace.com/static/5fd0f29d0d626c5fb471be74/t/61b13d00236e2f7f2dbb9a36/1639005441624/Transgender+Youth+and+the+Freedom+to+Be+Ourselves.pdf

this is the link to Denton’s. But it has been removed. It is in various archive sites.

www.iglyo.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/IGLYO_v3-1.pdf

You need to plug this link into an archive site.

So, OP, the fall out is because you were invited to visit your XDB with your family and refused because you were considering your DH and DCs reaction, but especially DH. That doesn't make you transphobic or unsupportive. Your XDB needs to be gently told that while you support her and are happy to listen to her, her decision will cause ructions in the family if you don't approach it slowly and carefully. She is probably in full flood of proudly coming out as trans with the help of trans media and trans therapy and doesn't want to hear people who don't give full acceptance. Just tell her you are happy to talk, you need time to process the change but does he really want to meet up with a reluctant DH?

Him. He's her brother. He can't change sex and she doesn't have to consent to, let alone support, going along with his change of identity.

Please stop this gaslighting insistence that the rest of the world should lie and go along with the pretence that people can change sex and that a brother can become a sister in order. We don't validate anorexics. We don't validate those who fall under the spell of cults. Here on Mumsnet women understand how coercion works and we're not falling for it. Not now, not ever.

I don’t know your brother, but the ‘signs’ are usually a complete rewrite of history. You should look (or don’t actually) at things like r/eggIRL - a complete phenomenon when mostly men suddenly, over the space of a month or 2 think they might be trans to suddenly ‘cracking’ and starting a transition when they were living very normal, unquestioning lives as men a few mere months before.

And it’s always absurd things like ‘realising I’m trans because I cried whilst watching the Notebook’, or the other end of scale (and very commonly) ‘viewing myself as the woman in x porn and being aroused by imagining being fucked (sissy porn)’.

I’m gender critical and I know that people can’t change sex, but what is transphobic and sadly we see on this thread is that trans people are automatically bad. They are regularly called liars, narcissists, fetishists, manipulators and threats to women. No doubt some are, but there’s an automatic assumption which we see often on MN.

Tell your DH Op, unless you see your DB on your own your DH is going to have to know in advance. I think you know he won't react well which is why you're putting it off. You can give support but how much is totally up to you, you're DB is unreasonable since you clearly had no idea he felt like this. I'd speak to your DP's and see how they're coping too

Instead of being angry with yourself because you did not notice any sign of this before - step back and try to consider it impersonally.

Is it possible that you didn't notice any signs, because there were no signs to notice?

That's not on this thread and nobody thinks trans people are automatically "bad". We aren't children.

Stick to the matter at point: this particular person is berating family members because they arent reacting as demanded and validating everything wanted immediately. Stop trying to shut people down from talking about that,

You keep saying LGB when you obviously mean LG. "LGB people are same-sex attracted" "It's homophobic to insist that LGB people have anything in common with, let alone would welcome a relationship with, a transperson."
Even by your own logic these sentences don't apply to bisexual people.

How common would it be for a woman to marry a man who had already indicated that he wanted to be trans? I really find it hard to believe that any would. So, I just don't believe that he was upfront with his wife from the beginning. 💂

Sorry not sure where that emoji came from!

I am as gender critical and they come and don't think that your sibling is behaving well, although maybe that's partially explained by your parents going NC?

But I don't think your husband and his family sound that great either. Are they really bigoted?

What? Of course bisexuals are same sex-attracted - just not exclusively so.

I quoted two sentences within a paragraph. The paragraph had additional context. It was referring to exclusive same-sex attraction. That was the point of what they were saying. I'm saying they were talking about gay and lesbian people and using the acronym LGB for that.

"It's homophobic to insist that LGB people have anything in common with, let alone would welcome a relationship with, a transperson." - Why??? This is pretty much saying the only people who could be interested in a trans person are other trans people.

Wow.
OP you will never be able to validate him enough, or meet up to his expectations of how he should now be treated in untouchable Transland.
He is he. He’s a man, no man can become a woman, and no decent man would disrespect women this much. Such a predatory and troublesome ideology.

This. 100%.