To think that I am not being transphobic

[Ijustneedtime]

Few weeks ago my DB told me out the blue that she started hormone therapy to become a female.
It was a shock. She is 30 yo and married to a woman, i was 100% not expecting that.
I have many questions, but i reacted in the most positive way, showing support and understanding.
But there are a lot of things i am not ready for. I am not ready to tell this to my kids. I am not ready to tell this to husband and his family because i know they will not understand. I am not ready to go against my parents to fight for this.
I know i could be better, but from a certain perspective i am still digesting everything. I occasionally still use her old name, or use the masculine. I am not ready to call her Sister.
I am struggling and while she is followed by therapists and support, i am by myself with no one to talk to.

She wrote me a messagge yesterday saying how disappointed she was by me. That my support was fake. That i am a transphobic person and i just want to give this fake nice appearance, and i am the worst disappointment.

I just need time. Or maybe i am really that bad and cannot admit it?

Well, people can't change sex, no matter how many hormones they take.

I'm sorry for your SIL - that must have been a huge shock.

I don't think you've been transphobic in any way. Your DB is being very U.

But they aren't "girls now" they are still boys 🙄 I don't understand why we're all pandering to this rubbish

I'd cut contact completely OP.

Cut the drama out of yours and your families life before it really begins.

Your DB sounds like an entitled, petulant Drama Queen.
I would tell him the world doesn't revolve around him. He had no right to speak to you like that.

I would never tell such young children that their yesterday's uncle is their today's aunt. I would rather tell my adult brother to piss off, I would tell my husband what's happening and I would support my SIL and her children the best I could

It took him fucking years to get his head around being transgender, I'll bet. Especially given he got married and had kids as a hetro man all those years.

But you are supposed to to be jumping for joy the nanosecond he announces it?

What, did he think you'd squeal that you always wanted a sister and now you can go dressing up as twins and painting each other's nails?

Seek out your SIL, out of anyone, she's the one that needs your support right now.

Tell him to stop being so self absorbed and maybe think of the effect he is having on others, in particular his poor wife.

If your brother has picked a woman’s name that also starts with ´J’ then the kids could switch to using just ´J’ (´Jay?’) instead of ´Uncle J’

Your DB is insane.

I wouldn't be at all surprised if it's MUCH harder to not exhibit any (likely unconscious) transphobic behaviour or feelings when you're dealing with it directly than in some hypothetical scenario.

In my head, I'm an open minded lefty happy with people living however they want, whatever's right for them no biggie. Eg, I absolutely LOVE Mae Martin. I'm slightly obsessed. They're super cool and I can totally get how they live is fully authentic to themselves (apologies for cringe language). I've watched pretty much everything there is on YouTube I'm such a fan.

But if my DB told me he was trans, tbh I would have a hard time believing it for a while. And that's just because what's hit you is a humungous shock and contrary to all the beliefs you have about who your DB is. It's like - who is this person? How have they been feeling all this time? Why have they lied (kept this secret) all this time? Is our whole relationship a lie? And to some extent you are losing your DB. Yes gaining a DS - but probably, I'd rather keep my DB I've grown up my whole life with if I had a straight up choice. It's really, really hard.

I guess the thing is why you don't want to tell your kids etc? What's behind that- the shock, or embarrassment, or fear? Maybe something telling could be happening there. Also, more practically, would your DB not do it themselves - I'd prob want that so they can frame it and control their narrative?

I'd say the question isn't really 'am I transphobic' (chances are you aren't) - it's - how do we get through this next period? What are the steps that will result in the right people knowing in a timely way, and everyone being happy about it?

Best of luck with it all - not an easy situation to navigate - a lot of 'baggage' all round I guess!

My sympathy op. A good friend has announced their transition to male and they took some short but there time building up to this. My reaction has been love and support and sympathy when they've struggled with his mums reaction. But then I noticed I'd been cut out, deemed not supportive enough because I just quietly got on trying to correct myself with about 30 years of memory attached to this 'dead name' that I seem to be not allowed to mourn even though time and again I am told that she is dead, its just him now.

I think it's hard to transition and to accept there are people who will support you, it's almost like they want to walk away from every connection to their former self. I've been dumped as part of 'her' life and I guess he doesn't care for me.

Will your teens or you be fine now with the mixed sex facilities and sports that come with this?
I'd be telling my teens that no one changes sex and they don't need to go along with this nonsense.

I'd be wanting to get together with his wife and find out how she feels about this, because she's the one who's really going to be suffering here. The brother is off on down his own merry rabbit hole.

This is a very useful and informative website: https://www.transwidowsvoices.org/our-voices

which tells the stories of the women whose husbands have done this.

There's a thread here on Mumsnet for women going through this experience:
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/4236287-trans-widows-escape-committee-5-and-so-it-continues

You should read it all, too, OP. It'll give you an idea of what it's all really about — and it's not about being born in the wrong body.

Hi OP, your post gives me the impression that your DB has a lot of anger and has quite quickly ‘lashed out’ at you. Labelling someone as transphobic in that way is a fairly extreme thing to do in my view.

I’d say cut ties and focus on your 2 young kids and family time until your DB can work through their issues and get some therapy.

This
I think he's being very unreasonable.
What he's doing would take most people a lot of time to adjust to , you are grieving the loss of a brother .

Thirded.

I would rather tell my adult brother to piss off, I would tell my husband what's happening and I would support my SIL and her children the best I could

Me too.

This must be so hard, I feel for you and the family members impacted by this.

Humans can't change sex. Your male sibling aka brother, will never be female. And actually, I find it incredibly offensive and derranging that we're all meant to pretend otherwise.

He can live as he pleases, as long as he isn't hurting anyone (I hope he doesn't use women only spaces).

But you aren't his support human, designed to unthinkingly clap along with whatever he does and if he had any empathy for you he would realise that.

As others have said, everything is tranphobic. Whatever you do will never be enough. Do what you need to do to keep your sanity and protect your children from the lie that uncle is now auntie.

YANBU - it’s a huge announcement from out of nowhere and you’ve had no time to get used to it, whereas your brother has presumably had years.

You sound very understanding and your brother comes across as pretty self-absorbed and unnecessarily defensive / accusatory. When people claim things like this are evidence of ‘transphobia’ when there’s every effort to be inclusive & accepting and there’s no hate, fear or intolerance involved, it makes an absolute mockery of what genuine transphobia entails.

This is a terrible attitude. So dangerous. This needs to stop now. No one can just change to a boy or a girl!

Exactly this! Surely we should be pointing this out to our children rather than perpetuating the lie that humans can just change sex?!

Would you? Do you have teens? They are perfectly likely to think you are a bigot and a dinosaur. If you are happy with that then fine but it's not quite as easy as you think.

No amount of hormone “therapy” can make a male person female, that ship sailed for your brother at the moment of conception.
Hormones may make him grow some breast tissue, and his skin may change slightly, but that is all. He won’t be a female. Even if he gets castrated he won’t be female, he will be a castrated male.

Your brother is being a narcissist and self indulgent.

You have clearly done as much as you can.

You now need to assert clear boundaries.

Remind him of what you have done to support him. Tell him that you will not accept him abusing or attacking you.

Respect absolutely does go both ways.

I would reply back to reiterate your support and to ask them to cut you some slack while you adjust to information they’ve had a lot longer to digest. Ask them what specifically they would like you to do to support them.