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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tell me boring dh is wrong

202 replies

suzysaysrelax · 16/05/2023 18:47

I'll prefix by saying he's not completely wrong. I know travel with little dc is hard work but he is sucking the enjoyment out of life and I guess I'm just a bit fed up.

For context we've been married 5 years, I have two primary age dc from previous marriage and we have a 1 year old dd together. Dd is hard work. She doesn't sleep well and is a bit highly strung and tantrummy. However nothing out of the ordinary I'd say.

Life at the moment is relentless. We work, do school runs, go to bed, repeat. We have no help and never really get a break or the chance to go out together. On a few occasions I've suggested family weekends away/holidays (not abroad just in the UK) and am constantly met with excuses and negativity. How will it work with dd? She'll just cry. B&b wouldn't be suitable, nor would caravan because she'd cry and wake everyone up. Absolutely can't even begin to think about taking her on a plane. Her routine will be out of sync it'll just basically be hell.

I just find it so depressing and his lack of enthusiasm winds me up. Its also unfair on older dc who never get to go anywhere. The obvious answer is to go away without him but I suffer quite badly with anxiety especially surrounding travel and I'm also a very nervous driver on motorways. I've not done it for years. I feel like I need him on board because I can't cope otherwise. But he just isn't. I'm trying to work on my anxiety for my dc sake and with his support I would be happy to go away but he just comes up with a problem or negativity for everything.

Aibu to want to do stuff with my dc while they are still young? Is he just making up excuses?

OP posts:
Testina · 16/05/2023 18:50

Is it possible he’s using your daughter as an excuse, because he finds supporting your travel anxiety difficult?

ComtesseDeSpair · 16/05/2023 18:52

I can see both sides. Your lives sound pretty crap at the moment, and something to look forward to and a break from the drudge is essential if you aren’t all going to burn out. On the other hand, a miserable, tantrumming, non-sleeping baby is going to be just as stressful and energy-sapping on holiday as at home, so on the face of it it I’ve some sympathy for his view that it would just be a waste of time and money. I think he should give it a try; but ultimately, I think it’s going to be problematic if it’s an awful holiday that none of you much enjoy.

Have you any friends or relatives you could go away with without him, to help with the anxiety?

Cantstaystuckforever · 16/05/2023 18:53

I suffer quite badly with anxiety especially surrounding travel and I'm also a very nervous driver on motorways. I've not done it for years. I feel like I need him on board because I can't cope otherwise

This bit makes you unreasonable. It sounds like you're both very anxious and quite rigid people, but his anxiety is making him 'boring' whereas it's ok that you need him to cope with going anywhere with your own children, 2 of whom are not his.

Kids don't necessarily need lots of big outings, but I agree it can be nice for them and you. If you want to, either you need to find a supportive way that he can also enjoy it - maybe going with grandparents for example, or trying shorter trips first, or you need to find a way to go without him.

How about public transport? Even if you have to drive to a station for example, or just take the older 2 and leave the 1 year old with him. Or can you and just 1-2 of the three go somewhere with a friend or family member driving?

ScribblingPixie · 16/05/2023 18:56

Start him off gently with a cottage holiday - a home from home - and don't accept any negativity. Or take the kids on a weekend trip by train.

Effieswig · 16/05/2023 18:56

I don’t think he is wrong. If your one year old really would cry a lot and really struggle with a new routine, how much fun is it going to be for anyone?

He is anxious about it. You are too anxious to drive on a motorway and ‘need’ him. But it appears you are saying that your anxieties and needs are reasonable. Yet his, similar feelings, but presenting differently are not reasonable.

personally I would plans days out instead this year and see how she is next summer.

Original poster
suzysaysrelax · 16/05/2023 18:56

I don't actually put on him with my anxiety. Yes he's usually designated driver but otherwise I don't think my anxiety is a burden or particularly noticeable to him and the kids. I try to keep it in check, i just find things harder when I'm on my own.

No family. And friends all busy with their own lives and dc. Is it so wrong to want my dh to actually want to go places and enjoy life?

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 16/05/2023 18:57

I agree with pp, there's some unreasonableness on both sides. You only really want him to come so he can drive you and look after you.

AIbaa · 16/05/2023 18:57

You both need to work on things. I understand his anxiety about your DD waking everyone up.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 16/05/2023 18:59

I would search places like crieff hydro. Hotels for families with lots of family activities.
Sew the seed, mention it every now and then and then in some time it'll likely be his idea to go away somewhere! :)

Yellowrosesmakemehappy · 16/05/2023 19:01

OP I think people have misinterpreted you. It’s ok to want and NEED your partner to come with you and support you.

Honestly I think people take the other side on purpose on this forum.

I would maybe try an air b n b so you can have home comforts or a static caravan.
Maybe try a four day weekend at first to it’s not too much.

And the poster who said “two of
whom are not his” - what’s that supposed to mean? They are married! @Cantstaystuckforever

araiwa · 16/05/2023 19:03

Doing all the driving there ,getting no sleep then driving all the way back does seem like a shit holiday

I can't imagine getting back home and feeled relaxed and refreshed after that

AperolWhore · 16/05/2023 19:07

I’d take the primary kids on a night away on your own and leave husband with baby. Once you’ve had a great time you can all go together.

I wouldn’t miss out on the fun things just because he didn’t want to partake.

XelaM · 16/05/2023 19:07

I think you have to find a way to be self-sufficient. Taxi/train to an easy child-friendly location like Butlins. Job done. You don't have to wait for him. He is allowed to dislike holidaying with a crying toddler and two young kids who aren't his. But you should be able to go on breaks with the kids if you want to.

Original poster
suzysaysrelax · 16/05/2023 19:07

So genuine question...did none of you go away when your dc were babies? I've told him that people travel the world with babies and go abroad. It isn't unusual! Yes it has challenges but he is acting like it's impossible. I will end up going alone with the dc because I don't want them to miss out but anxiety or no anxiety, isn't it a bit sad that their dad (and stepdad - he has a great relationship with the older ones) would choose not to be involved and stay home alone instead?

OP posts:
fdgdfgdfgdfg · 16/05/2023 19:08

I mean, is he wrong? A BnB or a caravan would be a nightmare with a no sleeping child would be a nightmare for everyone else around you, and honestly planes are hard work at that age too. What about an Airbnb or an apartment in the UK somewhere.

You also need to get a handle on your anxiety whether through counselling or something else, how is it a holiday for him if he's having to manage 3 kids and you? And it's really not fair to expect him to do all driving, what if he gets tired? You've either got a driver who's not paying full attention to the road or you're stuck in the middle of nowhere for a couple of hours while he takes a break.

Pixiedust1234 · 16/05/2023 19:09

araiwa · 16/05/2023 19:03

Doing all the driving there ,getting no sleep then driving all the way back does seem like a shit holiday

I can't imagine getting back home and feeled relaxed and refreshed after that

Agree with this. When does he get a break/rest? My mother hated motorway driving so she looked at the map for back roads, why can't you do that?

Basic rule in life - don't get upset with others if you aren't prepared to do yourself what you ask of them.

GaspingGekko · 16/05/2023 19:09

I had a similar baby, and honestly I hated holidays until he was about 3. Even then I still found them exhausting rather than fun.

So I don't blame him not wanting to go. I agree with a PP. Go away with your older children and leave him with the baby until the baby is older.

Pomsky · 16/05/2023 19:09

I'm on your side here. Holidays with small children aren't exactly relaxing and you might go home more tired than when you arrive but to me it's totally worth it. Try a long weekend in an air bnb or a lodge on a holiday park with lots of child friendly activities nearby.

In my experience the first night can be rough but after that they settle down and get used to the new environment.

zurala · 16/05/2023 19:11

I've had two "nightmare" children and we go away. Self catering works best because you've more flexibility over meals and have space to relax without going out. Hotels are a nightmare and stressful.
I mean, it's basically same shit as at home in a different location but it's still a break. He's being unreasonable.

Spookysnake · 16/05/2023 19:11

Take steps to get over your fear of motorways; then you'll be more independent. It's just a matter of practice.

Effieswig · 16/05/2023 19:11

suzysaysrelax · 16/05/2023 19:07

So genuine question...did none of you go away when your dc were babies? I've told him that people travel the world with babies and go abroad. It isn't unusual! Yes it has challenges but he is acting like it's impossible. I will end up going alone with the dc because I don't want them to miss out but anxiety or no anxiety, isn't it a bit sad that their dad (and stepdad - he has a great relationship with the older ones) would choose not to be involved and stay home alone instead?

Plenty of people do. And love it. Some regret it. Plenty of people don’t until their younger kids are a bit older.

Your older kids aren’t really missing out on anything by waiting a year.

OhmygodDont · 16/05/2023 19:11

Honestly I couldn’t think of anything worse than a non sleeping baby/toddler away from all the things that actually make that a little be easier. I’d say go with the older two or wait till the youngest is more settled.

Fortunately none of mine have been as strung as yours so yes we have holidays every year and have done even when the youngest was a few months old.

Firecat84 · 16/05/2023 19:11

OP, you're not unreasonable at all. It's a shame you're with someone negative rather than someone who can see the joy in the little moments even if you've had a crap night's sleep, but some people are just like that. Your child may be better or worse somewhere new but it's always worth it. Also so much driving judgement! In all the couples I know the husband does all the driving anyway!

Blort · 16/05/2023 19:12

1 hour away from home in a small cottage type with a hot tub. That's what we did for our first break with kids and it was well needed. We went off season so it was cheap and we didnt put pressure on ourselves because it was a mental/physical stretch for us to achieve.

We all just needed to get out of our space at home.

Cantstaystuckforever · 16/05/2023 19:14

Yellowrosesmakemehappy · 16/05/2023 19:01

OP I think people have misinterpreted you. It’s ok to want and NEED your partner to come with you and support you.

Honestly I think people take the other side on purpose on this forum.

I would maybe try an air b n b so you can have home comforts or a static caravan.
Maybe try a four day weekend at first to it’s not too much.

And the poster who said “two of
whom are not his” - what’s that supposed to mean? They are married! @Cantstaystuckforever

It's ok to want and even need someone else to go away with 3 kids. But it's also ok for him to want to not go away with a 1 year old, and not ok to call someone boring if they don't want to.

Yes, they're married, and all 3 children should be part of family holidays - but depending on the setup, her DH hasn't necessarily played anything like a full parental role, even if he is doing the school runs and the rest. Speaking as a separated parent, you shouldn't be having more kids with a new partner if you aren't going to be able to cope doing more than half if needed for the older ones - it's not fair to the kids or realistic when the other person is a first time parent. This is why so many of us choose not to blend families, it's a very common issue.

OP I appreciate this is really tricky for you too, and great you're working on things, but unfortunately it does sound like you'll need to be the one to take action here.