Friend treating my children differently

[Ilovepugs2017]

A friend of mine who doesn’t live locally to me treats my children differently and I’m not quite sure how to approach it.

I have two boys and a girl and she seems to favour the girl 👧 as we live a fair distance from each other we always send little gifts to each other now and again and she usually sends something for my little girl but now for the boys.

same with their birthdays, she made the effort to buy my little girl a gift but again not the boys.

I have politely said that whilst my little girl appreciates the gifts the boys feel left out but she’s still doing it. How else can I approach this? I feel like she’s not getting the message. I don’t want to hurt her feelings but I believe all my children should be treated the same

Definitely with you with this OP. I could understand if you'd met this friend because your dd and her ds were friends, or there was some other connection like that, but that doesn't seem to be the case.
My best friend has 2 boys and I love them both equally, can't imagine turning up at their house with a present for just one of them (unless it was a birthday) nor do I think she'd be happy if I did. I frequently find things I think one of them will like, but I buy them and keep hold of them until I find something for the other child or keep a note for birthdays/Christmas.

I would tell your sons “x doesn’t have a daughter of her own so she is indulging in her desire to buy girlie things and your sister is getting the benefit”. I don’t think it is worth losing a friendship over nor can you insist your friend buys for three rather than one. Life isn’t always fair, some people have more, maybe this is a chance to teach your boys that. My only aunt blatantly favoured my sister when it came to gifts, money etc. and my parents did not have the money to compensate. I got over it and it became a joke with my sister as we got older.

I think this too, probably just sees cute girly things and gets them. Maybe she just feels a closer bond with your daughter. I think it's lovely

It's so much easier to buy for a girl then a boy, I have 2 of each and find I can always buy my girls loads of cute nic nacks but never find anything for the lads, same for birthdays!
Me and my best friend find this, il always pick stuff up for her dc if I see it useful for them. Her dd loves Harry Potter so if I see something she will love il get it. Theirs loads of little cute things but Her ds isn't into much other then football so it's limited to what to get him ? So I often buy one without the other
Weve both Never seen it like this

Yes thankfully she’s understood where I’m coming from 😊

Does she though?

I also can't understand how so many people on here think this is OK. Children come before friendships and their feeling matter - regardless of gender or age.

OP, if your friend ignores your requests and keeps doing this, I would distance myself from her permanently.

I'm glad your friend has listened OP and I think you did absolutely the right thing. I'm actually quite shocked that some people have said its fine to shower one child with gifts and ignore others based solely on their gender. I wonder how they'd feel if it was your sons she was favouring solely because she didnt have a son. My guess is the responses would be very different then. Thats really messed up and the fact your boys have noticed this and asked why she prefers your daughter is evidence that its hurtful to kids and they do notice.

Ignore the people who said you are "ungrateful", you arent, you've explained multiple times that you appreciate the gesture greatly but feel it would be better to give no gifts than favour only one child. Thats perfectly reasonable and understandable.

I am shocked how many people seem to find this ok! i have one child, most my friends have multiple, one has 5, if I'm getting for one child of a family, I'm getting for all! It won't always be of equal value as I go to their tastes not costs, but it will always be around the same amount, because it's wrong to show favouritism to a friend's kids. Kids aren't stupid, they notice a lot!

Do you buy for her son? If so, perhaps suggest that you both stop exchanging gifts altogether. It might help to side step the issue without any confrontation.

Hi Op, I’m glad you have managed to get the situation sorted with your friend, as per your update.

I have a few questions - your sons are older (10 and 12) than your daughter (5), did your friend ever buy your sons presents in the years before your daughter was born? How long have you known your friend? How long have you known your friend’s teenage son who you buy presents for?

Bit strange she only just started buying presents five years ago when your daughter was born. Or did you meet your friend just before you had your daughter, maybe she feels closer to your daughter because she has known her from birth as opposed to your sons (that is if you’ve only know this friend for 5/6/7 years…?)

I’m not saying what friend is doing is “right” (I would buy for all three) but I’m maybe just trying to shed some light as to why your friend does this. However, if your friend has known your sons since THEY were born then this whole situation feels more strange.

Good luck.

if you’ve spoken to her and it’s gone unnoticed but you also value her friendship…why not simply set aside the gifts? Re-wrap then for Christmas then the boys won’t know tue difference and she’s still getting the gift from Santa in her stocking.

Don't give her the gifts save them for an occasion. Unless it is clothes. It's not about whether it is right or wrong to do something like that, it's the fact you mentioned you are not happy with it and she continues doing this.

Is she your daughter's God Mother?

Sorry but I just don’t subscribe to this have to treat everyone the same crap.

As their parent you do but other people can develop individual relationships and it’s not healthy to teach your kids they are entitled to something just because a sibling has it.

Unless you’re planning to dish out girlfriends and equally paying jobs for the rest of their lives?

My great aunty who sadly died this year used to always get me presents - she had a thing for buying me handbags from jumble sales (1970s Liverpool)!! She never used to get my brother anything. I think he way relieved he didn't have to say he was thankful. Later on as an adult she used to send me postal orders. Again she didn't send my brother anything but then by that point I had a good relationship with her and he doesn't bother with anyone. She had 2 sons but no daughters.

Out of nosiness interest @Ilovepugs2017 how did you meet this friend 2 years ago, and why/how have you become such close friends in such a short time-frame - especially as you say you have only actually met in the flesh "a handful of times"?

I am interested in this aspect because if you weren't such "close friends" it would surely be easier to just let the friendship quietly slip away, rather than either of you giving each other rules on your behaviours within the friendship.

To me, the age difference between your DD and her siblings does make a legitimate reason for the difference in treatment given by your friend. A 5 year old is still very young, and I think it is a natural instinct in many of us, to want to give the "baby" of the family lots of little treats, and cute toys and clothes for 5 year olds will catch our eyes (and imagination much more than the equivalent for
10 + aged children.

If your DD had been a "later in life" addition to the family, and her siblings were 20 and 22, would you still expect your DFriend to buy treats for them as well, and if not, at what age would you consider that it was alright to not include your older children? In other words, what age is your cut-off line?

I think that if I had ever been in your situation, I would have just smiled at my youngest getting little presents, and said to the other two (if they noticed anyway) well that's the perks of being only 5, whereas you two have the perks of staying up later, watching more interesting films, getting to make a lot more choices, not having to be in the same room as us when my friends come to visit, you two can go on sleepovers with your friends (if that is something they do) etc etc etc!

I am a great believer in equality and fairness, but I am also a big believer in children having more independence the older they get, and them learning about some of the "not too harsh" realities of life, and that outside of the family the older they get, the less interested parents friends will have in them - these are just a few examples. They will soon not even be at home when your friend visits OP, and it is human nature for adults to become less interested in teenage children, and then the adult children of their friends and acquaintances, unless we are talking about long-held friendships of the parents, where each child has been known since birth.

In my opinion you are making this a far too serious problem OP, when you should just be teaching your children to laugh it off. I am actually embarrassed for you that you told your friend that every time she gets your 5 year old a present, or a treat, she has to do the same for the (quite a bit) older ones. To me that is very bad manners on your part. However, I do hope that you are right about your friend taking it well, and understanding your slightly ott reasons, and that it wasn't just her initial reaction to you until what you said sinks in.

Please try and relax a little OP, or through bitter experience, I can warn you that it is going to be a long and very tiring life. I wish I hadn't been brought up to expect to give and receive perfection - it is impossible, and again, imo, not even desirable.

Are your boys actually upset by their sister getting presents? Or do they just notice & have a minor grumble?
If they're not upset by it, I'd be inclined to leave it & let your friend carry on. I do totally understand what you're saying & it would annoy me too, but your friend is trying to do a nice thing, albeit unfairly, & doesn't seem worth making a major issue out of.
Obviously if your boys are getting upset over it, that's a different matter & needs to be addressed!

But that's your motto @Ilovepugs2017 , it doesn't mean it has to be hers?

I can't imagine asking a friend not to buy one gift if they're not also going to buy 2 more! A family member yes, probably I would, but a friend, absolutely not. To me that's incredibly rude and ungrateful.

I had someone do this. Of course the kids notice. I said it was very kind to buy xxx birthday gifts but please stop as it will have an impact on all 3 of the children that someone they see regularly only buys gifts for one of them. They took it well. They buy them an equal small gift for Xmas now instead.

This wouldn’t bother me really. So what if she buys your daughter stuff as she has a little soft spot for her? I’d tell the boys exactly that, I have both boys and girls and this wouldn’t bother me.

I wouldn't buy something for only one sibling, that's just mean. It would be different if it was a different sibling each time so, whilst they didn't all get a gift at the same time, no one was left out.

I'm amazed people think it's OK, especially given pretty much everyone usually thinks it's mean to leave just a couple of children out of a birthday party.

"Oh yes, it's just because X prefers your sister". 😂😂

It is a bit rough on your boys but it’s not the end of the world. Just tell them that your friend is very fond of your daughter. Not everything can be equal all the time. Your friend just probably loves buying girly stuff. You can’t make her buy stuff for all your children. Just say thank you. I have lots of siblings and some of them were favourites of various friends or relatives. For example my sister is really musical so my uncle gave her his guitar. I wasn’t jealous. Kids have to learn to be happy for each other and learn that some people connect more than others. Don’t obsess about it.

I think its more to do with her being much younger,than her being a girl, people like to 'treat little ones. I'm 7 and 9 years older respectively than my 2 siblings. I remember as a child getting lots of sweets/little pressies off visitors/relatives but then they tailed off and my two little siblings started getting them and people stopped buying me random treats/toys . Never bothered me as l understood it was because they were now the 'little ones'.

I really don't get all the angst about treating the children equally at all times.
Your friend prefers your DD, that doesn't mean she hates your son's.
I think by saying it's all or nothing, you look a bit grabby and are denying your DD the chance to feel a little bit favoured for once.
Growing up I knew I was the favoured grandchild for one set of my grandparents and very much not for the other! Both of these experiences were actually very good life lessons. Life isn't always fair and denying someone something because you can't have it too is pretty selfish.

I understand how you are feeling. If you feel uncomfortable - I would distant yourself. That being said it is important to understand that you children will not be treated equally by others particularly as they are different ages.