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Original poster

To think that I am not being transphobic

218 replies

Ijustneedtime · 25/05/2023 13:42

Few weeks ago my DB told me out the blue that she started hormone therapy to become a female.
It was a shock. She is 30 yo and married to a woman, i was 100% not expecting that.
I have many questions, but i reacted in the most positive way, showing support and understanding.
But there are a lot of things i am not ready for. I am not ready to tell this to my kids. I am not ready to tell this to husband and his family because i know they will not understand. I am not ready to go against my parents to fight for this.
I know i could be better, but from a certain perspective i am still digesting everything. I occasionally still use her old name, or use the masculine. I am not ready to call her Sister.
I am struggling and while she is followed by therapists and support, i am by myself with no one to talk to.

She wrote me a messagge yesterday saying how disappointed she was by me. That my support was fake. That i am a transphobic person and i just want to give this fake nice appearance, and i am the worst disappointment.

I just need time. Or maybe i am really that bad and cannot admit it?

OP posts:
Starhead69 · 25/05/2023 13:46

From what you have said I can’t see Amy transphobic behaviour. Like you say you are digesting it, your DB has taken until 30 to come to terms with this, you are allowed time as well

Thatsplentyjack · 25/05/2023 13:47

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CruCru · 25/05/2023 13:48

It sounds as though you’ve been really supportive. I wonder if your sibling is so invested in their transitioning, they have got into the habit of only thinking about themselves. You are a person in your own right, not a bit player in someone else’s life.

To say that someone is transphobic means that they either hate or fear trans people. Not immediately jumping to exactly your sibling’s way of thinking does not mean you are transphobic.

Starhead69 · 25/05/2023 13:49

Starhead69 · 25/05/2023 13:46

From what you have said I can’t see Amy transphobic behaviour. Like you say you are digesting it, your DB has taken until 30 to come to terms with this, you are allowed time as well

any not Amy

PoshCoffee · 25/05/2023 13:50

Tell your DB you live him and support however he wishes to live his life but being a woman is more than taking hormones. Respect cuts both ways.

Xrays · 25/05/2023 13:51

I don’t think you’re being transphobic but I don’t think you need to keep it a secret from your dc and dh. If things have gone this far then it’s better to just be upfront with everyone and deal with things as you go.

GoalShooter · 25/05/2023 13:52

Sympathy OP, I went through this with my cousin. I work with trans people and that's absolutely fine but it's different when you've known someone as a man for your whole life. It does take time to adapt.

Testina · 25/05/2023 13:54

If they can declare your support fake, then you clearly have shown support.
Therefore, they can get to fuck, frankly.

I would reply, “I can’t control how you interpret my support.” and leave it therefore. Don’t argue back - you don’t need to. It may be part of their personal narrative to decide the whole family is against them and you get caught in the that. Step away.

And yes, I’m using they/their deliberately, not to avoid saying he/him but to avoid saying she/her.

Lcb123 · 25/05/2023 13:54

I don’t think you’re being transphobic but you need to be upfront with her that you need some time to adjust. I, however, think keeping it from your family is a bad idea. Be upfront with them so you can all discuss and comes terms with it

CruCru · 25/05/2023 13:54

How old are your children, OP? The conversation will be a bit different if a child is 13 than if they are, say, three.

ditalini · 25/05/2023 13:55

@RedToothbrush has written very eloquently on her experience of having a brother who has transitioned.

What work is it that your brother wants you to do in support of your transition that you're not already doing? It's likely to be exhausting so now would be a good time to consider your boundaries.

AliceOlive · 25/05/2023 13:55

A phobia is fear of something. Perhaps we should not demonize people for being afraid in this case. I think you certainly must have many fears around your brother doing this.

ditalini · 25/05/2023 13:55

ditalini · 25/05/2023 13:55

@RedToothbrush has written very eloquently on her experience of having a brother who has transitioned.

What work is it that your brother wants you to do in support of your transition that you're not already doing? It's likely to be exhausting so now would be a good time to consider your boundaries.

Erk, obviously shouldn't be you're transition. Your brother's transition.

Justcallmebebes · 25/05/2023 13:56

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tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 25/05/2023 13:56

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Testina · 25/05/2023 13:58

“that she started hormone therapy to become a female.”

That’s bollocks for a start.
Am I less woman now that I am 53 and my oestrogen has plummeted? Am I fuck.
If they’re a woman in the “wrong” body, then fine - they’re a woman. Which means they’re a woman now - with or without hormone therapy. Said therapy may give them a more conventional outward presentation of “woman” but it doesn’t make them become female. If that’s your own clumsy phrasing then OK. If it’s a direct quote from them, they’re talking bollocks.

sheworemellowyellow · 25/05/2023 13:58

Your brother wants your and your family's instant acceptance because it helps him go through the process he's going through it. You don't owe him instant acceptance. This issue is his, not yours.

Think of it as someone from a totally irreligious family, having never previously shown any interest in religion, converting to (say) orthodox Judaism or devout Catholicism or strict Islam. You may or may not have issues with it, you'd have to think about it. But you'd still need time to decide if you're going to believe it, accept it, guide your husband and family through it.

It's wholly intolerant of your brother to demand your immediate acceptance of his transition.

thedankness · 25/05/2023 13:58

You do not need to support your brother making this choice if you don't want to.

BigglyBee · 25/05/2023 13:58

His poor wife! I would be more worried about her, TBH, than about doing more "work" to rearrange everything I know to be true because a man told me to.

Maybe you could step back from your relationship for a while and take the time to think about where your boundaries are. This doesn't sound to me like your DB has come to a considered decision and is asking for support. It sounds more like he is having a tantrum and demanding that you do what he says, or else.

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 25/05/2023 13:58

CruCru · 25/05/2023 13:48

It sounds as though you’ve been really supportive. I wonder if your sibling is so invested in their transitioning, they have got into the habit of only thinking about themselves. You are a person in your own right, not a bit player in someone else’s life.

To say that someone is transphobic means that they either hate or fear trans people. Not immediately jumping to exactly your sibling’s way of thinking does not mean you are transphobic.

This

There seems to be a lack of awareness in people transitioning for the past effects on their loved ones whose history with them is now to be wiped clean. It's all about the trans feelings and any discomfort, upset , distress or questioning - all of these things are valid - is deemed transphobic

TinyRebel · 25/05/2023 13:58

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TiredOfCleaning · 25/05/2023 13:58

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I cannot tell you how much I agree with this.

Your sibling is all 'me me me me'. What about their wife and the shock she must have had?

Lottapianos · 25/05/2023 13:59

'I would reply, “I can’t control how you interpret my support.” and leave it therefore. Don’t argue back - you don’t need to. It may be part of their personal narrative to decide the whole family is against them and you get caught in the that. Step away.'

I think this is good advice. I would imagine you're feeling extremely shocked and confused and I don't blame you. Sounds like you have tried hard to be supportive and respectful and that is being thrown in your face. Tread very carefully and protect yourself and your own family. I'm sorry you're in this situation

FrostyFifi · 25/05/2023 13:59

I suspect that nothing you do from here on in will be deemed supportive enough.
The poor wife.

Testina · 25/05/2023 14:00

I do think it’s really sad that you are weeks into this, about something that bothers you enough to post on MN for support, and yet you haven’t told your husband.

Your kids I understand, depending on their ages you may need time to decide how to approach that and how to answer their questions.

But not to be able to tell your husband is sad.