Friend treating my children differently

[Ilovepugs2017]

A friend of mine who doesn’t live locally to me treats my children differently and I’m not quite sure how to approach it.

I have two boys and a girl and she seems to favour the girl 👧 as we live a fair distance from each other we always send little gifts to each other now and again and she usually sends something for my little girl but now for the boys.

same with their birthdays, she made the effort to buy my little girl a gift but again not the boys.

I have politely said that whilst my little girl appreciates the gifts the boys feel left out but she’s still doing it. How else can I approach this? I feel like she’s not getting the message. I don’t want to hurt her feelings but I believe all my children should be treated the same

I’m not being rude or ungrateful. My children feelings are more important than a friend sorry! And if she can’t see that she’s being unfair just gifting one child then that’s not someone I want in mine or my childrens lives tbh. Luckily she can see my point and is fine with it & has said she’s sorry and will not do this going forward!

How old are the boys? I have a cousin with 2 boys and girl. The boys are now late teens so I don't buy for them. The girl is younger and is my God daughter so I buy for her.

Maybe just don't tell the boys your daughter has received a present so they don't feel left out? If they don't see her very often and aren't close to her, I can't imagine it would bother them too much.

And if she can’t see that she’s being unfair just gifting one child then that’s not someone I want in mine or my childrens lives tbh

😮😮😳

This thread shows me why so many MNers struggle to make/keep friends. Imagine telling a friend off for buying your kid a gift!

Sorry but what is so shocking about putting my children as my priority?🤨

*several gifts whilst ignoring the boys essentially. Why should they be treated differently?

why am I shocked?
this is my perspective :

1. Your friends aren’t obliged to buy gifts for your sons. (Someone suggested you could buy them a little treat and you said you didn’t fancy spending the money 🤣)
2. If someone buys a gift for your daughter ( or any of your children) the appropriate response is gratitude. Not to tell them off or ask for more gifts for your other children.

regarding your analysis that you “need to put your children first”- You are being massively precious. Your children are different people and will have different experiences in life. Not everything they receive will be exactly the same. This is not a problem and it isn’t harmful to them. If your friend was a significant person in their life- eg their grandparent/ a caregiver, then this different treatment might be problematic as it might impact their self esteem/
self worth. However, Given that your friend has no meaningful relationship with any of your children it’s not something that can be reasonably be expected to have that effect.
having said that, if you are adamant in protecting your boys from any minor disappointment then there are
very basic practical measures that you could take- give your dd present when boys aren’t around, give your dd present at times when boys are receiving a different treat , regift present.
instead you chose to treaT your friend with rudeness , and throw her generosity back in her face.
im shocked that you value your friends so little and consider them so disposable.

I haven’t ‘told her off’ or expected her to buy gifts for all my children. I have asked that she doesn’t just buy for one because it’s not very fair, simple as.

I’m with you op. The problem with the generosity towards your daughter is the message it sends to your sons - i don’t like you as much. Pretty horrible. My kids would certainly notice. I’d send a message saying pls stop, it’s upsetting for the other kids to see you favouring one. And then give any gifts she sends to charity/someone else. Don’t rubber stamp this conduct - your gut is telling you it’s wrong, so it’s wrong. Your kids, your rules.

You’ve done the right thing definitely.

Strange that people don’t see how wrong it was.

You have noticed how much older the OP's DSs are than than their DSis haven't you @YerArseInParsley?

Do you believe then in keeping your children wrapped in cottonwood until they are 18, Parsley?

I think that 10 years old is actually a good age to start teaching and preparing our children in a (hopefully) safe place - their home - about the realities of life. Of course it is important to start that off gently, and I think their lack of gifts from their Mum's friend (of 2 years), would have been a good and gentle way to start.

It is comments like yours and the OP's that make my mind boggle Parsley. I can believe anything of human beings now that I am a crone and have witnessed the world turning. But I still find it sad and frustrating that anyone responsible for a child, does not believe in preparing them for the world in an easily managed situation.

I'm with you on this one - especially if the gifts are girly and not very high value. This would have been a good opportunity for the boys to learn a life lesson. My dh has very different ideas which I find damaging eg as a birthday present for dd1 when she was about 9 he bought some stick on earrings ( hey big spender) and then gave some to dd2 as well! Another birthday he bought 2 new mattresses for their beds and as it was around the time of dd1's birthday he said hers was a birthday present! She is now in her 30s and dh has no input in presents for any of our dc now.

@Ilovepugs2017 why should they be treated differently? Because they are different people! Shocker they are going to be treated differently by everyone outside their immediate family for the rest of their lives!

yes perhaps they will be but maybe I don’t want them being treated like that by a friend of mine!

You know It’s actually important for kids to be treated differently so they feel respected as individuals. See twin threads where twin parents often advise to friends that it’s much better to buy for one twin and not the other than to buy them both the same gift!
(As noted of course it’s diff if it’s family or someone close to them as that would communicate something about value / worth)

Buying twins different gifts, yes. But I have never, ever seen a thread where a mum says "please buy one of my twins a gift and dont buy the other twin anything" ever!

Agree with you OP. I wouldn't like this and I am too surprised so many people don't see an issue with this.

This, for sure. If she gets enough returned gifts, she may just get the hint.

Maybe she can’t afford to buy all 3? It could also be a yearning for little girl stuff. She might have really wanted a girl. Try to appreciate what she is doing not what she’s not doing. I can understand you want everyone to treat them all the same, as you probably do, but that’s life it’s probably not going to happen. Just make a joke about it to your boys it’s not difficult. If you’re that bothered get them a little treat to make up for it. You’re reading far too much into it, it’s all swings and roundabouts.

Try reading the OP's updates. The friend has agreed after the OP spoke to her so there's no need for such passive aggressive shit eh?

Urghh my ex sister in law did this with my daughter. My son got left out of everything. Eventually I moved 400 miles away and now we just don't have to see her 😂

You need to treat your children equally, she doesn’t. If she has a special fondness towards your daughter, great, it won’t damage your sons.

I agree with OP. Children are observant and may get upset or jealous at missing out or thinking someone doesn't like them. I say 'may' but I think it's more than likely.

That's fine once they're adults and have the skills and maturity to deal with situations - but they're not adults.

And this is why so many families seem dysfunctional on here. No wonder so many are lc or no with people. It’s just inconceivable to me that people think it’s ok to treat kids differently.

Both my kids have commented that out of their friends they seem to be the only ones to have normal non screwed up families. I see why now.