Page 7 | Friend treating my children differently

Ilovepugs2017 · 2023-05-23T16:41:25+00:00

A friend of mine who doesn’t live locally to me treats my children differently and I’m not quite sure how to approach it. I have two boys and a girl and she seems to favour the girl 👧 as we live a fair distance from each other we always send little gifts to each other now and again and she usually sends something for my little girl but now for the boys. same with their birthdays, she made the effort to buy my little girl a gift but again not the boys. I have politely said that whilst my little girl appreciates the gifts the boys feel left out but she’s still doing it. How else can I approach this? I feel like she’s not getting the message. I don’t want to hurt her feelings but I believe all my children should be treated the same

EmptyBedBlues · 25/05/2023 14:10

Feelinadequate23 · 25/05/2023 13:39

OP I think you’ve been really rude to your poor friend! She was doing something nice! Having 3 kids means people aren’t going to volunteer to treat them all or take them all out as 3 is just too many - it’s expensive and time consuming. Obviously you have to treat them all the same as they’re your kids and you chose to have them! Grandparents also as they are close family.

But others absolutely not! Didn’t you ever have a relative or family friend you were closer to? One of my uncles much preferred my brother to me as they were both interested in football. I was fine with that! Equally another uncle preferred me as we are both quite calm and quiet whereas my brother is very boisterous. Didn’t scar my brother one bit! Our godparents also differed a lot in approach - my bro got lots of little presents throughout childhood whereas I just got one big one at 18. It did us good to learn to accept life isn’t perfect but we were still ok.

IMO you’ve missed a chance to teach your sons a useful skill here - to understand people don’t always get the same things and life works out differently for everyone. You should be modelling to them how to calmly accept this and move on, not validating some imaginary hurt. Obviously it would be different if friend was being actively horrible to sons, saying mean things to them etc. but she’s not! She’s just doing something nice for your daughter.

I think this is a perfectly sensible approach.

Original poster

Ilovepugs2017 · 25/05/2023 15:04

Terrribletwos · 23/05/2023 22:44

I don't understand why she is doing this. It's wrong to favour or send gifts to one child excluding others and really just rather odd. I would feel troubled and confused as to why she is doing this. If it was me I would definitely have to ask why.

I don’t understand why either tbh. I’ve just politely asked that she doesn’t do it from now forward as it’s unfair on my other two children

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Ilovepugs2017 · 25/05/2023 15:06

momonpurpose · 23/05/2023 22:46

I agree OP. If she can't or won't send to all then no gifts. My best friend was desperate for a girl and has boys. I have a girl. She loves to send her girl things. But if I had boys she'd send gifts for them. This is really wrong of her and I cannot understand why she thinks it's OK to leave your boys out

I don’t understand why she’s done it either. I know she only has one child which is a boy but if it came to birthdays etc I would always try and make the effort to spend a bit more on her and her son as I know it would be expensive buying for all three of my children. Tbh I honestly don’t expect her to get anything for any of them and I’m sure a happy birthday message would suffice for all three of them, I just don’t understand why she is sending gifts for one and not the other two. As I said previously it is just birthdays it’s randomly throughout the year aswell

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Ilovepugs2017 · 25/05/2023 15:08

Ontheperiphery79 · 23/05/2023 22:47

I'd be very direct, personally, but that's not necessarily the best way to maintain a friendship one values.

Maybe you can stop buying presents for her son and you (diplomatically) reinforce your boundaries, requesting that she not send your daughter presents.

I don't think I could pursue a friendship with a friend who so overtly favoured one child.

I have been a bit more direct in how I’ve addressed it this time and luckily I think she’s got the point. It hasn’t affected our friendship because I do think she understands now that I’ve explained

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Ilovepugs2017 · 25/05/2023 15:10

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 24/05/2023 01:34

Glad she's listened.

She has no particular reason to be closer to your DD than to your DSs, that's why her behaviour was off.

A godparent to one child. Understandable. If she had a DD who was best friends with your DD and she bought both girls things because your DD spends a lot of time at her house, again, understandable. But there is no situational reason why she should be closer to your DD than your DSs so she is showing favouritism on the sole basis that she is a girl. And that's not nice.

Exactly this.

All the time we’ve spent together my 3 children have been there alongside her son so there’s no reason why she should be favouring one over the other two

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Ilovepugs2017 · 25/05/2023 15:11

Saucemonkey · 24/05/2023 08:25

Keep the gifts and hide them, donate to charity shop. I wouldn’t let one child get a gift and the others nothing as this is not ok. Rather than lose a friend just intercept the gift, if friend asks about it just say no I didn’t give it to her as her brothers don’t get a gift and I don’t want them feeling inferior to her.

I had mentioned it to her previously but she didn’t seem to get the point and just kinda changed the subject so I’ve had to be a bit more direct this time, seems to have worked though as she says she understands where I’m coming from. She has now send if she sends gifts in the future she will send a joint gift that they can share like a box of chocolates

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Ilovepugs2017 · 25/05/2023 15:13

misskatamari · 24/05/2023 09:52

I’m so surprised by the answers on here!

How are so many grown adults dismissing this and saying it’s completely fine to treat children differently. It’s not! These are children! They don’t understand the complex reasons why this woman wants to spoil their sister and not them. All they will see if their sibling getting gifts and them not. What does that teach them..? They’re not good enough or as worthy? It’s not like their sister is doing anything to earn the gifts, it’s not a birthday, but she’s getting something they aren’t. Can people really not see how that would feel to a child? I’m so shocked you’re being told you’re unreasonable here.

I don’t care if your friend means well or wishes she had a daughter so wants to buy cute stuff. She’s a grown woman and can deal with her own issues. It’s unfair to make those issues your children’s problem.

and as for you buying gifts for your boys when she does this - wtaf? No! As well meaning as she is, her actions are not in the best interests of your children, and she’s the adult here so needs to adjust her behaviour. Just because she “means well” doesn’t mean her actions aren’t harmful

I honestly couldn’t agree more with this post!

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Ilovepugs2017 · 25/05/2023 15:15

JustAnotherOpinion123 · 24/05/2023 22:19

Definitely with you with this OP. I could understand if you'd met this friend because your dd and her ds were friends, or there was some other connection like that, but that doesn't seem to be the case.
My best friend has 2 boys and I love them both equally, can't imagine turning up at their house with a present for just one of them (unless it was a birthday) nor do I think she'd be happy if I did. I frequently find things I think one of them will like, but I buy them and keep hold of them until I find something for the other child or keep a note for birthdays/Christmas.

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Yes exactly. They have no connection other than me and her being friends. As I said before I don’t want to seem ungrateful but my children come first and I believe her actions in terms of favouring one child over the other two isn’t nice

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Ilovepugs2017 · 25/05/2023 15:17

TheMeaningOfLife · 25/05/2023 02:07

I would tell your sons “x doesn’t have a daughter of her own so she is indulging in her desire to buy girlie things and your sister is getting the benefit”. I don’t think it is worth losing a friendship over nor can you insist your friend buys for three rather than one. Life isn’t always fair, some people have more, maybe this is a chance to teach your boys that. My only aunt blatantly favoured my sister when it came to gifts, money etc. and my parents did not have the money to compensate. I got over it and it became a joke with my sister as we got older.

I wouldn’t ever insist she buys for all 3 but I definitely think it would be fairer to not buy for any of them rather than just one.

I don’t want to lose the friendship really hence why I’ve asked for advice here on how is best to approach it in a direct but not horrible way because the last thing I wanted to do was upset/offend her

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Ilovepugs2017 · 25/05/2023 15:20

FFSFF · 25/05/2023 05:27

Yes thankfully she’s understood where I’m coming from 😊

Does she though?

I also can't understand how so many people on here think this is OK. Children come before friendships and their feeling matter - regardless of gender or age.

OP, if your friend ignores your requests and keeps doing this, I would distance myself from her permanently.

Well she says she understands so we will see how things go from here I guess. My little girls birthday is coming up soon and she was asking me what she is into at the moment etc! So I wanted to get it out in the open before she ends up getting something. My sons birthday is 8 days after and as I said previously I’d end up just having a text to say ‘oh wish x an happy birthday from me’.

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Ilovepugs2017 · 25/05/2023 15:22

silverfullmoon · 25/05/2023 06:21

I'm glad your friend has listened OP and I think you did absolutely the right thing. I'm actually quite shocked that some people have said its fine to shower one child with gifts and ignore others based solely on their gender. I wonder how they'd feel if it was your sons she was favouring solely because she didnt have a son. My guess is the responses would be very different then. Thats really messed up and the fact your boys have noticed this and asked why she prefers your daughter is evidence that its hurtful to kids and they do notice.

Ignore the people who said you are "ungrateful", you arent, you've explained multiple times that you appreciate the gesture greatly but feel it would be better to give no gifts than favour only one child. Thats perfectly reasonable and understandable.

Thank you 😊
I do believe I’ve done the right thing as it has been bugging me and I needed to say exactly how my boys are feeling about it and how it’s unfair to treat them differently.
Im just hoping things change from here forward as she has said she understands

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Ilovepugs2017 · 25/05/2023 15:22

FabFitFifties · 25/05/2023 06:57

Is she your daughter's God Mother?

No she isn’t. She’s nothing to do with my daughter really. Just a friend of mine

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Ilovepugs2017 · 25/05/2023 15:27

RG89 · 25/05/2023 06:25

I am shocked how many people seem to find this ok! i have one child, most my friends have multiple, one has 5, if I'm getting for one child of a family, I'm getting for all! It won't always be of equal value as I go to their tastes not costs, but it will always be around the same amount, because it's wrong to show favouritism to a friend's kids. Kids aren't stupid, they notice a lot!

Exactly and I’m the exact same as you with other peoples kids. Children are quite sensitive and they notice more than people often realise

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JenJuni · 25/05/2023 16:10

I think it can be tricky when you can only afford one proper child’s gift, maybe give her ideas of low cost gifts that she could afford three of?

NoThanksymm · 25/05/2023 16:12

You’re being unreasonable.

your kids are loved and your little girl has a special relationship with an ‘auntie’ type. This little girl gets to feel special. Aunts are very very important for little girls (research supported, Google it).

the boys might need a special person too. Manage that. Not your friend.

a potential perspective from your friend. She’s shopping, sees something cute and girly she loves and thinks of your child (yay love!). Not so much for the boys, maybe as you mentioned as she has a boy.

and you are selfish enough to be trying to shut down this simple joy. OR to demand MORE presents.

YTA.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 25/05/2023 17:13

NoThanksymm · 25/05/2023 16:12

You’re being unreasonable.

your kids are loved and your little girl has a special relationship with an ‘auntie’ type. This little girl gets to feel special. Aunts are very very important for little girls (research supported, Google it).

the boys might need a special person too. Manage that. Not your friend.

a potential perspective from your friend. She’s shopping, sees something cute and girly she loves and thinks of your child (yay love!). Not so much for the boys, maybe as you mentioned as she has a boy.

and you are selfish enough to be trying to shut down this simple joy. OR to demand MORE presents.

YTA.

But the ops dd doesn't have a special relationship with this woman, she is only her mum's friend, nothing more than that, exactly the same relationship as the ops 2 ds have

Original poster

Ilovepugs2017 · 25/05/2023 17:24

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 25/05/2023 17:13

But the ops dd doesn't have a special relationship with this woman, she is only her mum's friend, nothing more than that, exactly the same relationship as the ops 2 ds have

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Exactly this. She isn’t an aunt or anyone even remotely close to her. She has the same relationship with all 3 children. As I have said previously I’ve never expected her to get any gifts in the first place. She’s made the choice to just give things to one of my children on several occasions randomly throughout the year and on birthdays

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Ilovepugs2017 · 25/05/2023 17:25

JenJuni · 25/05/2023 16:10

I think it can be tricky when you can only afford one proper child’s gift, maybe give her ideas of low cost gifts that she could afford three of?

The issue is that it’s several times throughout the year and on my DD’s birthday but my sons are always excluded. Now I have spoken to her about this, she has said in future she will buy a joint gift like some chocolate they can share

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SnackQueen · 25/05/2023 17:57

Meanwhile, I do think you need to take a chill pill with this whole "what about my other children!!!!" wail-fest mindset. It's exhausting and a sure fire way to create neurotic kids with persecution complexes.

silverfullmoon · 25/05/2023 18:53

NoThanksymm · 25/05/2023 16:12

You’re being unreasonable.

your kids are loved and your little girl has a special relationship with an ‘auntie’ type. This little girl gets to feel special. Aunts are very very important for little girls (research supported, Google it).

the boys might need a special person too. Manage that. Not your friend.

a potential perspective from your friend. She’s shopping, sees something cute and girly she loves and thinks of your child (yay love!). Not so much for the boys, maybe as you mentioned as she has a boy.

and you are selfish enough to be trying to shut down this simple joy. OR to demand MORE presents.

YTA.

Did you even read the thread? She doesn’t have a “special aunty relationship” fgs. OP has only met this woman a “handful of times”. This woman has barely interacted with OPs daughter!

Original poster

Ilovepugs2017 · 25/05/2023 19:43

SnackQueen · 25/05/2023 17:57

Meanwhile, I do think you need to take a chill pill with this whole "what about my other children!!!!" wail-fest mindset. It's exhausting and a sure fire way to create neurotic kids with persecution complexes.

So because I care about my kids feelings and actually listen to their feelings it’s going to make them neurotic? Ok then 🤔😂

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CM1897 · 25/05/2023 20:48

Ilovepugs2017 · 23/05/2023 18:02

I just would rather her not bother at all than favour one child over the other two because it’s not nice. They have noticed and said how come your friend always sends things for -daughters name-.

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It could be the fact she only has a son, and doesn’t get to enjoy shopping for a girl herself. Maybe deep down she wants a daughter, and likes buying girlie things. It’s no excuse, but it may explain it a bit

YerArseInParsley · 25/05/2023 21:33

@Feelinadequate23

No, she should be doing what she wants. If OP doesn't want her kids treated differently then that's her choice. I think it's pretty sh!t someone would constantly send 1 kid something and leave the others out. The friend could send a gift for the daughter then next time one of the sons then the other son has a turn or none at all.

YerArseInParsley · 25/05/2023 21:35

@Ilovepugs2017

Some comments make the mind boggle. I can't believe anyone would be OK with this situation.

Tandora · 25/05/2023 21:39

baloosbaloos · 23/05/2023 18:24

@Paramummy3 I expect that’s the explanation. SO much cute girl stuff around, she probably just relishes the chance to buy it. Seems a bit churlish to make such a big deal of it. She’s not a family member, she doesn’t have to treat them exactly equal, anything she gets for any of your kids is a bonus. You could always buy your sons an extra treat to make up for it when it happens.

This . YABVU. Anything she gives any of your children is a kindness, she’s not obliged to buy for all three. Just give it to her without making a big deal, buy the boys an extra treat, or if it really has to be such a drama then regift. You would be incredibly rude and ungrateful to complain,