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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend treating my children differently

209 replies

Ilovepugs2017 · 23/05/2023 17:41

A friend of mine who doesn’t live locally to me treats my children differently and I’m not quite sure how to approach it.

I have two boys and a girl and she seems to favour the girl 👧 as we live a fair distance from each other we always send little gifts to each other now and again and she usually sends something for my little girl but now for the boys.

same with their birthdays, she made the effort to buy my little girl a gift but again not the boys.

I have politely said that whilst my little girl appreciates the gifts the boys feel left out but she’s still doing it. How else can I approach this? I feel like she’s not getting the message. I don’t want to hurt her feelings but I believe all my children should be treated the same

OP posts:
EmptyBedBlues · 23/05/2023 17:45

So she’s fonder of your daughter than her brothers? Assuming she’s not showering her weekly with lavish presents and sending the boys coal, I don’t see the issue. Why do you feel they need to be treated the same?

Duckfeather · 23/05/2023 17:50

That’s a tough one OP but to be honest, it’s really crappy behaviour from your friend, particularly as you say you’ve politely mentioned it and she’s still doing it. A stronger line may be needed now, such as “I’ve mentioned it before but I’m asking you to stop buying presents for name and not the boys as they are noticing and it’s affecting them.”

If she carries on I’d be tempted to reduce contact - it’s never nice to feel left out and is especially keenly felt by kids when they’re young. I had to mention this to my mum - she’d got in the habit of buying little gifts for my eldest and rarely bought my youngest anything. This was fine when my youngest was a baby but as she got older I had to mention it as she began to notice. Hope it gets resolved.

Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 23/05/2023 17:55

EmptyBedBlues · 23/05/2023 17:45

So she’s fonder of your daughter than her brothers? Assuming she’s not showering her weekly with lavish presents and sending the boys coal, I don’t see the issue. Why do you feel they need to be treated the same?

Well I just don’t see why she’s favouring one child over the other two. She has a son but if she had more than one child I wouldn’t buy one of her children gifts and leave the others out 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
EmptyBedBlues · 23/05/2023 17:59

Ilovepugs2017 · 23/05/2023 17:55

Well I just don’t see why she’s favouring one child over the other two. She has a son but if she had more than one child I wouldn’t buy one of her children gifts and leave the others out 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

Don’t see the issue. It’s not as though only one child isn’t getting presents. She just prefers one child to the other two., or feels closer to her, or sees more things she thinks she would like because she’s more attuned to her? You have to treat your children equally as a parent, but I don’t see that a geographically-distant family friend needs to take a ‘presents for all or for none’ approach. I buy presents for my godchildren, but not their siblings, for instance.

Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 23/05/2023 18:02

EmptyBedBlues · 23/05/2023 17:59

Don’t see the issue. It’s not as though only one child isn’t getting presents. She just prefers one child to the other two., or feels closer to her, or sees more things she thinks she would like because she’s more attuned to her? You have to treat your children equally as a parent, but I don’t see that a geographically-distant family friend needs to take a ‘presents for all or for none’ approach. I buy presents for my godchildren, but not their siblings, for instance.

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I just would rather her not bother at all than favour one child over the other two because it’s not nice. They have noticed and said how come your friend always sends things for -daughters name-.

OP posts:
NewPinkJacket · 23/05/2023 18:06

I have politely said that whilst my little girl appreciates the gifts the boys feel left out but she’s still doing it. How else can I approach this?

Tell her to stop buying gifts if she can't understand what you're saying.

Paramummy3 · 23/05/2023 18:07

I wonder if it’s because she has a son, but there are SO much amazing cute things in the shops for little girls, and she doesn’t have a girl to buy them for……..

2bazookas · 23/05/2023 18:20

Just silently return the gift by post, unopened.

FatGirlSwim · 23/05/2023 18:24

I wouldn’t like this. She’s not Godmother to the girl or anything is she? That would be the only justification.

I’m surprised your boys notice though. My dc wouldn’t notice which friends or extended family bought their siblings a birthday present.

baloosbaloos · 23/05/2023 18:24

@Paramummy3 I expect that’s the explanation. SO much cute girl stuff around, she probably just relishes the chance to buy it. Seems a bit churlish to make such a big deal of it. She’s not a family member, she doesn’t have to treat them exactly equal, anything she gets for any of your kids is a bonus. You could always buy your sons an extra treat to make up for it when it happens.

Mrsmillshorse · 23/05/2023 18:26

I feel sorry for your friend. She's not trying to single out the boys and make them feel bad.

You have to think of the bigger picture. What's wrong with your girl getting extra gifts? How lovely for her to have a family friend sending her nice things.

Nevermind31 · 23/05/2023 18:27

Ilovepugs2017 · 23/05/2023 17:55

Well I just don’t see why she’s favouring one child over the other two. She has a son but if she had more than one child I wouldn’t buy one of her children gifts and leave the others out 🤷‍♀️

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Maybe she is buying for one child because you buy for one? Or she really wanted a girl and is indulging in buying girl stuff, but not bothered about boys as she has one of her own?
still not on though…

Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 23/05/2023 18:41

Nevermind31 · 23/05/2023 18:27

Maybe she is buying for one child because you buy for one? Or she really wanted a girl and is indulging in buying girl stuff, but not bothered about boys as she has one of her own?
still not on though…

Show quote history

Tbh in the time I’ve known her she has always said she wanted a girl but I wouldn’t have the heart personally to just buy one child a gift and not the others. As I said I don’t expect her to buy them all gifts but would rather her not by any than just buy one …

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 23/05/2023 18:42

Mrsmillshorse · 23/05/2023 18:26

I feel sorry for your friend. She's not trying to single out the boys and make them feel bad.

You have to think of the bigger picture. What's wrong with your girl getting extra gifts? How lovely for her to have a family friend sending her nice things.

Yes it is nice that she’s doing that but imo still unfair on the boys..

As I said I wouldn’t do the same if she had three children I would get them something each as I’d hate to think of a child feeling left out or less special than another child

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 23/05/2023 18:44

baloosbaloos · 23/05/2023 18:24

@Paramummy3 I expect that’s the explanation. SO much cute girl stuff around, she probably just relishes the chance to buy it. Seems a bit churlish to make such a big deal of it. She’s not a family member, she doesn’t have to treat them exactly equal, anything she gets for any of your kids is a bonus. You could always buy your sons an extra treat to make up for it when it happens.

I could yes but then I’m having to spend out extra money because my friend was being a bit insensitive just buying/giving things to one of my children.

We have only spent time together a handful of times in the time we have known each other because of the distance so it’s not like she has a closer bond with one child over the other two

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 23/05/2023 18:45

FatGirlSwim · 23/05/2023 18:24

I wouldn’t like this. She’s not Godmother to the girl or anything is she? That would be the only justification.

I’m surprised your boys notice though. My dc wouldn’t notice which friends or extended family bought their siblings a birthday present.

No she is not a godmother or anything. We have been friends for a good couple of years now but she has always been around all 3 children so it’s not like she has a closer bond with my little girl

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 23/05/2023 18:46

Paramummy3 · 23/05/2023 18:07

I wonder if it’s because she has a son, but there are SO much amazing cute things in the shops for little girls, and she doesn’t have a girl to buy them for……..

It could be but then she has a niece. It must sound like I’m being so unappreciative but I have three children. Either treat them the same or not at all is my motto

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 23/05/2023 18:47

NewPinkJacket · 23/05/2023 18:06

I have politely said that whilst my little girl appreciates the gifts the boys feel left out but she’s still doing it. How else can I approach this?

Tell her to stop buying gifts if she can't understand what you're saying.

I think I am going to have to be more direct about it, I just really value her friendship we are all quite close so I don’t want to offend her

OP posts:
Wavescrashingonthebeach · 23/05/2023 18:48

She's just jealous that she doesn't have a girl and she sees all this lovely girly stuff in the shops and can't help buying it for your daughter. It doesn't make it right though. I'd just tell her all your children have too many toys & clothes please don't buy any more.

CaroleSinger · 23/05/2023 18:48

She says she's always wanted a girl. I think you have your reason right there. She's used to buying boy things all the time and this is the only chance she gets to buy girl things.

LaMaG · 23/05/2023 18:53

I have boy / girl twins and if you can believe this my father, their grandfather will arrive with something for my daughter and not for my son. Or a thoughtful gift for her and a rubbish one for him. For example he got a cool set of girly colouring markers when on hols and handed over a pack of HB pencils for my boy, clearly bought on the way. He doesn't try to hide his favouritism and I get very upset but DS doesn't seem to mind yet, they are only 9. He never showed any interest at all in older DS either.

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 23/05/2023 18:55

Sounds like she just likes to have a girl to spoil.

Kids are going to get an unever number of gifts as they grow up, unless they always HAVE to each have the same number of friends...

If it really bothers you, just post the gifts back without showing your daughter

GCalltheway · 23/05/2023 18:55

Be honest as tactfully as you can. This isn’t fair on your other children, and her feelings shouldn’t be coming before them.

Snoken · 23/05/2023 18:56

I noticed that you also keep calling you dd your little girl whilst you ds’s are just the boys. Do you think perhaps you favour your dd too?

There is probably something there with regards to her wanting a dd. Doesn’t mean she doesn’t like your sons, she just likes the feeling of having a girl to buy for.

SunflowerLovers · 23/05/2023 18:57

Just another example of misandry and how we treat young boys in society.