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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend treating my children differently

209 replies

Ilovepugs2017 · 23/05/2023 17:41

A friend of mine who doesn’t live locally to me treats my children differently and I’m not quite sure how to approach it.

I have two boys and a girl and she seems to favour the girl 👧 as we live a fair distance from each other we always send little gifts to each other now and again and she usually sends something for my little girl but now for the boys.

same with their birthdays, she made the effort to buy my little girl a gift but again not the boys.

I have politely said that whilst my little girl appreciates the gifts the boys feel left out but she’s still doing it. How else can I approach this? I feel like she’s not getting the message. I don’t want to hurt her feelings but I believe all my children should be treated the same

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 23/05/2023 19:01

Snoken · 23/05/2023 18:56

I noticed that you also keep calling you dd your little girl whilst you ds’s are just the boys. Do you think perhaps you favour your dd too?

There is probably something there with regards to her wanting a dd. Doesn’t mean she doesn’t like your sons, she just likes the feeling of having a girl to buy for.

I don’t favour any of them I love them all the same. I call her my little girl as she is the youngest out of the three of them and is only 5.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 23/05/2023 19:02

SunflowerLovers · 23/05/2023 18:57

Just another example of misandry and how we treat young boys in society.

How do you mean 😊 sorry I’ve never heard of this term before

OP posts:
SunflowerLovers · 23/05/2023 19:03

misandry
/mɪˈsandri/

noun

  1. dislike of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against men (i.e. the male sex).

😀

Bonbon21 · 23/05/2023 19:05

Well.. you wouldnt buy an ice cream for one child out of three children so why would you only buy a gift for one out of three?
I would return the gift unopened....
And be blunt about it if she asks why!

TrudyProud · 23/05/2023 19:11

If you care that much buy an equivalent small gift for your sons. Personally I don't think she's done anything wrong- people are entitled to their own relationships. So what if she prefers your daughter? At the end of the day you hopefully realise that in the real world your kids won't always be treated the same? Or are you one of those mums who thinks a birthday or play date invite for one of your kids is an invitation for them all.... 😬

daisy46 · 23/05/2023 19:12

it's because she has a boy herself and it's fun to buy for a little girl. Don't take offense and don't let your boys be offended. Things aren't always equal in life.

Anonymouseposter · 23/05/2023 19:13

I wouldn't like this. If you had said that your MIL or DM was doing it I think the responses would have expressed outrage. I also wonder what responses you would have got if she was buying only for your son and not your daughter.

PurelyBelter · 23/05/2023 19:18

daisy46 · 23/05/2023 19:12

it's because she has a boy herself and it's fun to buy for a little girl. Don't take offense and don't let your boys be offended. Things aren't always equal in life.

Don’t let your boys be offended? How do you go about that then? Children are allowed to have feelings, I don’t think it does anyone any good to tell them to suppress perfectly valid feelings of not being good enough or being left out.

Newmumatlast · 23/05/2023 19:22

Actually so surprised so many people don't really see an issue with this.

ToWhitToWhoo · 23/05/2023 19:23

Could it be because your dd is the youngest, rather than because she's a girl? Some people are more inclined to 'spoil' younger children. Not that this is fair either.

Aitchoo · 23/05/2023 19:38

It's not good. I suspect that as she wanted a girl she's unintentionally comforting herself by buying the gifts for your daughter.
This will also impact her son. He's probably noticed already and will eventually realise what her behaviour means. It's not going to end well.

VioletVesper · 23/05/2023 19:48

Newmumatlast · 23/05/2023 19:22

Actually so surprised so many people don't really see an issue with this.

Me too and also agree with the poster above that suspect responses would be different were it a girl bring left out.

I wouldn’t like this either OP & think you are right to raise it with your friend.

Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 23/05/2023 20:14

Newmumatlast · 23/05/2023 19:22

Actually so surprised so many people don't really see an issue with this.

Me too 😬

OP posts:
Starhead69 · 23/05/2023 20:21

When these gifts arrive can you just not make a thing of it? Are they super expensive big gifts? The boys don’t need to know where they are coming from.

suchasocialhierachy · 23/05/2023 20:24

Obviously don't ask her to buy gifts for your boys, but ask her to please not buy gifts for your daughter.

Tell her that you'll no longer be passing the gifts on to your daughter.

Heartsnrainbows · 23/05/2023 20:26

It's not fair doing that to kids. They take it personally, like there's something wrong with them. I'd ask her to stop the gifts tbh as the boys are noticing and it's unfair.

Soproudoflionesses · 23/05/2023 20:32

Paramummy3 · 23/05/2023 18:07

I wonder if it’s because she has a son, but there are SO much amazing cute things in the shops for little girls, and she doesn’t have a girl to buy them for……..

I thought this

CindersAgain · 23/05/2023 20:48

I think that’s really awful of her. And pretty odd.

Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 23/05/2023 21:49

Starhead69 · 23/05/2023 20:21

When these gifts arrive can you just not make a thing of it? Are they super expensive big gifts? The boys don’t need to know where they are coming from.

Thing is it’s difficult because kids talk and so my daughter will say to my son mums friend got me this…. You know what kids are like.
Or sometimes a parcel will arrive when it’s a weekend and they’re not in school and often she won’t tell me she’s included something for my daughter so I then open it and there’s something for her and my two boys will notice and wonder why they are not getting sent anything. Infact my 9 year old actually said it feels like him and his brother as much as my daughter :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 23/05/2023 21:50

Soproudoflionesses · 23/05/2023 20:32

I thought this

Show quote history

It could be that but either way it’s still unfair to my boys

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 23/05/2023 21:52

Heartsnrainbows · 23/05/2023 20:26

It's not fair doing that to kids. They take it personally, like there's something wrong with them. I'd ask her to stop the gifts tbh as the boys are noticing and it's unfair.

Yes they do, I’m sure some people think kids don’t notice things or don’t have feelings. They are SO aware of things and their feelings deserve to be heard. I actually felt sad when my 9 year old said he feels like my friend doesn’t like him and his brother as much as my daughter

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 23/05/2023 21:54

suchasocialhierachy · 23/05/2023 20:24

Obviously don't ask her to buy gifts for your boys, but ask her to please not buy gifts for your daughter.

Tell her that you'll no longer be passing the gifts on to your daughter.

yes I think I just needed to be more direct in the way I said it. I was so wary of hurting her feelings but at the end of the day my childrens feelings come first. The first couple of times i brushed it off thinking perhaps she will send something down for my boys another time but everytime it’s something for my girl so it’s got to the point I’ve needed to say something

OP posts:
SchoolShenanigans · 23/05/2023 21:54

Favouring children is a recipe for confidence bashing.

Personally I wouldn't give your daughter the gifts, I'd be slyly hiding them once the posty's been. That way, they all know no different.

How many children does your friend have? I'd be inclined to stop sending gifts. Tbh if you've asked her to not treat them differently, and she's continued, then I'd wonder what her intentions really are. That's not a kind way to treat children.

CleverLilViper · 23/05/2023 21:55

I really don’t see the issue with this. Chances are she’s always wanted a girl to spoil and is seeing things for your DD to spoil her with. I doubt there’s any malice in it or any deliberate attempt to leave your DS out.

I don’t know. If I were her I’d stop doing it for someone who is ungrateful.

caringcarer · 23/05/2023 21:56

I think I'd just have a couple of small gifts wrapped for boys in a cupboard. When she sends your little girl something just produce the wrapped gifts for the boys. I doubt they care who gifted them to them.

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