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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend treating my children differently

209 replies

Ilovepugs2017 · 23/05/2023 17:41

A friend of mine who doesn’t live locally to me treats my children differently and I’m not quite sure how to approach it.

I have two boys and a girl and she seems to favour the girl 👧 as we live a fair distance from each other we always send little gifts to each other now and again and she usually sends something for my little girl but now for the boys.

same with their birthdays, she made the effort to buy my little girl a gift but again not the boys.

I have politely said that whilst my little girl appreciates the gifts the boys feel left out but she’s still doing it. How else can I approach this? I feel like she’s not getting the message. I don’t want to hurt her feelings but I believe all my children should be treated the same

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 23/05/2023 21:56

Update

I’ve sent her a message and politely asked that she stops sending gifts for my daughter as I feel it’s unfair to my sons and they are also feeling left out etc.

Thankfully I think she has understood the points I’ve made and said she won’t do it again and that in future if she sends anything to me it will be a joint gift for the kids like a box of chocolates or something that they can share.

thank you all for your advice

OP posts:
Dodger101 · 23/05/2023 21:58

Not everyone will like your children the same. They will each have their own friends. It is ok for your friend to connect with your daughter and not your sons. She isn't their grandmother or their mother. She isn't related to them at all. She will not want to have to pretend to be interested in 2 children she isn't interested in. She will just lose the connection with your daughter. Will you do this with everyone in their lives who doesn't treat them all equally? Can none of them have their own relationships?

caringcarer · 23/05/2023 21:59

That's a good result OP.Grin

Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 23/05/2023 22:01

SchoolShenanigans · 23/05/2023 21:54

Favouring children is a recipe for confidence bashing.

Personally I wouldn't give your daughter the gifts, I'd be slyly hiding them once the posty's been. That way, they all know no different.

How many children does your friend have? I'd be inclined to stop sending gifts. Tbh if you've asked her to not treat them differently, and she's continued, then I'd wonder what her intentions really are. That's not a kind way to treat children.

Tbh the last couple of times she’s sent stuff to me for her I’ve given them to charity or something.

She only has one child a teenage boy. I have mentioned it previously in a nice way just saying something along the lines of - thank you for the gifts for (Name), however I may need to get something for my boys because I don’t want them to feel left out.

She usually then proceeds to change the subject so it then got to the point when she was sending stuff I would put it away or give it to charity because it was really starting to bug me that I had politely hinted that the boys were feeling impacted by it yet she was choosing to ignore it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 23/05/2023 22:02

caringcarer · 23/05/2023 21:59

That's a good result OP.Grin

Yes 😊 so thankful she can see my point

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 23/05/2023 22:04

Dodger101 · 23/05/2023 21:58

Not everyone will like your children the same. They will each have their own friends. It is ok for your friend to connect with your daughter and not your sons. She isn't their grandmother or their mother. She isn't related to them at all. She will not want to have to pretend to be interested in 2 children she isn't interested in. She will just lose the connection with your daughter. Will you do this with everyone in their lives who doesn't treat them all equally? Can none of them have their own relationships?

At the end of the day she’s MY friend not theirs. They will have their own friends yes but I’m not going to stand by and accept my children being left out because she sees it fit to just favoritise one of them, it’s not nice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 23/05/2023 22:06

LaMaG · 23/05/2023 18:53

I have boy / girl twins and if you can believe this my father, their grandfather will arrive with something for my daughter and not for my son. Or a thoughtful gift for her and a rubbish one for him. For example he got a cool set of girly colouring markers when on hols and handed over a pack of HB pencils for my boy, clearly bought on the way. He doesn't try to hide his favouritism and I get very upset but DS doesn't seem to mind yet, they are only 9. He never showed any interest at all in older DS either.

Oh no :( that’s awful. I hate it when family members treat children differently. It does hurt their feelings

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 23/05/2023 22:08

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 23/05/2023 18:55

Sounds like she just likes to have a girl to spoil.

Kids are going to get an unever number of gifts as they grow up, unless they always HAVE to each have the same number of friends...

If it really bothers you, just post the gifts back without showing your daughter

Yes I know they will but the point of the matter here is that it’s MY friend not theirs so a imo a friend should treat another friends children equally.

Id never dream of favouritising one child over another if she had more than one, it’s just harsh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 23/05/2023 22:08

Bonbon21 · 23/05/2023 19:05

Well.. you wouldnt buy an ice cream for one child out of three children so why would you only buy a gift for one out of three?
I would return the gift unopened....
And be blunt about it if she asks why!

Exactly, I just find it odd why someone would do that

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 23/05/2023 22:10

Aitchoo · 23/05/2023 19:38

It's not good. I suspect that as she wanted a girl she's unintentionally comforting herself by buying the gifts for your daughter.
This will also impact her son. He's probably noticed already and will eventually realise what her behaviour means. It's not going to end well.

Yes could be that. I guess only she knows the reason why, which she hasn’t disclosed tbh.

When she’s mentioned me visiting it’s always been oh why don’t you and (name) come up and stay for a weekend sometime? It’s like erm ok, but what about my boys? 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
EmptyBedBlues · 23/05/2023 22:11

Ilovepugs2017 · 23/05/2023 18:46

It could be but then she has a niece. It must sound like I’m being so unappreciative but I have three children. Either treat them the same or not at all is my motto

Show quote history

But that’s a motto for you, because you’re their parent. Other adults can have a closer bond with an individual child without having to ensure they’re giving exactly equal attention/gifts to all the children.

Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 23/05/2023 22:12

TrudyProud · 23/05/2023 19:11

If you care that much buy an equivalent small gift for your sons. Personally I don't think she's done anything wrong- people are entitled to their own relationships. So what if she prefers your daughter? At the end of the day you hopefully realise that in the real world your kids won't always be treated the same? Or are you one of those mums who thinks a birthday or play date invite for one of your kids is an invitation for them all.... 😬

No I don’t think that at all but imo I value my friendships and I don’t think this is an acceptable behaviour for a friend. It’s unfair to my other two children.

OP posts:
Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 23/05/2023 22:14

Really surprised so many posters don’t think this is a problem.

It’s probably because she wanted a girl, but it’s really not on. And as for inviting just you and your daughter to stay…mental.

Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 23/05/2023 22:14

EmptyBedBlues · 23/05/2023 22:11

But that’s a motto for you, because you’re their parent. Other adults can have a closer bond with an individual child without having to ensure they’re giving exactly equal attention/gifts to all the children.

Show quote history

Right ok, that’s fine for people who feel like that but I genuinely don’t think she realises that her favouritism of one of my children has had an impact on the other two. Now I’ve approached her about this and she understands, she can see where I am coming from.
i.e I’ve explained to her if it was the other way round I’d never send one child a gift and leave the other two out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 23/05/2023 22:16

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 23/05/2023 22:14

Really surprised so many posters don’t think this is a problem.

It’s probably because she wanted a girl, but it’s really not on. And as for inviting just you and your daughter to stay…mental.

I know I’m actually shocked myself at the responses that have said they don’t see the issue 🤷‍♀️

needless to say I politely declined that offer 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 23/05/2023 22:18

Anonymouseposter · 23/05/2023 19:13

I wouldn't like this. If you had said that your MIL or DM was doing it I think the responses would have expressed outrage. I also wonder what responses you would have got if she was buying only for your son and not your daughter.

Exactly and this is someone I consider a close friend even tho we live nowhere near each other. It’s so important to me because I don’t want my boys feeling left out by someone who is a big part of my life in terms of friendship.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 23/05/2023 22:19

CleverLilViper · 23/05/2023 21:55

I really don’t see the issue with this. Chances are she’s always wanted a girl to spoil and is seeing things for your DD to spoil her with. I doubt there’s any malice in it or any deliberate attempt to leave your DS out.

I don’t know. If I were her I’d stop doing it for someone who is ungrateful.

Sorry but I’m far from ungrateful. I just believe in my children being treated as equals by someone I value as a close friend!

OP posts:
SauceForTheGoose · 23/05/2023 22:22

I think that outside close family this is how it goes.

Densol57 · 23/05/2023 22:22

Thats a good result OP because some of these replies on here are bonkers. These are little kids, not adults. They are entitled to be upset. Who cares what “reason” friend has.

My mum favoured my older son, basically ignored my younger son and his two girl cousins. It really was awful and I went round there less and less because kids notice and my mum refused to listen. She died 15 years ago shortly after. They dont remember what she was like thankfully.

Id be cautious when the next parcel comes and just throw it in the cupboard to open when they are in bed, in case she “forgets”

EmptyBedBlues · 23/05/2023 22:23

Ilovepugs2017 · 23/05/2023 22:18

Exactly and this is someone I consider a close friend even tho we live nowhere near each other. It’s so important to me because I don’t want my boys feeling left out by someone who is a big part of my life in terms of friendship.

Show quote history

But the OP’s mother or MIL would be the grandmother of all three children. Completely different scenario. And it’s not as though only one child is giftless in this scenario — two thirds of the children don’t get presents, so there’s no need for them to feel targeted.

Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 23/05/2023 22:26

EmptyBedBlues · 23/05/2023 22:23

But the OP’s mother or MIL would be the grandmother of all three children. Completely different scenario. And it’s not as though only one child is giftless in this scenario — two thirds of the children don’t get presents, so there’s no need for them to feel targeted.

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Yes but why does one get gifts? 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
CleverLilViper · 23/05/2023 22:29

Ilovepugs2017 · 23/05/2023 22:19

Sorry but I’m far from ungrateful. I just believe in my children being treated as equals by someone I value as a close friend!

Show quote history

But she’s not obligated to do anything for any of your children. Yet she chooses to for your daughter. She’s not a relative. She’s a friend and rather than appreciating the effort she makes with a child she has zero obligation to you’re here whining about her on MN. You sound super grateful.

Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 23/05/2023 22:29

Densol57 · 23/05/2023 22:22

Thats a good result OP because some of these replies on here are bonkers. These are little kids, not adults. They are entitled to be upset. Who cares what “reason” friend has.

My mum favoured my older son, basically ignored my younger son and his two girl cousins. It really was awful and I went round there less and less because kids notice and my mum refused to listen. She died 15 years ago shortly after. They dont remember what she was like thankfully.

Id be cautious when the next parcel comes and just throw it in the cupboard to open when they are in bed, in case she “forgets”

The worst thing about it is the boys are older (10 and 12) so they will likely remember this I guess. My childrens feelings are my priority and so I needed to nip this in the bud because I won’t have them feeling this way because of a friend being insensitive.

Sorry to hear you had a similar situation with your mum though positive that they don’t remember what she was like.

Yes I think that’s good advice that I will definitely take on board 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 23/05/2023 22:31

CleverLilViper · 23/05/2023 22:29

But she’s not obligated to do anything for any of your children. Yet she chooses to for your daughter. She’s not a relative. She’s a friend and rather than appreciating the effort she makes with a child she has zero obligation to you’re here whining about her on MN. You sound super grateful.

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No she isn’t your right but then it’s also insensitive to leave other children out. They have feelings too, they aren’t robots. Best thing would be to send a joint gift if it’s just randomly or not bother at all.

OP posts:
EmptyBedBlues · 23/05/2023 22:33

Ilovepugs2017 · 23/05/2023 22:31

No she isn’t your right but then it’s also insensitive to leave other children out. They have feelings too, they aren’t robots. Best thing would be to send a joint gift if it’s just randomly or not bother at all.

Show quote history

This sounds like it all about your feelings, rather than your children’s, OP.

What exactly have the ten and twelve year olds been saying to make you think they’re taking it so much to heart?