Friend treating my children differently

[Ilovepugs2017]

A friend of mine who doesn’t live locally to me treats my children differently and I’m not quite sure how to approach it.

I have two boys and a girl and she seems to favour the girl 👧 as we live a fair distance from each other we always send little gifts to each other now and again and she usually sends something for my little girl but now for the boys.

same with their birthdays, she made the effort to buy my little girl a gift but again not the boys.

I have politely said that whilst my little girl appreciates the gifts the boys feel left out but she’s still doing it. How else can I approach this? I feel like she’s not getting the message. I don’t want to hurt her feelings but I believe all my children should be treated the same

My DS honestly wouldn’t notice that his sister got something and he didn’t. And if he did I would tell him he’s not entitled to something just because she has something. Life isn’t equal and fair and I genuinely think it’s a good idea not to try and make things fair all the time so as not to upset them. It isn’t representative of what is to come. Isn’t it better to say “well yes it’s not fair really, but my friend has always wanted a daughter to buy things for. Right or wrong. This is why she’s doing it. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you guys too. She’s just enjoying buying little girl things as she doesn’t get to do this for her child”.

Thats an honest answer. And would help them see that he’s life isn’t always exactly equal and fair, and help them learn to accept these small inconsequential incidences. Instead of forcing your friend to buy things for your sons as well (or stop buying gifts for your daughter), just explain this is how it is. It doesn’t really matter. This is the reason why. Don’t teach them entitlement.

My DD has quite a strong sense of fairness (she’s younger than my DS). And sometimes she’ll get in a strop because her brother has something which she hasn’t been given. I absolutely do not make sure she then gets the same. I say “today isn’t your day. Maybe tomorrow will be! Don’t you have enough stuff? Do you actually need [whatever it is he has]? No..? Well then. Quit complaining. Tomorrow you’ll have something (a sweet given out by a birthday child for example) and he won’t. That’s life!”

@Paramummy3

This

Maybe living vicariously through you as she has seen cute stuff she likes but can’t use 🤷‍♂️

I don’t think it’s a slight on your sons, can you not just gracefully intercept and pass the presents on without announcing it? I’m not sure how old your children are

Yup. Normal life lesson which is highly unlikely to strike any child to the heart unless it’s someone the less-preferred child is very attached to, which it isn’t in this case. This is some kind of insecure adult emotion about ‘exclusion’, of the kind that pops up its head on here a lot, usually from people who wail about ‘cliques’ and struggle with other people making friends and ‘not inviting all the class mums’, nothing to do with the children.

@Ilovepugs2017

If you are giving the gifts to charity why do your sons even know 🤷‍♂️

Mountain out of a molehill surely

I’ve now read a bit more - the ages ofgs

I have 3 kids. They have ALWAYS had gifts at different times from different people. For example DDs got gifts from their relatives that DS didn't and DS got gifts from his. Never heard any complain of being left out Will have to check with them now all adults to see if they have any lasting damage due to it.

Probably the unpopular opinion here… but you know that life is not going to treat all your kids the same right? I think is good opportunity to also teach this to your kids…
ask her why she send gift only for your daughter and give that same answer yo your boys. And talk to them about this piece, could be because she is little and easier to get gifts… if your boys are much older as I understand then also buying gifts is more tricky because then it needs to be taken preferences and so on.. is not the same to buy for 5 years old than for a 10 years old
She is not mistreating your boys, she is just creating a bond with one of them, which I think is normal since in general people may have more affinity with one person than the other
if it is really that uncomfortable for you, just ask her to not send anything, but I don’t think that it is fair to your daughter either

you cant make her buy for the boys but you can intervene with her sending to your daughter, if she posts things just send them back etc...

I can't abide favoritism, its shitty 'mean girls' behavior from an adult and people trying to make out like your friend is for some reason besties with your daughter (as if they are classmates not a child and fully grown woman) and thus its justified are frankly creepy and fucking bizarre. Adults dont act like that and shes YOUR friend not your young child's and should treat all 3 the same.

I completely agree. I also dont get the "life lesson" thing. By that rationale, should we expose kids to all kinds of unpleasant behaviour just to prove to them that life isnt easy? where does this end?

Not all kids are the same- some are sensitive and emotional, others are tougher and more resilient, we all learn in different ways. The idea that we must toughen them up because life will beat the shit out of them when they are older is frankly, utterly bizarre to me. That woudnt have worked for me as a kid at all. I'm glad my kids have a sense of fairness, it will benefit them when they are older.

@Ilovepugs2017 other posters don’t see a problem because girls are hugely favoured on Mumsnet so they’d sympathise with your friend.

If, on the other hand, she was favouring a son and leaving out the daughters there’d be predictable uproar 🙄🤷‍♀️.

Wow, I find her behaviour more than a but bizarre. To so blatantly leave out your boys, even to treating them differently on their birthdays… that’s awful in my book.
glad it’s been handled, and I hope she honors her word.

Same here! My dad favoured girl twin, would even ask if she wanted to go for tea and play. She was and still is quite quiet and shy but boy twin is confident and chatty.

Dd would go shy, ds would say, ‘I will I will grandad’. My dad would say, ‘not you, just girl twin’!!!

I’m with the OP, it’d have to be all of them or none of them for me. I have a god-daughter and I treat her brother in exactly the same way as I treat her. I think it’s really mean to leave children out.

people trying to make out like your friend is for some reason besties with your daughter (as if they are classmates not a child and fully grown woman) and thus its justified are frankly creepy and fucking bizarre

I found this bizarre too. They dont have a "bond" because OP said this:

We have only spent time together a handful of times in the time we have known each other because of the distance so it’s not like she has a closer bond with one child over the other two

This woman barely knows OP's daughter and has barely interacted with her so its nonsense that they are "friends" or have an "emotional connection" as some people keep insisting. She's doing it solely because she's female. Thats it!

That sounds like your dc have different relatives in which case it is different. Yes if a child has an independent relationship with an adult then its ok but this adult doesn't have a separate relationship with the daughter.

I'm another who can't believe how many think this is ok

Sounds like you sorted it out, OP - I'm glad your friend saw your point.

I've found the responses a bit odd also, mumsnet usually seems against unfair treatment - e.g. leaving a few kids out of parties etc. In this case I think it's because it's about a little girl, I find there is always an undercurrent on here about how baby girls are just better.

@SoupDragon amazed people think it's OK, especially given pretty much everyone usually thinks it's mean to leave just a couple of children out of a birthday party.

The boys are 10 and 12 so have probably been left out of birthday parties / left people out themselves by that age. My elder dds ( age 31 and 30) don't get Easter eggs from my aunty - and haven't for a long time - but their younger siblings ( age 20 and 15 do). I do think it could have been laughed off instead of becoming a thing especially if the gifts are very girlie and not high value.
It really irritates me when dh divides a cake, for example, in equal portions and dd3 doesn't want any as she's had a large school dinner. (That bit is fine) This happens over a couple of days until she is basically forced to eat the cake so it doesn't go stale as it's her cake! I was brought up that generally if cake is not wanted it goes back into the general mix - it's not imprinted with a person's name.

Has your 9yr old suddenly become 10?

You've already told her but she continues to send a gift for your daughter. Don't give your daughter the present, bin it or send it back. It's not nice sending one child birthday gifts but not the others. I could be wrong but I suspect she only buys for one of your kids because she only has one for you to buy for, some people can be funny like that.

What did your friend say when you told her not to send your daughter gifts?

I suspect that from your earlier attempts to address it, when you said you'd have to buy something for your boys to stop them feeling left out, she may have thought you were hinting she should get something for all three. That's a significantly bigger obligation and cost than sending a little something for a much smaller child. Now you've explained your reasoning about the fairness, she seems to have accepted it straight away

If that was my dad I would be having it out with him and sending him on his was with both gifts. That's a sh!tty thing to do.

Why do u have such a big problem with the op not wanting one child to be favoured? She's asked for the gifts to be discontinued for the sake of her other children, what's your problem with that? The friend clearly has an issue with the boys.

I thought this as well

OP I think you’ve been really rude to your poor friend! She was doing something nice! Having 3 kids means people aren’t going to volunteer to treat them all or take them all out as 3 is just too many - it’s expensive and time consuming. Obviously you have to treat them all the same as they’re your kids and you chose to have them! Grandparents also as they are close family.

But others absolutely not! Didn’t you ever have a relative or family friend you were closer to? One of my uncles much preferred my brother to me as they were both interested in football. I was fine with that! Equally another uncle preferred me as we are both quite calm and quiet whereas my brother is very boisterous. Didn’t scar my brother one bit! Our godparents also differed a lot in approach - my bro got lots of little presents throughout childhood whereas I just got one big one at 18. It did us good to learn to accept life isn’t perfect but we were still ok.

IMO you’ve missed a chance to teach your sons a useful skill here - to understand people don’t always get the same things and life works out differently for everyone. You should be modelling to them how to calmly accept this and move on, not validating some imaginary hurt. Obviously it would be different if friend was being actively horrible to sons, saying mean things to them etc. but she’s not! She’s just doing something nice for your daughter.