Friend treating my children differently

[Ilovepugs2017]

A friend of mine who doesn’t live locally to me treats my children differently and I’m not quite sure how to approach it.

I have two boys and a girl and she seems to favour the girl 👧 as we live a fair distance from each other we always send little gifts to each other now and again and she usually sends something for my little girl but now for the boys.

same with their birthdays, she made the effort to buy my little girl a gift but again not the boys.

I have politely said that whilst my little girl appreciates the gifts the boys feel left out but she’s still doing it. How else can I approach this? I feel like she’s not getting the message. I don’t want to hurt her feelings but I believe all my children should be treated the same

Why not just take it in the vein it’s intended? It’s supposed to be a nice gesture for your daughter. A gesture she doesn’t have to make. At all.

If I had a friend who had multiple children and I bought one of the children a gift because I saw something they would like and they acted like you, I’d be bloody annoyed and never want to get any of them anything ever again.

friends are not family. Therefore they don’t carry the same obligations as relatives to treat children equally.

This isn’t about my feelings.

My 10 year old actually said it feels like your friend likes (name) more than us. The 12 year old its more ‘how come (name) is always sending (name) gifts but not us?’

I disagree as do many others on this thread.
Luckily my friend can see my perspective on this :)

So? Why didn’t you just tell them that your friend had seen something your daughter would like and sent her it?

why feed into it?

So you think friends are obligated to treat your children the same way they’d treat family?

I don't understand why she is doing this. It's wrong to favour or send gifts to one child excluding others and really just rather odd. I would feel troubled and confused as to why she is doing this. If it was me I would definitely have to ask why.

I agree OP. If she can't or won't send to all then no gifts. My best friend was desperate for a girl and has boys. I have a girl. She loves to send her girl things. But if I had boys she'd send gifts for them. This is really wrong of her and I cannot understand why she thinks it's OK to leave your boys out

I'd be very direct, personally, but that's not necessarily the best way to maintain a friendship one values.

Maybe you can stop buying presents for her son and you (diplomatically) reinforce your boundaries, requesting that she not send your daughter presents.

I don't think I could pursue a friendship with a friend who so overtly favoured one child.

Because it’s happened on several occasions. if it’s just once or twice maybe I could have done that

This. I mean, surely everyone has the ‘not everyone gets invited to everything/the same amounts of presents/feels equally connected to everyone else’ conversation with their children periodically?

I would worry, OP, that your own obviously strong feelings about this are warping your judgement, and you’re bringing up children who will always be the ones checking to make sure no one else’s slice of cake is a minute bit bigger than theirs, because that’s what they’ve been taught.

You see it a lot on here, people anxiously counting up play date ‘reciprocation’ or how many dinner parties the friends you invited invited you to, and some posters aggressively recommending ‘cutting people off’ if there’s no quid pro quo. It’s a depressingly petty and transactional view of human relationships.

All you’ve achieved here is presumably no more little presents for your daughter.

I was in full agreement with you until you mentioned the age of your sons. Is your friend picking up little cute gifts/outfits that she's found when out and about? At age 5 it can often be a couple of pounds for a t shirt/little toy.

For an almost teenage boy (or girl for that matter) it's absolutely not so easy to pick up a 'little something' as a treat. I've taken to giving my god children of similar ages to your sons money so that they can pick what they want. Alternatively I may buy some sort of sports clothing that I feel they may like but make sure I get a gift receipt, kids that age can be super picky.

There is a big difference in little gifts for a 5 year old versus almost teens in my opinion (happy to be wrong)

Your friend sounds lovely in how she has taken your feelings on board.

But this isn’t about play dates, birthday parties or how many gifts each child has. Obviously that all differs. Your missing the point which is the fact that my friend is favouring one of my children over the other two which to me is unacceptable.

Anyway we will have to agree to disagree on this :)

Personally I'd distance myself from this friend.
Inviting you and only 1 out of 3 of your children is just weird. Showering one child with gifts while completely ignoring the other ones is just nasty. I'd be worried about resentment building between the children and their relationship is too important to risk that. Your kids are your priority and more important than your friend. Your boys might grow up and wonder why you didn't put a stop to it.

If you really want to keep the friendship, I'd explain how you feel about the obvious favouritism and tell her not to send gifts for any of them.

I don’t get those disagreeing with you. Even if I enjoyed girly presents and enjoyed the company of a girl better than her brothers I would still try to treat them evenly as children notice such things and it bothers them.

Yeah I get what you mean.
The thing is that it isn’t just birthdays for example. It will be randomly throughout the year. Always something for my daughter but never anything for my sons. Then on birthdays she will make the effort to buy my daughter gifts and a card where as when it’s the boys birthdays she will send me a text to say oh wish (name) a happy birthday from me.

Yes thankfully she’s understood where I’m coming from 😊

Yes it definitely does. I believe in children being treated fairly.
It’s good that even my daughters school implement this, for example they won’t give out party invites unless the whole class is invited just so that no children are feeling left out. I 100% agree with this

Yes and this is exactly why I’ve had to say something because I will not tolerate my children feeling left out by someone who is meant to be a close friend to me. I’ve noticed it’s bothered them hence why I’ve taken action because I won’t allow this to carry on tbh.

I have explained my feelings about this to her now and luckily she has taken it on board and understands where I’m coming from.

I see, that does change matters I must say, for one child to get card and gifts versus just a text for your sons. I'm sorry, I hope that she's now reflecting.

Glad you got the issue resolved (hopefully) @Ilovepugs2017

It did strike me that the difference in ages/cost may have played a part…

Generally from age ten from family members I received money bday/Xmas only, and all the little gifts from my Mums friends dried up as I was perceived to be too old and not a little girl anymore being a preteen/teenager.

If you have only contributed singular presents to her son then she may find it irritating to have to dig in for three.

To have your child receive £15.00 worth and then have to fork out £50.00 is irritating and you have to draw the line somewhere.

Anyway, can understand your point of view regardless the older age/number of children. The boys will still be miffed to be differentiated from their sister - particularly when in school/due to puberty there will be a lot to set them out as at a different life stage already.

It ask her to stop sending gifts for your dd as the inequity is bad for all the dc.

Glad she's listened.

She has no particular reason to be closer to your DD than to your DSs, that's why her behaviour was off.

A godparent to one child. Understandable. If she had a DD who was best friends with your DD and she bought both girls things because your DD spends a lot of time at her house, again, understandable. But there is no situational reason why she should be closer to your DD than your DSs so she is showing favouritism on the sole basis that she is a girl. And that's not nice.

The OP has already said her son has mentioned that her friend likes her daughter more than them because of the gift situation.

Keep the gifts and hide them, donate to charity shop. I wouldn’t let one child get a gift and the others nothing as this is not ok. Rather than lose a friend just intercept the gift, if friend asks about it just say no I didn’t give it to her as her brothers don’t get a gift and I don’t want them feeling inferior to her.

It's probably because your friend hasn't got a dd and enjoys buying the things for girls. I have a few friends that do this for my dd as they have ds and want to buy the girls stuff.
I'd not say it's unfair to your friend I'd just say we've decided not to do gifts going forward but thank you for all you've got so far, a card will be fine.

I’m so surprised by the answers on here!

How are so many grown adults dismissing this and saying it’s completely fine to treat children differently. It’s not! These are children! They don’t understand the complex reasons why this woman wants to spoil their sister and not them. All they will see if their sibling getting gifts and them not. What does that teach them..? They’re not good enough or as worthy? It’s not like their sister is doing anything to earn the gifts, it’s not a birthday, but she’s getting something they aren’t. Can people really not see how that would feel to a child? I’m so shocked you’re being told you’re unreasonable here.

I don’t care if your friend means well or wishes she had a daughter so wants to buy cute stuff. She’s a grown woman and can deal with her own issues. It’s unfair to make those issues your children’s problem.

and as for you buying gifts for your boys when she does this - wtaf? No! As well meaning as she is, her actions are not in the best interests of your children, and she’s the adult here so needs to adjust her behaviour. Just because she “means well” doesn’t mean her actions aren’t harmful